When a brother betrays you!

I had a great friend of mine betray me. I was hurt beyond measure. I lost sleep over the matter, and lost a wonderful friendship as well. I shared great confidences with this guy. I poured out my heart to him, as he did with me. I was in my 30’s and enjoying my life. Things were good and life never seemed better, until……

I was dating one woman who I wasn’t sure about. We hit it off, she enjoyed just about everything I did. We hiked, rode bikes, enjoy photography, went to concerts, even liked cooking together. We went out for several months, and my friend never had dates, he was kind of a loner. I was sharing with him about maybe wanting to date other women. He listened to my thoughts, and we talked about why I was feeling the way I did. I told him that the woman I was dating was wonderful, but something was missing. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. I told him that I was going to talk with her and see if we could talk about my feelings and her feelings.

Two days later I received a phone call from her wanting to have a meeting with me. I picked her up and she was very quiet on the drive to a restaurant we enjoyed going to. We were seated and ordered our drinks and meal. She said that she called this meeting because she heard that I wanted to date other women. I knew instantly that my friend talked with her and told her about our conversation. I was shocked that he would do such a thing! We talked and she was hurt. We agreed just to move on and date others.

Once I got home I called my friend and confronted him on the phone. He first denied my accusation, then broke down and told me he called her behind my back. He wasn’t sorry, just angry he got caught. I had a decision to make, what should I do with someone who betrayed my confidence? When you trust someone with matters of the heart, you are being vulnerable. I ended the friendship, and felt that I learned a valuable lesson. Say less, listen more. Many people will trust friends with all their secrets, and for most people this is not a problem. Over time you know when you can trust someone that has your best interests at heart. I have many clients who have shared that they have been betrayed and hurt with broken confidences. I have a saying, “whatever is whispered in secret, will be shouted from the rooftop”. I know some folks that if they can find someone that will listen, they will poor their hearts out openly and without a second thought. Sharing details that can destroy so many lives. Be extremely careful in what you tell others, expect what you say to be shared with others. If your someone who reveals secrets and betrays someone’s confidence, then you need to stop, here are some thoughts on how you can stop!

Ask yourself why
The first order of business is to ask yourself why you reveal secrets. Does it make you feel important or superior in some way? Does it make you feel like you have the inside scoop? Knowing your motivation can help you get a better grasp on the problem.

Consider the consequences.
Before revealing the next secret entrusted to you, consider the potential consequences. You could lose a good friend who trusted you. Is it really worth paying that high of a price? Certainly a friendship is more important than the satisfaction of gossiping.

Reward yourself for staying mum.
If you want to stop telling secrets, give yourself a reward every time you refrain from dishing the dirt on someone. Celebrate with a cappuccino or a pedicure. Pretty soon you’ll break the habit.

Realize that you’ll eventually be “found out”.
You may get by with revealing a secret one time, but it will eventually catch up with you. The person you tell will tell someone else and it will turn into hot gossip eventually getting back to the person who told you. Is it really worth it?

Put yourself in the other person’s place.
Before telling secret that someone relayed to you in confidence, put yourself in the other person’s place. How would you feel? Top stop telling secrets, show respect and empathy for the other person.

If you would like some help in dealing with personal issues in your life or the relationship that you’re in, you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555. If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike’s website is www.applicablecoaching.com all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today’s coaching article. Mike is also available for speaking engagements.

I love Christmas, the memories, the smells, the fun associated with it. My dad was a great outdoor enthusiast, I have never seen a better walleye fisherman then him. He had 50 plus years of fishing for walleyes in Minnesota. His tackle box had lures from the 30’s and 40’s. His tackle box was a history of fishing in the great state of Minnesota. My dad loved Christmas, he enjoyed decorating the Christmas tree, putting lights up on the trees outside, and hanging lights on the windows, this made him the happiest.

