My cell phone rang at 12:45 Sunday morning. On the other end of the line was a woman yelling, Dr. Mike please call 911, my cell is not letting me call 911, please help me, my husband is stabbing himself. I quickly made the call to dispatch; her husband was taken to the hospital with non life threatening injuries. This couple had been fighting for several days, and the wife could no longer take it. She was now fighting back to save her sanity! The arguments now took a turn for the worse; wars of words now became personal attacks from both sides.

The next day, as I listened to the woman on the other end of the line, with her complaints about her husband her marriage, and how she could no longer take it anymore…his controlling ways, he told her what she could read, what she could watch on television, what she could cook, who her friends could be, what she could wear, he didn’t allow me to wear makeup, I stopped her, and then asked her, Is this the end of the world? Or are you having a bad day?

There was a pause on the other end of the line, and then she said it depends on which side of the fence you’re on. I have heard all negatives, and nothing positive or optimistic about your situation, I said. Did you hear what I said, she asked? Yes, of course I did! My question that rocked her world was, “… why did you allow your husband to take away your life?” Why is he so controlling over you that you can’t think for yourself?

Immediately, I heard all her excuses. He would yell at me if I read romance novels, so I stopped reading them at home. I would have to go to the library with my kids to read them there. So, you were being sneaky, and is that who you really are? No, she quickly responded. So, you allowed him to tell you what to wear? Yes…he would tell me to wear three t-shirts and wrap a sweater around my waist, everyday. If I didn’t do what he said, I would be shamed into submission. He felt that I was dressing for other men, so he made dam sure I wasn’t attractive to other men, same reason he would not allow me to wear make-up! I had the poorest self esteem whenever he made his demands of me. He took away any support that I had in my friends, he made sure that I had no one to talk to. I felt so alone where we lived.

He hated everyone in my immediate family, my mother who helped us financially, even when the power was about to be turned off, he wouldn’t allow her to even visit my kids or her grand kids, my dad, was attacked constantly. So, what did you do, I asked her? I gave away my freedom; I willingly and knowingly gave it away. So, I would no longer be brow beaten into his way of thinking, and I eventually did. My life is hopeless, I have given up, and I have no more energy left to fight! I can’t do it any longer as she began to cry on the phone.

So, what are your prospects, where do you go from here? I honestly don’t know, she said! Well, you have a ton of options, did you know that? I sure don’t feel like it, she responded. Well you do. So, I proceeded to let her know all the options I could think of. This is what I had on my list:

1. File for legal separation

2. Get intense counseling for you and your children

3. Set your boundaries and stick with them

5. Start living again, find some healthy friends

6. Do some fun things with your kids, go to park and let them play, twice a week.

7. Start going back to church, get the kids involved

8. Get into a support group of women who can help you be accountable

9. Reconnect with family and friends, they will understand

10. Make some goals for yourself, be realistic and make healthy goals

11. Couple counseling when you’re ready

12. Have a girls’ night out with friends

13. Read and study books on boundaries and co-dependency

14. Have some fun, watch comedy movies, and television shows

15. Reconnect with your kids by making meals together, talk at the dinner table.

These are just a few ideas; I know my readers could come up with many as well. I would like to ask you to go and blog your ideas, she needs your help, and if any of you have been in a controlling relationship, you have my permission to blog your ideas!

Ask yourself these questions:

·  Do I need help in setting my boundaries?

·  Do I need to get out of an unhealthy relationship that is killing me emotionally?

·  Am I in trouble with my husband, because I don’t agree with his way of running the household?

·  Is my life upside down because I have no means of support from friends and family?

·  Does my husband tell me what I can read, watch on TV, or how I should dress?

If you have asked yourself any of these questions, you can contact Dr. Mike for help in setting up boundaries for yourself.

If you would like some help in setting up boundaries in your life, or if the relationship that you’re in is not going well, you can contact Dr. Mike at 303.456.0555, Life Coaching is done over the phone, so there is no reason to leave your home or office.

