What does it mean to hit rock bottom?

I want you to think over the years how many times have you hit rock bottom and how did you get there? At some point in our lives we will be at the bottom of life looking up. What did you learn while free falling to that point in your life?
Rock bottom should be a learning lesson for all of us who have survived that bad time in our lives. Not everyone survives the fall. Many will die from broken hearts do to loss of a loved one, by divorce or separation, from drug and alcohol abuse, or loss of a job. Let’s just say there are many reasons why some people don’t survive, while others do.

On the other hand, there are those of us who have hit rock bottom and begin to realize we have been given a second opportunity in life. It’s what we do with that opportunity that defines us. I hear stories of people who have had horrible situations happen in their lives. The death of loved ones, the loss of jobs due to heath issues, the loss of homes due the bad economy, etc. Yet through the ashes of despair there are many success stories that encourage me. I want to share with you my game plan so that if you hit the bottom there are critical steps you must follow to come out ahead and regain control of your life.

I can remember when I was in the prime of life and everything was going my way. Life was good, family was good, my heath was great, and my outlook on life was bright as could be. I had the world by the tail. I had no complaints whatsoever.
I woke up one morning ready for the day and I called Dave, the manager of a fitness center that I was a part owner of and scheduled a business lunch with him. I had a full day ahead of me with my patients and was looking forward to sitting down with Dave and seeing how the center was doing. As we talked over lunch, he assured me the center was doing very well financially. I was on cloud nine after we left that meeting.

I went back to the clinic and started seeing my afternoon patients. Near the end of my patient schedule I started to get achy muscles in my legs and low back. I thought that maybe I was coming down with something. I checked out of the office and started walking across the street to my car. Check in next week for part two of “what it means to hit rock bottom.”

Do you struggle with not knowing what to do when confronted by life’s struggles? Are you afraid to move forward because your past mistakes keep holding you back? Do you want help in deciding your next steps to get out from rock bottom? If you answered yes to any of these questions then give Dr. Mike a call.

Boundaries in Love

We have talked about boundaries in our life and how necessary they are. They have to be established long before you being to date. Some of the boundaries you might want to consider are: is this person I’m dating trustworthy? Are they truthful? Are they in multiple relationships? Do they live with their parents? Do they have a job? Do they have good relationships with their parents? Are they responsible with money? Do they have good friends?

After you have thought about what you are looking for in a healthy relationship, now is the time to sit down, and write out your boundaries and stick to them. Don’t sell your boundaries out when someone comes into your life to fill a void. Selling out will only create more problems if you compromise your boundaries.

I got a call from a young man who was smitten with a woman he had just met. He said she was friendly, she enjoyed gambling, was a great cook. She also had 7 cats and was a night owl. “Ok, so what’s the problem?” I asked. “Well, you know I don’t gamble, I go to bed early and I am allergic to cats.” He replied. When I asked him why he wanted to date her he said she treats him nice, likes to talk and actually listens to him. He also noted that no one had ever been attracted to him like this woman. “So let me get this right. You’re attracted to a woman who gambles, has 7 cats and is a night owl?” I asked. “I know it sounds crazy”, he said. I agreed with him and advised him that I didn’t think the relationship would be a long term relationship for him. When I reminded him of the boundaries he set up for his dating relationships, he agreed he had set them aside. “Ok, ok you’re right! I will not pursue this relationship” he said. It’s a good thing he didn’t! It never would have worked out.

Remember, boundaries in your love life will keep you out of trouble. If you haven’t already written out what your boundaries should look like, do it today! List at least 5 boundaries you will not compromise no matter how perfect the person may appear in looks or wealth or fame! A young woman told me one day, “I don’t want to lose out by saying “no” to those I may be interested in.” All I can say is, “so what?”

If someone is challenging your boundaries right off the bat, it’s time to say “thanks, but no thanks.” This is not the time to be vacillating on your principle. Stick to your guns and spare the heartache by remaining true to yourself. The right person will come along, just wait and see! We all struggle with boundaries. Do you need help setting up your boundaries in your love life? Do you have difficulty telling people ‘no’ who push the limits of your boundaries? If you do, then I would suggest that you take some time to decide what your boundaries are.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone you can call 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

Boundaries in Love (Part One)

A recent client of mine shared with me how desperately she wanted to be married and was afraid she would never meet the right man. She was a full-time working mother of two small children. I asked her to give me all the reasons why she really wanted to be married. She said she needed someone who would help her raise her children and provide the companionship she longed for. When I asked her to dig a little deeper, we got to the heart of the matter.

