Looking back through our lives, what personal disasters have you personally encountered? Was it a divorce, separation, a loss of a loved one? Maybe you lost your job? For sure our personal disasters come in all shapes and sizes. They strike young and old, healthy and unhealthy. It’s not respecters of wealth or poverty. At one time or another we will face some kind of disaster in our life time.I have seen people come together for the purpose of helping others through their disasters when never asked. It amazes me when people step up to help others in need, the good feeling you can get by simply saying “how can I help you,” goes a long way!

I got off the phone with a hurting client, and as I looked out my office window and peered out watching the fog roll by and hearing the rain pelting the window pane. I pondered on how I could encourage this hurting woman and the pain she was struggling with. She shared some deep hurts and wasn’t sure how to get past them. She needed answers in solving her problems. We’ve all had our own share of disasters, the question is how do we deal with them? I feel that many of us are a strong support for those in need and will help anyway we can. I had a client who was going through a rough spot in her life. Her husband had abandoned her with 3 small children. He was a drinker and failed to provide the necessary needs for their family. He spent money on alcohol and other women. She was a wits end and just wanted out for their children’s sake. Her husband was a part time dad when sober and her 2 boys and 1 daughter needed a dad. He made promises that he couldn’t keep and the pain it caused her kids was unbearable.

She filed for divorce and he drank himself to death, suicide by the bottle as some say. She needed support from family and friends and believe me she got lots of it. Many helped her through an extremely difficult time in her life. Have you had times you’ve needed somebody and very few showed up to comfort you? Or you may know of someone who is a struggling friend or acquaintance and they need you to help them face their problems. I want to give you some tips for helping friends going through disasters. Try them and see how you can be that lifeline to a hurting friend or family member.

• Listen carefully before you start to plan. Very few listen and want to help immediately. Sometimes you can’t do anything but listen. This is key.
• Get all the facts before reaching out. Sometimes once you hear the details you may not be able to help but will only cause more harm to the situation.
• Don’t commit to quickly, reassure your friend or family member that you will help them sort out the facts from opinions.
• Know what your limitations are and stick to them.
• Don’t over commit.
• Be the voice of reason and not the voice of insanity.
• Know when to back out if you feel taken advantage of.

These tips will help you be a responsible friend and keep you out of trouble. After all you want to help someone in need not add to their pain. Take time to gather facts, don’t be an enabler, don’t rush into judgment.

Are you struggling with problems that just won’t go away? Are you needing someone to help you sort things out? Do you need someone that will just listen and not judge you? If you answered yes to any of these questions give Dr. Mike a call he can help you.

In addition, online/phone/Skype Counseling and Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous, and available by appointment, from the privacy of your own home. Avoid the travel and time it takes to get my office. Since you never have to leave the comfort of your own home to meet with me, your anonymity and privacy is completely secured.

Dr. Michael Brooks
Applicable Counseling & Coaching Services
Web: www.applicablecoaching.com
Blog: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog.php
Web: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/
Blog:http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/blog/
E-mail: mike@applicablecoaching.com
Office: 303.456.0555
Cell: 303.880.9878

“State Of The Union” (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

In continuing from last week’s article we are wrapping up with this short series article titled “The State Of The Union.” How to have a better marriage while learning to communicate well with each other. This week I have listed several questions that you can sit down with your partner and go over the questions with them. Marriages can always get better no matter how well you think they are. How does a good marriage happen, by checking in from time to time with your partner. Don’t wait till your relationship is in trouble to begin your talks.



I get lots of questions from the articles I write and believe me several article idea’s have come from you my readers. I thought the question I received below is a great question and worth sharing my thoughts on. Just a side note feel free to email me with your questions or give me a call anytime. So here is the question I received last week.

“Dr. Mike, I would just love to sit down with my husband and talk about where our marriage is going. He’s a good man, I know he loves me but I want to know what he thinks about our marriage. I want to ask him how I can be a better wife to him and share how he can be a better husband to me. Am I wrong in my thinking?” Lori in Golden, CO

• How do you see our future together? Do you know what that looks like from your perspective and your partners perspective? Do you have plans for the next 5, 10 and 15 years. What are your goals for yourself and your relationship? Have you planned out your vacations, bucket lists, retirement?

