When counseling doesn’t work!

I got a call from a friend of mine, who asked if I could help her friend. He was not in a happy marriage and needed my help. I agreed to call her friend and talk with him. He was going through some tough times and just needed a sympathetic ear and voice on the other end of the phone. I listened to his story and could feel his pain. Wife had a drinking problem, wouldn’t work, refused to talk about her and his problems with him. He was a hurting man for sure.

He wanted to try to work things out, but she wasn’t willing to make the effort to salvage the marriage. He was the kind of man that most women would loved to be married to. He was attentive, loving, thoughtful, considerate, and a whole lot more. She even admitted that he was a good man. She just wanted out, she had a new lover in her life, and her marriage for over 25 years was now boring!

His heart was broken, her’s was moving on to greener and brighter pastures. He wanted to save the marriage and she wanted to sever all ties with her husband. He loved her and she hated him. She loved the bar scene and he loved being at home with her. Certainly opposites in every way! He had no where to turn, life looked bleak and he fell into the pity party mind set. Actually she did him a big favor by ending the marriage.

Sure his hurt was real and his pain lasted for several weeks, he begin to see that his life was not over, but just beginning. He adjusted to the verbal attacks he received, the personal insults aimed at him were stingers for sure. He used all the attacks as a part of his foundation for his healing. Most people, take the personal attacks and use them for fodder for years of bitterness, hate and self destruction.

I had my ex do the same thing to me. I called her personal attacks on me just simply a cowards way of having me end the marriage and not her. She tried to justify the vulgar things she said to me with “you never loved me”, it almost worked, I was looking through the yellow pages for a lawyer after many personal attacks by her.

I asked my wife at the time, lets go see someone who can help us work through our problems. She agreed, all the while having an affair with another guy. I didn’t have a chance of any reconciliation while she was involved with someone else. He was younger, had expensive taste, no obligations to a family, and liked to party. I’m sure many of you can relate to my clients and my story.

Marriage problems can escalate when nothing is done to fix the problem. Its easy for most people to avoid any kind of confrontation and just let live. So, when is it time to pull the plug in a bad marriage or bad relationship? Here are my tips on deciding on what to do.

1. If there is an affair and the other person is not willing to break it off, then you need to move on. Don’t waste your time, energy or money trying to save a marriage or relationship that the other person has no interest in working on.

2. If there is constant confrontation, arguing and lying to cover up unexplained behavior, move on. The trust is broken, don’t waste your time!

3. If your spouse or partner will not seek counseling, and says that you need it, then let them know that if they don’t agree to get help, you will go on your own and get help. Then after talking with your Life Coach, you will decide what course of action you will take.

These are just a few suggestions to think about. Here are some questions you may want to ask yourself. Do you feel uneasy about the way your relationship is headed? Do you want help in restoring your marriage or relationship, but don’t know how? Do you have trouble in communicating with your spouse or partner and want help? Do you need help in ending a relationship and need advice? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you, just give me a call to set up an appointment.

Life and relationship coaching is done over the phone, so you don’t have to come to the office. So, how does the life and relationship coaching work over the phone?

We will meet once a week, by phone, for a one on one conference, usually 45 minutes to an hour a session. In each phone conference we’ll plan and review, together, each of your “focus goals” and action areas. In each session, you’ll also receive support and guidance in creating the right attitudes and motivation in the areas that you want to work on most. Its very simple, and your privacy is protected at all times.

When was the last time you were dealing with someone who wasn’t giving you the straight facts? They danced around your questions, changed the subject on you, then got upset if your continued to challenge them with the information they gave you. For example, your husband or wife, gets caught in a lie. You keep asking them for the facts, and they avoid talking about your line of questioning. “John, where were you last night until 11:30? I was with the boys” he responds, “OK, where were you, last night?” as you hear the hesitation in his voice and see in his eyes that he is searching for a lie of a story to tell you. How do you deal with a lying partner in a bad marriage, a dishonest friend, or a bad business partner?

Honesty is extremely important in any relationship, the truth may hurt, but the bonding truth creates will make any relationship last. Honesty in any relationship, whether its in a marriage, friendship, or business relationship, if you don’t have it, then mistrust becomes a major road block. How can you believe in someone or what they tell you if you question what they are saying to you?

