The Blame Game by Dr. Michael Brooks

I was sitting in a perfect spot to watch the Rockies and Minnesota Twins baseball game. The sun was starting to set in the west and it was in the 80’s. I had a great view of the entire field. I was in the upper deck at Coors Field. I was listening to the people around me talk. I was overhearing people talk about their kids, and others talk about their plans for the summer. The smell of popcorn, cotton candy and brats was getting to be too much for me. What guy wouldn’t like a few brats and a 7-up? The smells of the brats were making my mouth water, so I decided to get up and walk to the food court.

I saw all kinds of attire at the game. My team, the Minnesota Twins, happened to be playing an inter-league game against the Colorado Rockies. So, I looked at several of the Minnesota fans wearing Twins jerseys and ball caps. I said,”Hi.” to the Twins fans as I walked toward the food court. The atmosphere at Coors field was exciting. We were about 30 minutes before the start of the game. I got to talk with several Twins fans visiting from Minnesota. We talked about the Vikings, the Wild, the Timberwolves and the University of Minnesota football and basketball programs. I was really excited to hear about my teams back home.

I ordered my brats and headed back to my seat in the upper deck. I sat down, got comfortable, and ate my brats while taking in the entire view of the field and players warming up. I could hear other fans and my friends laughing and having a great time while I was watching the sun setting in the west.

Life can be like a baseball game. Many tough decisions have to be made. Who do you have pitch against your opponents? What game plan will you use? What batters will you put in to face the opposing pitcher? There are lots of tactics that are implemented in winning a baseball game. That’s why managers and coaches make the big bucks by putting a winning team on the field. There is a lot of work that goes on behind the scenes in baseball. Coaches and managers are always sitting down with their players and talking about their needs both on and off the field. They care about their players.

Then you have players who are all about themselves; self-centered, in trouble with owners, managers, coaches and fellow players. They think about money, fame, and glory. They have been spoiled by parents, relatives and some college coaches. You read about them in the newspapers, see them on the local television, or on ESPN. Their life seems to spiral out of control, with nowhere to turn. To make matters worse, they start defending themselves in the print media, and on television. They start to blame others for their actions. That’s when the public starts to unload on the million dollar athletes that are cry babies. Can you think of a few very high profile athletes, who have been in trouble lately? Barry Bonds ring a bell? How about Kobe Bryant? There is a long list of highly paid athletes that have been in trouble with team owners and the law. Their attitudes get them into trouble with people, and their fans are sick of it. They get booed at home and away games. It’s really sad to see some careers come to an end this way.

Are you someone that is getting into trouble with your boss, family, and friends? Do people say that you’re out of control, and that you need to talk to someone who can help you keep out of trouble? Here are some tips that can help you keep your foot out of your mouth:

1. If you have messed up, admit it. Don’t blame others for your stupid actions. Why prolong the pain of the blame game? People will respect you when you admit fault. Do you remember a time when a friend lied to you about a situation and you knew the truth? Yet, they continued to lie and you were angry about the denial game? Again, if you messed up, admit it. Your friends and family will forgive you if you admit it on the spot and don’t let time pass. When time passes, it festers and becomes ugly.

2. Don’t drag others into your blame game. This could be your undoing and will get you into lots of trouble. You could get into legal trouble, or lose some wonderful friends and acquaintances. So, if your tempted, don’t!

3. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Talk to a trusted friend and admit you’re struggling with some issues. Be open and honest. Make sure the person that you are confiding in is someone you can trust. If the person is a known gossip, stay clear and beware!

4. Start planning on how to react in all situations. If you like to brag, don’t! People don’t like to hear others talk about themselves and the great feats they have done during their lifetime. So, know what you need to do when you feel certain actions are coming into play. A silent man looks smart, a fool opens his mouth when not asked.

The phone rang at 3:47 PM. On the other end was a woman sobbing. She told me she was going to kill herself. She wanted to die. She had lost everything she owned; she lost her husband to another woman, she was losing her house to the IRS, she was losing her health, and she had no job. As I listened to her cry for help, I couldn’t but help feel some of this woman’s pain. She was in trouble and felt she had nothing to live for. The sad thing, she was only 47 years old, and she was at the end of her rope.