“I don’t want to be lonely and alone.” She went on to say, “And I can’t stand it that people think I’m a loser in my three failed marriages. I just can’t even think about not having a man in my life.” I’m sure many of you reading this know someone who feels this way. It’s really sad that people get involved in relationships just to avoid being lonely. At times you may hear the other side of the coin where people say they can’t wait to be on their own and by themselves, longing for a break from their relationships.

So you ask yourself, “What’s love got to do with it?” It’s certainly not the one night stands, nor is it the dating machine people may think you are. Having boundaries in your love life keeps you out of trouble and keeps you safe while looking for the right person to come along.

What are some boundaries you have established life that help you as you search for the right person? Do you date people only for their good looks or because they have money? Do you date people for their celebrity status or fame? Do you date people because they love to party? Or do you date someone for their compassion or their kindness? Do you date someone because of their funny personality and fine sense of humor? How about dating the person who puts you first and truly enjoys spending time with you? Do you date someone you can talk to and listens to you?

We all struggle with boundaries. Do you need help setting up your boundaries in your love life? Do you have difficulty telling people ‘no’ who push the limits of your boundaries? Are you tired of letting people walk all over you? Do you attract the wrong kind of people? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you need to see Dr. Mikes next article on part two “Boundaries in Love (Part Two)

“Boundaries? I have no clue what those are and why I need them,” said the older woman as she shared her thoughts. “Well, for starters,” I added, “You have adult children who have been taking advantage of you. You do realize that, don’t you?” “Well, yes I know, but I can’t let them live on the streets can I”, she asked. “No, you don’t, but you can prepare them for taking care of themselves down the road and that’s what you should be doing.” She looked at me for several seconds then agreed.

Boundaries are important for establishing personal ground rules to avoid fights and arguments with the people you care about. Actually, boundaries help you keep your rules enforced. Wise parents place boundaries on their young children to protect them from harm. Remember these? “Don’t cross the street without looking! Keep your fingers away from the burners on the stove! Make sure you tell mom or dad where you are going!” We learned at an early age that if these boundaries were crossed then we faced the consequences. As children get older and approach their teens the rules change and so do the boundaries. A few examples: “Son, I want you to keep your room clean which means you don’t throw everything in your closet!” Be home by 8:00 PM! It’s a school night.” “I don’t want you hanging around that neighbor kid – he’s a trouble maker.” Throughout their growing up years it’s important to keep boundaries in place and make them age-appropriate.

Over the years I have learned that as we get older we tend to lose our focus and forget our own boundaries. I see it all the time in my practice. Many adults cannot set boundaries for themselves. It happens in work relationships, marriages, with close friends, etc. Following are a few examples I help people with:

1.    An adult child keeps asking their senior parents for money to pay for cell phone bills, rent, car payments, and food. Why should you pay for their living expenses? How do you feel about paying for their personal expenses? Probably not very good. You don’t want to hurt their feelings so you keep writing checks or giving them cash. They are breaking the bank and you are probably paying their bills from your retirement funds. If this is a problem for you, it’s time to set up some boundaries for them and yourself.

2.    You are in a marriage that you feel taken advantage of. Your spouse leaves all the housework to you. You work full time and are taking care of the kids plus making all the meals. Does this seem fair to you? Of course not but you are afraid to confront your spouse. You ask for help with some of the household chores and your spouse says he will help but never does.

3. You want help in determining how the money is being spent on expenses for the home. You ask your spouse to sit down with you and go over the bills but they rather use the credit card and not hear about the bills. What do you do and how do you set boundaries to bring peace to yourself and the home?

Boundaries in marriage are key to preventing all kinds of problems. They are simple to set up if both of you are willing to be honest and put them into place.

Make sure you share with your spouse the needs you have and why! What areas are off limits to your spouse? If you need 8 hours of sleep and your husband or wife turns on the TV to watch the late night news and you are trying to sleep tell them that is a boundary that cannot be crossed. Another boundary is the way you spend your money. Do you have an agreement with your husband or wife that you will check in with them if any item is over a certain amount? That may one of your boundaries that you both agree on. I had a client who liked to BBQ. The grill they owned was beat up and old. He was at Home Depot picking up some lumber and walked past the grills. He stopped, took a look at one, and without calling her spent $600 and brought it home. The fight over that purchased almost ended their marriage!

