What Are Your Auto Responders? (2) We have all probably received an “auto responder” which was sent to us automatically in reply to an email we sent. This tool is used, for example, to provide a confirmation email when you purchase tickets or merchandise from an online store. Today, we are picking up where we left off last week where we were discussing, how at times, we may be verbally assaulted or have our integrity questioned, and in the heat of the moment, say things we later regret, as in an auto responder. As an example, in your circle of friends, there may be a pecking order. Many times you will see a few horse playing around where some in the group will start picking on the quiet ones and tease them. Many times a remark may be said in jest but may be taken the wrong way by those to whom it was directed. Pushed too hard, look out! If this group doesn’t know how to control their auto responders, hurtful words will start to fly. In fact, they may say some things that may be extremely hurtful. Hard feelings will happen and the friendship becomes fractured, never to be the same. We all react to attacks or uncomfortable situations differently. Some of us become silent, while others are just itching for a verbal altercation. For me personally, I like to step back and size up what was said and why. I can do this in a matter of seconds. I have trained myself to “weigh what I say”. What is the point of throwing out some verbal jab when you have no intention of following up with another one? It just makes matters worse for you and it inflames the situation. Believe me, most of us have said something as a response that we wish we could take back, right? I remember sitting at a restaurant while waiting for my meal, when the couple sitting next to me began to argue. I didn’t hear the beginning of their conversation but I and everyone in the restaurant heard the end of it. As she stood up and threw her white napkin down on the table, obviously frustrated with him, she stammered, trying to find the right words to get him to stop and listen to her. All the while he was making snide remarks and laughing at her as they got up and left the restaurant. All she had to do to take control of the situation was use her auto responder to say what she had to say and then get up and leave. There is no point in debating with someone who is being disrespectful to you. Make sure they understand it a moot point to debate you while they are being disrespectful and then walk away. Auto responders can prevent arguments if you know how to use them effectively. Instead of arguing, try using your auto responder. For example, let’s say you have someone who wants to argue with you and you simply don’t want to go there. Simply say “I’m sorry but I don’t want to argue, I’m having a great day and want to keep it that way.” Or, “Nope, I’m not going there, got to go.” There are many ways you to prevent an argument. Just make sure that you have an auto responder ready before you need it. Don’t incite someone wanting to debate or argue with you. Simply walk away. Many people have lost everything by the way they respond to others. Marriages have ended because of the way one or the other shoots off at their mouth. People have been murdered, injured and have made lifetime enemies just by responding with rude or smartelic comebacks. You don’t need to do that. Learn to use your auto responders wisely. They will keep you out of trouble. If you need help in learning on how to use auto responders call Dr. Mike. Do you struggle with keeping quiet when you want so much to fire back with a harsh remark? Have you gotten yourself into trouble by the things you have said to others? Do you need to learn how to control what you say and how you say it? Have you lost friendships over some of the things you have said and want help in repairing those friendships? If you answered yes to any of these questions you need to call Dr. Mike! Call him at 303.456.0555 today!

Have we become so hardened towards each other that we just don’t care anymore? I see acts of random kindness all over the place but yet I see hardened people walking about as well. You wonder have they been wounded as children? Have there been broken promises from someone they trusted and loved only to be disappointed repeatedly and this is the reason for their behavior? I had a couple in my office years ago who were talking about getting a divorce. The husband wanted the marriage to work while the wife was indifferent to repairing it. We sat down and talked. The husband was articulate and able to express himself very well. The wife just sat there and said nothing. She listened then finally said what was on her mind. She preferred to be in her own world. She lived in the spare bedroom, had her TV and all her books. She was cold and harsh when sharing her wants and desires. In the biblical sense there was no reason for a divorce. There was no adultery, no physical or emotional abuse. No drugs or alcohol issues. She left the marriage and her family behind. This couple had been married 54 years. She had no explanation for leaving the marriage just excuses. When they got divorced she moved out and had no communication with any of the family. The entire family is left with the question “what did we do?” How do you explain the above story? I call it severing of the conscious. I see this in my office weekly. The only problem is that the people I see are often left with no explanation as to why they have been abandoned emotionally or physically. It’s practically impossible to get answers from those who have that severed conscious and don’t care and why waste your time? Next week we will go over thoughts on how to deal with these people. Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

How to regain your sanity while going through a divorce

I get several calls a week from folks asking me for help with their divorce. The stress that goes along with a trial separation and divorce can be overwhelming at times. Many feel they are going to lose their sanity at times whileothers seem to sail right through the divorce process and then suffer with the emotional fallout in the end. How do you manage your life during the divorce process?

