Tis the Season of Divorce (1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

It’s hard to believe it’s that time of year, the holidays are fast approaching and with it, the rise in divorces. There is a reason for the rise in the number of divorces during the winter holidays. Can you guess what those are?

One major reason is that couples will fight over money on what to spend and where the family will spend the holidays. In-laws come in all shapes and sizes when it has to do with their attitudes and opinions towards your spouse. Some in-laws will embrace your spouse and think they are the greatest son-in-law or daughter-in-law since sliced bread. Then some in-laws, on the other hand, will think that your spouse is a direct descendant of the devil himself. Your spouse can’t do anything right no matter how hard they try. Many in-laws will try to talk their son or daughter into divorcing the son or daughter-in-law just because they don’t like them. Believe me; this happens more often than you can imagine. Money seems to be a problem around the holidays especially Christmas. When one parent starts to buy outside the budget and does not inform the other parent, problems will start to happen. Arguments will happen, and the well-meaning mom or dad will wish they consulted with the other parent before their spending spree.

I’m sure we all want to make our kids Christmas fun and create some memories that will last a lifetime. I had a client whose wife would buy her husband and two kids presents. The day after Christmas she would take most of the presents back to the store where she bought them and get her money back. She couldn’t afford the gifts, yet the emotional damage she caused the husband and kids were a lasting pain they will never forget.

To prevent any arguments, I suggest that you have a budget meeting with your spouse on what you plan to spend and do this together. If you live within your means, there will be less arguing between you and your spouse. Here’s a question that you both need to go over, are the gifts necessary, like clothes, shoes, school items? What do you want to spend on fun things, toys, games, bikes, etc? Stay within your budget.

I know that teenagers can be very difficult to buy for during Christmas, but you still have to plan for it. Maybe you want to get gift cards for clothes, Amazon, or electronics. Having some simple idea’s on your spending options will prevent problems down the road. If you’re on a tight budget, then I suggest that spending quality time with your kids can be lots of fun. Have a game night, make popcorn and play the games your kids like and enjoy. Go to the movies together, spend time talking about their favorite parts and why. The more time you spend being with the kids, the less time they will dwell on what they didn’t get from you. Most kids understand the lack of funds and why no gifts are under the tree. Have activities that are geared towards the kids, like making Christmas cookies together, bless others with the cookies that you make and have the kids be a part of delivering them. The joy they will bring to others is amazing.

Next week I will be writing about the way you communicate with your spouse and family members. An important topic during the holidays.

Do you dread the holidays, the family fights, the arguments? Are you considering a divorce because of the in-laws are making your life miserable? Do you need to be able to express that you don’t want to go to your in-laws and want the peace of staying home? Does your communication with your spouse, children need help? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need contact Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. Don’t allow loneliness to control the new experiences that you can enjoy today.

Please call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878. He can help you. He has helped several people going through tough times of loneliness.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

When Your Marriage Seems Hopeless (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

This week we will go over the times that you need to confront your spouse immediately about problems in your marriage. I know for some of you, when your marriage seems hopeless it’s difficult to go to a spouse when you know there are some serious problems you both are facing. I’m telling you, they will not go away until you talk about them. This is not the time to bury your head in the sand and hope the problem goes away.

So here are my thoughts on when to sit down and have that face to face talk. I suggest not over a text, not in an email or on the phone. If at all possible this needs to be done eyeball to eyeball. Don’t wimp out and take the easy way out. Be sincere when talking, and not shouting at each other. You’ll never get anywhere with that type of arrangement.

Have an emergency talk when infidelity has been discovered, when drugs or alcohol are becoming a big problem. Physical abuse, or pornography is an issue. These usually are the big ones that need immediate attention. I said you must learn to forgive and understand that trust takes time to be built up. Behavioral changes must take place, and it begins with strong communication and identifying what the issues are.