How many times have we come to our wits end, and had no clue what to do? We stood and looked at our situation and thought, “What am I going to do?” You may have just received a bill in the mail that was much higher then you thought it would be. You have to decide to pay the rent, or pay the bill. Your car breaks down and you don’t have enough to get it repaired. You get a call that you are needed back home to take care of an aging parent. These are just a few examples of what some of us are going through. So, what do you do? Do you stare into the headlights and let your problem run rough shod over you, or do you take the problem by the horn and deal with it?

I was working at UPS part-time while putting myself through college. I was on the early shift, 3:30 AM, unloading 40 foot trailers. The job was backbreaking work. The trailers were in the 100’s during  summer months and severely cold during the winter months. After work I would race home, eat, shower, and head to the University of Wisconsin for my classes. The drive was an hour away. I would barley make it to class on good days, and was often late during bad weather drives.

My old truck was having some problems and at times had a mind of its own. I needed a new vehicle that was dependable and not waiting to break down. I knew that I couldn’t afford very much. I was in a bad position financially as a college student. I went to look at a new Jeep CJ-7 at a local car dealership. The price was great, and the trade-in for my fickle truck was very generous. I listened to the car salesman as he was making the deal of a lifetime. I was told his boss never allowed any deal such as this to happen. Then the salesman asked, “Do you want this Jeep?” I looked at the vehicle parked outside the large picture window, then at the salesman. The brown Jeep with the white hardtop seemed to be calling me. The salesman said, “This baby will not break down. Its built to last! Chrysler has a great warranty program, and it will not be on the lot very long.” I was squirming all over the place. “Can I afford this?” I asked myself in silence. Yet, in my human voice I asked the salesman, “Is this the best you can do?” He said, “Wait a minute, I’ll check.” and left. He came back with a new deal. It was even lower than the last offer he proposed. I had to make my decision now. I didn’t want to lose this deal. So, I looked out the picture window at my Jeep.

“OK,” I said hesitantly, “its a deal.” and we shook hands. He said, “I’ll get the paper work started and you can take your Jeep home today.” I slowly sat down and thought to myself, “I need this Jeep for getting to work, and especially driving to school. It will get me through bad storms and blizzards. Its a good hunting vehicle, and it’s safe. It has 4-wheel drive; just think of the major snow storms I can drive through without worrying it will break down!” I had lots of reasons to get a new Jeep. Then the guilt started to get in the way. My joy for owning a new jeep turned to real concerns, like the payments, insurance, and where the extra money would come from.

We have all been there, right? We can talk ourselves into what we really really want, as opposed to focusing on the real hard facts of what we need. Could I have bought a used Jeep? Absolutely! Without question. Did I do the homework of looking in the newspaper to see if anything was available in a price range that I could afford? No, I didn’t. This is where we get into trouble with our finances. We put ourselves into all kinds of troubles because we don’t have a game plan, we don’t do our homework. We don’t ask for help from others who are in a position to help us. If you get a call that your aging parents need help, then talk to someone who can help you. Do the research and follow through with getting enough information to make a sound decision about your parents. We make life so complicated at times, and we don’t have to.

So, here are some tips to help you make some wise and solid decisions to keep you out of trouble.

1. Before you buy, is your purchase out of a desire or a need? Look at your checking account and see if you can afford it. If not, walk away. You don’t want to go into debt and ruin your credit just because you want something you cannot afford. Talk to your banker, he will give you the real hard facts. Talk to a financial planner. He can help you figure out how to save up for your purchase. Get opinions from professionals and not your friends. Friends will usually talk you into buying something you cannot afford.

2. If you are overwhelmed by circumstances like relationships, then you need to figure out what in the relationship is causing your problems. Are you in bad relationship that needs to end because you don’t feel like you can connect, or that there is too much stress? Then talk to someone who can help you look at all the pros and cons about staying in the relationship. If you have someone who has no connections to the person you have a relationship with, then they can give you non-biased advice.