How does Life Coaching work? You’ll meet once a week, by phone, for a one-on-one conference, usually 45 minutes a session. In each phone conference you’ll plan and review, together, each of your “Focus Goals” and action areas. In each session, you’ll also receive support and guidance in creating the right attitudes and motivation in the area’s that you want to work on most. In addition to the weekly phone conferences, you’ll also communicate by e-mail, so you’ll have help and support throughout the week.

If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike’s website is www.applicablecoaching.com all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today’s coaching article. Mike is also available for speaking engagements.

I was unloading a UPS trailer during a blizzard in Wisconsin, it was cold, and I did not like the trailer rattling in the wind. Some snow was blowing through the cracks of the trailer that was backed on the dock. The temperatures outside were minus 12, and the wind gusts were over 50 mph. This blizzard started shortly after we reported for work. Drivers started calling in to work at 4:30 AM wondering if they should show up with the weather conditions the way they were.

I listened to the supervisor tell them that they had better show up; if the unloaders and pre-loaders showed up, so should they! This supervisor used us to make the package drivers show up to work by using guilt on them. This particular supervisor had problems with just about everyone at work, the drivers, sorters, unloaders, and pre-loaders. I’ve seen him get into shouting matches with part-timers, and drivers! You could not reason with this guy. He was the most negatively talked-about boss I have ever worked for! He was hated by just about everyone at this center.

As the storm grew in intensity, the center manager, called my boss and said that you are to call the drivers and let them know, no one will be going out into the storm and to stay home! My boss was upset and slammed the phone down on his boss. I thought that this is an interesting scenario, what about all of us who are at the center? Will we be stranded for most of the day? Someone suggested that we be sent home, and he said, NO! I thought to myself — if we still had power, heat, and snacks in the vending machines, I would be OK with whatever he decided.

I went outside to help guide the trailers being backed on to the docking doors, and it was extremely cold, the wind cut through my jacket and through my soaked wet t-shirt. As I was yelling through the wind to let the tractor trailer driver know to keep backing up, my supervisor scared the daylights out of me, by yelling at me, we were not backing the trailer up fast enough! Here is my boss, not listening to a word I said, about snow drifts, ice, and zero visibility. He looked at me and said “listen Mr., we are going to have talk when you get back into the building.

When I returned from helping back the trailer on to the docking doors, he yelled my name, and demanded that I follow him to his office. My other co-workers, started laughing, and teasing me as I walked by them. What could I say? I hadn’t ever been called into his office before. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, so, I walked into his office, and he slammed the door behind me.

I then listened to him, berate me, attack me and my work ethics, then he started calling me names. I was 23 years old going to college and had a family. I had never been treated like this in any job I worked. I was never late, never a problem for any boss I had. I was considered a great employee. I listened as he continued to make personal digs at me. When he was done, he asked if I had to say anything. I looked him in the eye, and said something I have never said before. Are we talking about the same employee? I then let him know – without yelling – show me one bad report on my work record. Let’s ask the center manager if he would agree with you about my work performance. I then asked him, have I ever been late for work? You never had a complaint before about me, why now?

After reasoning with him, and pointing out the attacks on me personally, he began to understand it was hurting the moral on the early shift at UPS. He became friendlier towards the part-timers. He even started to joke around, and the drivers noticed a big change in his behavior towards them. One of the keys is try to develop a relationship with the people who managers, or bosses. Get to know them personally. Ask about their families, kids, hobbies, what they do for fun. That goes a long way in making friends and respect. Communication is very important in decreasing difficult people. Here are my tips for the work place and home.

Don’t get into personal issues, like politics and religion, ex-spouses. If you feel that an argument is about to happen, then leave or change the subject, no reason to be the subject of verbal abuse. A while back, I had a person ask me what church I attended while waiting in line for placing an order at Burger King. I told him, and then he proceeded to blast my church. I learned a big lesson that day. Don’t go there!

When you deal with difficult people, trying to change the other person’s mind, will not work. They will see it as you trying to control them and the way they think. Usually, when you get into an argument, you’re just inviting someone to tell others about how defensive you are. Then people will start to be critical of you, not a good thing! They will tell others about their opinion of you and how hard it is to work with you.

