When someone knows that they are intentionally hurting someone and yet continue to do so I call that a form of a severed conscious. You may ask what can I do about someone who continues to hurt me and not show any remorse for their actions. If you can’t reason with them and they don’t care then it’s time to move on. You know my feelings about high maintenance people if they can’t be reasoned with then cut them out of your life. I say the same thing about the person who has a severed conscious. Bid them adieu. Say goodbye and move on. Maybe down the road they will realize how they treated you and wake up and want to make amends with you. You can’t waste your time and energy on these people. If they are willing to seek counseling then by all means work with them and see what happens. This is where you must have your boundaries to protect yourself and family from getting hurt from someone who has a severed conscious. The wounded folks left behind can be found everywhere. If you know of anyone who has been wounded and abandoned by one of these individuals, then encourage them to look for the good in the people they are close to. Don’t let them focus on the bad people do to them but on the good in people in their lives. Life can be difficult and certainly can be even harder if we allow these people in our lives. I can think of several movies that have someone with a severed conscious as a main character. Any come to mind. Scrooge comes to mind and the movie tells the story of a hardened rich person and his lack of compassion and understanding. Next week we will read about an young athlete who had it all and lost it when he became self absorbed in himself and his lifestyle. Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Have we become so hardened towards each other that we just don’t care anymore? I see acts of random kindness all over the place but yet I see hardened people walking about as well. You wonder have they been wounded as children? Have there been broken promises from someone they trusted and loved only to be disappointed repeatedly and this is the reason for their behavior? I had a couple in my office years ago who were talking about getting a divorce. The husband wanted the marriage to work while the wife was indifferent to repairing it. We sat down and talked. The husband was articulate and able to express himself very well. The wife just sat there and said nothing. She listened then finally said what was on her mind. She preferred to be in her own world. She lived in the spare bedroom, had her TV and all her books. She was cold and harsh when sharing her wants and desires. In the biblical sense there was no reason for a divorce. There was no adultery, no physical or emotional abuse. No drugs or alcohol issues. She left the marriage and her family behind. This couple had been married 54 years. She had no explanation for leaving the marriage just excuses. When they got divorced she moved out and had no communication with any of the family. The entire family is left with the question “what did we do?” How do you explain the above story? I call it severing of the conscious. I see this in my office weekly. The only problem is that the people I see are often left with no explanation as to why they have been abandoned emotionally or physically. It’s practically impossible to get answers from those who have that severed conscious and don’t care and why waste your time? Next week we will go over thoughts on how to deal with these people. Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Averting Divorce During the Holidays

Believe it or not this is the season where divorce runs high. During the holidays and up to Valentine’s Day, more people ask for a divorce than any other time during the year. Why is that, you may ask? There are many reasons why.

During the course of the year, many couples work outside the home and are busy living their own lives. Outside of their work and careers, they stay preoccupied with hobbies, friends, sports and electronics. Busy schedules keep couples from interacting with each other and building a strong marriage.

Many develop new friendships at their place of work and during the process, use the new friendships to fill in the gap for what is lacking from their marriage. Though most do not engage in sexual relations outside of marriage, many supplant their spouse with friends who fulfill the need for communication and social interaction.

A typical scenario can be one where both spouses return home from a long day at work and are too busy or too tired to have one-on-one conversations. Sometimes, while at dinner or while watching television they may find themselves talking about co-workers, events at the office or how busy it’s have been with the kids. After a time, it becomes uncomfortable talking about one another’s needs and that leads to stress in the relationship.

For some couples, either the wife or husband may see their spouse in a different light if they have not connected with each other over the past several months and will distance themselves from the other more and more each day. Then, a new and bigger problem has been created. The neglected spouse notices their partner has changed in some way, but they’re just not sure what it is. They start to look for their partner’s faults and begin to focus on them. The things they once adored and appreciated have become detestable and irritations. The long talks they enjoyed are now short one-word responses. Somewhere along the way, both have lost that loving feeling.

At this point, one or the other may decide these are reasons to separate or divorce. Some will seek out friends for advice about getting a divorce. The spouse who wants to leave the marriage will process their friend’s advice and may justify their reasons to leave the marriage and move on with their life. If you suspect that your marriage is in trouble don’t wait! Now is the time to save your marriage. It’s time to be proactive!

