When You Can’t Forgive Yourself (3) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Can you identify the hurt that you have and just can’t let go of it and is killing you inside? I know we all have hurts that we live with. Some are unspeakable and create great pain and frustration when we think about them. I had shared this story before about a situation that happened between my mother and me when I was 12 years old. To this day it still bothers me on how I responded to my mom when she accused me of something I didn’t do. Now as a 12-year-old, you’d think that I could control what came out of my mouth.

She wouldn’t listen to me no matter how I explained the facts. And I have to say to this day she was completely wrong in what she accused me of doing. My younger sister took something she shouldn’t have. My mom didn’t even question her. This went back and forth for most of the evening. Finally, she said, “Mike give me back the watch that dad and I gave you for Christmas.” I told her “NO” she still demanded it back. I relented, and while handing it back to her, I told her that “I hate you.” I have never said that to anybody, yet I felt that when she didn’t believe me. Looking back, I felt a great deal of pain. I’m not saying I feel guilty about it now. Remorseful, yes, absolutely to this day I do. I have even forgiven myself for saying it. I know what the hurt is, I can identify that. I have let it go and moved on with my life. For some people, they just will not release the guilt. You have to understand that your guilty thoughts, your feelings being hurt, the uncomfortable feeling you have when you think about how you beat yourself up over something that happened years ago has to go. These guilty feelings are making you feel worse and will not allow you to heal. You are your own worst enemy. You have to break this bad habit of unforgiveness; it’s keeping you from the healing you need.

I will tell you that I have replayed this conversation between my mother and I over and over again. I saw us vividly in my mind’s eye arguing over that Roy Rodgers watch I got for Christmas. I have to say it consumed as a kid and even into my early adult years. I felt miserable thinking about it. Then I had an idea. I decided every time I would think about, how I hated my mother. I would stop that thought and focus on positive thoughts. I would think about; I am a good person, I help people when needed, I bring joy to other people’s lives. Believe me that helped me so much overcome the feelings of guilt and forgiving myself for something I said and had done years ago.

I remember telling my mom that I was sorry, she forgave me, and for her, it was over. For me, it was just beginning, of allowing negative guilt to consume me. I said I was sorry; that cleared the air with my mom but not so much for me. I looked in the mirror and realized that wasn’t me acting out the way I did towards my mom. Looking back it was the best thing I could do. If you have hurt someone, I suggest that you go to them and say you’re sorry. It needs to be from the heart and face to face if at all possible. It will help heal your heart and open the doors for healing communication. It’s great medicine.

When You Can’t Forgive Yourself (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

If you live with this individual, you see what their unforgiving attitude has done to their health. It creates all kinds of health issues. Unforgiveness is like cancer to the bones. You won’t get better living in this world of guilt and shame, you may feel lethargic and can’t function. You may have other health issues related to the depression you allowed yourself to have, all because you will not forgive yourself. Here are a few concerns that I have for those suffering from guilt and self-unforgiveness.

• Heart-related problems
• Lack of sleep
• Lack of concentration
• Depression
• Tense muscles
• Fatigue
• Digestion problems
• Unexplained illnesses, there are many more chronic illnesses associated with guilt and self-unforgiveness to list here.

I want to look at what your next steps should be and how to move forward and take back control of your life. You need to be brutally honest with yourself when making a self-evaluation and letting go of the guilt that you carry.

Forgiving Yourself Opens Doors for Healing

What did you do that was so bad that you couldn’t let go of? Put a name to it, identify it by name. By doing this, you start the healing process of self-forgiveness. Here are the four common mistakes we make in life and for some can’t forgive themselves for failing in these areas.

• We give up on things that are traditional in our minds: like relationships in our marriage, family
• Our actions have deeply wounded someone we care about
• We have self-inflicted physical or emotional pain on ourselves by bad habits, Like smoking, alcohol abuse, overeating, etc
• You failed to act when you were needed; you didn’t reach out to someone who desperately needed your help. Like family crisis, or disagreements you could have settled in your family.

Understand why the way you feel and how to deal with it in a healthy manner.