If you don’t like the way your discussion is going, then let them know politely that you will not accept abusive behavior. We all have our boundaries, and why keeping them is important to us and explain why. This should resolve most conflicts with your boss or co-worker.

Most work relationships that have problems are due to personal differences between co-workers, not that one of the people is bad. Some people have different styles of work ethics. One may be by the book while others may be a fly by the seat of your pants. When you sit down and talk, most people will accept the other co-worker as long as they talk out their concerns.

When I find co-workers that are difficult to work with, I try to develop a good relationship with them. It takes time, but in most cases I will focus on their positive traits. I want to build them up, and let them know they are appreciated. When that happens I have made a new friend at work. They are easier to work with. I am sincere when I build relationships; I try to make lifetime friends.

Remember, don’t think the other co-workers negative traits don’t exist, because they will always be there. Be careful about sharing your inner most thoughts to the town crier, gossips love to share. Co-workers who don’t like you will use any ammunition to get at you. Keep secrets to yourself. If you follow this advice, you will be ahead in the long run!

Working with difficult people is hard to do; it parts friends, and causes deep wounds in the work place. If you need help in resolving differences with a boss or co-worker, you can contact Dr. Mike for assistance. Do you have someone that you need to have a better relationship at work, and don’t know how? Is there unresolved anger towards a co-worker? Do you need help in healing a broken relationship at work or at home? If there is, call Dr. Mike.

I got a call from a friend who wanted some juicy gossip about a friend of ours. I listened and was pondering how I should address this situation. He started to share very personal details about our mutual friend. I said wait a minute, how about if we just go to Bob’s house and confront him and ask him if what your sharing is true! The silence on the other end was deafening. I waited for him to respond, and had to ask him, if he was still on the phone. He stammered and said he would not do such a thing. I asked why, and he said it would be embarrassing and upset our friend.

How many of us, participate in this type of behavior? I know I have been on the receiving end of gossip. I was working at UPS on the early morning shift, when one of my friends named Greg walked up to me during our 10 minute break, and said “hey, I heard you were kicking your wife out of the house!” I said “What, where did you hear that?” He said, from Mrs. Schultz. I was shocked, she attended my church, why would she ever say that? Then a few minutes later another friend of mine, walked up to me and asked if I was kicking my wife out of the house? Again, being a Norski and slow, I asked Tom who told him that? He said Mrs. Schultz. I was now very upset and angry. I couldn’t wait to get home and call this woman.

I called my pastor and asked what he thought that I should do, he said, I should confront her, so I called her and asked why in the world would she spread gossip about my wife and I? I told her that I was not asking my wife to leave, she was leaving on her own, for personal reasons. Here is this 70 year old woman gossiping and telling lies about me and my wife, and I was shocked someone this age would do such a thing. I asked her to stop gossiping, she was angry at me for confronting her and told me in no uncertain terms, she would say whatever she wanted to! I asked her, did telling lies give her power over someone that was innocent, did it make her feel important?

I explained to her that when gossiping and telling lies to others, was like throwing a rock into a clear calm lake, that she was spreading waves of gossip that can not be taken back. The waves of gossip literally destroy and wreck people’s lives and family’s. For some folks who gossip its for revenge, for others its being in the know and sharing information validates how important they want to feel. I’m not sure where this woman was coming from, but she caused big problems for my wife and I. We are now divorced, but this situation did not help us at all.

My next step in confronting her, was face to face and I did at church, she wanted nothing to do with me nor the pastor of my church. She left the church, and started her trouble making at another place of worship. I was saddened that she has not mended her ways.

So, what is the best way to deal with someone who has you in their sights? They want to take you down, some unknowingly and others with a vengeance. My other question is, are you the source of gossip and lying? Do you enjoy fueling the fire of discontentment? How do you feel, knowingly hurting others?