I got a call from a friend of mine who was going through some tough times. He was wishing for the yesteryears that many of us dream about. The do overs, the “what was I thinking” thoughts. We all have done it. As I hung up the phone, I sat back and shut my eyes and started to day dream about my past.

If I could, I would love to tell my dad and mom how much I really love them and was thankful for the love they showed me. I would sit down with them and share how much of a difference they made in my life. I never really shared my feelings with anyone growing up. We never did that in my home. I have a written note from my dad, that is framed, saying “I love you Mike”. That is a priceless note from my dad.

I would tell people who I can name, without hesitation, how much they impacted me with their unconditional love, compassion, understanding, and guidance. They come from all walks of life. Many are teachers, pastors, friends, or their parents. This is one long list.

My do overs list is long as well. I have chosen the path that I am now on, but with God’s help. He gets all the credit for protecting me, and directing my life. As I look back at my do overs list, I would have to say that telling people how much I love and care for them would have gone a long way to encouraging them during their life’s struggles.

One of my big do overs, would have been in a more active role in getting my mother to stop her drinking. With what I know now, and with the information I have, could have gone a long way in helping her quit. I have had many people that I know say they feel the same way about their loved ones. Drinking has ruined many a family.

I look back at my childhood and what would I change? Nothing. I had it pretty good looking back. How many of you look back at your childhood and reminisce on how good you had it? As a kid, I couldn’t wait to grow up. As an adult, I wish for the good old days. Seems to be a struggle for many of us. You had really no responsibilities, except for a few chores. Mine was making my bed, which I didn’t mind at all. I got to read all the books I wanted to. I could play outside with my friends, baseball, tag, riding bikes, skateboarding, be at the park all day. That was living for most of us.

Then in high school, you had sports, basketball games to go to with your friends. Going to fast food restaurants, going to pizza joints with a bunch of people you would hang out with. Life was good for most of us. Then there are the regrets. The things I should have said but didn’t. The actions I should have taken, but failed to. The gentle hugs and touches strangers needed. The smiles and grins that would have encouraged someone hurting. Those are the things that I miss and wish I could redo in my life. I remember many people who could have benefited from the simple things I could have given them. I know life is short and now, I give the simple do-overs, without any reservation. Its a hurting world my friends. Let’s work on encouraging others with our words, smiles, and hugs.

Would you like a redo in your past? What are the things you would like to change? Would you like to see kindness and encouragement back in your life? Would you like to make a difference in your circle of friends?

So, how does the life and relationship coaching work over the phone? We will meet once a week, by phone, for a one on one conference, usually 45 minutes to an hour a session. In each phone conference we’ll plan and review, together, each of your “focus goals” and action areas. In each session, you’ll also receive support and guidance in creating the right attitudes and motivation in the areas that you want to work on most. Its very simple, and your privacy is protected at all times.
If you would like some help in dealing with personal issues in your life or the relationship that you’re in, you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555. If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike’s website is www.applicablecoaching.com all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today’s coaching article. Mike is also available for speaking engagements.

I was watching the little league world series a few weeks ago. The kids were great athletes and wanted to win at all costs. Great baseball is fun to watch, and watching these kids made me proud of how they played and conducted themselves.

The kids had great coaches, great fans and supportive parents and families. So, why do non-athletic kids in little league quit baseball? Is it bad coaches? Why do people quit their jobs? Is it bad bosses or bad employees? Why do people quit on their marriages? Is it an affair, or being unloved? Why do people throw in the towel about college? Is it a bad college, or they can’t get the money to go to college? Why do people give up on getting a better position at work? Is it because you have to better yourself with education?

I get a lot of calls from people who just want to lay down and give up. They have been beaten down in life. There is no one to encourage them in their daily struggles. It happens in relationships, at work, and in school. It happens everyday, to all of us! At one time or another we have faced wanting to quit at something during our lifetime.