• Do you honestly trust me? Trust is huge in a marriage and without it you will have a difficult time moving forward and growing your marriage. This question can be a difficult one to ask. Yet, if you feel like it’s not there then it needs to be addressed and not put off for another day. Trust is earned and not demanded.

• How do you truly feel about our relationship? If you feel it’s on the downward slope and want to salvage it then it’s imperative to seek help immediately, don’t delay and think it will get better on its own. Most likely it will not and you will need the tools to help you gain control and heal your relationship.

• Are we both willing to make the necessary changes needed to have a better marriage? If you’re both willing and see the importance of agreeing to making changes then you’re headed in the right direction. If you feel that making changes is against your best interests then you will need help in finding a compromise that will work for you. Both must be willing to come to the table and talk things out. Some people are not interested in doing anything to help improve or repair a relationship.

• Are we going through a bad time? Most relationships have the good and bad times. We may be angry at our spouse for doing or saying something stupid, that doesn’t mean we’re madly in love with them when do dumb things. Ask the question are we going through a bad time or is this a serious issue that we may need help on.
 
• Do you feel accepted by your spouse? If you are struggling with feeling loved and appreciated and accepted by your spouse. It’s very important to feel support from the one you love and if you don’t feel that you need to speak up and let them know. If your spouse has been saying they don’t feel loved and appreciated by you, then you need to show them or find ways of appreciation. Doing things for them that they need and like are key ways to show them they are accepted by you.

• Do you want out of the marriage? If you feel that your marriage is at a breaking point or hopeless then you need to ask this question. You need to know if they are willing to get some help to try to salvage your relationship and get counseling. If not then you need to prepare for next steps and move forward. Remember divorce is not cheap and once you start the process it’s going to be hard on both of you.

These are a few state of the union questions I would ask your spouse when you’re ready. Use questions that are helpful and not judging them. The role of a judger question is not helpful when you’re simply trying to promote good conversation to build a better marriage. The state of the union should be done without any interruptions. Turn off your cell phones, TV and focus on each other. That’s key!

Do you need a state of the union meeting with your partner and are concerned on how it will be rejected? Do you want a meeting with your spouse and need guidelines to help you? Is your marriage on the brink of divorce and you want to try to save it before going to divorce court? Dr. Mike I’m not sure how this state of the union works and need some more information on it can I call you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions feel free to give Dr. Mike a call he can help you with your next steps.

In addition, online/phone Counseling and Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous, and available by appointment, from the privacy of your own home. Avoid the travel and time it takes to get my office. Since you never have to leave the comfort of your own home to meet with me, your anonymity and privacy is completely secured.

The Narcissist “The Devil’s In The Details.”(7) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Step one is to do your research on narcissism, read as much as you can and make notes about the red flags you have seen in your marriage over the years. The first step is extremely important to give you a peace of mind that you’re doing the right thing. Check the internet for blogs and articles that can help you understand what you’re dealing with. There are some wonderful blogs that you can talk with other victims of a narcissistic marriage.



Step two, if you decide to end your relationship then do all your research and take careful notes. This is the hard part, start looking for a lawyer who understands narcissists and divorce. If you have a lawyer who really doesn’t understand how narcissism spouses go for the juggler you will find yourself on the losing end. Narcissists love the spot light in a divorce setting. They are so convincing with their drama and lies. If your potential lawyer has no experience with a narcissist divorce, keep looking for one that does. Your lawyer should be tough, very self-confident, understanding and trained to deal with a narcissist in a divorce proceeding.

Step three, your lawyer will ask you for your financials and your cost of living expenses. So get all your records together for your meeting with your lawyer. You will be in a battle of your life when you divorce your narcissistic spouse. Expect drama and personal attacks like you have never seen.

Step four, make sure that you have healthy friends to help you through the grief process of divorce. More often than not many times a well meaning friend will give you some bad advice. Make sure that you have people surrounding you that see potential problems before they get out of control. For most people married to a narcissist and they want out there is no looking back. Except when children are involved. That creates a whole new problem. You want to protect the kids at all costs. There are professionals that can help you deal with the narcissist parent and the children.