Can you specifically in detail name what the pain was that you caused someone? If you can share that with someone that you can trust this can help you sort out the details, you need to talk about. Keep in mind that we all make mistakes during our lifetime. You aren’t the only one who has messed up. We’re all in that boat with you. What would sharing with someone do to help me heal? Once you tell someone what you’ve done, this helps you understand that confessing opens the door of healing by realizing everyone makes mistakes. It helps you face what you have done and keeps you from being in denial and forgetting what you need to work on. It’s pretty easy to bury the hurts and past under the carpet and not deal with them. I can guarantee that these feelings of guilt will not allow you to forget if you don’t deal with them.

The Day you Decide to Divorce (5) By Dr. Michael Brooks

The next question to ask yourself, is there something your spouse can do to convince you to hold off on seeking a divorce? This is a fair question to ask yourself and to anticipate when asked. I would have a plan on how to bring that up and what needs to happen when you answer that question.

When deciding to divorce look at all the pros and cons and see if you can come up with reasons to save your marriage.

I had a client whose husband was always playing softball and never home. His wife had had enough of it. She was checked out of the marriage and had already talked to a lawyer about getting a divorce. She was left alone at nights while he played softball and never had help in raising the kids. Her two older boys aged 7 and 10 asked her why “dad” was never home. Her response was, ask him maybe he can tell you. The straw that broke the camels back is when he missed one of the boys birthday parties. Her parents were asking what’s going on with her husband and demanding why he didn’t show up for his sons birthday party. She was frustrated and said, he has chosen softball over his boys. Her mom and dad were livid.

They paid for her to seek help from a lawyer and talk about getting a divorce. After speaking with a divorce lawyer, she sat her husband down and let him know she was going to divorce him and take the boys and live with her parents. He was shocked and pleaded that he would change and give up his softball and be home with the boys. She said that she would have to think about it. He did some deep soul searching and knew he was wrong in picking softball over his family. They got marriage counseling and restored their marriage. Keep in mind that most people who want a divorce will give good reasons as to why they want one and the person who wants to save the marriage will give up hobbies, alcohol, bad habits to keep a marriage together.

In closing, if you want a divorce and there is no way to restore your marriage, be kind, be understanding and most of all be considerate of how you treat your spouse. They may have been through some difficult times and need your support even while getting divorce papers from you. Divorce is hard on everyone. You should know that how you present your position on divorce is critical and important to the person that you once loved. Being gentle is not a weakness but shows maturity and kindness.

Ask yourself these questions; am I filing because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then give Dr. Mike a call he can help with this difficult process of deciding on your next steps and what to do. Call him at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did! You can call him at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks
Applicable Counseling & Coaching Services
Web: www.applicablecoaching.com
Blog: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog.php
Web: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/
Blog:http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/blog/
E-mail: mike@applicablecoaching.com
Office: 303.456.0555
Cell: 303.880.9878

The Day you Decide to Divorce (1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

You’ve been thinking about it for weeks, maybe even months. You can’t pretend anymore that everything is alright in your marriage. You wake up in the morning feeling guilty that you’re living a lie. You remain silent; you avoid conflict or any confrontation for that matter. You agree to things with your spouse that you normally don’t, just to keep the peace.

Do you have a real reason to file for divorce?

You have thought about how unhappy you’ve been for what seems years; you find yourself daydreaming about being free and on your own. You see yourself in new and exciting relationships. Most people who are thinking of divorce want the peace and calmness they deserve. They think, why shouldn’t I be happy and enjoy the rest of my life in peace? After all, I’ve devoted my life to my spouse and children and need time for myself. I deserve a life that I can enjoy and not be accountable to anyone.

For those of you who have considered divorcing, I’m sure that several of these thoughts have raced through your mind after an argument, a sleepless night of worry or realizing that you want out. I see many clients who struggle with this thought process. It’s not an easy place to be in, nor to be weighing on your mind 24/7. In fact, I’m sure that many people considering divorce right now are struggling with pulling the trigger and starting the divorce process. It’s a hard decision and a lasting one at that!

I want to bring to your attention a few important things before you take that next step. Ask yourself these questions; am I filing for divorce because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? Are there tools that I need to use to help me make my decision for example; (better communication, better listening, better understanding, etc.?)

Impulsive divorce demands backfire and will cause you and your spouse a great deal of harm and irreparable damage to your relationship. I tell my clients look at every option and examine the real reason for wanting a divorce. Some people file because they are talked into it by a well-meaning family member or friends. You have to decide on your own and make this decision by yourself. Don’t allow someone to convince you into filing for a divorce. You will live to regret it down the road. I have had many people in my office brokenhearted and angry because they allowed someone to make the decision for them to file for divorce. The regrets these people go through is painful and agonizing.