Unfortunately, this is a busy time of year for me. My phone rings off the hook from those who want to save their marriage but have no idea what they should do or where to start. Don’t panic! You need to look at realistic ideas that can save your marriage. Following are a few suggestions to help you put some zest back into your marriage and possibly save it from destruction:

•    Avoid arguments during the holidays.     
•    Don’t be a nit-pick, i.e. nag, whine, or force your agenda.
•    Encourage each other with complements and avoid sarcasm.
•    Plan something fun. Go to dinner, the movies, museums, etc. and have fun.
•    Have a date night with just you and your spouse without the kids.
•    Have a time where of you both sit down and talk without interruptions. Turn off cell phones, the TV, etc. and focus on each other.
•    Cook a meal together and share responsibilities in preparing and clean up.
•    Put the kids to bed and slow dance to a candle-lit room and sweet talk while dancing.
•    Surprise your spouse with a small gift from the grocery store (nothing expensive but something they will appreciate).

All these are easy to do so if you feel you’re starting to feel distance, then try these tips. Taking action and growing a healthy relationship is a matter of just doing it. Someone has to take the first step and it might as well as be you!

In building a healthy relationship both parties must contribute to the process to make it happen. Both need to be creative and enjoy your time together. Make it a point to have a date night and communicate what you want and need from each other in your relationship. I can tell you that the clients I see in my office, tell me that silence can certainly contribute to a failing marriage.

In my opinion, lack of communication is the number one reason for divorce worldwide. When you don’t talk to one another, no one knows what the other is thinking. Someone may start making assumptions about the other partner and it’s downhill from there. Communication is one of the easiest fixes in a marriage and can be enjoyable as you both learn better communication skills.

In closing if you need help in building a better marriage or want to prevent a divorce, now is the time to do it. Don’t wait for the perfect time. There is no perfect time. The sooner you work on it the better.

If you marriage is in serious trouble and you’re ready to do what it takes to save it, then call for a free complementary 20 minute consultation with Dr. Mike at 303.456.0555.

“Dr. Mike, you have no idea what I am going through. There is so much pain. Nobody can help me! I can’t sleep and I can’t eat. I can’t focus on my job. I am consumed by the possibility that my marriage may be ending and I don’t want it to end. I want to save my marriage. How can I do that?” I listened on the phone to my client who was having a really bad day. She was in meltdown out of fear of losing her husband. I get the same kind calls from men who want to save their marriage.

Unwittingly, there are several things we may do as spouses that can drive our partner away. When men and women are hurting, they say and do things that can drive a wedge between each other.

Groveling, pleading, and begging is a big one. Non-stop talking is another. Bartering is also damaging to relationships. And, not allowing time and space for healing is another. If you are having difficulty figuring these things out, call me and make an appointment. I can help you stop doing the damage that is preventing you from saving your marriage. Those of you who are experiencing the possibility of losing your marriage take heed in what I am telling you. If you continue to try to fix your marriage by yourself without help you can severely damage any chances of reconciliation. Don’t delay getting help. The sooner you start working on saving your marriage, the better.

Here are my quick tips to start the healing process. These are just a few but they work.

   Do not argue in front of your children
    Avoid questioning and accusing your spouse
    Don’t use assumptions when talking with your spouse
    Don’t interrupt while they are speaking, learn to listen
    Learn forgiveness for yourself and your partner
    Know when to walk away from a heated discussion
    Keep your children out of your disagreements (find a place to talk)
    Work on better communication
    If you’re wrong, admit it (put the pride away)

It’s really easy to forget what the issues are when in a heated argument. Stick to the talking points. Don’t poison your talk with hurtful words, accusations, historical events that took place over a year ago. If you have a bad habit of doing any of these things, STOP! You both need to be healthy for each other and you need to learn how to be healthy.

I can teach you how to be healthy so your spouse can see that you are making changes for yourself and willing to work on the marriage. A little change can go a long way. If you continue on improving the way you communicate, act towards him/her, on being a marriage partner instead of a roommate, a loving and caring spouse, then there is hope for your marriage. If you want to save your marriage, it has to start with you. Are you ready and willing to take the next steps? Are you willing to invest in your marriage, yourself and your spouse? If you’re ready to take the next step then schedule a free 20 minute phone call with Dr. Mike to see if he can help you with the next steps in saving your marriage.