3. If you just don’t know what to do with your life, and you want to make some major changes, but need help in putting your thoughts on paper and talking about them, find someone who can help you look at all the options in a clear and concise way.

“Do unto others as you’d have them do unto to you”

I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, in fact I woke up several times during the night. I think we all have nights like that, staring at the digital clock across the room, forcing yourself to sleep. I flung the covers across the bed andlooked at the clock. It read that it was 4:38 AM. I got dressed knowing I was going down to the dreaded treadmill. I put both my dress shoes and walking shoes next to each other under the bed the night before. I just slip them on in the dark and head downstairs. I turn on the news, program my walk, and away I go. Its a habit that I have done for a few years.

I was enjoying the news and getting the weather. I was having a great day of walking. I felt good and didn’t even notice how fast the time was going. My treadmill shut down after 30 minutes, and I was ready for the day. I walked into my office, turned on the lights, and went to pour some hot water for my green tea. As I looked down at my feet, I noticed that I had slipped on two different shoes. One was my white walking shoe, and the other one was my brown dress shoe. I stared in disbelief. How in the world did I do that? Listen folks, I am very aware of my surroundings, but this was very embarrassing! I had never done anything like this in my life.

Both shoes were very comfortable and fit well, but in the dark, I couldn’t tell each one from the other. Have any of you ever done this? I kind of doubt that you have, but it sure was funny to me. I wouldn’t dare go out in public wearing two different shoes nor would you.

My point is sometimes we don’t notice when things are wrong. We find out very quickly when someone points our mistakes out to us. How do we deal with it? It can be very embarrassing for the one telling us that something is out of whack. I can remember ordering a cheese burger at McDonalds. The guy who was taking my order had his zipper wide open. I was wondering how I would tell him. There was a big line behind me and I knew someone would embarrass this kid by laughing at him or saying something hurtful. So, I leaned over and said, “Excuse me, just wanted to let you know that your zipper is open.” He quickly turned away and said “Thank you”. He was red faced and slightly uncomfortable.

I know how embarrassing it can be when someone points out your zipper being open. My brother Bob had taken a friend of mine and myself to see the Indy 500 time trials. We went into gas station to get some sodas, chips and other snacks. As I was standing in line, I was 16 years old at this time, and Bob says out loud where everyone could hear him, “Hey Mike, what do airplanes do?” I looked at him puzzled and said, “What?” Again he asked even louder, “What do airplanes do?” “What are you talking about?” I asked. Now he had everybody looking and listening to every word he said. Again he asked, “What do airplanes do? ” I said, “WHAT”? He said very loudly, “They fly; and yours is wide open!” I had no where to turn. I had people surrounding me from all sides looking and staring. My face turned a bright red, I was humiliated beyond measure. I zipped up my zipper, and got out of the gas station, pronto.

Do you have trouble  helping others in difficult circumstances? Most of us would have smiled and said nothing, and kept to ourselves. There have been times I have done this. I said nothing and walked away. Are you afraid to help others in embarrassing situations? Do you look away, and hope someone else tells the person something’s amiss? I have a saying, “Do unto others as you’d have them do unto to you”. What would you want someone to do if they saw something amiss on you? Would you want someone to tell you discreetely, or have them walk on by?

If you have a difficult time pointing out embarrassing things to others, how do you think you could tell them? What’s the most embarrassing situation you have ever seen that went unnoticed, and you felt very embarrassed for the person?

If you need help in being more bold and assertive in helping others, including yourself, You can contact Mike at Applicable Coaching Life Coaching at 303.456.0555 for additional information.

Ok, its the first of the Year, your sitting home in your easy chair pondering, “what am I going to do with my life?” I hate my life, I hate my job, I hate where I live, nothing is working out for me. At one time or another we have had these thoughts and felt hopeless. Are you in this stage of your life? If you are, then there is hope for you! Nothing is so bad that you can’t get control over it and have some plans to help you through the process of regaining your life back. You just have to know how to do it.