In closing, I want to let you know that for many of you dealing with divorcing a narcissist spouse is usually your last option. For the sake of keeping your sanity and the sanity of your kids is the last resort. You’re not a bad person, it’s not your fault the marriage went bad. You probably new the person you married was a narcissist. Many of my clients never new until it was too late and they overlooked the traits of narcissism. You need to make plans and start over with your life. Take time to heal and move forward slowly. You’ll get through this, it will not be easy, it may be hard, but you will move on with your life!

Do you need help in dealing with a narcissist in your life and want to figure out what your next steps are? Are you afraid of the person you are married to and need advice in how to talk to them? Are you seeking help for your spouse who may be a narcissist? You may ask yourself how do I talk to my spouse who is a narcissist? If you answered yes to any of these questions and would like some help contact Dr. Mike at 303.456.0555

In addition, online/phone Counseling and Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous, and available by appointment, from the privacy of your own home. Avoid the travel and time it takes to get my office. Since you never have to leave the comfort of your own home to meet with me, your anonymity and privacy is completely secured.


Dr. Michael Brooks
Applicable Counseling & Coaching Services
Web: www.applicablecoaching.com
Blog: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog.php
Web: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/
Blog:http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/blog/
E-mail: mike@applicablecoaching.com
Office: 303.456.0555
Cell: 303.880.9878

The Narcissist “The Devil’s In The Details.”(6) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Here is a sobering thought. Many partners who are married to a narcissist will end up divorced, why? They can’t stand the stress that they encounter each and every day. The drama is too much for them, they can’t deal with the ups and downs of living with a narcissist. The senseless arguments and fights never seem to go away. Each day you wake up and look at your partner you wonder is this the day I leave?



Imagine that you have to deal with someone who is sensitive to criticism or a disapproving look from you. They blow up and remind you of your past history of mistakes in your relationship as if it happened yesterday. They are hypersensitive to negative reminders from you. They bring up petty arguments and you feel they are wanting to debate those arguments over and over again. They keep score and will always remind you’re a loser and you owe them for your success in business and raising the family.

Today we will be covering divorce and the narcissist spouse. I suggest that you research and read all the information you can get on narcissism. There is a great deal of information that can help you decide if you need to leave the relationship. Certainly if there is physical abuse you need to leave immediately with your children and find a safe place to go. You need to contact your local police and let them know what’s going on in case you need a restraining order. This is one area you don’t delay in. Your life and the lives of your children may depend on it.

Some of you may want to stay with this person and hope they will change or you can help them make the necessary changes so you will stay with them. This is the brutal truth about the narcissist spouse, they will not change no matter what you want to believe. This personality disorder in engrained in their mindset. They abuse and have little sympathy for their victims. There is no motivation for them to change, why should they? They believe that they are entitled to your world and own your world.

Do you need help in dealing with a narcissist in your life and want to figure out what your next steps are? Are you afraid of the person you are married to and need advice in how to talk to them? Are you seeking help for your spouse who may be a narcissist? You may ask yourself how do I talk to my spouse who is a narcissist? If you answered yes to any of these questions and would like some help contact Dr. Mike at 303.456.0555

The Narcissist “The Devil’s In The Details.”(5) By Dr. Michael Brooks

So what are my options when dealing with a narcissist, what can I do? I feel so threatened by being married to one! To be honest with you there are not many options for you. There are usually no medications for this kind of person. Most narcissists don’t believe they have problems it’s the other person fault. Many spouses living with a narcissist are at a loss of what they can do. The divorce rate for narcissist marriages is extremely high.

• You can stay and do nothing. You can keep living in a world of hurt. You can live day in and day out with the attacks, being miserable, and hating yourself for marrying the wrong person. The stress at doing nothing can cause you illness, fearing for your sanity, and hopelessness. There is not a lot of hope for you if this is the course you set your eyes on. Truly you will experience brokenness for many years to come. A narcissist will feed off of you if you stay in a bad relationship.

• You can leave the relationship and expect to regain some sanity in your life. The narcissist will hunt you down. When you leave don’t look back or give it a second thought. The narcissist will rarely change and certainly make your life miserable if you go back. So run as far and as fast as you can. You can’t help a narcissist, you can’t fix them this is a fact. They love to control and inflict pain on their victims. So don’t feel guilty when you leave. They need to fix themselves and not have you be an enabler.