I’ll ask this one more time, and I want to bring this to your attention. Ask yourself these questions; am I filing because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then give Dr. Mike a call he can help with this difficult process of deciding on your next steps and what to do. Call him at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Playing the victim Card (5) By Dr. Michael Brooks

I had some friends who were having marriage problems. The wife was blaming her husband for every issue that came up in the marriage. He couldn’t do anything right to save his life. He was late in getting home from work all the time, he didn’t get the right groceries she asked for, he snored and tossed and turned, which kept her up at night. She took no responsibility for anything that was wrong in their marriage, it was all his fault. I said to the husband, the next time your wife starts the blame game, stop her and talk about the problems she brings up one at a time. Don’t continue to stand there and wait till she’s done. Keep her on topic and deal with it one problem at a time.

I know of a couple that the husband blamed his wife for all their marriage problems. She didn’t clean the house correctly; she wasn’t managing the kids the way he wanted. He blamed her for his business problems. She dreaded him coming home. She tried everything to make the marriage work. She went to counseling; she did it his way as far as running the household, raising the kids. Nothing she did was right. He just didn’t have the wherewithal to tell her he wanted a divorce. He drove her to it and now blames her for their divorce.

Marriage can be difficult, we all know that. But, it also brings some great rewards and happiness. I think that we all get married intending to live a happy life and enjoy being appreciated and loved, and respected. When you start seeing your spouse using the victim card against you, your world starts to crumble if it is allowed to continue. Having a weekly check-in time with your spouse is important to keep a healthy relationship intact. What I mean by check in time, sit down and talk to each other face to face. Be open and honest with how you feel your marriage is. If your spouse has been using the victim card, talk about their concerns and what can be done to fix the problem. Victims need to express their feelings and by you sitting down with them helps eliminate them seeking someone to listen to them. Talk it out and be available for weekly talks if needed.

In closing, there are some victims that need to get help from law enforcement, counselors, and clergy. I understand that, and it’s important to get help when you need it. The victims I’m speaking about are those who abuse the victim card and wonder why people distance themselves from these kind of people.

If you’re physically or sexually abused then get help immediately. If you feel that you’re getting emotionally abused, talk to a counselor. Get legal help if necessary. There are people willing and wanting to help you with your needs. Call them today.

Do you feel that you’re living with a spouse that plays the victim card on you and you want it to stop? Do you need help in confronting someone who abuses the victim card? Are you someone who uses the victim card and you want to stop? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then contact Dr. Mike for personal help and planning your next steps at 303.880.9878.

Playing the victim Card (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

It’s not only your kids that play the victim card, but bad marriages are ripe for one of the spouses playing the victim card as well. I have heard just about every kind excuse for a bad marriage possible. Most excuses are weak, and surely the victim card is used to get out of a bad marriage. Marriage can be hard when starting out and there is no marriage manual to follow when you get married. Most of us watched our parents and how they react to certain situations with each other. With the divorce rate at nearly 50%, you have a 50/50 chance of getting divorced these days. I think that those couples who can sit down with each other and talk things out have the best chance of making it. Yes, it can be hard work, but the payoff is incredible. Those who continue to play the victim card in their marriages most likely will not make it.

The approach I would take with someone using the victim card against you as a reason to divorce is present them with facts and figures. Don’t engage in petty arguments, give them honest facts and figures of how to restore your marriage. Don’t embellish your point, be reasonable and present in a clear, concise manner the point you’re trying to get across. The individual using the victim card against you in a bad marriage can be deadly and cause deep pain for the one on the receiving end the victim card. Here are some victim card excuses used to leave the marriage. The person using the victim card will blame it on family members, friends, and acquaintances and rarely take any responsibility for themselves.

• You never listen to me
• You don’t take me out anymore
• We have a roommate marriage
• Your parents don’t like me
• You don’t make enough money
• Our friends said neither one of us is happy

I think you get my point. When you start hearing someone use the victim card on you deal with it right away and don’t sit on it. The longer you allow your spouse to use the victim card there will be less chance of working things out. It’s never too late to repair your marriage, but it will take a lot more work to manage your marriage issue if you don’t confront the problem as soon as you can.