I was a shy kid growing up. I think all the moving we did took its toll on me. We were always going to new schools, meeting new people, living on different army bases, and making new friends. It was hard on me. I couldn’t speak in public because of my shyness. Somehow I managed to get out of speech in high school. When I went to college, I saw that I had to have a speech class. My advisor in college signed me up for speech. I went to the first class, and knew I was in serious trouble. She told us how many speeches we would have to give. It was way too many for me. So, I went to my speech teacher’s office, and let her know that I was dropping her class and probably out of college. I had that much fear of public speaking! She said that she would help me out and knew how fearful public speaking was to me. I was to give her a speech every other week to her in her office. I would receive a D for the course. I agreed to that. I give her total credit for me staying in college. I wanted to quit, and she wouldn’t let me. I had someone who believed in me, when I didn’t believe in myself.

Quitting is the easy way out. Nothing gets resolved and it will continue to be a pattern until you deal with it. How many times have you realized that quitting leads to unresolved conflict and guilt within yourself? You get used to saying when you’re a quitter, “Oh boy,..here we go again, I shouldn’t have signed up for this, I can’t do it!”, “I can start another project, this is too hard.”, “I didn’t realize this would be so hard or take so long, I am quitting!”, “Who cares if I quit, it doesn’t matter to anyone.”.

What have been your excuses in quitting? I have had mine and I am sure that several of you have your own excuses. As an adult, I hear more and more hopelessness in young adults. They don’t have role models that keep them on track. They don’t have role models who keep them dreaming or help them live Their visions or passions. I didn’t have that growing up. I had to work hard and believe in myself once out of college. I did have a drive that made me be creative, and it paid off in several endeavors. There is no reason you should quit without a good reason. If its just to take the easy way out, then its wrong! I can help you gain confidence and overcome the quitters attitude.

Do you want to break the pattern of quitting? Do you need help in overcoming the quitter habit? Are you facing a situation that seems hopeless or to difficult and you want to quit? Is quitting a way of life for you? If you answered yes to any of these questions and want help you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555

You may ask, “How does the life and relationship coaching work over the phone?” We will meet once a week, by phone, for a one on one conference, usually 45 minutes to an hour a session. In each phone conference we’ll plan and review, together, each of your “focus goals” and action areas. In each session, you’ll also receive support and guidance in creating the right attitudes and motivation in the areas that you want to work on most. Its very simple, and your privacy is protected at all times.

If you would like some help in dealing with personal issues in your life or the relationship that you’re in, you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555. If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike’s website is www.applicablecoaching.com all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today’s coaching article. Mike is also available for speaking engagements.

How many men watch television, read the paper, or talk on the phone while their wives carry on a conversation with them, not realizing that not a single word was ever heard? I am guilty, as many of you men are as well. Letss look at why men and women don’t communicate very well.

First of all, we men are able to focus usually on one thing. It might be the television, or the newspaper. For someone to start talking and asking questions, is a no win for any husband or partner for that matter. I know several women who would just rather talk to the dog before they talk with their husbands. The dog will at least look at you when your speaking to it!

I had one woman in my office who was upset that her and her husband haven’t had any beneficial communication in years. “What did you talk about when you sat across from each other?” I asked. “We talk about our children, jobs, very little personal exchanges about our families or how we were feeling about each other.”

I then asked her, “Do you have a time planned that you can sit down with your husband and talk?” She answered, “No, we never sit down and talk.” “How would you like to engage in a fulfilling conversation?” I asked. She responded, “Can we set up an appointment so you can show us how to talk to each other?” “Sure!” I said. Building communication isn’t all that hard. It’s making sure that you have the tools to make it happen. Practice is very important, and if you don’t work at it, then you will not grow a healthy marriage or relationship.

Some men feel threatened when you want to have a face to face talk with them. The squared off position is like a stance for battle for some guys. Women don’t feel threatened at all by sitting and looking at each other when talking. They do it all the time when talking with each other. On the other hand, men will wonder if a date on the calendar means that’s when they will get blasted, or an argument will happen! Here are a few reasons why men have problems listening to women, these remarks are men clients!