• You can set up boundaries with a narcissist and protect yourself. You know my thoughts on boundaries and how they can protect us from those wanting to violate our space or hurt us. We have to stop allowing those with bad intentions to demoralize us. The narcissist could care less about your boundaries and you have to remind them that they are crossing your boundaries. Here is an example of keeping your boundaries when being used by a narcissist. Let’s say that a narcissist family member wants you to be in the middle of a disagreement between the narcissist and a friend of both of yours. You had nothing to do with this argument between them. I would simply let your narcissist family member know that they should deal with the problem as they own it and need to work this out and you will not be in the middle of this problem. Do not get in the middle of any disagreement with a narcissist. You will be used by the narcissist and you count on that. Be consistent with your boundaries at all times with a narcissist.

I know that this is a problem in many marriages and friendships. It causes so much stress in any relationship with a narcissist. I have had some past friendships where the friendship was all one sided and frankly I couldn’t deal with it. It was just too much for me so I had to take care of myself and let that person go. It was hard but oh the relief I got from moving on was exhilarating. I was free from the pain this person caused me. Believe me it had to be done. Many people who knew him had enough as well and they were done with him as well. So, you have to be the judge in taking control of your life and moving on. To be honest it was the best decision for me.

Do you need help in dealing with a narcissist in your life and want to figure out what your next steps are? Are you afraid of the person you are married to and need advice in how to talk to them? Are you seeking help for your spouse who may be a narcissist? You may ask yourself how do I talk to my spouse who is a narcissist? If you answered yes to any of these questions and would like some help contact Dr. Mike at 303.456.0555

Dr. Michael Brooks
Applicable Counseling & Coaching Services
Web: www.applicablecoaching.com
Blog: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog.php
Web: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/
Blog:http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/blog/
E-mail: mike@applicablecoaching.com
Office: 303.456.0555
Cell: 303.880.9878

The Narcissist “The Devil’s In The Details.”3 By Dr. Michael Brooks

OK, I have a good idea on what to expect from a narcissist but how do you interact (communicate) with them? I find myself wanting to go toe to toe with them and just unload on them with all the attacks, and underhanded things they do to me. How do I deal with that?

Here are some guidelines when trying to interact with a narcissist. Remember when talking with these folks you are just trying to keep calmness with them. It’s difficult to please them and certainly not always enjoyable spending time in their presence.



• Don’t expect too much from a narcissist, they demand much and give little. All they want from you is to be understanding and obedient to their needs.
• Many times a narcissist will expect you to read their minds and understand where they are coming from. So listen to what they say and be ready to repeat it back to them to reinforce your position in what you heard. Don’t argue with them, it only fuels their enjoyment of putting their victims down.
• Complement them when an occasion occurs. Don’t be syrupy sweet with them. Meaning don’t overdo your complement. They will see through this and will challenge you on the spot. Make it sincere and genuine. Don’t complement all the time…short and sweet will work.
• Avoid arguing with a narcissist, you will never be able to present your side and get a compromise from them. Remember it only adds fuel to the fire and they enjoy a constant fight.
• If you keep falling into the trap of wanting to fight and argue then back away and just keep quiet. Keep the peace in the house. Keep your boundaries and insist that you will not argue. Narcissists will want to argue with you through texting, phone, and e-mails. Avoid these temptations. Believe me you will be so glad that you are not falling into the trap that narcissists use against you.

The key here is to wait things out be patient, avoid the unnecessary disagreements, and avoid being sucked in by a narcissists, anger, selfishness, self- centeredness and the attacks directed at you.

Now on the other hand if you need to have a serious talk with a narcissist and it turns out to be an argument here are some tips in dealing with those situations. Be consistent in how you talk with a narcissist.

Do you need help in dealing with a narcissist in your life and want to figure out what your next steps are? Are you afraid of the person you are married to and need advice in how to talk to them? Are you seeking help for your spouse who may be a narcissist? You may ask yourself how do I talk to my spouse who is a narcissist? If you answered yes to any of these questions and would like some help contact Dr. Mike at 303.456.0555

Dr. Michael Brooks
Applicable Counseling & Coaching Services
Web: www.applicablecoaching.com
Blog: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog.php
Web: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/
Blog:http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/blog/
E-mail: mike@applicablecoaching.com
Office: 303.456.0555
Cell: 303.880.9878