If you want to salvage your marriage, there will be a lot of hard work ahead of you. Plan on rolling up your sleeves and doing some hard work. The payoff is substantial, to say the least. Hard work is worth the effort and will save the heart aches that go along with divorce and separation. Don’t take working on your relationship lightly. Both have to give 100% equally. People who walk away from trying to figure out why they are having marriage problems, often kick themselves for not making an effort to restore their relationship. Regrets are many, and the memories will haunt you a lifetime if you don’t give it one last shot.

Do you feel hopeless about your marriage? Have you given up and feel there is no way your marriage can be saved? Do you want to save your marriage but don’t know what your next steps are? Do you want to improve your communication and need help in restoring it? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to contact Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. Don’t allow hopelessness to destroy your relationship. Please call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878. He can help you. He has helped several people going through tough times.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

When Your Marriage Seems Hopeless (1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

As I listened to a caller on my cell phone describe the state of her marriage, I could hear the anguish in her voice. She was in deep distress in where her marriage was headed. She needed some tools on how to talk with her husband, how to communicate better and hear his needs and share hers and her concerns. This couple was not connecting whatsoever. This frustrated her to no end. She loved him and admitted her faults to him and wanted a fresh start in their relationship. He wasn’t so sure that’s what he wanted. There was a great deal of pain on his part from his past relationships, and now he was comparing her to old girlfriends. This is not a place where couples want to go. It’s easy to get caught up with this kind of thinking. But, it’s also poisonous thinking and a killer of borderline marriages in crisis.

When our marriages seem hopeless, we seem to struggle with finding ourselves and finding answers to our problems. It’s not easy being in a tight spot, and sometimes we say and do things that we don’t even understand. Hopelessness is a very strong word, and for many, it is a word that describes the situation their in. I often tell people if you’re in that spot, it’s best to step back and evaluate and take some time to let things set in and then make your next move. I believe in the realm of marriage relationships nothing is hopeless; some wise choices must be made. Whether moving on or sticking it out and working on your relationship, that is your choice.

I had a man come to my office and share his concerns about his marriage. He mentioned that he saw nothing but divorce in his future. His wife was always angry and they rarely communicated with each other. He hated going home, and I later found out she didn’t want him coming home. What a miserable existence they both lived in. We talked, and I gave him some idea’s on how to better communicate and how to become a better listener. Both felt that these were common problems in their marriage. I told him nothing is hopeless as long as you both can come to the table and talk. Learn about each other’s needs and wants. Learn to be able to share details and connect at a deeper level. Keep away from surface talks I told him, get to the point but be compassionate when you talk. Avoid blaming each other for past mistakes. Look to your future together and move in that direction. Avoid the pitfalls of bunny trailing in your conversations. Stay on topic. Unpleasant conversations can be hard but must be dealt with immediately if there is any chance of saving a relationship. What kinds of situations are called for immediate talks? Next week we will continue part two in this series.

Do you feel hopeless about your marriage? Have you given up and feel there is no way your marriage can be saved? Do you want to save your marriage but don’t know what your next steps are? Do you want to improve your communication and need help in restoring it? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to contact Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. Don’t allow hopelessness to destroy your relationship. Please call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878. He can help you. He has helped several people going through tough times.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Gossip, the Divider of Friends (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

This week we will continue with: what to do about the gossips in your life. Remember gossips in all relationships are bad, there is no excuse for them. How many people have you known going through a divorce had gossip associated with it? You heard the juicy details blow by blow, the fighting, who filed and why. Some people start adding their own details and making up outright lies about one of the people involved in the divorce. The accusations, the personal insults are spread like wildfires.

Gossip, will distroy family and friends relationships, and marriages.

Case in point, and this actually happened to me. I was working at a shipping company as a part-time employee while attending college. My soon to be ex moved out of our house to figure things out. It was a friendly agreement between us both and extremely civil for the sake of our daughter. A week after that happened I had a co-worker come up to me and ask me “why did I kick my wife out of the house?” I asked him, “who told you that?” He said, “Dolly did.” I knew Dolly as the town gossip. Then at our fifteen minute break-time, another co-worker came up to me and asked the very same question. “Why did I kick your wife out of the house?” I said under my breath, let me guess, Dolly told you that, right? He said “yes, how did you know?” I knew the town gossip was busy at work trying to stir up trouble. I knew what I had to do when I got off of work and back from my classes. I wasn’t looking forward to making that call.