I had a business partner that had a questionable reputation in our small town back in Minnesota. When we bought a business together and it became common knowledge in our community through the local press and radio station, I received several phone calls from good friends of mine, questioning my reason for going into business with this individual. I didn’t realize it at the time when we sealed the deal, he had hurt many past business partners and consumers.

I found out that he lied to me about several past dealings with clients, consumers, and the IRS. He showed me books that had been altered and had excuses about everything, I questioned him on. I had one of his ex-business partners stop by my office and spilled the beans about the man, I was about to set up business with. I was in the state of shock, and it was written all over my face. I had a difficult decision to make, how could I dissolve this partnership, before I lost my reputation in my community? I called my lawyer and let him know what I had been hearing from my friends and his ex-business partners about this mans reputation.

The next day I was in my lawyers office with the facts that were presented to me by his ex-business partner. This was enough information to end the business relationship I had formed with this con man. I was sweating and worried how it would turn out, but my lawyer did a great job presenting the facts and severing ties.

What do you do when you face the facts and don’t like what you are hearing? Do you say, well..maybe, I am not understanding and heard them wrong in what they told me! They would never tell me an untruth! People are out to get them, they are just down on their luck! I can fix them, I’m good at helping people! These are things I hear at my office or on the phone, when dealing with people needing help. If you can’t listen and deal with someone in a truthful manner, then its best to move on, and avoid this person!

When looking at someone and knowing that they are lying to you and you don’t challenge them or confront them, you are hurting yourself and the person that’s lying to you. Here is how to confront someone in a loving way.

1. Let them know that you know the truth, and would like to talk about their story and the facts. You don’t have to yell or argue to get your point across. The key is listening.
2. Listen carefully to what they say, then talk about each statement you want to talk to them about. You don’t argue about opinions or untruths, just stick with the facts.
3. If your talk starts to get heated, then call a time out or stop the conversation completely.
4. If you knowingly are talking to a habitual liar and are getting nowhere, then end the talk all together. There is no reason to get involved in a conversation that leads to frustrations.
5. If you feel that your friendship can no longer be based on trust and honesty, then move on and end the friendship.

Do you get frustrated when listening to someone that constantly lies to you? Do you want tools that will help you confront someone, that lies to you? Do you get angry with excuses that you keep hearing? How would you like help in learning how to confront a friend, spouse, or business partner that tells you untruths? Do you need help in ending a relationship that’s based on lies?

If you would like some help in dealing with personal issues in your life or the relationship that you’re in, you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555. If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike’s website is www.applicablecoaching.com all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today’s coaching article. Mike is also available for speaking engagements.

I was sound asleep when I got the call late last night from my nephew “your sister is not doing good, I talked to Dennis and he said that she was fading fast, and its not looking good.”

As I turned and looked at the clock by my bed it was 11:30 PM, I thought that I heard my cellphone ring several times while sleeping, then when I heard I heard my nephew voice speaking to me, I realized that I answered the phone. I asked him when he talked to Dennis my sisters husband, and he said a few minutes ago. Many things raced through my mind. This call was not unexpected, she has been diagnosed with throat cancer for 14 months now. I would check on my sister every few days, just to see how she was doing. I got the same old story from my sister, I am doing OK, and I am going to fight this thing tooth and nail. All the while still smoking over two packs of cigarettes a day and drinking to excess.

I can remember begging my parents to stop their smoking while I was in grade school and high school, it was awful to live in the same house and smell the smoke and see it drift through the sunrays in the living room where my dad smoked as he read the Sunday paper. My mother wasn’t any better, she smoked just as much as he did.

Then my sister took up the smoking habit while in Junior High school, sneaking around smoking with her friends. She continued to sneak around until she got caught by my dad. He opened the door for her smoking by insisting that she smoke in front of my parents and be truthful about it. All the while I had to endure all this nonsense with tongue in cheek. I have never smoked, never drank, never did drugs, and the smell of smoke sickens me. I know the damage cigarette smoke can do to your body, both my parents died from smoking, lung cancer.

My phone has rang several times with a health crisis for my sister, its been hard, you never know when the call comes, and your told that she is gone. I deal with that every time I hear the phone ring after 10:00 PM, its a hard part of life. We all have had calls like this, its unpleasant and makes your heart skip a jump.

