The Narcissist “The Devil’s In The Details.” (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks
So here are some questions that many of you will ask yourself if you have a narcissist in your life. How do I deal with them? How do I talk with them? I am married to one and need help in staying married, what can I do?
I want address some of your questions, but know this from the get go that dealing with a narcissist is going to be very difficult. If you’re looking to be treated favorably, be treated with respect and dignity, with understanding and compassion. If you think that you will be considered an equal with them or will be important to them you may want to move on with your life. If you decide to stay in the relationship you can be assured that staying with a narcissist is going to be costly in many ways. It will cost you a great deal of time and energy and possibly money to get what you want.
Here’s what you can expect if you stay in a relationship with a narcissist. Here are some of the narcissists characteristics.
• Visions of grandeur, sometimes they live in another world they have created for themselves. You can see this by the things they say or do.
• They exaggerate the things they have done.
• They dwell on their fantasies of power, their looks, how smart they are, their accomplishments.
• They believe they are special people and are adored by everyone.
• They think they deserve special attention because of who they are.
• They will use people in order to get their own desires (jobs, favors, gifts)
• They believe that they are only understood by other special people other (narcissists).
• They will use you to get whatever they need to advance their agenda
• Any relationship (friendship) with a narcissist is one strictly one sided.
Many people are unaware at first that they are dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists come off as kind and generous people. They use their charm to ensnare unknowing victims and use them until they either are confronted for their being used or no longer any value to the narcissist. Keep in mind and this is key for those of you that have a narcissist in your life that they will exploit their friends, acquaintances, and associates, while taking advantage of others to secure their own desires. Be aware of this so you’re not a victim. Keep in mind that not all of your narcissistic relationships will display some of the traits listed above.
Do you need help in dealing with a narcissist in your life and want to figure out what your next steps are? Are you afraid of the person you are married to and need advice in how to talk to them? Are you seeking help for your spouse who may be a narcissist? You may ask yourself how do I talk to my spouse who is a narcissist? If you answered yes to any of these questions and would like some help contact Dr. Mike at 303.456.0555
Dr. Michael Brooks
Applicable Counseling & Coaching Services
Web: www.applicablecoaching.com
Blog: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog.php
Web: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/
Blog:http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/blog/
E-mail: mike@applicablecoaching.com
Office: 303.456.0555
Cell: 303.880.9878
Posted on March 23, 2015 by Dr. Mike Brooks
The Narcissist “The Devil’s In The Details.” (1)
Well Dr. Mike I’m about ready to go file for a divorce said the caller on the other end of the line. I can’t take it anymore, I’m finished, I’m done, it’s over! She is absolutely crazy, I can’t deal with her crazy mood swings any longer. She’s constantly wanting to fight with me and our children. She keeps telling our family and friends how wonderful she is and how everyone adores her. She’s constantly in front of the mirror admiring herself and her looks. When I confront her she tells I’m the problem and not her. She will tell me I should go work on myself and that I’m bipolar. You simply can’t reason with her. My kids want nothing to do with her. “What should I do” he asked?
Sadly this problem is more common than most people realize. It’s a dilemma that many couples face around the globe. It’s also one issue that causes many divorces in the United States. For many the spouse in question will get a diagnosis from well meaning friends who also had partner who showed signs of narcissism or they knew somebody who supposedly was a narcissist. A narcissistic personality is pretty easy to spot if you live with them. They leave you wondering if you’re losing your mind or that you’re the one with the problem.
So the big question is, what should you do if you think you are married to a narcissist? What are your options when married to one or dating one. I get asked that question from time to time. Not everyone you have issues with or problems in your relationship is a narcissist. Let’s be totally clear on that. Some folks just don’t get along and that’s the way it is. Relationships can be difficult to maintain if there is dishonesty, trust issues, adultery, poor communication skills, etc.
With that said let’s look at the definition of narcissist 1. Excessive preoccupation with or admiration of oneself. 2. A personality disorder characterized by self-preoccupation, need for admiration, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.
