During counseling one day I worked with a young woman who couldn’t see that she was in another unhealthy dating relationship. She had her ups and downs with a man she had dated for several months. She complained that he wasn’t dependable and always made excuses for his bad behavior. Even though she was frustrated with him she too made excuses for him. It was a toxic relationship for sure! Because she didn’t have clear boundaries with defined consequences, she found herself jumping from one relationship to the next, wondering why the previous one failed.
Setting boundaries in relationships create loving and lasting relationships. So, let’s look at why boundaries are important in maintaining good relationships. Ask yourself this question: How many times has someone who you have dated knowingly pushed your “hot button”? For example, you’ve told your date that you need to be home at a certain time so you can be in bed and be rested for an important meeting at work the next day. Your date coerces you into stopping at his favorite night club to hear the local jazz band. You remind him that you need to get up early but he completely ignores your request. Finally he drops you off at home, much later than you expected and tells you to “get over it”.
As we look at the woman’s situation, I ask, who is the blame? Is it the young woman or her date? How could she have made the evening work for both of them? Do you think boundaries could have helped her avoid getting home so late? Let’s look at how this particular situation could have been avoided. First of all she needed to give him a specific time to be home and left that open for him to decide. Second, she didn’t take control of the time at the night club. This is just one example of having boundaries in all relationships. Personal, employment, and family relationships require boundaries. Boundaries are absolutely necessary in all relationships. It’s up to us to enforce them and follow through with the consequences if they are violated. Do you have boundaries with your spouse? Do you have boundaries at work and with your friends?
Setting boundaries can keep you out of trouble. Had this woman made it clear that she needed to be home at a certain time she would have earned her date’s respect and would have ended the evening respecting herself. It’s not difficult to set boundaries; the hard part is enforcing them. The hardest word in keeping your boundaries is saying ‘No!’. By saying ‘no’ you are letting others know that you and only you are in control! Boundaries in dating are so fundamentally important to creating strong healthy relationships… They will help you determine if you should stay in a relationship – or not. Having your boundaries respected will help you determine if the person you’re dating truly respects you.
In the next few weeks I will be sharing my thoughts on setting boundaries and the consequences that should follow if the boundaries are violated.
Do you have difficulty telling people ‘no’? Are you tired of letting people walk all over you? Does your spouse need to know your boundaries? Do your kids need boundaries? Do your co-workers need boundaries? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you need to call Dr. Mike today.
Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.
All relationships have there good and bad days, but when should you call it quits? How long must the suffering continue, how long will you allow it to continue? each one of us have been in a bad relationship, what made it so bad that you ended it? What were your warning signs, the red flags that made you bail? If you are not happy, and you dread being with the person your dating, then you have your answer. Start looking for another person to date. Here are some red flags that you need to pay attention to.
You keep getting excuses that they have other plans, and cannot spend time or see you. At the beginning of your relationship you called and talked for hours on the phone into the early morning hours, you used to text message each other throughout the day, you sent e-mails expressing your newfound feelings. Then all of a sudden the attention stops, and there is no time for you to do things together. You want to spend time with this person, but they don’t with you. Let them know that you are ready to move on if things don’t change.
They don’t seem to care about where the relationship is going, they don’t have any energy to make things happen. You have to keep making suggestions on where to go and what to do. You are always initiate the phone calls. You feel all the work is being done by you, when you ask for their idea’s on how to work together in making the relationship more exciting, they will never help with suggestions or idea’s. You want to spend time with your and their friends and family, they are not interested. You don’t see a future with this person, do yourself a favor, and move on, don’t waste your time.
You are always arguing, you nitpick at each other, finding faults and letting them know how they bug you with irritating habits. Fighting seems to be a way of life in your relationship. Some disagreement happens and is healthy, but when you dread being with the person that your dating, its time to move on, save yourself from the stress that you bring to each other.
You compare the person you are dating with someone in your past, or one of your friends has someone they are dating, and your interested in someone like the person they are with. When your at the grocery store you perk up when someone pays you attention. You start day dreaming about people you met at the office or party you just attended. You compare their interests, hobbies, looks to the person you are dating. Time to possibly move on.
There is no body communication between you, verbal or body language. They answer your questions with yes or no. You are constantly trying to draw answers out of them. they pretend that they cannot hear you will say “what did you say?” Will not look you in the eyes, will avoid smiling, will smirk when you laugh. Will not hold your hand, will avoid hugging you. Will avoid all body contact. What message are they sending you? Then you better ask what’s going on. It they don’t give you a satisfactory answer, its time to say “see ya later” and move on.
Many of you have expressed an interest in talking with me about how to save your marriage, or how to end it. Having gone through the pain myself, I’d be glad to help. Click here to receive a free 30-minute appointment, I’m making my calendar available for you to schedule a free no obligation 30 minute appointment to see if divorce coaching or divorce counseling can help you. so I can help walk you through the process, step-by-step, whatever option you choose.
It won’t just go away by itself. Let me help you resolve one of the most painful times in your life, so you can start moving forward again. Make that your first step right now.
If you need help in your dating relationship and need to get some help, you can contact Applicable Coaching at 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link for a free 1/2 hour consultation, call for an appointment today.