The Day you Decide to Divorce (3) By Dr. Michael Brooks

I have spoken to several clients who are just fed up with the state of their marriages, and out frustration, are angry that no changes are happening. What do they do? Many just go and file for divorce. Their done and have felt they have given it they’re all. They have talked, begged, and pleaded with their spouse’s, to get help for their marriage and go to counseling with them. Many divorces that happen are done out of spite or ignorance. There are many well thought out divorces, and they have all their ducks in a row. They have done all their research, and emotionally they are ready, come hell or high water. The best advice I can give you is to explore ALL your options. Look at the pro’s and cons and the ramifications of what your divorce will do to you, and to your kid’s.

Seriously, it’s up to you to do your homework and see what you can do to figure out all options. You have several areas that you must consider before filing. What will happen to your children? Living arrangements (where will you live)? Will you need to sell your home and move to an apartment? What about your finances, child custody arrangements, retirement plans, friends, etc? There is so much to consider in your divorce process.

Take some time just by yourself and reflect on why you want a divorce? Ask yourself, what will a divorce do for you? This will give you some insight on your next steps. I had a client do this, and she called me thanking me for giving her this advice. She took some time off of work and sat down at the kitchen table and put pen to paper and came up with several solutions and decided which one would work best for her. She struggled with her emotional feelings about her husband, and her children, but she came to the conclusion that she would give counseling one more try. She sat down with her husband and shared with him her thoughts on divorce and what they could do to avoid it. They both came up with a plan and made it work. I know many people who get divorced cannot stand their spouses and want out of their marriage and have come to that conclusion with no hesitation. All I’m asking is for you to get alone by yourself and pray, think and have facts before you decide. This will help you make a wise decision for your future. 

How many people do you think want to get a divorce for one or more of the following reasons.

• Marital unfaithfulness, habitual cheater
• Emotional affairs, the internet, texting, and phone
• No longer in love
• Finances
• Step-children
• In-laws
• Drugs and alcohol addictions
• Roommate relationships
• Poor communication
• Trust issues
• Disrespect and verbal abuse

This certainly could be a very long list if we added some of your reasons. Now looking at this list, how many of the reasons listed above could be helped with counseling/coaching? I would say most under the right conditions. Some people see no help in trying to restore their marriage relationship. They have decided to give up no matter who tries to talk to them. They have been burned and want out.

If you have decided to divorce and there is no turning back, I have advice for you. Have a plan before committing to divorce. Make sure that you understand the laws of your state and what has to take place. Seek good counsel with a plan that allows you to be fair and not vengeful towards your soon to be ex. If you have children involved in your divorce, make sure that you’re respectful towards your spouse. Even in divorce you can show mercy and be fair without pounding your soon to be ex into the ground. Bitterness can and will drag you down and make you feel worthless in public opinion. So, avoid getting even or revenge on your soon to be ex. You have to be above board when dealing with your ex and their lawyer. The more fighting you do between each other and through your lawyers in the long run will be costing big bucks. Trust me on this!

Ask yourself these questions; am I filing because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then give Dr. Mike a call he can help with this difficult process of deciding on your next steps and what to do. Call him at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did! You can call him at 303.880.9878

The Day you Decide to Divorce (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

I had a client who shared his angry feelings about his wife with his close friends at a bar one day. A few of these friends didn’t like his wife because she complained that he was out partying with his friends and not home with the family. So, here was an opportunity for his buddies to get payback at her for asking him to come home after hanging out with them. My client listened to his friends, and one of his co-workers convinced him to use his divorce lawyer that he used (just to check out his options). Without talking to his wife about his feelings and while he was all worked up went and spoke to this friend’s lawyer. The lawyer said that he would take his case if he needed him. So on the advice of his drinking buddies he filed for divorce, his wife was served divorce papers having no clue what her husband was up to. When served she tried calling him at work and he wouldn’t answer her calls. She then went to his job site and confronted him with the divorce papers she was served. He gave her the silent treatment, and she was asked to leave the job site by his bosses for creating a scene. She was an emotional wreck and tried keeping peace in the home with their children. He moved out and went and lived with his friend who suggested that he get a divorce and talk to his lawyer.