I got back from my classes and thought as I drove back how to confront this woman. I was pretty upset and knew she was hitting her circle of friends with gossip about myself and wife. I walked in the door went to the phone and made the call. She answered the phone, and I confronted her. She didn’t deny the fact that she was gossiping. That made me more angrier. I asked her why she would say outright lies without talking to either one of us and getting the facts. Her comeback was outrageous. “I’ve heard bits and pieces about you both and others have shared with me things they know, I’ve got the story straight so don’t call me again. I asked my wife if she would come over and we both would make a call to Dolly and set her straight. She agreed to, and we made that call. My wife told her the facts, and I did as well. Do you think that stopped her, not on your life? She used what we said to twist the story of a divorce into a gossip tabloid for who would ever listen to her. Some people just don’t care about the lies they spread.

Next week, I will give you some advice that could change your life if followed and it will keep you out of trouble if you’re tempted to gossip about someone.

Do you suspect that you’re becoming a gossip? Have you been wounded by a gossip and are hurting from it? Do you want to confront someone who has gossiped about you? Do you need to go to someone you gossiped about and make things right between you and the other person? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to contact Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. Don’t allow an old love to destroy your relationship. Please call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878. He can help you. He has helped several people going through tough times.

If You’re Considering Divorce (6)

By Dr. Michael Brooks

As we continue with this week’s article “If You’re Considering Divorce”, look at the results and see if they are in line with the way you feel. The responses that I have received from the previous week’s articles have been revealing; I’m hearing that many of you want to start working on rebuilding a healthy relationship with your spouse/partner. That’s music to my ears!

 #4. Your spouse has character issues that are starting to show themselves: This can be a problem especially when your spouse has flaws and doesn’t want to change them and it’s becoming a problem for you. You don’t see them making any attempts in making any changes. For example, drinking and drug problems, anger issues and they don’t think they need help with. They may be having one affair after another and they don’t feel it’s a problem or need to change.

When anger issues grow worse with each argument, the yelling, threats, that concern you to the point you may have to call the police is a red flag warning. There are limits on how long you can stay in an unloving relationship. I have had clients who were married to a narcissist and endured hardships like no other. Their spouse was mean spirited and so self-centered and absorbed in their world that no one else mattered. The pain this caused the entire family was overwhelming. That spoused walked away from the narcissist and is happy to be free from needless pain. You may be dealing with other issues in your relationship that will drive you away. Such as a controlling spouse and their behavior towards you that leads to the point of demoralizing you the spouse and your children. Another problem is the emotional rollercoaster, ups, and downs each and every day; you don’t know what to expect when you wake up each morning. The blame game, when you’re constantly being blamed by your spouse for their problems. This is another red flag for a bad marriage. More often than not the victim (in his or her mind) is being challenged to see if their love for the spouse is real or not. When questioned they become argumentive and confrontational. When we fall in love we don’t see or want to see the bad in the people we fall in love with. We start to see their issues down the road and begin to notice some troubling behaviors. That’s when people will start to fall out of love and move on.

 #5. Communication issues within your relationship. When you and your spouse/partner drift apart, and you notice and feel it, it’s time to sit down and communicate what you’ve noticed and what are your next steps to correct it. You want to bring out the issues in the open and figure out your next steps. If you sense you’re each moving in the wrong direction, it’s time to figure out where the disconnect is. This may be a difficult discussion, but it needs to happen. Put all your cards on the table and deal with it. This is not the time to be worrying about hurting someone’s feelings by telling them the truth. Marriage has it’s up’s and downs. If you both agree to sit down and start rebuilding your love for each other, this can be a very productive meeting of the minds. I would encourage that each of you listens well and not interrupt each other. If this talk is going to end with an argument as all your sit-downs meetings do, then maybe it’s time to move on. What’s the point of prolonging someone who has to be right all along without listening to you or your points of emphasis?