I can remember several years back, while sitting on my back deck over looking the Rock River in Wisconsin. It was a beautiful fall afternoon in mid-October. The leaves on the black walnut tree were a florescent yellow that illuminated the entire area. I looked at the oak leaves in their array of yellow, oranges and reds. I watched the ducks as they landed in the river not more then 50 feet from where I was sitting. The smell of fall leaves mixed with fresh cut grass was very invigorating. I was staring a large rock in the middle of the slow moving river. Suddenly, I began to see a movie play of my life, mostly the failures and the what if’s! I saw the hurts that I caused others and the hurts of other directed at me. This movie that I was watching, my life, my story, was not pleasant to view. I was transfixed on this rock in the river, and the movie continued to play. It seemed as if I had no power to stop it.

At one scene, I saw my failed marriage, and all the pain associated with it. Then I saw all the places that I lived in my lifetime and the places that brought a lot of pain. I wanted to turn and look away from this movie, but I couldn’t, I wanted to see more misery in my life. I saw family and friends that have passed on, ones that I missed and loved so much. I realized that I was not very happy with my life or anything associated with it. Then for a brief second, I could hear the ducks in the background. I looked around and focused back on the rock. I stared at the rock, and nothing happened, then I realized the movie in my mind was over. I slowly stared up at the clouds and then wondered, why, what was the purpose of my life being played before me?

How many of you have flashbacks about your past or the things you hated about your life? I get calls and e-mails from people who struggle with negativity in their lives. It keeps them down and haunts them constantly. There is no reason to dwell on your past failures and mistakes, there is no reason to focus on the things you hate! So, how do we take back our lives and focus on our future? The first thing we need to do is realize that we are human, and we fail. Yes, there are things we hate in life but cannot make that the center of attention for us. We need to put that way of thinking behind us. You say you hate where you live, so what are you going to do about it? Sit and do nothing or make a move to change the situation. You can start checking the paper for a different place to live, that’s one option, or you can paint, replace furniture and make the place look different in appearance. Doing nothing means living with pain, and not moving forward. Taking control of your life means being proactive and making things happen.

Now, the rest of my story I shared with you, I hated where I lived, I hated my job, I hated my life. I was one miserable man with what seemed no future in life. I needed to make things happen and knew it better be soon. So, I made a game plan (it was now or never) I have always wanted to move to Colorado. So, I checked into making a move out west. I made the calls to get the ball rolling, I contacted friends who lived out in Colorado for their idea’s and input. I put my house up for sale and within two weeks it sold. My view on my future became exciting again. I took that leap of faith needed to make things happen, I just had to put it into God’s hands. I have never regretted my move to the great state of Colorado. I love where I live and all that has happened in my life. The tips I’m about to give you work. Here are some tips to help you through the process:

1. Take some time and write down your goals, what is it that you want to change? Spend some quite time about 20 minutes, turn off the television, or radio and write down everything that comes to mind. Focus on “What changes do I need to make in my life”.
2. After you write down the changes that you want to make in the 20 minutes allowed, then prioritize them to most important to least important. Think hard on this, several may be very close in your order of importance.
3. Then after completing your list, take the number one item you have chosen and start making a list of action items or next steps, to make the change happen. If your number one item was you hate the place you live, then start by writing down what needs to happen to deal with it. Check the local want ads to find another place to live, maybe in the same neighborhood, or another town. Look on-line for places to rent, you never have to leave your home and you can see pictures of the places that are up for rent. Figure out what your budget is and start making phone calls. Make appointments to see the places that are available for rent.
4. Then take care of the details, signing a lease, hiring a moving company, or ask your friends help you move your furniture and possessions, changing your mailing address with the post office, getting electrical, water and phone service moved. I think you get the idea, when you want to make changes, you have to make things happen, so having action items posted to each item on your list, will help you understand the next steps that you need to make.