In our first meeting, he mentioned to me it was fun at first, he and his friend went to bars, parties and drank heavily at the house he stayed at. He would go to work hung-over, and his co-workers would encourage him to stop going to late night parties. Some of his friends at work told him that his personality was changing for the worse. His bosses confronted him one day while at work and said that he’d get no more warnings about being late for work or being hung-over, the next time he would be fired. His friend that he was living with said that he shouldn’t let people at work tell him how to live his life. Well, you can imagine, he lost his job for being hung-over and not being able to do his job.

I will tell you, don’t share your marriage troubles with outsiders. They will give you bad advice and have no invested interest in you or your spouse’s marriage except to be a busy body (gossip) and give you bad misinformation. Here are my tips for keeping your private issues private.

• Talk to your spouse first, before sharing with friends or family
• Make sure that if you have any conflicts between you or your spouse talk them out first
• Avoid sharing any information about your marriage with a known gossip
• Encourage you and your spouse to seek counseling/coaching before talk with a lawyer or filing for a divorce
• Be honest with your feeling why you are talking about wanting a divorce
• One of the main reasons for someone wanting a divorce is the lack of communication. It’s a problem that you can work on and address right away.
• Listen well when talking about getting a divorce, what are the reasons and can you both agree to work on trying to resolve the problems.
• If you do share with someone, please get someone who has no bias opinion of either of you. Find a straight shooter who cares for both of you.
• Make sure that your children are not involved with the initial process of trying to figure out your next steps in divorcing or not divorcing.

Ask yourself these questions; am I filing because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then give Dr. Mike a call he can help with this difficult process of deciding on your next steps and what to do. Call him at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did! 303.880.9878

The Day you Decide to Divorce (1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

You’ve been thinking about it for weeks, maybe even months. You can’t pretend anymore that everything is alright in your marriage. You wake up in the morning feeling guilty that you’re living a lie. You remain silent; you avoid conflict or any confrontation for that matter. You agree to things with your spouse that you normally don’t, just to keep the peace.

Do you have a real reason to file for divorce?

You have thought about how unhappy you’ve been for what seems years; you find yourself daydreaming about being free and on your own. You see yourself in new and exciting relationships. Most people who are thinking of divorce want the peace and calmness they deserve. They think, why shouldn’t I be happy and enjoy the rest of my life in peace? After all, I’ve devoted my life to my spouse and children and need time for myself. I deserve a life that I can enjoy and not be accountable to anyone.

For those of you who have considered divorcing, I’m sure that several of these thoughts have raced through your mind after an argument, a sleepless night of worry or realizing that you want out. I see many clients who struggle with this thought process. It’s not an easy place to be in, nor to be weighing on your mind 24/7. In fact, I’m sure that many people considering divorce right now are struggling with pulling the trigger and starting the divorce process. It’s a hard decision and a lasting one at that!

I want to bring to your attention a few important things before you take that next step. Ask yourself these questions; am I filing for divorce because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? Are there tools that I need to use to help me make my decision for example; (better communication, better listening, better understanding, etc.?)

Impulsive divorce demands backfire and will cause you and your spouse a great deal of harm and irreparable damage to your relationship. I tell my clients look at every option and examine the real reason for wanting a divorce. Some people file because they are talked into it by a well-meaning family member or friends. You have to decide on your own and make this decision by yourself. Don’t allow someone to convince you into filing for a divorce. You will live to regret it down the road. I have had many people in my office brokenhearted and angry because they allowed someone to make the decision for them to file for divorce. The regrets these people go through is painful and agonizing.

I’ll ask this one more time, and I want to bring this to your attention. Ask yourself these questions; am I filing because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then give Dr. Mike a call he can help with this difficult process of deciding on your next steps and what to do. Call him at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Playing the victim Card (5) By Dr. Michael Brooks

I had some friends who were having marriage problems. The wife was blaming her husband for every issue that came up in the marriage. He couldn’t do anything right to save his life. He was late in getting home from work all the time, he didn’t get the right groceries she asked for, he snored and tossed and turned, which kept her up at night. She took no responsibility for anything that was wrong in their marriage, it was all his fault. I said to the husband, the next time your wife starts the blame game, stop her and talk about the problems she brings up one at a time. Don’t continue to stand there and wait till she’s done. Keep her on topic and deal with it one problem at a time.