#6. Is conflict avoidance good or bad? Some couples are masterful at communicating feelings and their emotions, but this isn’t always guaranteed to renew the love in a loveless relationship. You may be able to sit down and communicate well, but if the same old problem keeps rearing its ugly head, you may say “what’s the point to talk, we continue to go in the same direction.” I know several people who will not argue or confront, they avoid any situation that may lead to arguing. They emotionally run from any fight, they’re not wired to fight, they have a tender personality and hate fighting. So, they bail on relationships that has strife and bitterness in them.

#7. The unresolved Resentment between you and your spouse can cause love loss at all levels in your relationships. How many of us have been angry at our spouse and avoided talking about our feelings to avoid fighting. Probably most of us at one time or another have done this. We all have had misunderstandings in our relationship with our spouse; we have failed to communicate our true feelings and assume that our spouse knows us well enough to know what were feeling and how we think. This is the anchor of resentment; resentment doesn’t go away unless you sit down and identify what exactly the resentment is.

Here is a problem many couples face and have no clue on how to deal with resentment. First, of all, what hurts do you need to discuss and why? Many of us use resentment against our spouse, and they have no clue why you’re angry. This will cause love loss in your relationship. Deal with it immediately and don’t think it will go away on its own. It will not!

Do you suspect that you’re falling out of love with your spouse? Do you feel like your relationship is drifting apart? Has the lack of love in your relationship caused your spouse/partner to cheat on you by using Facebook or Classmates.com? Have you seen the signs of them spending time texting excessively or on the computer? Do you need help in confronting your spouse/partners suspicious behavior? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to contact Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. Don’t allow an old love to destroy your relationship. If your marriage has been threatened by or has ended because of a social media affair and you need someone to talk to, or need help in overcoming the pain you’re going through, please call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878. He can help you. He has helped several people through the process of a broken relationship caused by social media infidelity.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

If You’re Considering Divorce (5)

By Dr. Michael Brooks

For those of you who took the quiz, was it a wake-up call for you? Take the time and read what the results are. You may be surprised by the results. What is so important about each of the warning signs in the quiz? Here’s some explanation of each of the items in the quiz to help you figure out where you’re at in your relationship.

Before you divorce, look at ways of saving your relationship.

#1. Couples need to play together to stay together. Part of staying in love is to do things together emotionally and physically. Too much down time from each other is unhealthy and unwise. Spending time with each other promotes togetherness and communication. In my humble opinion, lack of communication today is one of the main reasons for divorces. If you have to find fulfillment from other sources and not from your spouse/partner you should look at this as a warning sign, danger ahead for your relationship. You need to find activities that include doing things together. If for example you like bowling and your spouse hates it and you insist that they do this with you, this will lead to the corrosion of your relationship. Find things that you did as a couple when you first started dating. Rekindle the romance with fun things. If you want to connect with your spouse, talk, communicate, listen to what they have to say, get involved with their life. Want to revive the connection with the one you love? Start doing things that bring laughter and joy to both of you.

When you can’t spend quality time together, this will lead to an unhealthy attitude towards your spouse. Some of the complaints that I get from a spouse who is falling out of love are: He spends too much time at the gym, is at work too long or brings their work home with them and I feel there is no time for me. To make a healthy connection, you need to see each other, hear each other, touch each other each and every day!

#2. What are your Priorities:  When you drift apart you can drift towards things that are unhealthy in your relationship. Do you really want a relationship with your spouse? Are you more interested in being with your friends? Do you find excuses to leave and avoid being with that one you promised to love always? If you find yourself in finding ways to avoid being with your spouse and fill that void with friends and or events, then your priorities are really out of kilter. 3.

#3. You find Sexual interests elsewhere by flirting or thinking of someone else. When some couples grow apart, they start thinking about the opposite sex in unhealthy ways that could tear apart a marriage.The further you grow apart from your spouse, you may want to find someone else! General flirting is a warning sign of falling out of love with your spouse. Some people start looking at porn sites and at dating sites to fulfill the need finding an alternative spouse. This is a growing problem for many couples.