If you need Coaching during your initial planning stages, please give me a call. We can work together during this process to make it easier for you to get things done. If you are having trouble with organizing your plans, thoughts, or you get side tracked easily, call me!

If you would like some help in dealing with personal issues in your life or the relationship that you’re in, you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555. If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike’s website is www.applicablecoaching.com all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today’s coaching article.

Have you ever watched any episodes of Leave It to Beaver? Remember Eddie Haskel, the kid that June Cleaver had no respect for. Some of Eddie’s remarks about her appearances, how lovely she looked, with her hair and clothes, how Eddie offered to help Beaver with his homework while waiting for Wally to come home. Eddie was the kind of friend that would get you into trouble, and when you needed him most he would bail on you. He talked tough, but would run away from any fight. Wally, seemed to keep him around because nobody else liked him enough to be his friend.

Do you have any friends like Eddie Haskel? I have had a few like Eddie in my lifetime, my parents never warned me about people like Eddie, I was the quiet one, never in trouble, kept to myself, worked hard in school. Obeyed my parents, always did chores without being asked. The Eddie Haskel’s in my life were more for entertainment then friendships. I was pretty wise for a kid my age, kinda like Wally Cleaver was as a teen.

As I became an adult, I still would be pulling for the underdog in life, the person who had no friends, seemed out of place, and was ignored by most people. Some of those folks became great friends, sort of diamonds in the rough. I had one friend named Randy back in Wisconsin, not many people liked him, he was rude, impolite, stand offish, but had a gentle spirit about him. I would get strange looks from people when I took him and some other friends out to dinner. I could hear whispers in the background and see the stares directed at him and the group I was with.

I have been with the pompous types when I was a Doc back in Wisconsin. They were full of themselves, their money, stocks and bonds, and property were constantly brought up in conversations. The country clubs that they belonged to, were to much for me. I was not a part of this group at all. I hung out with those who ate at sports bars, even though I never drank, I loved these people. I played softball with them, went to church with them. I was invited to their BBQ’s, weddings, baptisms, and even funerals.

So many people want to have friends that have money and fame, not for the real and down to earth friendship that last a lifetime. You have to be careful with those you hang around with. If someone you know has issues with drugs, alcohol or is looking for trouble, then you avoid them. Your reputation must be guarded at all costs. I get plenty of calls from people who wish they would have never gotten involved with a certain person. Their life has been nothing but trouble since they met the person in question.

So, what do you look for in a good healthy friendship? Communication is key in building friendships. I have many friends and believe me, we love to talk, and share what’s going on in our lives. I will get many phone calls from my friends, just checking in. How that makes me feel knowing people care and want to know how I’m doing, is awesome! A good friend will be someone who understands your life and can identify with your situations. You can find potential good friends via the Internet, at work, at the gym, at parties, in your neighborhood and through mutual contacts. A good friend needs respect, caring and kindness. You should think of your friend on holidays and especially their birthday. You should be there when they are hurting and need support. You should do favors for your friend, knowing that you may need a favor someday. And most importantly, never take a good friend for granted because a true good friend is hard to find, once you find them, hang on to them.

The first one on my list is mutual interests, do you enjoy helping people? Do you like fishing or collecting antiques? Is the person your looking for in a friend have a good habit of complementing others. Over a period of time you can see if the time your investing in a friendship is paying dividends. Are you happy, do you look forward to doing things with your new friend? These are the indicators that let you know that you are in a healthy relationship.

Part two Random Acts of Kindness

I have received several phone calls and e-mails about last weeks column on Random Acts of Kindness. Several folks have expressed that they liked the idea and wanted to try it, many asked if there idea would work. Like the woman from Black Hawk, she wanted to know if going over and visiting a sick neighbor would be an inconvenience. I said give it a try and let the neighbor know that she wouldn’t stay to long, but to check in on her and see if she needed anything! Random Acts of Kindness do not have to be overwhelming nor a large amount of your time be spent in performing the act, just do it out of love for the person you are helping without expecting anything in return. No fanfare, no articles written about you, nor any pictures of you performing your act of kindness. It’s giving a part of yourself to help someone in need, or being kind to a total stranger.