1. Women talk too much.
Often women have so much to say that the pertinent facts get lost in the intricacies of the story. If a man has to listen to his wife intersperse what’s for dinner, with that cute top she saw at a store, how her sister is expecting a baby and she had a lousy day at work, he’s pretty unsure by the end of the first sentence, what hit him.

According to recent researches, women speak three times more than men. A woman says about 20 thousand words per day, so you can see why men don’t communicate as well as women. That’s OK, we men need to learn how to speak, listen and communicate better and that’s a fact.

2 Men have heard it all before.

Sometimes men think there’s nothing new they have to hear and automatically tune off mid-sentence. According to them, it’s just old wine in a new bottle.

3. Women complain and nag too much.

One of the most common complaints men have is that their partners continue to nag them. And since they’re used to the general trend of it, they don’t think there’s anything different about what they’re hearing.

4. Men don’t like to be controlled.

Men feel that if they listen to a woman in terms of following her instructions, it’s a sign that they are putty in her hands and that she’ll take undue advantage of the situation. Once he gives in to her demands, he’ll be the equivalent of a puppet on a string.

5. There are more serious matters to talk about!

If a woman is incessantly babbling in the background and a man is doing something far more important, at least to him, like watching a football game, the last thing he wants to do is turn off the television and tune in to his partner.

6. Some men have a short attention span.

Often, men cannot keep their focus on what a woman is saying for too long. They rarely have the patience to give women a listening ear for more than a certain amount of time, which is normally about 15 minutes at the most.

7. The topic is of little interest to them.

And then, of course, if she insists on raving about the designer watch her boss’ wife was sporting, or the chandelier earrings her friend’s rich boyfriend surprised her with, that’s really not something a man is interested in hearing.

Here are simple ways to communicate better with your husband or partner. You don’t necessarily have to square off for every talk that you have. You can do a project together, like painting a room, taking a walk and talking to each other while on your walk. Go to a movie and after the movie go out have a late dinner and talk about the movie. Take a ride out in the country, and talk as you drive and look at the scenery. The point that I am trying to make, is do things together that will enhance having fun and enjoyable communications.

Have you asked yourself these questions lately? Do you wish you could communicate better with your husband/partner? Are you afraid of deep committed conversation? Do you need better tools in the art of communication with your husband? Are you ready to take the next step and learn how to communicate with your husband? If you answered yes to any of these questions and would like some help, you can call and set up an appointment on the phone with Dr. Mike. You may ask, “How does the life and relationship coaching work over the phone?”
We will meet once a week, by phone, for a one on one conference, usually 45 minutes to an hour a session. In each phone conference we’ll plan and review, together, each of your “focus goals” and action areas. In each session, you’ll also receive support and guidance in creating the right attitudes and motivation in the areas that you want to work on most. Its very simple, and your privacy is protected at all times.

If you would like some help in dealing with personal issues in your life or the relationship that you’re in, you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555. If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike’s website is www.applicablecoaching.com all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today’s coaching article. Mike is also available for speaking engagements.

I love talking with all kinds of diverse people; professional athletes, lawyers, Doctors, politicians, movie stars, store clerks, mechanics, teachers, students, etc. I have learned a great deal from these folks.

I hear all kinds of stories and histories about peoples lives. It always amazes me when people share private details about their lives. Many of the things they talk about are the very things we struggle with. They complain about rude and pushy people, those who take advantage of people or a situation. As I listened to several of my friends share a situation they have been in and how they dealt with it, I was wondering how each of you would deal with these situations. Some of you may find that the way it was handled was right on or some of you might think that fighting and arguing is the only way to teach someone a lesson.

I have some friends that are type A aggressive type personalities and others that are laid back, take it easy type B personalities. You will see how these folks handled the problem and what type of personality they were.