When is the last time you heard someone say to you or a friend, “If I were you I would get a divorce.”? I hear it all the time in my office. I had a young man in my office just two weeks ago who told me, “My friends said that I should get a divorce and I think they are right!” Wow! I am amazed at how many people get talked into a life changing decision without finding the consequences of divorce.

I let my clients know upfront that divorce is a sobering experience. It’s not for the faint of heart. Not only does it terminate the marital relationship, divorce can also terminate relationships with your in-laws, good friends and even your own family. What is the price you will pay for your divorce? Well my friends, here are some facts that may enlighten you on divorce in the US:

United States Divorce Statistics

Most people already know that around 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce. The number is similarly high in many other developed nations.
When you break that down by number of marriages:
•    41 percent of first marriages end in divorce.
•    60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.

•    73 percent of third marriages end in divorce.

In America, there is one divorce every 13 seconds. That’s 6,646 divorces per day, and 46,523 divorce per week.The average length of a marriage that ends in divorce is eight years.

Statistics on the Likelihood of Divorce

• If your parents are happily married, your risk of divorce decreases by 14 percent.
• People who wait to marry until they are over the age of 25 are 24 percent less likely to get divorced.
• Living together prior to getting married can increase the chance of getting divorced by as much as 40 percent.

Divorce and Children Statistics

• The divorce rate among couples with children is 40 percent lower than couples without children.
• Forty-three percent of children growing up in America today are being raised without their fathers.
• Seventy-five percent of children with divorced parents live with their mother.
• Twenty-eight percent of children living with a divorced parent live in a household with an income below the poverty line.
• Half of all American children will witness the breakup of a parent’s marriage. Of these children, close to half will also see the breakup of a parent’s second marriage.

These are very enlightening statistics, in fact several of you will be able to relate to some of these numbers. Before you even consider getting a divorce make sure that you talk to someone who can help you sort through the mess you’re in. If you’re listening to a friend who is giving you advice about ending your marriage, don’t! They may think they’re looking out for your best interest, but they don’t see the pitfalls that can cost you your marriage in case it is salvageable. Don’t forget, divorce cost you financially in the long run. Divorce should only be an option if you can’t work things out and/or the other party wants no part of reconciliation.

Before you see a lawyer, please give me a call and let’s talk about the problems in your marriage…all of them! Many issues in an unhealthy marriage are misunderstandings, lack of communication or unwillingness to make changes to fix the marriage. Maybe you need to be heard and the only way to get your spouse to listen is to threaten divorce. Is it possible you don’t know how to sit down and talk about your problems and end up arguing and getting nowhere? If that’s the case, I can help you set up a game plan that will get your questions answered and how to plan your future.

Don’t let your marriage fail because of your lack of doing nothing to change things. The regrets I hear from a broken hearted divorced spouse causes a lot of pain for everyone involved. Don’t live in the “would have, should have, could have” world. I want people to know that giving your marriage every chance to survive is worth the effort. If it doesn’t work, then you can look back and say, “I gave it my all.”

Are you in a difficult, loveless marriage and need help in getting control of it? Do you want to confront your spouse with your concerns? Do you need help in putting together your talking points? Are you someone who needs help in stopping negative thoughts about your spouse? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give Dr. Mike a call he can help you.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call at 303.456.0555! You’ll be glad you did!

As I mentioned in my previous article, my client and I planned each step of the long journey to reconciliation. After he confronted his wife with the love letters, the next step would address how he could win her heart back. I asked him what his wife enjoyed when they first started dating. He thought for a moment then told me she liked it when he bought her chocolates. He couldn’t remember what kind of chocolate so that’s when I sent him off with his next assignment – to find out what kind of chocolate it was without asking her. “What else did she like?” I asked. “Flowers” he responded. “Ok, what kind of flowers?” ” Well,” he went on to say, “she likes roses, white and red ones.” Then I asked him, “Do you see where I am going with this?” “Yes, I do,” he said. “I have to date her all over again, and win her heart.”