What will you do knowing that this call will come? How do you plan for a death in the family? I have been asked these questions on several occasions, what do we do, I am asked? When you plan ahead you will not be surprised and caught off guard, when the call comes. Have a family meeting and know what each of your responsibilities are when you get the call. Someone needs to be in charge of calling everyone (they will call A to Z in the directory) you will have two directory’s, one for family and one for friends. You need to have someone who will deal directly with the funeral home, picking clothes, music, clergy, finding pall bearers, etc. Then you will need someone to oversee the meal after the service, usually someone at the church will help with this arrangement. There is a lot to be done. Have you made these arrangements? Do you need to talk to someone about a loss of a loved one? Do you have support from friends and family? Do you need help making funeral arrangements? If you do, contact Mike and he can help you through the process of putting together a funeral for a loved one.

If you would like some help in dealing with personal issues in your life or the relationship that you’re in is not going well, you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555. If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike’s website is www.applicablecoaching.com all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today’s coaching article. Mike is also available for speaking engagements.

I can remember while in college being madly in love with my lab partner, she was a great friend and we both loved being with each other and doing things together during the week and on weekends. We would meet at the library during the middle of the week, and study. I thought she was the one for me, we talked about getting married after college, and raising a family. She knew me inside and out, as I knew her.

During the summer break in our Junior year she went back home to work with her family business, something happened while back at home, she was preoccupied with her summer job, when we talked it was small talk, she seemed distant at times, not listening. I knew something was wrong but couldn’t put my finger on it. I danced around with my questions and our conversations throughout the summer, I didn’t want to offend her at all, or have her get angry at me. That’s when I realized that I needed to confront her about us, I needed to know how she felt towards me and had to ask tough hard questions. So, I made my phone call and simply asked her how she felt about our relationship and me. It was hard for me to ask her questions, but it had to be done. She stammered and danced around my questions, and finally said she didn’t know what she wanted. We talked about an hour and got nowhere. I asked her to think about it and we would talk in a few days. The next phone conversation was the same as the first and that’s when I decided to let her go, she was hiding something. I fought with myself over that hard decision. Was I doing the right thing? Was there a way to work things out? You have to give it another chance! I knew what had to happen. I didn’t realize it at the time, but she quit college and would eventually marry a co-worker that she worked with that summer.

I was hurt by what I had to do, but in the end it was the best thing I ever did. Breaking off relationships are not easy, but when they are going nowhere, or you suspect cheating or non-commitment from the person you are with, it has to happen. Letting go allows closure, and starts the healing process. As I look back, by at what I did by ending our relationship, it was a blessing. She wanted me to end the relationship because she hated confrontation, and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Someone had to take the first step and that was me. Think back to a past relationship that went on and on, going nowhere at all. You suffered, they suffered, yet you continued on with the pain of seeing each other or the pain while talking on the phone. It takes a strong person to start the process of letting go.

I had a client who was holding on to a relationship that was a friendship only, he wanted more and she just wanted to be friends. I asked him, what is it that you want from this friend. He told me that he wanted to marry her and wanted her to be in a exclusive relationship with him. She was clear about her boundaries, no boyfriends and no romance, all she wanted was friends with no strings attached.

I asked him, are you listening to what her boundaries are? He said yes, and I asked him, are you not clear to what she has said? He didn’t care and I suggested that he find someone who was ready for a relationship. Move on and let go, I told him. He did and has found someone and is happily married.

Letting go requires strength and looking down the road to your future, not looking back, looking back is the killer, and many people will look back and start thinking what if..we all have done it, lets face it, it’s a part of living. Here are my thoughts on letting go, so you can move on with your life.

1. Letting go, will help you to move on the next chapter in your life.

2. Letting go, will help you from being tied down in a bad relationship or a bad situation.

3. Letting go, will breath new life into each and everyday.

4. Letting go, will bring peace and understanding back into your life.

Do you struggle with the fear of letting go? Are you in a relationship that you need to end, and are not sure how to do it? Do you need a fresh start in life and need a game plan on how to make it happen?

If you need some help in letting go with personal issues in your life or letting go of a relationship that you’re in, you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555. If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, confession, relationship or life coaching call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike’s website is www.applicablecoaching.com all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today’s coaching article.

What makes you happy?

What makes you happy? I often ponder that when watching people at malls or airports. Have you ever wondered what their smiles are about? Well, I sure have. I will see couples holding hands smiling at each other. I will see new mothers hold their newborn baby’s and they stare into the baby’s eyes. The little boy who craves attention from his dad, or the daughter saying “look at me daddy”. The wife who looks into her husbands eyes and smiles. What brings happiness to you?