I had a client of mine who told me that a friend of his was so into himself. I really mean, he was always telling me how good looking he was. How women thought he was the best looking man they met. I would listen to him tell these stories whenever his ego needed a self boosting treatment. His self-inflated ego was just getting to be too much for me. My client dreaded seeing him drive up his driveway. He found projects that needed his immediate attention that sat around for years just to avoid spending time with him. When he would show up unannounced it created a new bad habit for my client and that was clock watching. He would watch the second hand on the clock just to kill time as he spoke.
His friend could be very cold hearted towards someone who wouldn’t agree with him on any level. He would just write them off. He has done that to so many of his lifelong friends. Many of his friends would avoid his phone calls or any invitation to have lunch or dinner with him. Yet he never saw this as his problem but theirs.
Do you need help in dealing with a narcissist in your life and want to figure out what your next steps are? Are you afraid of the person you are married to and need advice in how to talk to them? Are you seeking help for your spouse who may be a narcissist? You may ask yourself how do I talk to my spouse who is a narcissist? If you answered yes to any of these questions and would like some help contact Dr. Mike at 303.456.0555
Posted on March 16, 2015 by Dr. Mike Brooks
When Women Say They Want A Divorce (5) By Dr. Michael Brooks
Today we are wrapping up the “When Women Say They Want A Divorce.” I hope this has helped you women and men. Keep in mind that most women if they could have that great marriage with their husbands they would. They wouldn’t walk away but fight to save it if they knew there was hope. But wives need to see changes in bad behavior from their husbands and want to feel loved and needed. Let’s move on with the rest of the article.
Physical or mental abuse, physical abuse is the one area that causes me great concern. There is no reason for anyone to hit each other. If that happens you contact your local police or sheriff s office immediately. Get out of the situation and get help for yourself. Same as mental abuse..threatening you in any way is wrong and needs to be reported. If you have kids in the home you don’t want them to see or hear the abuse you’re getting from your husband. If your children are getting physically or verbally abused then by all means protect your children from this type of behavior. There are places that can help you in your area. Contact your local authorities for help immediately.
Loss of love, women need to know that they are loved, needed and wanted in the marriage relationship. If you men are not providing that no wonder women feel the loss of love and want out of the marriage. Husbands, I use the book “The 5 Love Languages” to help men reestablish a love your wife needs in her marriage to you. If you men need help in learning how to be a healthy and loving man for your wife, call me. I work with many men in this area. You can restore that loving feeling in your marriage if you’re willing to. Wives have your man call me as well if you feel he needs help in this area.
Not meeting family obligations, this one I deal with more and more each year. When a woman feels she is the sole provider for the family while you (the husband) claim to be looking for work or looking for the perfect job there is gonna be issues to deal with. I had a woman client whose new husband of 8 months claimed that he was looking for work while she was at a full time job. One day she came home early to find him playing games on his play station. She confronted him and he said he wasn’t all that interested in finding work because the job market was bad and he was waiting for his old job to open up. She pleaded her case asking him to get any job because they weren’t bringing in enough money to pay their bills, and it was putting her under a lot of stress. She felt like she was raising an adult kid. She warned him about his dishonesty and threatened to leave him. He did nothing and they are now divorced. Men if you’re looking for that perfect job don’t wait…get a job now. Wait on tables, flip burgers, try to take of the stress off your wife and get a job. Finances is an area women worry about if you don’t do anything about it, you may get served papers.
In closing when a women says she is considering or wanting a divorce. I can promise you that most if not all women have contemplated getting a divorce over a period of time. Of all the women that I have worked with over the years I have never had one say “I am doing this on the spur of the moment.”
Men if you can head off a divorce by all means do it. Most women don’t want a divorce they just need to be loved, respected, desired and wanted. If you can do these things and add building better communication you can repair your relationship. If you’re sitting around and waiting for things to get better without your participation…good luck you’ll be another statistic in the rolls of divorced men.
Do you feel that your husband doesn’t care about your marriage and you want out? Are you constantly asking your husband to sit down and talk with you and he shows no interest? Do you want a divorce but want to give him one more try? Is divorce your best option and you’re needing help in your next steps? Are you a husband whose been told “I want a divorce” and you want to save your marriage? Do you and your wife want to give it one more try and need help working on your marriage? If you answered yes to any of these questions contact Dr. Mike he can help you sort things out.
Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call at 303.456.0555! You’ll be glad you did!