When your world is crashing around you and your life seems out of control, what can you do? I recommend you take a time out even if it’s for 15 minutes. Put your mind at rest, stop with the paper work, turn off the phone, turn off the TV or radio then sit back close your eyes and relax. Once you have taken a few minutes to relax you can then refocus and set your priorities. Many times my clients get bogged down on insignificant issues that take valuable time away from the real issues.

To regain your sanity I recommend the following:
1.    Prioritize by date. Make a list of things that have to be done in a certain time period.
2.    Have all the necessary paper work separated in individual files (taxes, bills, credit card receipts, bank statements, retirement plans.)  
3.    Make an itemized list of your expenses.
4.    Don’t wait till the last minute to get things done. Plan well in advance and stick with a due date to complete action items.

People get themselves into trouble when they wait until the last minute to fill out paper work, procrastinate making phone calls to obtain critical information and some even avoid turning in proper paper work to the courts and lawyers. I see this a great deal with divorce cases and it causes undue stress!

Another area where you can help yourself is to avoid poking your soon-to-be-ex in the eye. It’s important to avoid all arguments and disagreements if possible. Arguing only creates division in your divorce. If you need help settling disputes make sure you have the issues written down and contact a mediator to help resolve the problems. The less stress that you put on yourself the better you will feel will ultimately be able to communicate your wishes in a calm and orderly fashion.

Avoid the temptation of holding grudges! Just let it go. You don’t need to bring up the past to prove your point. I have seen more clients end up paying huge lawyer fees because of unending bickering. Stop fighting with each other and stop making unreasonable requests. Be as agreeable as you can. Yes, divorce is traumatic to everyone involved and that includes you your ex and your children.

I am reminded of a couple that I counseled that literally fought over a gravy bowl! One claimed that her grandmother had given it to her as an heirloom and she wasn’t going to budge an inch! That gravy bowl issue was an expensive part of the divorce. The lawyers were brought in and the matter had to be settled in court. Even the judge was angry about it. Does this happen in divorces? Yes it does!

In my opinion its best to do everything you can to maintain your sanity at all cost. Be prepared for whatever may come. Plan ahead and stay the course. After all, peace in your life is your goal so why not start now!

It was a perfect day for a wedding in the park. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and the smell of spring was in the air. As the guests were being escorted to their seats, quiet laughing, whispers and giggling could be heard. These were beautiful sounds of joy where people gathered together to celebrate the union of two hearts. Some of the guests hadn’t seen each other in years and were reconnecting with hugs and smiles.

This went on for several minutes while chamber music played in the background. I watched as the groomsmen took their places in front of the wedding guests. The pastor followed shortly thereafter. Finally, the wedding march played and everyone stood in honor of the bride as she walked down the aisle with her father. You could hear the cameras clicking and sounds of delight as the beautiful bride joined the wedding party at the front. I wasn’t too far from the front when I noticed the mother-of-the-bride was seated next to the groom’s mother. Her father was on the other side of the aisle. It didn’t take long to figure out what was going on:  the family of divorce. Her parents couldn’t put their differences aside for just a few hours even at their daughter’s wedding. Unfortunately, this is way too common these days.

There are many complications to divorce and going to special occasions and family events can bring great stress to one or both parties. Weddings seem to cause the greatest stress more often than not. Many times, certain family members will side with the one who was on the receiving end of the divorce. Tension in the air is a natural byproduct of divorce. It was sad to watch this scenario play out from the distance. It was immediately apparent that the bride’s parents were uncomfortable with each other. Weddings can be the most difficult for children of divorce. Graduation parties are next in line.

