A client of mine discovered that his wife was having an affair. He went ballistic when he found love notes she received from another man secretly hidden in her dresser drawer. When I received his call, he was yelling and threatening to punch her secret lover and was prepared tothrow all her clothes out onto the front lawn. He calmed down after 30 minutes into our phone call. He admitted his marriage had been on the rocks for several months, but now he finally wanted to work on restoring his relationship with his wife. After all, he truly loved her. He knew he had to make some big changes or lose his wife!

I advised him not to say anything to his wife until the two of us could sit down and talk. We had to make a game plan. We scheduled a meeting the following Monday where he told me that was the hardest thing he ever had to do was to act if he had never found the love notes. She acted if nothing was going on when she came home and was clueless to the fact that he had found her lover’s handwritten notes. He knew where she was and what she was doing. He wanted to scream at her, but he knew if he did that, their marriage would be over. An important factor in the early stages of saving your marriage is to keep your emotions in check and make a game plan before you say or do anything! Why? If you confront the cheating spouse without a plan, you will say and do some things that will drive your spouse into the arms of the other person. So hold back on saying anything at this time.

After we met, I gave my client some ideas on what the next steps should look like before he confronted her. I often wonder how a hasty revenge destroys any chance of reconciliation. I have seen folks decide they need just one last chance to get even with their cheating spouse by breaking things, giving things away, spreading rumors and making phone calls to people out of anger. None of this will help your chances of reconciliation.

Another suggestion is to avoid a division within your family members, friends and acquaintances. It is best to put together a game plan that will help you take the higher ground which will result in a better situation for you! By all means, stay calm.

Most revenge will blow up in your face. You’ll end up with a police record if you destroy property, hit, spit, push, throw things, slap, etc. You will get finger printed and your picture taken…count on it! This will be permanently placed on your record and could pose future employment problems in the future. I suggest you find someone you can trust. Ask this individual be your sounding board and run things past them that you unsure of. Make sure that whomever you pick is not a gossip or a vengeful person. If you pick someone that encourages you to get a divorce while they themselves are in a troubled marriage, most likely they will use you and live through the advice they are giving you, which usually is not good advice. Many times those folks don’t have the courage to go through with their own divorce, so they will live their life through you. I have seen this happen many times and ultimately live with regret, so be careful. A well meaning friend can cost you lots of money with lawyers, the court system, and the loss of your marriage.

My client, stayed steady with all his improved behavior towards his wife. He spoke kindly to her, asked if she needed anything, asked her to dinner, he was a true gentleman. While you wait for your spouse to return home from their affair, learn how to be alone, take care of yourself, be healthy for the wayward spouse when they come back. If you’re unhealthy emotionally, what do they have to look forward to if and when they come back home? If you’re unhealthy, they will run as fast as they can from you, never looking back. Do you know that you will control a lot that will happen when your partner comes back home? Your attitude, your tongue (what you say), your commitment, your love towards your spouse, and most importantly, your unconditional love towards the one that has offended you must be felt and seen. Don’t keep reminders around the home that proves they have been unfaithful to you. Don’t hold their past over their head, or keep reminding them that you know all of their faults.

One of my clients wife did that, and she wouldn’t show him her evidence. She kept reminding him and repeating she knew he was cheating on her. She never had any evidence, just her thoughts and her written suspicions on paper! Just a ruse to cause tension in the home. So, if you really want to save your marriage stop reminding your spouse of their past and how it caused you pain.

If you want to save your marriage, have healthy people around you, people who will encourage you to keep the marriage intact. People you can call and will be uplifting to you. If you have some friends that are suggesting that you end your marriage, that you want to save and work on, then either cut them out of your life, or don’t share any of your marriage problems with these kind of people. Most of the time what you share in secret with unhealthy people will be shouted from the roof tops, meaning, you will be gossiped about..A big problem with some men and women who are trying to save their marriages is dealing with their bitterness. Bitterness can creep into people trying to hold on to save a their marriage. They start to focus on the one that is involved with their spouse. They will blame the person who is having an affair with their partner, and struggle with the one who left the marriage to have an affair.