Let’s say you have a co-worker who dumps extra work on you but you see them spending a lot of time at the water cooler talking to co-workers about last nights baseball game. They ask you for the “favor of a lifetime” and plead for your help. Or the boss has a favorite employee that never get’s their work done and she asks you to help him catch up. What do you do? You may have a boss who is verbally abusive towards you. They may insult your intelligence with name calling and insults. You drive home a mess – shaking at the steering wheel, crying and swearing to yourself that you will never allow your boss to abuse you like that ever again, yet it happens again and again!

When you feel that you’re being taken advantage of, that’s when you set boundaries for yourself. Boundaries are key to keeping things under control in your life. It’s how you let people know that you will not allow them to step on your toes. Boundaries keep us from having lingering anger towards someone who is violating our “line in the sand”. It’s ok to have boundaries with the people we come into contact with. So, how do we set up boundaries and make them stick?

Write them down and who they will affect.
Know why they need boundaries.
What are the consequences if they violate your boundaries?
Sit down with the person or persons and explain why you need to have boundaries with them.
Let them ask questions so they understand why you need them.
If you’re setting boundaries with your spouse, be sensitive with them. Slamming them with your demands never works. Explain why they are important with you. Get their feedback.
These suggestions are for starters. Sit down and talk. They will help you open up and get you headed in the right direction

If you need help in setting boundaries, and are wondering what yours should be, contact Dr. Mike and he can help you.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

Did I really say that! By Dr. Michael Brooks

It was a hot steamy late August night back in Wisconsin, I could hear the yelling and screaming between two couples at the apartment complex I was living at. He was blaming her and she was blaming him. I could also hear a small child crying inthe background. I looked at the clock and it was 11:30 and I was wondering when the police would show up. They continued to argue for several minutes. She would keep reminding him of his past mistakes as a husband, he didn’t spend time with her, he hung around his friends, and he didn’t do anything with their son. The entire complex heard how upset she was, and he wasn’t about to let her faults go unchecked. He started yelling how unfit she was as a mother. She didn’t keep the apartment clean, she never washed the clothes, and she didn’t know how to cook. I grew tired of this argument and closed my window.

I tried going back to sleep, but it was hard. Listening to people fighting and the reasons it had to be taken outside for everyone to hear was beyond me. Reminding a spouse of their past mistakes is just plain wrong. It happens all the time, its used as a king of spades card from time to time. I have used it, and felt pretty low after I did. My clients share many stories where they have used the “I will not forget your mistakes” card. It has only caused heartache and in some cases of Divorce.

Why is it we use hurtful words to win battles with our spouses? I have wondered that through the years. In my coaching and counseling practice, I have asked that question several times of my clients. The answer I get for the most part is – “… he made me say the things I did!” Really, I ask. So, you have no control over your tongue and it’s his fault for the things you say in an argument? It’s amazing how many times I hear this said in my office. It’s just an excuse that has to stop! War of words has no victors, only losers.

If a man or woman can control their tongue, most of their arguments they have will be over issues that need to be addressed and not past mistakes or failures the other has made. We all have areas in our lives that we want to keep hidden from our spouses, friends and family members. Many carry hurts that have been with them for years. They don’t know how to deal with them and it grows like a cancer until it either causes bitterness and the relationship ends, or you forgive and move on with your life. Did you know you can control your forgiveness towards others? It’s in your hands. If you fail to forgive others, then the situation controls you and you are stuck in a minefield of past hurts, waiting to explode if someone ever crosses you. People will avoid you; they will not have anything to do with you.

I feel time is too short to be bitter and hold grudges towards each other. I’m sure we all have some people in our lives we just couldn’t get along with. No matter how hard we tried. I have learned that no matter how upset I may get, I have full control of what I say. I know how the tongue can destroy people; I see it everyday at my office when talking to clients in person or on the phone. I care for those who have been slammed by an uncontrolled tongue. I have been in their shoes as well.

Controlling the tongue has been a problem since the beginning of time; it’s mentioned in the Bible in several places! If you can’t control your tongue you can part ways with friendships, families, co-workers, lose your job, lose your marriage, and lose your life.