Most people going through divorce don’t have the ability to look down the road and see family events as a problem until it’s too late. If it was a friendly divorce, which they rarely are, then family gatherings may be easy to participate in. If it was a bitter divorce, family gatherings may be very difficult to face. A friend of mine, whose divorce was a bitter fight was told that he and his new wife were the only ones allowed to attend his daughter’s wedding. To add insult to injury, he was not allowed to make the toast to his daughter and her new husband. Clearly, this was a very awkward wedding ceremony and wedding dinner. The bride’s mother and her new husband were taking on her ex-husband, while using the daughter’s wedding as a power trip. This is just one aspect of the ugliness of divorce that few consider when contemplating divorce.

So how do you deal with the fear of weddings and social occasions with your ex-spouse? There are many ways to deal with these family events, especially if it was a bitter divorce. One way it to write a letter to let your ex know that you want to put your differences aside and make sure that your child has the best wedding ever. Agree to have family members keep their opinions to themselves on that special day. There is no reason for conflict at a wedding. If you (or a family member) cannot control your emotions then don’t go! Why stir up a hornet’s nest with wedding guests and ruin the day for the bride and groom? This day belongs to them. Remember that! This is a day where you want to create wonderful memories for your children, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends. You certainly don’t want to be the talk of the town for all the wrong reasons!

Do you worry there may be some friction between you or your ex at your next family event? Do you think there will be problems from some of the wedding guests? Is your son or daughter concerned about some of the people who have been invited to their wedding? If you answered yes to any of these questions and need someone to talk to that can help you address these and other concerns then call me! If you have a son or daughter getting married in the near future and need help in knowing how to deal with your ex-spouse or other wedding guests, give me a call! I can help you!

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

What is your marriage worth to you? How do you put a price tag on 5, 10, 15, or 20+ years of marriage? It amazes me when couples break up how they say “You owe me plenty for staying with you in this loveless marriage.” When I hear that in my divorce and counseling practice, I ask myself “What is their marriage really worth?”

We watch plenty of athletes divorce and end up paying millions in cash, houses, vacation homes, etc. Do you think Tiger Woods was happy giving Elin Nordegren $100 million? Michael Jordan’s wife Juanita Vanoy received $168 million in their divorce. Paul McCarthy’s ex wife Heather Mills asked for $108 million dollars and won. That’s $27 million dollars for every year that they were married.

Most divorcing couples will fight and each will demand the house, the entire bank account, all the assets, the pets, everything they own in an attempt to get even with their spouse. Well folks, it doesn’t always work that way! Usually everything evenly divided right down the middle. This includes assets, cash, savings, property and cars.

What about the children?  Well that’s another story. A visitation schedule will have to be set up that will require working and planning with both parents. Determining where the children live, holiday schedules and who will get primary custody is another battle typically fought. Most may not agree with the arrangement but keeping the children’s best interest in mind is most important. Some couples will use their children as pawns to get back at each other. This is when I suggest compromising on the children’s behalf.

A few years ago a client of mine shared the story of how his ex-wife had used their daughter as a pawn to get back at him. He told me how he had rented a motor home and had planned a summer vacation with his 12 year old daughter to visit relatives in Ohio. Two weeks prior to their trip he and his ex-wife had gotten into an argument over the phone. As a way to punish him for the argument, she delayed allowing their daughter to meet him by several days. “Don’t argue with me” she said, “I hold the cards on visitation! It will cost you lots of money to fight this I know you don’t have it.” She was right and he knew it.

So, again I ask you this question, how much is your marriage worth to you? It’s not only measured in dollars and cents, but also in relationships with your children who need both parents. As adults we have to put our differences aside and meet our children’s needs! I have heard heart breaking stories where mom or dad has promised to pick up their children for a fun night out and they’re a no-show. The children wait by the window looking for mom or dad only to be disappointed.