When my wife was having her affair, I wanted to leave the marriage (knee jerk reaction most people have). I still loved her, she knew that, I expressed that all the time we talked. I had a lot of turmoil within me about her affair. But I have to be honest with you, it was very difficult to love her 100%. It would ebb and flow from day to day. Some days my love towards her was strong and I wanted to work on the marriage, other days, not so much. I decided that I had to show her real love every day, day in and day out. I had to commit to that, she needed to see that from me. She would say very hurtful things, just to make a dig here and there!

My ex wanted out, she wasn’t making things easy for me. She had excuses for not going to counseling, or meeting with me to talk. I had to prepare myself for hearing the words “I’m having an affair”, they never came, nor would she admit to having one. Yet, people I knew saw her with another man. She was in denial, and I’m sure she would tell anyone who confronted her, he was just a friend. The people I counsel and divorce coach with, would tell you that a spouse having an affair is the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. Most of us would agree. This is one of the toughest challenges you must face if you want to save your marriage. You have to forgive that person, continue to love your spouse through it all. I’m not saying that you don’t have the right to be mad, angry, and all that goes with finding out that you have been cheated on, these feelings are natural and need to be released. I want you to think about learning to trust again. It will take time, but are you willing to try?

Last week I shared several bullet points on what needed to be done to head down the road to a possible reconciliation in your marriage. Talking with each other is key. Arguing will not help you get your point across. Many couples seem to go down this road without having set ground rules as to howthey will discuss the things they on which they disagree. It’s a fact:  you will get angry and you will want to make sure you are heard. When this starts to happen, it’s best to take a time out and then come back to the table at a later time. Try to understand what is making you angry. It’s important both parties are able to share their thoughts and discuss them in an open, honest and safe environment. That’s why setting the ground rules prior to discussing your concerns is important.

Let’s continue on with “How to Save Your Marriage alone”.
What if your spouse is having an affair? What are the steps to take to save your marriage? Believe it or not, most spouses want to save their marriages, even when infidelity is involved. There is hope for you if you want to save your marriage even if you think it can’t! All that is needed is one person who wants to bring the marriage back to life and is committed to making it happen.

Here are a few steps to take to save your marriage. Be open to the hard work that will be required. I want to stress that the work required to save a marriage will take every ounce of strength to make it happen. Many marriages fail because one of the partners has lost interest, energy and endurance to go on. If you feel that is happening to you or your spouse, then back off for a while. Believe me, it’s worth the fight to save your marriage alone. Give it your all and see where it goes.

•    Stand up for your marriage. Be strong and determined to make it work.
•    Some people will walk away from a spouse who was unfaithful. If you are serious about saving your marriage then you will need to be 100% committed to work through the pain and disappointment. Many people say divorce is worse than death. How true! Death is final but divorce lives a life of its own.
•    Identify and fix the past mistakes you and your spouse have made.
•    Remember, the easy way out isn’t always the best way. Avoid filing for divorce and don’t let your knee-jerk reaction control your emotions. Take time to think things over. In the long run you will be glad you did.
•    If you find out that your spouse is cheating on you, keep the children out of it. This is very important. Don’t poison your children against the cheating spouse.

The odds against saving your marriage depend on how you react to different situations. For example, I had a client whose wife accused him of having several affairs. The guy swore up and down that he had never been unfaithful. Her friends even told her that they were suspicious. After several months of separation, my client finally realized that her husband was telling the truth and never had an affair. The lies being spread about him through some of her close friends were unfounded and unfair. Unfortunately, she remarried another man and now she wanted to divorce him and reunite with her first husband. Had she not listened to her friends while her husband was working through his issues, she would probably be married to him today. What a heart breaking story.