Do you suspect that you’re falling out of love with your spouse? Do you feel like your relationship is drifting apart? Has the lack of love in your relationship caused your spouse/partner to cheat on you by using Facebook or Classmates.com? Have you seen the signs of them spending time texting excessively or on the computer? Do you need help in confronting your spouse/partners suspicious behavior? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to contact Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. Don’t allow an old love to destroy your relationship. If your marriage has been threatened by or has ended because of a social media affair and you need someone to talk to, or need help in overcoming the pain you’re going through, please call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878. He can help you. He has helped several people through the process of a broken relationship caused by social media infidelity.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

If You’re Considering Divorce (2)

By Dr. Michael Brooks

This week we will continue the article on “if you’re considering divorce.” The following weeks will have some insights on how to repair your relationship if this is a problem. Another example is a recent client of mine told me about how his wife had reconnected with an old boyfriend from high school through Facebook. They hadn’t seen each other in 38 years and considered each other their “first love.” As we all know, a “first love” is a strong bond to break especially when there was physical intimacy involved. He told me that her old boyfriend found her on Facebook and sent her a friend request. She responded back by telling him she was married and had four children. He wanted to hear more about her life and what she had been doing all those 38 years through texting. Unbeknownst to her, he had been divorced twice and was planning on getting involved with her.

Before you file for divorce, you better have facts.

Eventually realizing through getting reconnected with her ex-boyfriend, her marriage seemed unfulfilling, and unfortunately, she shared that with her ex-boyfriend. He was an engineer and had been divorced for three years. He wanted to reconnect with her, and she thought it would be nice to see him too. So she traveled to Ohio to meet him and never told her husband where she was going.

She packed her bags for a supposedly “weekend getaway” with some of her girlfriends from work. When she returned from the trip, she told her husband of 30+ years that she was divorcing him. She wanted out and had talked to a lawyer about putting the divorce together. She also told their grown children that she was divorcing their father and told all kinds of lies about him for the reasons she was leaving. She also told the children that he was unfaithful and abusive towards her. The lies got even worse the more time she spent with her old flame talking on the phone and chatting on Facebook. With her lies, she turned her children, family, and friends against him. The lies were so destructive and painful he nearly had a nervous breakdown. He begged, pleaded, groveled, wept and cried to get her back. She destroyed this man’s life because of an affair she wanted and tried to justify it with her lies. This woman was very deceitful and filled bitter feelings towards her husband. When I met with this man at my office, he was beside himself.

He had nowhere to turn, and his children wanted nothing to do with him. His wife hated him and was bent on taking him down. He asked me, “Dr. Mike, where do I go from here? I have done nothing that she has accused me of. I have been faithful to her and loved her, but she always seemed unhappy. I’ve tried talking with her, planning vacations, etc., but it just never worked out. I even asked her to go to marriage counseling, which she refused. I know I wasn’t a perfect husband, but I tried everything possible to make her happy. “

He told me that he found out who the guy was, what kind of job he had and the type of people he was involved with. He also knew how many times he was divorced and even current relationships the man was involved in. He had all the emails they sent each other with the time and date stamps on them. He wanted to know why another man would take his wife away, knowing full-well she was still married. That was a fair question. Relationships can be so complex! They are hard to understand at times. “Who should get the blame,” he asked me? I told him, “They both should. He shares in the equal responsibility. The reason you feel it’s more your wife’s fault is that she is the focal point of your pain.” If you suspect that your spouse/partner is reconnecting with a former girlfriend, boyfriend, lover, etc., you need to confront them immediately.

 Do you suspect that you’re falling out of love with your spouse? Do you feel like your relationship is drifting apart? Has the lack of love in your relationship caused your spouse/partner to cheat on you by using Facebook or Classmates.com? Have you seen the signs of them spending time texting excessively or on the computer? Do you need help in confronting your spouse/partners suspicious behavior? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to contact Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. Don’t allow an old love to destroy your relationship. If your marriage has been threatened by or has ended because of a social media affair and you need someone to talk to, or need help in overcoming the pain you’re going through, please call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878. He can help you. He has helped several people through the process of a broken relationship caused by social media infidelity.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!