At first she refused his attempts to do little things together. He would have dinner ready when she came home from work and would get her favorite treats when he picked up the groceries. I told him it would take time to win her heart back, if he could at all. He was in it for the long haul and took every opportunity he had. He learned the art of small talk and avoided challenging her or debating their conversations. He worked on his listening skills and actually learned how to listen to her.

When she finally opened up and began talking with him, he had to bite his tongue a few times and not say the things he wanted to say. But once he got the hang of it, he was able to open his heart as well. Just this one little change on his part started the healing process. Each of us has to find out what changes are required to make an improvement in our relationships. Many people will cop out and say, “Those kinds of changes are no big deal!” Not true. If you are the one who is making those changes to win your spouse back, then you will put your heart and soul into it. It will be a big deal to you.

The next major hurdle for my client was not asking where his wife was when she came home late after work. This flies in the face of being understanding and reasonable, but it also creates a divisive attitude between you and your spouse. Win your spouse over with the healthy changes that you need to make.
You will never get anywhere if you are demanding your spouse to change for you. Give them a reason to want to come back home to you. The changes you make will help them see you are the one they need to be with – not the person they left you for. Many marriage counselors will tell you to divorce the wayward spouse. I believe that the heart can change, and will do so under the right circumstances. You have to make sure that the commitment you make to the marriage is also seen by your spouse. Healing is needed on both sides. Provide the right atmosphere for that and watch what happens.

There will be times that you will want to bring up the past and times that you want the details of the affair. There will also be times that you just want to give up. I can’t guarantee your marriage will survive the affair; however, if you want to make it work, I want to encourage you to fight the good fight to keep your marriage alive. You can do it! I have seen it happen many times!

If you want to save your marriage and need help doing so, contact Dr. Mike for his advice. You will receive a free, no obligation, 30-minute consultation. Call today for your appointment.

How to Save Your Marriage Alone (Part 7)

Following is a checklist of what to look for when deciding upon a divorce counselor/coach. It’s important to tell this person that you want your marriage restored.

   A level headed, calm person who listens well.
    Someone who works with facts and not feelings.
    Someone who seeks to restore the marriage first and divorce second.
    Someone who will not rush you into anything that’s not in the best interest of your children.
    A person who encourages you to delay dating, even if you want to date out of revenge.
    A person who will encourage you to be truthful.
    Someone who will encourage counseling and open communication with your spouse.

After my client and I talked about how he would confront is wife regarding her infidelity, he called her to set up a time that they would meet for dinner. After they ate and had time to talk, he let her know that he had found the love letters in her dresser drawer when he was putting her laundry away. She looked at him in total shock and disbelief. Later that evening, she went to their bedroom and found the notes. She yelled at him while shaking her love letters in her hand and accused him of snooping around and going through her personal things. She screamed at him and demanded that he leave. (Note: under no circumstances should you leave your home during a heated argument. If you do, this most likely will open up the door to visits from the one the offending spouse is having an affair with.)

He firmly, yet with kindness stated he was not leaving. He told her that he loved her and that they would work through this. He admitted he wasn’t the greatest husband and acknowledged he had to make some major changes in his own life. That’s what it takes – admitting your faults and that you will be working on them to make the marriage work. She didn’t believe him. The next day she moved out. He stayed the course we planned by getting counseling, committing 100% to the marriage and loving her regardless of what she was said or did. Over a period of several months, she began to see the changes in him, although she was still seeing the other man from time to time. Late one night she and her lover had an argument that escalated to the point that she packed up her bags and moved back into the house. She told her husband that the guilt of having an affair was overwhelming in the face of all the changes she saw her husband making. She saw that he loved her unconditionally, no matter what she said or did to him.

Something to remember is that even though the wayward spouse falls head over heels with someone else, they may move out of the house or ask you to. However, if you both live in the same house you will have plenty of time to interact by talking with each other, showing your love toward your partner, and showing them the changes you are making in your own life. This will impact your spouse in a way that will give pause for second looks at your marriage and they will start seeing you in a different light.

When your spouse is discovered cheating, you can expect an outburst of anger from them because they have been discovered. They have been humiliated and their cover is blown. Some may deny the affair even with evidence being shown them. Some will stick with the story that they never had or are in an affair.