This marriage could have been saved if only she would have waited to see the changes in her husband’s life. It makes it much harder to save a marriage when the wandering spouse is interested in someone else. The spouse who leaves often comes back if the one who has been cheated on can stay the course and wait it out. But the waiting partner must not argue, browbeat, coerce, grovel, or complain to their wayward spouse. How you handle disappointment in a troubled marriage is crucial in winning back your spouse.

If you want to save your marriage and need help in doing so, contact Dr. Mike for his advice. You will receive a free, no obligation, 30-minute consultation. Call today for your appointment.

Can you save you marriage alone?

Trying to save your marriage alone can be a long and daunting task. It takes a lot of energy and determination to figure out what you have to do. You can’t repeat fatal mistakes in your marriage. You need to learn from them and understand how they can implode your way of thinking and destroy any chances of saving your marriage. If you have issues with being truthful with your spouse, then it’s time to start working on being honest and fix the problem of being untruthful. Make sure you have heard your spouse and make a list of things they have told you that has caused them heartache and grief. If you can honestly look at what you have done to make things difficult in your marriage, then you are halfway there to understanding how to fix it.

Now let’s get back to my story and what you can learn from my attempt to save my marriage.

As I mentioned in last week’s article, I would call my wife to see if she needed anything. By this point in time, she had walked away and saw no reason to work on our marriage. I continued to work on the things my wife told me I needed to change. I never gave up hope.

Today, I coach and counsel many people in their effort to save their marriages. The tips I am giving you today work; you just have to be consistent and make a serious effort to make lasting changes. Trust me, your spouse will be watching and listening to see if you are being honest in what you say and do!

Over the years, I have asked couples who have been successful in saving their marriage, what worked for them and what advice they would share with those wanting to repair their broken marriage. Here is what they said:

•    Don’t talk about your marriage problems with your co-workers, friends or family.
•    Identify and then fix the mistakes you have made. Be open with your spouse as you talk about the issues you both identify in your marriage.
•    Do not give your spouse a divorce; don’t make it easy. You should seek a lawyer if you need help with the finances and child support.
•    Avoid getting friends and family to take sides. They will take sides if you gossip and talk bad about your spouse. That’s a fact!
•    Don’t turn your friends, family, and especially your children against your spouse.
•    Don’t try to fix your spouse. Work on the changes you need to make.
•    Take one day at a time. Avoid looking at the weeks and months ahead.
•    Be very careful what you tell people about your spouse. If it gets back to your spouse, you can be sure that it will be blown out of proportion. Gossip has a way of distorting the truth, along with your creditability.
•    Commit 100% to saving your marriage. There is no point in working on it if you are not fully committed.
•    Respect your spouse. Carefully choose your words. Hurtful words destroy and leave lasting feelings of bitterness.

Use these bullet points as starters when trying to decide on how to approach and plan to save your marriage. Take notes and listen carefully to what your spouse has been saying over the past several months, or even years. This is the starting point in which you can save your marriage.

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/

Dr. Mike also has a new website devoted to those who are considering divorce or are going through a divorce. You can find it at: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/

Dr. Michael Brooks is founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Can You Save Your Marriage Alone?

Last week we talked about how avoiding meaningful conversations with your spouse can hinder your marriage in many ways. This week we will be learning ways of fixing some of the obvious problems that have been created by you or your spouse.

As I mentioned in last week’s article, I had been driving in the rain thinking about my marital situation. When I arrived at the parking lot, the rain was coming down in sheets. As I sat in my truck, I stared across the parking lot watching the heavy rain fall along with the orange, red and yellow oak leaves. It was at that point that I realized how much I really missed my wife and daughter. I looked across the practice field and could see the kids racing between in and out of the rain. Something was tugging at my heart. An excitement started to build within me.

That’s when I began to wonder if I could fix my marriage. I knew it would take hard work and I would need to change the behaviors that were destroying my marriage. I thought about the areas I was failing in my marriage and finally saw how self-centered I was. I knew I was a jerk to live with. I was uncaring, uncompassionate, distant, and lived my life as though it was all about me. I rarely shared my life with my wife. I realized my parents were not good role models for me and now I was repeating some of the same devastating patterns that nearly broke my parent’s marriage apart.