So if you think about what a marriage is worth, what is it worth to you in the long run? Can we put a price on our children? Can we put a price on their happiness? Can we put a price on our own happiness?

Many of my readers have expressed an interest in talking with me about how to save their marriage, or how to end it. Having gone through a divorce myself, I understand  what you’re going through and I’m here to help. My calendar is available for you to schedule a no obligation, 30 minute appointment to decide if divorce coaching or divorce counseling can help you. I can help walk you through the process, step-by-step, whatever option you choose.

The issue of divorce won’t go away by itself. Let me help you resolve what can be one of the most difficult times in your life. You can start moving forward again. Make that your first step right now and schedule an appointment.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and divorce counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

Deciding to Divorce
(Part Seven)
Am I ready for a new relationship?

I remember asking myself that question and wondering if I was finally over my divorce. Sure, some emotions would pop up from time to time butI was no longer dwelling on her. I felt it was time to move on. However, over the years I have seen many clients in my office that remarried and again were heading to divorce court. Second and third marriages seldom last. I didn’t want to be a statistic.

Let’s look at why most remarriages fail. Let’s face it, we all get lonely and feel an empty void. We want to share life with someone special and long for companionship. I’ve seen this scenario play out many times. You meet someone who takes an interest in you, the sparks begin to fly and the next thing you know you’re involved in a dating relationship. It’s exciting! You begin to tell your friends about this new person in your life and your friends are excited for you too. You’re spending lots of time together and you think you’re falling in love. You tell yourself, “Wow, I just met this person three weeks ago, and it seems like we’ve known each other for years.” However, the person who has their head on straight would be saying, “Slow down, whoa, I am moving too quickly, take time to get to know this person.” Unfortunately most people don’t do this. They proceed with reckless abandon.

Does this sound familiar to you? It’s sad, but I hear it all the time in my office. “I know I rushed into this relationship and married too soon.” One of the main reasons second and third marriages fail is that couples don’t take the time to really get to know each other. That’s why dating for a long period of time is so important. You might say to yourself, “I will not make the same mistakes twice. I learned from my bad marriage.” We learn from our past mistakes when we’ve reasoned why we made the mistakes in the first place. This is key to enjoying a successful new relationship. Some second and third marriages fail because couples rely completely on each other for their happiness. No marriage is happy 100% of the time. People will fail you, sometimes on purpose and sometimes by accident. When disappoints happen it can cause a rift between you and your new spouse. Understanding that happiness comes from within will eliminate much of the frustration.

Another big question I’m frequently asked is “How long should I wait before I get involved in a serious relationship?” First of all, if you’re not divorced yet, or you’re just separated then dating is off limits. That being said, I suggest that you wait 1 to 3 years before getting into a serious relationship. It takes that long to heal and to get back on track. You will know you’re ready when you no longer live in the past and can focus on the present and the future. It’s important to feel confident living by yourself and that you do not rely on anyone to fill up the time you spend alone. Once you can sort out problems and issues without panic or fear, you’ll know you’re ready to take that new step.

Before you start dating you need to ask yourself how you feel about your former spouse. Do you feel there’s a chance for reconciliation? If your answer is yes, then dating is out of the question. Focus on rebuilding that relationship, not starting a new one. Many of my clients have admitted to giving up too soon on their marriage and have regretted it long after they were divorced. Misunderstandings and lack of communication are common but are not necessarily grounds for divorce. Dating too soon can put an end to any chance your marriage might be restored.

Getting sexually involved early in a relationship is asking for trouble. A relationship that is based on sex and not moral character is a relationship that will not last. There is no foundation when this is a barometer for a new relationship. Remember folks, sex is only 10% of a marriage, if even that! So have a moral compass when it comes to sex. Build the relationship on the kind of person you’re looking for and not how they perform sexually.

What do you need in a healthy, new relationship? Can you list those things that would give you a solid foundation? What are your “must haves” in a new relationship? Have you set your boundaries for dating?