I had a client who went to his aunt’s funeral with his wife. They sat in the front row with the family while the preacher of a lets say, of a questionable church in a small community. The preacher repeatedly said “if Gloria could sit up in her casket and say…” Well, this was said three times and on the third time the pastor said it, my client (who had trouble keeping control of his tongue) stood up and said in a loud voice, “She’s dead; she will not sit up in her casket. She’s dead!” He took his wife’s hand and walked out of the church. Can you imagine how this split the family? Many will not talk with him to this day. Keeping control of your tongue will keep you out of trouble.

Do you have a difficult time in controlling your tongue? Have you lost friendships over things you have said? Do you want to restore any of those friendships? Do you blurt out things that are offensive and embarrassing? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you plan on how to control these embarrassing moments that have affected your life. Life Coaching will help you put a working plan together that helps you know what triggers outbursts, or not thinking what you are about to say.

In addition, online/phone Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous, and available by appointment, from the privacy of your own home. Avoid the travel and time it takes to get my office. Since you never have to leave the comfort of your own home to meet with me, your anonymity and privacy is completely secured and protected. I have many out of state clients who prefer this means of coaching, this is the most effective means for Life Coaching for those of you who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado. I also have Skype, it’s another way to set up a meeting so we can talk, contact me if your interested in setting up a Skype appointment.

If you want to get more information about the Life Coaching Program, call me at 303.456.0555 or e-mail Dr. Mike at mike@applicablecoaching.com  to set up a free consultation. All calls are confidential and your privacy is protected.

Physical Touch (Part Two) By Dr. Michael Brooks

In different cultures, hugging is very important it shows friendship and caring, kind of like men shaking hands in the US. I’ll bet if you were to have an American male greeted by a male from the Middle East, where hugging and kissing is howmen greet each other that would make many of us feel very uncomfortable. Touching is a very important way of communicating many different feelings.

When you buy a car, a salesman will shake your hand when the deal is completed. When a kid hits a home run, he will get a bunch of teammates slapping him on the back in celebrating his home run. A woman gets engaged, and her girlfriends are all jumping up and down when she shows them her engagement ring, then they all begin hugging each other in excitement, laughing and carrying on. Watch when someone begins to cry, how people will go over to that person and put an arm around them to comfort them. It’s an instinct we all share; we touch to comfort the hurting among us.

There are touches during times of crisis, I’m sure we can remember how those felt and were needed. When I got the call about my dad’s passing, I wept hard, and was in a lot of pain. My daughter was 5 years old at the time, walked over to where I was sitting, crawled up into my lap and began to cry with me, telling me everything was going to be alright. That made a big impact on my life; I will never forget that touch and her encouraging words. We all have tragedies throughout our lives, the death of loved ones through accidents, cancer, heart attacks, old age. The breakup of marriages, the ending of friendships, can be a strain on us.

How important is a hug from your spouse at that time of a personal crisis? It’s very important. Words don’t have to be spoken, but holding your spouse and just listening to what they have to say or not say, will mean so much to them. Your physical touch will show that you care, mush beyond what you have to say. Touching during a crisis will leave a lasting impression that will show how much you cared enough just to hold them. I remember watching kids at a funeral who had a friend that was killed in a car accident. The kids hung on to each other, they wept together, and they held hands as they mourned their loss of a dear friend. Touch is what helped them through a crisis. When words can’t be spoken, a hug, an arm around a shoulder, can go a long way in supporting someone who needs a physical touch. Keep that in mind.

When you’re married, a rub on the arm, a love pat on the backside or a caress on the face, may last only a moment, but says plenty throughout the day. Your partner will know that you are reaching out to them in a non-sexual way. Ask your spouse in what ways they liked to be touched in a non-sexual way. Here are some ways to show your spouse you love them through physical touch.

• While your out to dinner, rub your spouses hand, gently touch them on their knee or thigh.
• Hold their hand as you walk into the store or go to dinner.
  When you drive, take their hand and hold it.
• When watching TV interlock your legs and enjoy touching while watching your TV program.

If you have some of your ideas try them. Physical touch shouldn’t be that hard, it’s a matter of making it happen. In closing, remember that physical touch can go a long way (if that’s one of your spouses love languages) in healing a relationship.