When I got home that night, I made a list of the mistakes I was making…not my wife’s, but mine. I spent several days compiling the list and even though there were some ugly items on it, I could see why my wife left me. I didn’t blame her at all. I gave her all the ammunition she needed to file for divorce. Some of my problems were embedded in my upbringing and I knew they were not going to be easy to change. It would take some real work and effort on my part, but as I looked at my list, I was dedicated to working on the glaring issues that caused my wife so much pain.

One of the first things I did was to call my close friends and ask them to be brutally honest with me. I told them to hold nothing back when they shared their thoughts about my character flaws. At first they were unsure of what I was asking for. I explained to them I was trying to fix my marriage and needed their help in looking at what kind of person I was. They were reluctant at first, but realized how important this was to me. They shared what they viewed were my weaknesses and flaws. Next, I called my wife who was very hesitant to say anything. She told me it was too late and that she had moved on. That, my friends, was a huge blow to my ego. I didn’t argue with her. I was working on the new me and would keep making the necessary changes even if it meant walking away from an argument.

The insights that my friends shared with me gave me plenty to work on. Following are a few of the things I learned:

•    I was never home to spend time with my family because I was always playing softball or hunting.
•    I couldn’t say “NO” to friends but never found time for my wife or daughter.
•    I never did things with my wife. My friends commented that they never saw the two of us out together.
•    I was always with friends and seldom with her.

I knew my friends were right as painful as it was to hear, I knew all of it was true. These were personal issues and they needed to be addressed. So how was I going to fix these problems? I knew that I would have to spend time with my daughter even though my wife didn’t have any desire to work things out with me. That may be the case for many of my readers. You slowly have to win your spouse back. I did things with my daughter including hikes, planting trees, and shopping. When I asked my daughter what she wanted, she always asked me to read to her, tell her stories, and make popcorn for her. In fact, I had a list that was three pages long. I added items of interest to her list each time we got together. My wife saw the changes and she commented on them. She even noticed I was spending less time with friends and more time with our daughter. I took her to my ball games, then, afterwards we would spend time at the park. I was getting to know my daughter all over again. At times, I felt utterly helpless trying to regain my role as her father, but I persevered.

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/
Dr. Mike also has a new website devoted to those who are considering divorce or are going through a divorce. You can find it at: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/

I get several calls a week with clients asking me if they can save their marriage when their spouse is unwilling or uninterested in doing their part to salvage the relationship. I tell them they can save it if they are willing to do a lot of hard work and never guarantee they will get the results they’re hoping for, but I know of many clients who have saved their marriage alone. When a client comes to me for counseling and coaching I sit down with them and help them through the step-by-step process of saving their marriage. I am going to share with you what you need to do for yourself and your spouse if you are, indeed, willing to do the hard work. I have seen the most difficult relationship where the couple literally hated each other, fix their marriage and become best friends again. If you’re willing to put your pride aside and make some tough commitments, anything can happen.

As I headed to football practice as a high school football coach that October afternoon, there was a steady rain that reminded me that my life was in a mess. The wipers were on as I turned on the defrost to keep the windshield from fogging up. The cold rain matched my feelings towards life in general: gloomy, dark, sad and cold. I turned on the radio to drown out the noise from the wipers. As I drove, my mind raced to happier times, the few of them that I had.

One of those happier times was with my daughter when we were feeding the ducks at the park. She was 7 and full of life and wonderment. I was just starting to realize that I was a father, her father, and wondered why it took so long for me to figure that out. Looking back, my wife was probably wondering that too!

Over the years, it was slow at first, the distance that grew between my wife and me. We talked less and avoided being in the same room. She would watch TV upstairs and I would watch it in the den. I would run errands in town and found myself taking my time coming home. She would visit friends and stay for dinner and a movie just to avoid coming home. We are living in our own world. I felt safe in mine and afraid of hers. Soon we became comfortable in that day-to-day routine. I didn’t miss her and she didn’t miss me.