One of my friends, a famous football player, was elk hunting near Montrose, Colorado. He had ridden his ATV to the spot he wanted to hunt. The climb to his stand was about 400 yards up a steep draw. He had been sitting at his stand in the dark for about 30 minutes, when he heard someone walking up to his stand in the draw below. He flashed his flashlight in the direction of the noise and saw two guys walking in his direction. They continued to walk towards him, even knowing he was hunting that draw. They set up about 50 yards down from where he was sitting. As it got lighter he could see that it looked like two guys in their 20’s were just below his stand. They were talking and laughing out loud. He walked down to where they were sitting and asked them why they were hunting in a spot he had been in. They responded by saying, it was a National Forest, and they could hunt wherever they wanted to and they were not going to move. So, how would you have handled this situation? My buddy, being a class act, just packed up and moved to another spot. He scored on a nice bull at that new spot! Would you have argued with the two guys? Would you have physically tried to move them? Most people I have asked would have argued with the two intruders.

I had another friend who was waiting in line at a fast food restaurant in a mall in Seattle, Washington. There were several people ahead of him as he waited. As he got closer to the counter, a group of Chinese cut in front of him. He tried telling them to go back to the end of the line, but there was a language barrier. How do you tell people that they have cut ahead in line? Here’s how he dealt with it. He went up to the group and cut in front of them. When they tried cutting in line again, he used physical force, by pushing them back. Others who saw this, and were cut in front from this group, helped him. So, how would you have handled this? Me, I would have gone to another restaurant in the mall.

Your neighbor has a dog that has become a problem for you. He lets it loose in the morning, and the dog proceeds to visit your front yard with..well…doing his business. You have asked the neighbor repeatedly to either pick up after his pooch or keep the dog in his own yard. The guy next door tells you he will take care of it. Yet, this keeps happening day after day! How would you deal with this issue? Do you call the police or animal control? Do you go back and confront the careless neighbor? What do you do? My friend just happened to take pictures and sent them in to animal control. He let them deal with it. Guess what, the problem stopped.

You are at a National Chain Sports Bar watching your favorite team playing on a Saturday evening. Its the second quarter, with 2 minutes left. There are 40 television screens with all kinds of different college football games on in the restaurant. All of a sudden the channel is changed on the game you are watching. You look around for your sever to ask what happened to your game. Then the restaurant manager shows up at your table and you ask him what happened to your game. He responds by saying not many people are watching your game. You shoot back by saying, several are cheering for the other team, there’s plenty of fans watching the game. He turns and looks at you and says, “I hate your team.” and then walks away! What do you do? Do you walk out? Confront the manager?

As you can see, we all deal with inconsiderate people and situations. Most people will just walk away and try to forget it. Can you do that? I have some friends who will gladly confront and fight. I have seen some very embarrassing results because their anger gets the best of them. Do you have trouble with coping skills? Do you get angry very easily?

Here are some tips on keeping yourself out of trouble. The big one is to just walk away from trouble. Keep away from those who make you angry. If you find yourself in a situation or around people who make you lose it, find some other places and different friends to hang around with. There will always be people who challenge us to keep our cool. Knowing when to leave is key. If you’re tempted to debate and argue, that’s the red flag for you! Go. Leave, and never look back. That is the key of keeping out of trouble.

If you would like some help in dealing with personal issues in your life or the relationship that you’re in, you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555. If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike’s website is www.applicablecoaching.com all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today’s coaching article. Mike is also available for speaking engagements.

Are you hurting from a sting of pain from the source of gossip?

You’re with a friend, and somehow you start talking about a mutual friend who has hurt both of you in some way. It makes you both upset when you both talk about the hurt you both have had from this mutual friend. So, you begin to unload about this person. You feel so much better by sharing very personal details shared with you. You hold nothing back, you let it rip! You blast your feelings with everyone that will listen. In your conversation you tell your friends to keep what you have said between the two of you. You feel so much better getting things off your chest about this friend of yours. Have you ever done this to a friend of yours?