I know of a couple that the husband blamed his wife for all their marriage problems. She didn’t clean the house correctly; she wasn’t managing the kids the way he wanted. He blamed her for his business problems. She dreaded him coming home. She tried everything to make the marriage work. She went to counseling; she did it his way as far as running the household, raising the kids. Nothing she did was right. He just didn’t have the wherewithal to tell her he wanted a divorce. He drove her to it and now blames her for their divorce.

Marriage can be difficult, we all know that. But, it also brings some great rewards and happiness. I think that we all get married intending to live a happy life and enjoy being appreciated and loved, and respected. When you start seeing your spouse using the victim card against you, your world starts to crumble if it is allowed to continue. Having a weekly check-in time with your spouse is important to keep a healthy relationship intact. What I mean by check in time, sit down and talk to each other face to face. Be open and honest with how you feel your marriage is. If your spouse has been using the victim card, talk about their concerns and what can be done to fix the problem. Victims need to express their feelings and by you sitting down with them helps eliminate them seeking someone to listen to them. Talk it out and be available for weekly talks if needed.

In closing, there are some victims that need to get help from law enforcement, counselors, and clergy. I understand that, and it’s important to get help when you need it. The victims I’m speaking about are those who abuse the victim card and wonder why people distance themselves from these kind of people.

If you’re physically or sexually abused then get help immediately. If you feel that you’re getting emotionally abused, talk to a counselor. Get legal help if necessary. There are people willing and wanting to help you with your needs. Call them today.

Do you feel that you’re living with a spouse that plays the victim card on you and you want it to stop? Do you need help in confronting someone who abuses the victim card? Are you someone who uses the victim card and you want to stop? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then contact Dr. Mike for personal help and planning your next steps at 303.880.9878.

Playing the Victim Card (3) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Another problem is that parents will also use the victim card to blame teachers and teacher aids for their children’s poor grades. Parents should not allow the teachers to be babysitters while their children are at school. Parents need to sit down with their children and make sure that they do their assignments and work with their kids. 

Don’t let people play the victim card on you!

Another place where the victim card is played is at work. This is a really bad place to use the card, (don’t talk about legal, martial, or your relationships at work) because there are many times when you use that card it gets around the office, and the gossip will start about you. There are consequences to you playing the victim card at work (DON’T). People who play the victim card are less likely to get a job promotion and advance in the company, honestly many of your coworkers can’t deal with your drama if you play this card.

As adults, we are more likely to use the victim card if we continue to get away with it. When you were hired, you had expectations for your employment. You had to be on time, work so many hours per day and week, you had to complete the job you were hired for. Many people today will use the victim card at work and try to get away with it. It happens all the time. Here are some excuses that people use at work.

• Traffic was bad
• Unexpected company
• Too tired
• Not feeling well
• Weather conditions
• Getting kids to school
• Family problems

Some of these excuses are valid, and with most employees, they will understand.  But, if you’re the one using the victim card and missing work because of it, you can’t blame others for being angry at you. People will start confronting you if you continue to use the victim card at work. 

Do you feel that you’re living with a spouse that plays the victim card on you and you want it to stop? Do you need help in confronting someone who abuses the victim card? Are you someone who uses the victim card and you want to stop? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then contact Dr. Mike for personal help and planning your next steps at 303.880.9878.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Playing the victim Card (1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

I listen to a lot of people these days that take no responsibility for their personal actions whatsoever. They blame everybody for their circumstances or poor choices. Do you know people like that? They come in all different shapes and sizes. They’re young, old, teenagers, children, rich, poor, famous, and not so famous. You hear them in your family, at work, on television, radio and in the papers and social media. It seems we can’t get away from them.

Being raised in a military family, you were not allowed to play the victim card; it wasn’t allowed nor permitted. Believe me; I sure tried, and it never worked for any of us kids. You were responsible for your behavior, and the consequences had a price to pay. If you got out of line, you paid the price with the right hand of righteousness (spanking for you younger readers).  