Posted on February 17, 2015 by Dr. Mike Brooks
What Are Your Auto Responders? (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks
We have all probably received an “auto responder” which was sent to us automatically in reply to an email we sent. This tool is used, for example, to provide a confirmation email when you purchase tickets or merchandise from an online store. Today, we are picking up where we left off last week where we were discussing, how at times, we may be verbally assaulted or have our integrity questioned, and in the heat of the moment, say things we later regret, as in an auto responder. As an example, in your circle of friends, there may be a pecking order. Many times you will see a few horse playing around where some in the group will start picking on the quiet ones and tease them. Many times a remark may be said in jest but may be taken the wrong way by those to whom it was directed. Pushed too hard, look out! If this group doesn’t know how to control their auto responders, hurtful words will start to fly. In fact, they may say some things that may be extremely hurtful. Hard feelings will happen and the friendship becomes fractured, never to be the same.
We all react to attacks or uncomfortable situations differently. Some of us become silent, while others are just itching for a verbal altercation. For me personally, I like to step back and size up what was said and why. I can do this in a matter of seconds. I have trained myself to “weigh what I say”. What is the point of throwing out some verbal jab when you have no intention of following up with another one? It just makes matters worse for you and it inflames the situation. Believe me, most of us have said something as a response that we wish we could take back, right?
I remember sitting at a restaurant while waiting for my meal, when the couple sitting next to me began to argue. I didn’t hear the beginning of their conversation but I and everyone in the restaurant heard the end of it. As she stood up and threw her white napkin down on the table, obviously frustrated with him, she stammered, trying to find the right words to get him to stop and listen to her. All the while he was making snide remarks and laughing at her as they got up and left the restaurant. All she had to do to take control of the situation was use her auto responder to say what she had to say and then get up and leave. There is no point in debating with someone who is being disrespectful to you. Make sure they understand it a moot point to debate you while they are being disrespectful and then walk away.
Auto responders can prevent arguments if you know how to use them effectively. Instead of arguing, try using your auto responder. For example, let’s say you have someone who wants to argue with you and you simply don’t want to go there. Simply say “I’m sorry but I don’t want to argue, I’m having a great day and want to keep it that way.” Or, “Nope, I’m not going there, got to go.” There are many ways you to prevent an argument. Just make sure that you have an auto responder ready before you need it. Don’t incite someone wanting to debate or argue with you. Simply walk away.
Many people have lost everything by the way they respond to others. Marriages have ended because of the way one or the other shoots off at their mouth. People have been murdered, injured and have made lifetime enemies just by responding with rude or smartelic comebacks. You don’t need to do that. Learn to use your auto responders wisely. They will keep you out of trouble. If you need help in learning on how to use auto responders call Dr. Mike.
Do you struggle with keeping quiet when you want so much to fire back with a harsh remark? Have you gotten yourself into trouble by the things you have said to others? Do you need to learn how to control what you say and how you say it? Have you lost friendships over some of the things you have said and want help in repairing those friendships? If you answered yes to any of these questions you need to call Dr. Mike! Call him at 303.456.0555 today!
Posted on November 13, 2014 by Dr. Mike Brooks
No one’s going to respect you till you respect yourself (4)
Here are some tips on how to show respect towards others and gain the confidence of a spouse, family member or friend while doing it. Remember this is an area we all need to work on.
· Show gratitude to others. Thank them for helping or assisting you on a regular basis. People like to know they are appreciated. You can thank them by a phone call, e-mail, texts. That is showing respect towards others by thanking them.
· Try to look at other peoples perspectives. We all have opinions and different idea’s listen to what is being said, that shows respect.
· Don’t judge people before you really know them. Don’t jump to conclusions or attack them personally. We all have to respect each other.
· If you can’t say anything nice about someone, then don’t say anything. Be respectful towards everyone you meet or come into contact with.
· Don’t gossip, be respectful and keep quiet about people you may not agree with or not like.
· Respect yourself, hang around people that are better then you are. If you have people in your life that tear you down, then get better people in your life. Avoid self-destructive behaviors. If you drink too much then get help. If self-discipline is an area you need help then get help.