Here is my way in dealing with gossip and lying. First confront with facts, who told you what and when. You can bring the person that heard the gossip as a witness to what was said. When you do talk with them ask them to quit saying things about you or a situation that they are gossiping about. Sometimes this kind of confrontation will do nothing to resolve anything, but you will get the peace knowing that you tried to resolve your differences. That in itself is worth the effort to make things right, and at least you can sleep at night knowing that you gave it your all.

Gossip parts friends, family members and causes deep wounds that can last a lifetime. If you need help in resolving family conflict or conflict between a friend or co-worker, you can contact Dr. Mike for assistance. Do you have someone that you need to confront and are afraid to, or don’t know how? Is there unresolved guilt over gossip you have caused or spread? Do you need help in healing a broken relationship?

How does Life Coaching work?
You’ll meet once a week, by phone, for a one-on-one conference, usually 45 minutes a session. In each phone conference you’ll plan and review, together, each of your “Focus Goals” and action areas. In each session, you’ll also receive support and guidance in creating the right attitudes and motivation in the area’s that you want to work on most. In addition to the weekly phone conferences, you’ll also communicate by e-mail, so you’ll have help and support throughout the week.

If you would like some help in dealing with personal issues in your life or the relationship that you’re in, you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555. If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike’s website is www.applicablecoaching.com all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today’s coaching article.

I love talking with all kinds of diverse people; professional athletes, lawyers, Doctors, politicians, movie stars, store clerks, mechanics, teachers, students, etc. I have learned a great deal from these folks.

I hear all kinds of stories and histories about peoples lives. It always amazes me when people share private details about their lives. Many of the things they talk about are the very things we struggle with. They complain about rude and pushy people, those who take advantage of people or a situation. As I listened to several of my friends share a situation they have been in and how they dealt with it, I was wondering how each of you would deal with these situations. Some of you may find that the way it was handled was right on or some of you might think that fighting and arguing is the only way to teach someone a lesson.

I have some friends that are type A aggressive type personalities and others that are laid back, take it easy type B personalities. You will see how these folks handled the problem and what type of personality they were.

One of my friends, a famous football player, was elk hunting near Montrose, Colorado. He had ridden his ATV to the spot he wanted to hunt. The climb to his stand was about 400 yards up a steep draw. He had been sitting at his stand in the dark for about 30 minutes, when he heard someone walking up to his stand in the draw below. He flashed his flashlight in the direction of the noise and saw two guys walking in his direction. They continued to walk towards him, even knowing he was hunting that draw. They set up about 50 yards down from where he was sitting. As it got lighter he could see that it looked like two guys in their 20’s were just below his stand. They were talking and laughing out loud. He walked down to where they were sitting and asked them why they were hunting in a spot he had been in. They responded by saying, it was a National Forest, and they could hunt wherever they wanted to and they were not going to move. So, how would you have handled this situation? My buddy, being a class act, just packed up and moved to another spot. He scored on a nice bull at that new spot! Would you have argued with the two guys? Would you have physically tried to move them? Most people I have asked would have argued with the two intruders.

I had another friend who was waiting in line at a fast food restaurant in a mall in Seattle, Washington. There were several people ahead of him as he waited. As he got closer to the counter, a group of Chinese cut in front of him. He tried telling them to go back to the end of the line, but there was a language barrier. How do you tell people that they have cut ahead in line? Here’s how he dealt with it. He went up to the group and cut in front of them. When they tried cutting in line again, he used physical force, by pushing them back. Others who saw this, and were cut in front from this group, helped him. So, how would you have handled this? Me, I would have gone to another restaurant in the mall.

Your neighbor has a dog that has become a problem for you. He lets it loose in the morning, and the dog proceeds to visit your front yard with..well…doing his business. You have asked the neighbor repeatedly to either pick up after his pooch or keep the dog in his own yard. The guy next door tells you he will take care of it. Yet, this keeps happening day after day! How would you deal with this issue? Do you call the police or animal control? Do you go back and confront the careless neighbor? What do you do? My friend just happened to take pictures and sent them in to animal control. He let them deal with it. Guess what, the problem stopped.