I was watching a father and son interact after his son played in a baseball game. I think the boy was 12 years old. He didn’t play a very good game and made a lot of mistakes. The son blamed the ball glove, the coaching wasn’t very good, he had all kinds of excuses. The dad listened patiently as his son spoke and when his son was done talking to his dad, the dad said something very profound “son, maybe you’d better practice more on your baseball skills and spend less time on your computer and watching TV.” I think the dad handled the situation very well. It’s easy to fall into the trap of letting your kids get away with blaming others for their mistakes and not being responsible for themselves.

I have heard kids who can’t complete assignments have many reasons for not doing their homework. I’m sure many of us adults have used the same excuses. Here are a few.

• I was too tired
• I left my homework assignment at school
• I forgot
• I don’t understand it
• I’ll do it tomorrow
• I’ve got two weeks to do my book project, I’ll get to it this weekend
• Stop bugging me, I’ll do it after dinner

The sad thing about our kids these days, parents don’t want to be parents, they want to be their kids best friend. This is a perfect setup for allowing your kids to use the victim card. Parents need to recognize that confronting your kids using the victim card will help them to take responsibility for their own actions. Kids need to stop blaming others for personal mistakes and bad choices they make. Kids need to learn that at an early age and parents need to stop making excuses for their kids.

Do you feel that you’re living with a spouse that plays the victim card on you and you want it to stop? Do you need help in confronting someone who abuses the victim card? Are you someone who uses the victim card and you want to stop? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then contact Dr. Mike for personal help and planning your next steps at 303.880.9878.

Avoid the Wrong Kind of People (5) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Growing up while in high school, I had a friend who always had the best clothes, watches, pens. He had a lot of nice stuff. One day he asked me if I wanted a new watch. I said sure. He brought it the next day and handed it to me. I looked at the watch still inside the box with a price tag of $49.00. I asked him where did he get it, and he responded with “a five finger discount.” I looked at him and said, “you stole it?” Yep, he responded. I handed it back to him and said, no thanks! I made my mind up, right then and there, he wasn’t going to be a friend of mine. My gut feeling told me to avoid this wrong kind of person. That’s the small little voice you often hear warning you about these kind of people. Avoid, avoid, avoid! That should be what you hear when someone is wrong for you.

How about bad relationships that people get themselves into and know that are wrong. This is a big problem for both men and women. I have a friend who is in a very unhealthy relationship. The woman he is dating will not commit to their relationship. When my friend asked her what concerns she had, she expressed all kinds. Her job was demanding, not enough time for herself, she liked to party alone, and the big one she brought up was his old girlfriends. He never talked about his old girlfriends with her. This was just out of the blue and took him by surprise. There wasn’t any commitment on her part, and he should have said to himself, time to move along and stop being with the wrong person. He still hangs on to see if they can have that relationship he wants with her. I think he will never get that relationship he wants with her.

You can see the pattern of a very unhealthy person and one that you should avoid. Relationships in themselves are great if you have a healthy person in your life. The relationships that are based on alcohol, drugs, and sex are doomed to fail and lead you down the road to destruction. If you’re in a relationship that is full of drama either by you or the person you’re in a relationship with, it’s time to end it. Be done with it, move on and plan ahead. Time and energy should be used to having a great relationship and not one that’s causing you to lose sleep over. Here are the things you need in a healthy committed relationship.

• Trustworthy
• Integrity
• Good listener
• Good communicator
• Understanding
• Slow to anger
• Spends time with you
• Affirms you
• Does things for you

If you’re dealing with an unhealthy relationship, then get some help in making a wise decision to either work on it or move on with your life. You can make any relationship work if both parties are willing to sit down and talk. If the other person isn’t willing to talk with you, then I think you know what you have to do. It’s not difficult my friends. It just takes the guts to make it happen.

Are you afraid to confront the wrong kind of people in your life? Are you involved in a wrong kind of relationship and need help getting out of it? Do you have friends who are involved with drugs, alcohol and want you to join them, and you can’t say NO? Would you like a plan that can help you eliminate the wrong kind of people in your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then contact Dr. Mike for personal help and planning your next steps at 303.880.9878.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!