What steals you of your joy and happiness? Do you dwell on past mistakes, and cannot forgive yourself? Do you harbor bitterness and cannot get past the pain someone caused you? Do you look into the past and cannot pull out of it?

My question to you is, how bad do you want the joy back into your life? Do you want to laugh again, smile at the simple things in life?

When I go out and eat, I will often watch couples sit at their table, and see if they communicate at all. Most don’t and just stare at anything but their spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. Next time you go out, watch and see. I went to Beau Jo’s pizza in Idaho Springs a few weeks ago after an ATV ride. I watched the couples around me, and saw one particular couple, mid-50’s say absolutely nothing to each other the hour that I was there! He stared at the walls, ceilings, she looked at the pictures on the wall and watched people walk by. Both never smiled and he often frowned. Is this you when you go out with your significant other? How do people who see you? Do they see someone that is happy and enjoy being with someone they love, or are you sad and in a bad mood?

Being happy is something that you have control over, either you allow people to steal your joy, or keep it close to you. There is good and bad happiness, some people find happiness in money, drugs, sex, while others enjoy helping people, teachers, coaches, pastors just to name a few!

While there’s more to happiness than just the absence of stress, there are relationships between stress-relieving activities and happiness. Dr. Michael Frisch, a Baylor University professor and pioneer in the increasingly popular field of positive psychology, has found 16 different areas of life that contribute to a person’s happiness, and measuring satisfaction in these areas can help measure a person’s overall level of happiness and life satisfaction. Interestingly, many of the things that bring happiness are also things that relieve stress, such as exercise, expressing creativity, maintaining supportive friendships, keeping an organized home, and enjoying your work.
When you’re overwhelmed with stress, often just relieving the imminent pressures is foremost on your mind; however, following a stress relief program that also incorporates activities known to increase overall happiness can give you short-term stress relief, and the lasting gains of a happy life. And when you incorporate into your life a general state of happiness, and make habit the lifestyle features that promote it, you’ll be better able to weather future stress in your life.

The following is a list of the 16 different features that promote happiness, while relieving stress at the same time!

Health
Self-Esteem
Goals, Values and Spiritual Life
Money
Work
Play
Learning
Creativity
Helping
Love
Friends
Children
Relatives
Home
Neighborhood
Community
Next week we will cover, 5 Changes You Can Make for Increased Happiness and Life Satisfaction and turn your life around!

The morning started out pretty well, it was snowing, no wind, quiet in the back country. I had planned a nice hike and photo shoot in the woods that Saturday morning back in Wisconsin. I had a friend that wanted to go along and take pictures of winter scenes.

I showed up at his place at 6:00 AM, and waited in his driveway while trying to find a decent radio station to listen to. The defroster was on high, the wiper blades were brushing the snow that was falling, it was beautiful outside! I found a station that fit my mood, Christmas music, it was 3 days before Christmas.

As John walked out the door with his camera and gear, he waved good-bye to his wife. He opened the door to my truck and got in and said “lets go”. As I drove into the snowy dawn morning. He was silent for several minutes, and then I asked him if he was OK? He said “No” that he wasn’t that he and his wife were talking about separating. I was taken aback and continued to listen to his sharing with me. He talked the entire trip to our photography destination about the possibility of getting a divorce. I turned off the engine and continued to listen, what else could I do? He had a lot of hurts and no one to share them with. I finally asked him, what caused his wife to want to get separated? He wasn’t sure. but knew she had been talking to some of her friends at work.

That’s all I needed to hear, I knew as soon as those words left his lips, that she was hanging around a bunch of gossips. Gossips can separate friends, family members, employees, they do so much harm. Often people who give advice around the water cooler are not people that can help you or count on.

Case in point, when I counsel clients, I asked the simple questions, have you been talking to friends about your relationship problems? What have they told you? Are these people married or divorced? Do they seem to have a good marriage are they in a healthy relationship? I like to dig deep when people are getting advice from friends, and asking questions can get to the core of the issue.

What’s sad, over the years that I have counseled people in bad relationships, I find a common thread. Usually those who want to give advice are the ones who are in a bad relationship, and don’t have the guts to file or separate from their own bad situation, and will live through your divorce. They are willing to give advice, that they will not follow themselves. If people want to help you, they should ask if have you sought some counseling or help from a relationship coach? Have you talked to a pastor or someone in the clergy?