You are at a National Chain Sports Bar watching your favorite team playing on a Saturday evening. Its the second quarter, with 2 minutes left. There are 40 television screens with all kinds of different college football games on in the restaurant. All of a sudden the channel is changed on the game you are watching. You look around for your sever to ask what happened to your game. Then the restaurant manager shows up at your table and you ask him what happened to your game. He responds by saying not many people are watching your game. You shoot back by saying, several are cheering for the other team, there’s plenty of fans watching the game. He turns and looks at you and says, “I hate your team.” and then walks away! What do you do? Do you walk out? Confront the manager?

As you can see, we all deal with inconsiderate people and situations. Most people will just walk away and try to forget it. Can you do that? I have some friends who will gladly confront and fight. I have seen some very embarrassing results because their anger gets the best of them. Do you have trouble with coping skills? Do you get angry very easily?

Here are some tips on keeping yourself out of trouble. The big one is to just walk away from trouble. Keep away from those who make you angry. If you find yourself in a situation or around people who make you lose it, find some other places and different friends to hang around with. There will always be people who challenge us to keep our cool. Knowing when to leave is key. If you’re tempted to debate and argue, that’s the red flag for you! Go. Leave, and never look back. That is the key of keeping out of trouble.

If you would like some help in dealing with personal issues in your life or the relationship that you’re in, you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555. If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike’s website is www.applicablecoaching.com all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today’s coaching article. Mike is also available for speaking engagements.

Watching people lose their cool on both sides of the counter.

I received a crisis call for my immediate help in North Carolina, for a couple needing two crisis relationship Coaching sessions. “Mike, we need your help in repairing our marriage the caller asked, can you please come, we arenear a divorce and my wife wants to leave tonight?” Sure, I said, I will check with a friend to see if he can help me out with a buddy pass, and let you know when I am coming, and then hung up. I thought for a moment, did I just say that I would get a buddy pass?? Am, I out of my mind? I remembered the last time I got one, being on stand-by is a crap shoot, do you remember me saying that? You rarely connect with a flight you need to be on, and you sit around a lot waiting to have your name called to get a boarding pass. I am a people watcher and enjoy watching people interact with each other. So, I guess it was worth it for me to be on standby and observe people the around me.

So, I took the buddy pass from my friend and headed to North Carolina. On my return trip to Chicago while trying to connect on a flight to Denver, I was able to watch what 100 plus over booked passengers on one flight, will do to get on a Sunday afternoon flight to Denver. I sat back in my seat that Sunday afternoon figuring that I wouldn’t get on this flight and wanted to observe how people would react when their names were not called to board this flight to Denver. When I entered my name to the confirm/waiting list and saw my name number #6 with 22 seats available, I was feeling pretty good. As the crowd grew at the boarding gate an hour prior to my flight, my number #6 listing began to drop, I was now at #33. People were whispering and complaining, how could this airline over book so many people on one flight? When I looked up at the stand-by list 15 minutes later, I was now # 68 with 10 seats available. The crowd grew larger by the minute, and the complaining was getting very vocal. I sat and watched people checking their watches from time to time, looking at loved ones with frowns on their faces, rubbing their foreheads, and giving long sighs while looking at the ceiling. You could hear the ticket agent asking for names of passengers over the intercom to come forward to confirm their status. I looked again at the stand-by list, I was now #93 with 4 seats available. I laughed silently to myself and knew that I was staying at O’Hare airport until there was room for me on any flight to Denver. I overheard one couple arguing that they were going to miss a big birthday bash in Denver, while another wanted to get some rest before going back to work, they just returned back from vacation. The ticket agent continued to ask for passengers to come forward to check in. I again looked at the stand-by list, it was now at 107 people.

One of the ticket agents started to call First class passengers in a muffled voice over the intercom to get in line for boarding. Several quickly got up and started to get in line, many dressed in executive suits, many elderly, and some plain folks just like you and I. As they began to board first class, some people tried cutting in line and got caught with a economy boarding pass, and were turned away. This is where it got very interesting. I watched the faces of those with first class tickets, many smirked and laughed out loud, as the unwanted passenger walked away. They acted as if it was a class privilege to make facial expressions and giggle about someone being asked to leave the first class boarding line.