In this series, I will help you examine the process of getting divorced. We’ll take a close look at what to expect and will share critical information you need to know. If you or your spouse is considering divorce, prior to making that final, life-changing decision, please call me. I can help you prepare for your divorce.

Are you experiencing a difficult time in your marriage and need help? Is your spouse avoiding talking with you about the problems in your marriage? Are you struggling with the execution and planning of your divorce? Would you like to learn communication tools that are helpful when talking with your spouse about repairing your marriage? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Give me a call today!

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/
Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado. Your privacy is guaranteed.
For more information or to schedule a free consultation, call or email me at 303.456.0555 or mike@applicablecoaching.com. All calls are confidential and your privacy is guaranteed.

Divorce Coach specialist:
Are you in the process of Divorce? Do you have a relationship that isn’t working, or that you want to improve and work on? Is your marriage in trouble, and is there still hope of reconciliation? Or do you need to end an unhealthy relationship? If you answered yes to any of these, I can help you as a Divorce Coach.

What is a Divorce Coach?
Most attorneys are not trained to act as Counselors or Divorce Coaches and cannot provide the proper emotional support to their clients. As a result, the attorney and client spend hours discussing the emotional aspects of divorce and the client ends up paying a large bill and receives little more than a shoulder to cry on.

Many of my clients come to me with little or no energy left to accomplish what they want out of life (life’s battles). They say that there always seems to be a mountain to climb (major problem), and for others, a wall (major disaster) to run into. Does this sound familiar?

Divorce Coaching offers structure and holds clients responsible for assuming a pro-active role. A Coach may recommend material for clients to read, work on, or refer to for future use. Clients can benefit by working with a Coach in setting realistic expectations for the process and receiving education about the options available for divorce. Being informed and prepared helps clients make important decisions with confidence. Guiding clients in clarifying their thoughts, needs, and concerns, in order to communicate more effectively, is another important function of the Coach. Clear, purposeful and rational communication helps to ease tension and foster understanding between spouses, as well as parents and children.

Much like any crisis or trauma , the early emotions of a pending divorce include shock, disbelief, denial, anger, and the pain associated with the loss. Once the early emotions have been experienced, there is a need for people going through a divorce to make sure they continue to take the necessary steps in moving toward recovery. As with any significant loss that involves a meaningful relationship, divorce can lead someone to a place of anger, bitterness, and lonely despair. Dr. Mike will walk you through the critical role of forgivness in divorce recovery. Especially when it comes to wrestling with issues, like trying to prove who’s right or wanting to get even.

In addition, many divorcing couples wind up in the traditional litigation route because they are reacting to fear, anger and a desire for getting even and are not thinking about what will happen once the divorce battle has ended.

After the grief process has run its course, divorced men and women must begin to consider their next steps in getting back to a healthy level of functioning. While this may not necessarily mean starting a new romance there is a need to take stock and evaluate relationships with family members and friends.

Part of building a new life is the acceptance of having been divorced. There are key issues in starting over, these include the need to avoid a victim mindset, having a balanced self-esteem and considering the future in terms of jobs, and finances.

After the grief process has run its course, divorced men and women must begin to consider their next steps in getting back to a healthy level of functioning. While this may not necessarily mean starting a new romance there is a need to take stock and evaluate relationships with family members and friends.

Did you know that…
Americans divorce more than any country in the history of the world.
The divorce rate has increased in the U.S. every decade since 1890.

Dynamics of Divorce Coaching:
Delayed and later life marriages are the norm for society today.
Divorce is often a lengthy process that can last for years.
The person who often seeks divorce coaching is the one who did not initiate the divorce proceedings.
Divorce coaches help repair and rebuild life.
How the biological parents dealt with divorce literally determined the future of their sons and daughters.

What Divorce Coaching will do for you:
Help you manage the early emotions.
Move you towards acceptance.
Process the grief and loss.
Understand the grief cycle.
Do’s and dont’s in your divorce.
Forgiveness and letting go.
Building a new life.
The Five Keys to starting over.
Barriers to new relationships.
Finding new relationships.
Now what? Living in a blended family.