I have a friend of mine who offers help at the drop of a hat, and I have sat and listened to some bad advice come from his lips. He has no clue or idea on how people process experiences that they are going through. His advice is from From watching Dr. Phil.

People will act on your behalf because they love and care about you, but they don’t always give sound or good advice. We all have friends that will fight for and with us when we ask for their help or they find out that we are hurting from a bad relationship.

I have heard people say, “if I were you, I would toss the bum out”, or ” I have a friend who is happy she is divorced, she has no more pain”, “Divorce is the best thing I ever did”. There are reasons for divorcing someone, and good ones. I like to see couples at least try to save a relationship. I have had many individuals in my office sharing regrets of getting a divorce, with tears flowing and broken hearts. I will hear, “What was I thinking”, “I listened to my friends, and now I am divorced, what have I done”, “Will, I ever get over this hurt”.

My photography friend, sought help from a relationship coach, and his marriage is just fine. It took a lot of work, and both had to compromise to make it work. Talking things out works the best, couples need to talk and not listen to those people at the water coolers.

Are you are going through trying times and want some help or someone to talk to? Give me a call. I can help you through the process of discovering if a divorce or separation is necessary.

If you would like some help in dealing with personal issues in your life or the relationship that you’re in, you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555. If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike’s website is www.applicablecoaching.com all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today’s coaching article.

By Dr. Michael Brooks

I was watching the news while sitting in the hot tub soaking. I was tired from my treadmill workout, when suddenly a news bulletin came on. Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital in cardiac arrest the news anchorman said. Hmm….I thought, he couldn’t have been that old. I mean…he had plenty of medical personal attending him 24/7. Then, I recalled as a kid that I lived not more then 25 miles from him. He lived in Gary Indiana and I lived in Park Forest, Illinois. I knew nothing about him nor his family growing up during that time.

So, as I continued to soak, I thought what would I do with all that money and fame that he had? I mean, what worries did he have about being needy and wanting things? He could buy anything he ever wanted. Now, keep in mind that he and others mismanaged his money and his fame, bigtime! I have had needs and wants through-out my life. Some good and some bad. I can remember when I wanted a red Corvette when I was 18 years old. It was a must have. Borrowing dad’s car was not enough! I wanted to be cool with my friends at my high school. Well, that never happened, and I am glad it didn’t. The closest thing to a red Corvette I got was an old 1963 red Volkswagen. It wasn’t pretty, but it took me places. It sure beat walking!

Then in college, I wanted a pick-up truck. Well that didn’t happen either. I eventually got one a few years later. I was happy with a used Ford F-150. I would have loved to just go to any Ford dealership and say to a salesperson, while pointing and say..oh, I want that black F-250 fully loaded. Oh..and that green F-350, put that on my tab as well. Well, I can assure you that will never happen, now that I am older and somewhat wiser!

On a news story after Michael Jackson’s passing, and prior to his death in the video-tape, he had a television crew follow him into an exclusive furniture store in Hollywood that had extremely expensive vases, statues, and center pieces. As Michael Jackson walked through the store, he pointed at the items he wanted, without really looking at them. He would say “I’ll take that.”, and looking at another item, “I will take that”. This went on for about 40 seconds. I thought to myself, “This is a man with spending problems!” He had out of control habits that no one would challenge. I have a few clients that have an agreement with me; if its over $50 dollars they have to call me, and we talk. They have taken back control and now are out of debt. How would you like to have someone help you keep from spending unwisely?

Did Michael Jackson really have control of his life, or did he give that away to unhealthy people he hired to protect him? Many would debate this issue on both sides, his camp and the world’s opinion. I know people who don’t mind giving away their freedom to others. Me, I will protect it with all my being; stand guard over it.

Its been a few weeks since his passing, and those who took care of him are now blaming each other for his death and co-dependence on his care givers. When you allow others to take control of your life you are at risk. Did you know that? Make sure that you have a good game plan when you are planning life strategies with a life coach. Have a plan that you want to work within, including a time frame and goals. What are your goals? How do you want to get there to achieve them? What are the barriers that keep you from achieving your goals? Procrastination, no time, no vision, or pure laziness?

Michael Jackson allowed the wrong people to control his life; care givers, family members, managers, bankers, body guards, etc. If you want help in taking back control of your life, contact me.

If you would like some help in dealing with personal issues in your life, you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555. If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike’s website is www.applicablecoaching.com all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today’s coaching article.