Me, I could care less who sits where, first class has some perks, but most in first class seldom will talk with you, unless they got a free first class seat, and didn’t realize that any seat in first class is sacred possession. I have noticed this over the past several months of traveling. I sat next to one guy in first class several weeks ago, I introduced myself and he turned his head away and sat back, and never said a word.

The flight to Denver took off with 103 stand-by’s waiting at the gate..many stunned, and now the war began between ticket agents and passengers headed to Denver. We were told to go to gate B-19 and wait until 5:45 PM for the next flight. I arrived at the gate after a twenty minute walk and was amazed that there was standing room only, not a seat available, I recognized several passengers that were at the other gate. I looked at the stand by list and saw that I was #77 on the list with 15 seats available. Not a good sign for me. The plane was to board in one hour, now the tension began to grow and people were getting upset. I went to the ticket agent to report in, and waited in line. The passengers ahead of me and the ticket agents were starting to trade barbs with each other.

I was shocked to hear two ticket agents, blasting passengers with cutting sarcastic remarks. The passengers on the other hand were provoking the ticket agents with unrelenting attacks towards the airlines and insensitive  employees behind the ticket counter. The ticket agents and the passengers fueled off of each other and went to low blows before the plane boarded. The flight to Denver had taken off with 100+stand-by’s told to head to the next gate on Concourse C. This flight left for Denver at 10:10 PM.

Someone must have warned the three ticket agents that the crowd headed to Denver were not to be taken lightly. I think this airline beefed up thick skinned ticket agents who would love to trade insult for insult, and by golly they did. Whack for whack, attack for attack. It was pretty bad, I have to say, no calm in the midst of the storm for sure. I wondered whatever happened to customer service, when did that disappear? I can remember when people bent over backwards to help you out if you did business with them. Do you remember the days when service with a smile greeted you at a Sears, Montgomery Wards, or at your favorite local family restaurant. Well my friends, I think for the most part these days are long gone.

So, how do you deal with someone who could careless about you as a customer and is serving you at a store or restaurant? Do you engage in verbal combat, and try to get even or deal with them in an adult manner? I know some adults who would welcome debating, arguing and proving their case and put down anyone who disagrees with them, and I am sure you do as well.

My suggestion is not to argue with clerks, wait-staff or anyone in a management position, just state your case, the reason you are upset, no raising your voice, no finger pointing, be calm and ask what they can do to accommodate your inconvenience. Some will work with you and give you a price break, free meal, others will blow you off. A soft answer will turn away someone with a chip on their shoulder. If you get no satisfaction, then write a formal letter and be done with it. So many want to carry the battle on, until they win. Folks, its not worth the battle or waste of energy to pursue something that will go nowhere. If there was bodily harm, food borne illness, a fall, etc. Then proceed by all means. If you don’t get any satisfaction or results from your letter, then stop going to the place that you patronize and were offended, and find another place.

I finally flew out the next morning at 9:00 AM, very tired but so much the wiser for watching people in difficult situations. Watch, listen and enjoy watching those around you, they will teach you plenty.

I was talking with a woman a while back who said that she hated to have any confrontation whatsoever. I can tell you most people that I talk with are in the same boat as this woman. They will avoid it, at all costs, even if it ruins a relationship. Can confrontation be a good thing? It can if you have a game plan, knowing what to say and when to hold your tongue is key. Most confrontations when done properly can settle disputes, and disagreements. Do you know when to back off when things are getting out of hand? I deal with conflict resolution coaching a great deal these days. The way things are handled at home, at the office, or with friendships are important. Many will throw away a lifetime relationship simply out of fear (they see confrontation as an end not a means of healing and fixing) most relationships can be saved and repaired. Misunderstanding are one of the biggest issues that destroy a good relationship. Sitting down and hammering out a conflict isn’t that hard. Compromise is a big component in proper confrontation. If you need help in setting up a confrontation session, contact me. For those of you who are successful at confrontation, let us know some of your secrets….