· Show respect for your personal time and the time of others. If you say you’re going to do something do it! Respect the times of your family, friends business acquaintances. If you have an appointment with someone be on time, that shows respect for the people you’re meeting with.
These are just a few tips that can help you learn how to respect yourself and others. Your words reflect on who you are and how you treat others. So make an effort on being sensitive to others emotions and what you say and do. We all want to be treated with respect. Remember someone is always watching you from afar.
Do you have a hard time respecting others at home, work or with your friends? Do you feel disrespected at home by your spouse or children? Do you feel disrespected at work and want help in stopping it? If you answered yes to any of these questions give dr Mike a call today he can help you!
Posted on October 29, 2014 by Dr. Mike Brooks
Have we become so hardened towards each other that we just don’t care anymore? I see acts of random kindness all over the place but yet I see hardened people walking about as well. You wonder have they been wounded as children? Have there been broken promises from someone they trusted and loved only to be disappointed repeatedly and this is the reason for their behavior?
I had a couple in my office years ago who were talking about getting a divorce. The husband wanted the marriage to work while the wife was indifferent to repairing it. We sat down and talked. The husband was articulate and able to express himself very well. The wife just sat there and said nothing. She listened then finally said what was on her mind. She preferred to be in her own world. She lived in the spare bedroom, had her TV and all her books. She was cold and harsh when sharing her wants and desires. In the biblical sense there was no reason for a divorce. There was no adultery, no physical or emotional abuse. No drugs or alcohol issues. She left the marriage and her family behind. This couple had been married 54 years. She had no explanation for leaving the marriage just excuses. When they got divorced she moved out and had no communication with any of the family. The entire family is left with the question “what did we do?”
How do you explain the above story? I call it severing of the conscious. I see this in my office weekly. The only problem is that the people I see are often left with no explanation as to why they have been abandoned emotionally or physically.
It’s practically impossible to get answers from those who have that severed conscious and don’t care and why waste your time? Next week we will go over thoughts on how to deal with these people.
Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!
Posted on July 23, 2014 by Dr. Mike Brooks
Last week we covered basic excuses people make when saying something stupid. This week we will go over repairing the relationship and damage control.
When you’re trying to repair a broken relationship from something you have you have spoken I suggest sitting down with the offended is the best action you can do to make things right between you both. Husbands and wives generally have to process what was said before they can have that uncomfortable face to face talk. But when your friend is hurt and you don’t see them that often then the process of fixing or repairing the relationship will take time.
Don’t let time go by if you have said something foolish. Deal with it right away!
Sometimes a friend will react immediately when you say something off the wall, and other times it takes time to get a reaction from them. Remember everyone is different, they respond differently. Don’t expect your friends to just “Let it slide” as quickly as you think they should have if the situation were reversed. We are all different in how we react. People who are quiet may need a few days just to think about what’s happened to them before they really know how they feel or will react.If you’re the offender you might instantly realize you said something foolish and apologize on the spot, only to have your friend nod in agreement and say nothing. At that point in time you may think it’s over, but maybe it really isn’t. Give your friend some time to process your apology and see if any discussion is necessary.
But don’t let too much time pass! If your friend starts to pull away from you, make every effort to make things right with your friend…that’s key! In a perfect world It’d be nice if we could always mend our broken friendships. But there are some things that once spoken can never be taken back that do irreparable harm to close relationship. If this is what has happened to you then your friend may decide to move on with the friendship, or avoid the closeness that you once shared.
Your friend may need to build up trust with you again and that will take time. They probably will be distant for a while and that’s ok, while they learn to trust you again. Healing a relationship takes time and if you value that friendship you will give as much time that is needed for the healing to work.
It can be extremely painful when you’re sorry for something you said or did and your friend still will not forgive you. It hurts even more when you know that the pain you have caused someone seems to always be at the tip of their tongue or just a thought away when you spend time with them….it’s just there and it causes an uneasiness between you. Let time heal your friendship, and be open and honest and allow your friendship to heal over time.
Do you need help in healing a broken relationship? Is there someone that you want to reconnect with and want help in making that happen. Are you grieving over a broken relationship and need help in moving on? If you answered yes to any of these questions give Dr. Mike a call he can help you.
Posted on March 19, 2014 by Dr. Mike Brooks
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