My daughter and I were talking a while back. She was sharing some things about one of her friends. I told her to be very careful what she said about other friends. I said “Whatever is whispered in secret, will be shouted from the roof top.”. She aked, “What does that mean Dad?” I told her, “When you talk about your friends to other people, it will get back to them. So say honest and good things about them. Once you start blasting your friends and they find out, you better watch out. You will be on your own, and it will get around that you lie and gossip about others. You don’t want that said about you, do you?” She said, “No.” and it was dropped. When she was in her early 20’s she reminded me about that talk, and how it impacted her. It has kept her out of trouble. She has seen what gossip has done to some of her friends.

The sting of gossip can cause a lifetime of hurts for some folks and hateful, bitter memories for others. We all have been on the receiving end of gossip. What memories does that bring up for you? Now, if you were the person who gossiped, do you care what you said about the other person? You probably don’t even remember what you said that hurt someone. Listen, most of us have said things about someone we wish we could take back. I sure do!

Have you seen the gossip magazines that are sold at your local grocers? The headlines are grabbers for sure, but most of them lie just to get you to buy the magazine. I look at the headlines on most magazines as I check out, and have to laugh to myself. Does anybody really buy this stuff? I’m sure they do, but not this man!

How many marriages, business relationships, and family relationships have been destroyed by someone’s gossip? Care to guess? I honestly have no clue. But dare I say, the numbers would be shocking!

How many rumors have you heard that had no truth in them whatsoever? Someone started to gossip and ran with it, not having a clue to who they were destroying or what the consequences would be. So where does gossip happen? It can happen at school, work, home, even at church.

How should we handle gossip when we find out who is gossiping? This is a great question. There are so many ways to deal with it, but it has to be done in a proper and tactful way.

Choose a time when you have calmed down so you can face the person spreading the hurtful gossip about you. Specifically, ask them why they betrayed your trust. Discuss the circumstances with them. You will have less resentment facing the issue head-on. Don’t dance with your questions, get to the point.

Make a decision as to whether or not to keep the person that betrayed you, in your life. Write down the reasons you would want to keep contact with that person. Have they betrayed you before? Are they generally a trusting friend who made this one-time misjudgment? If not, then move on.

Hold your head high. Defending your reputation won’t solve the problems of hurtful gossip. It will only draw attention to the nasty rumors being spread. Walk proud and ignore those that are judging you. This is advice you need to follow. So much energy can go into defending yourself, it isn’t worth it.

Wait for time to pass. People who gossip will find someone else to talk about. Your situation will be long forgotten when someone or something new arises to be gossiped about.

Set an example. It’s hard to spread hurtful gossip about someone, when the person being talked about doesn’t behave in the manner that is being rumored. The people that gossip will look like idiots because no-one is going to believe them. Behave and live as good as you can and the idle hurtful gossip will pass faster.

Rise above gossip. Don’t allow idle gossip to define who you are. The rumors may hurt, but the rumors aren’t who you really are.

Ask yourself these questions: Do you still hurt over past remarks someone has said about you? Do you still feel bitter that someone lied about you? Are you having a hard time moving on with your life because of gossip? Do you want to know how to get over the hurt of gossip so you can move on with your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions, Dr. Mike can help you. All you have to do is call him and set up a coaching appointment over the phone. You may ask, “How does the life and relationship coaching work over the phone?”
We will meet once a week, by phone, for a one on one conference that lasts usually 45 minutes to an hour eacg session. In each phone conference we’ll plan and review, together, each of your “focus goals” and action areas. In each session, you’ll also receive support and guidance in creating the right attitudes and motivation in the areas that you want to work on most. Its very simple, and your privacy is protected at all times.

If you would like some help in dealing with personal issues in your life or the relationship that you’re in, you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555. If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike’s website is www.applicablecoaching.com all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today’s coaching article. Mike is also available for speaking engagements.