Looking back I tried to remember where I began to make the mistakes my marriage and as difficult as it was to face, I realized I had made plenty of them. The major ones came to light first. I remember being so involved with sports that I played ball 5 nights a week and was in tournaments on the weekends. I was never home. And to make things worse, I wasn’t good a communicating with her. I never put my wife first. I always put others first. If a phone call came, I would go rescue or help anyone in need just to get out of the house. When she had needs, I always put more importance over my needs. As you can see, I wasn’t a good husband. I was in my late twenties and very self-centered.

When I was served with divorce papers my world came crashing down around me. Prior to getting served, my wife was asking my friends if they would talk to me about working on our marriage. Each person she talked to said “no way!” They were doing the same thing I was doing to my wife – living separate lives while being married. Most of those guys are divorced now and on second and third marriages. And most of those guys were being unfaithful to their wives and wanted nothing to do with talking to me about my marriage. Besides, I was married to my sports but never realizing that I was. As you can see, I probably represent many men whose wives are considering divorce. I hope you can learn from my mistakes, if you can, you can probably save your marriage.

In next week’s article there will be some steps in correcting some of the things you’re doing that will help heal your relationship. If you have any questions please feel free to give me a call.

“You are so stupid, I cannot find a person more stupid than you”, her husband yelled. “You are a jerk! Everyone thinks you’re pathetic! Even I think you’re pathetic and you drink too much! You’re a pig!” his wife responded. Sad, isn’t it? I often get asked by warring couples when I think they should end their marriage. Only those who are trapped in a miserable marriage can answer that question. I can’t make that decision; neither should a family member, nor a friend. Yet, when couples are considering divorce they will ask anyone who will listen. I have seen many make the decision to end their marriage due to the advice of a friend or a family member.

Divorce should always be the last option especially if there is any hope of saving the marriage. I encourage my clients to give their marriage every chance of making it work. This is especially important if you have children. It is imperative that they see their parents trying to work out their differences. The problem with divorce today is how easy they are to obtain.

Is your marriage unbearable and you just can’t stand it any longer because of the physical abuse, drug abuse, physical or emotional infidelity or sexual prevision? If so, then you have to decide whether you’re going to work on your marriage or make the decision to end it. I have had many female clients over the years who were married to abusive alcoholics, drug users and adulterers. I have seen it all, and believe it or not, many of these women choose to stay in abusive marriages. Love takes many different twists and turns and it can be very confusing.

So when do you know if it’s time to throw in the towel? In my opinion, it’s when you, your children or immediate family members are in danger of physical harm or death. That’s when you call the police and seek a court order for protection. The right time to make this call is now! Repeated infidelity is also grounds for divorce. If drug abuse is a problem and children living in the home, I would suggest ending the marriage. The courts will remove children from the home if they know drug abuse is involved. You can’t allow your kids to be victims of an abusive partner who does drugs and places their lives in danger.

There are many reasons marriages end. If you are planning to divorce it’s best to sit down with your spouse and talk things over, unless you are in physical danger or there is history of abuse. Let them know why you are considering a divorce. Be honest and up front. Seek counseling and guidance when you make the decision to divorce. Lay out all the facts on the table and be prepared to explain why you feel the way you do. Let your spouse share their feelings too. So many times a spouse will give no reason for the divorce and will say “Oh, you know why I want a divorce” then walk away. Explain your reasons thoroughly, then move on.

Do you dread being in a miserable marriage and you can’t find resolve or have the energy to continue on? Do you want out of your marriage and need a plan on how to make that happen? Does your spouse have addictions and will not seek help, and you fear for your safety and that of your children? If you answered yes to any of these questions contact Dr. Mike for assistance.

Deciding when to throw in the towel in a bad marriage is really up to you. However, if you can save your marriage, by all means try to make it work. If live in fear and constant danger, contact Dr. Mike.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.