Are you having a difficult time figuring out what non-sexual touch is with your spouse and need help? Is it difficult for you to figure out what physical touches your spouse needs during the day without them thinking you have other ideas? Do you need help in discovering your love language of physical touch? If you answered yes to any of these questions, call Dr. Mike and set up an appointment to speak with him.

If you want to read past articles you can go to Mike’s blog at https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ feel free to post your comments and or questions.

In addition, online/phone Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous, and available by appointment, from the privacy of your own home. Avoid the travel and time it takes to get my office. Since you never have to leave the comfort of your own home to meet with me, your anonymity and privacy is completely secured. I have many out-of-state clients; this is the most effective means for Life Coaching for those of you who are out of the state of Colorado.

Physical Touch (Part One)

I can remember when my daughter Alissa was born. I was 27 years old, was as excited as a dad could be. When I first heard the news that my wife was pregnant, I was thrilled. I remember telling everyone that I was going to be a dad, my friends teased me, and my parents were excited about having another grandchild in the family. During the process of planning and getting the nursery ready, painted, new carpet, a thought occurred to me. I have never changed a diaper, given a bath to any baby that made me very nervous, in fact it scared me to death.

It was November 19th in the afternoon when my wife told me we better head over the hospital, just a few blocks away from our home. I dropped her off at ER, and then parked the car. I quickly went back to ER and met my wife while she was talking to the nurse at the front desk. They wheeled my wife up and I followed along, wondering what was going to happen. I started not to feel so good, I was queasy, achy, and shaky, let’s just say, not in the best of shape. I started to get cold, and told the nurse I wasn’t feeling so hot. They carted my wife to delivery room and took me to the ER. This was a small town hospital in rural central Wisconsin. Everyone knew everyone, and the doc that came to check on me said, “I hear your wife is upstairs in the delivery room.” I said yes, and he said lets check you over and see what’s going on with you.

The year was 1979, if anyone can remember what was going on during the month of November and December; the swine flu should ring a bell. I had it and bad. I asked the doc to get me close as possible to the delivery room, which happened to be the Doc’s lounge next to the delivery room. As sick as I was, I could still hear my daughter being born, her cries, and the nurses laughing. Then one of the nurses came and told me that I had a baby girl. I wept with joy, and wanted so badly to see her, but as sick as I was, they would not allow it.

A few days later my wife and Alissa were released to come home. I was so afraid to hold my little girl she was so small and delicate. Then the defining moment came, when I held her, again the tears flowed, I now felt like her dad. I needed to touch my daughter to feel the connection with her, and she needed to feel the touch from her dad to know she was loved. So, physical touch is important from parents to children, as it is from children to parents. Think how important it is to each other in a marriage? During the courting process, or dating for you younger people, holding hands and touching are very important.

Physical touch is very important in your marriage as you communicate your love for each other. Can you remember holding hands with your spouse before you were married? Your first kiss, remember how exciting that was for you? How about your honeymoon, your first time being together sexually? All these feeling are communicating love towards each other. For some of your physical touch is your primary love language, you need the touch from your spouse to feel loved. Keep in mind that sexual intercourse is only a part of physical touch, not all of it. The lack of physical touch can make or break a relationship, did you know that? I talk to couples all the time about the lack of physical touch in their marriage, from both men and women!

I will get a spouse that loves holding hands and her husband will avoiding holding hands like the plague. She will reach out for her husband’s hand, and he will pull away and put his hands in his pocket. What is he communicating to his wife, and how uncomfortable is that for her to feel rejected by the man she loves. It takes little effort to hold someone’s hand, and he didn’t realize how much this hurt her, until I had both of them in my office. His wife let him know how much she needed his physical touch, not just in the bedroom, but throughout the day. This is important; if you feel that your spouse needs more non-sexual touches from you, then tell them, this is one of your needs, talk about it! Next week we cover the rest of physical touch and how important that is in a good marriage.

Are you having a difficult time figuring out what non-sexual touch is with your spouse and need help? Is it difficult for you to figure out what physical touches your spouse needs during the day without them thinking you have other ideas? Do you need help in discovering your love language of physical touch? If you answered yes to any of these questions, call Dr. Mike and set up an appointment to speak with him.

If you want to read past articles you can go to Mike’s blog at https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ feel free to post your comments and or questions.