I had a funeral to attend last Friday, I flew to Midway airport in Chicago, my flight left DIA in Denver. My sister had passed away from cancer, and my immediate family needed me as much as I needed them. I arrived at my gate at Frontier airlines and sat down. The place was very busy being a Friday morning. Every seat was taken at the gates and many people stood waiting for a seat to become available, I sat on the floor with my back against the wall watching and looking for a place to sit. The guy who sat in front of me, got up left his seat and took his briefcase occupying the seat next two him. Two seats opened up, I got up and saw another younger woman race to get one of the seats. We both managed to get one. I watched several people who walked toward the vacant seats while others wished they got one of the seats. The woman got her seat next to me got on her cell phone and started to talk with a friend of hers. I watched the craziness of the airport. I spotted a woman with a toddler about 3 years old kneeing on the floor trying to get her child to settle down. I watched this for about 30 seconds, and then walked over to her, knelt down, and spoke with her offering my seat for her and her son. She had plenty of carry on bags and a stroller by her side. She looked at me and then my empty seat 20 yards away and said “No thank you, he may do better walking around right where I am at, he is full of energy” the offer is open for you anytime you want it I said. As I walked back to my seat several people were watching what transpired, the woman who sat next to me, not knowing what I said, but by my actions said ” That was sweet, how nice of you”. Several guys looked at me and smiled, one gave me a thumbs up sign! How simple was my offer to a woman in need, it wasn’t a problem at all. The woman who sat next to me in the terminal was flying out to Salt lake to attend a funeral of her aunt. I got a chance to encourage her and she encouraged me. If your looking for chances to make a difference in someone’s life, you don’t have to look hard or very far, they are right in front of you.

I flew on Northwest airlines a few days ago and watched a flight attendant give special attention to the senior citizens on my flight. He went above and beyond of what was required of him. I have flown enough to know that this was a guy who had no problem of doing random acts of Kindness. Do you know of anyone who is always helping others? Let them know that you appreciate what they do for others in need. I know that we can make a difference in people’s lives, but will we act and make a commitment to help others? That’s my challenge to you, can you do at least one random act of kindness. I also want to challenge you to blog about your experiences, please change you name so we don’t know who you are. Here is the blog address to share your experiences with all of us, and thanks for sharing! https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/

If you would like some help in dealing with personal issues in your life or the relationship that you’re in, you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555.

How acts of kindness can change lives

With the economy tanking, jobs being hard to find, tempers are on a short fuse. I watched an older lady at Kings yesterday slowly pushing her shopping cart across the parking lot. There was a Lexus following behind her, and I’m sure she didn’t know she was holding up the lady in the car. Then out of the blue, the lady laid on her car horn and startled the old woman pushing the cart. As the older lady with the shopping cart moved out of the way, the lady with the Lexus pulled in a parking place, got out of her car dressed to kill and went into Kings.

I have been in a hurry at times, but not to where I was using my horn on others. I then thought, what would have been the big deal to let this older woman get her cart to her car without honking the horn at her. Maybe its just me, but what ever happened to putting others ahead of you? Are we so into our selves that we simply don’t care about others? Watch people when you are standing in line at McDonalds, or Burger King. People will cut in line, or be rude to the order takers. I watched at one of the gas stations in Conifer, where someone was waiting for a pump to open, and when it did, a guy in his 20’s just zipped in line without allowing the lady who was waiting patiently for a pump to open. She looked at me and shook her head in disgust.

How acts of kindness can change lives. I used to drop off groceries to those in need. I would get someone’s name from our pastor at the church that I attended. I would then buy 4 bags of grocery’s, and deliver them at night. I would place them by the door, ring the doorbell and run for cover. It was fun watching people open their door and look outside to see who rang their doorbell. They would then look door at the bottom of the door and see the bags of grocery’s sitting there. Helping others without having to be thanked and praised is what it’s all about.

I have paid for meals for people behind me in the drive through at McDonalds. I will leave a $20 and say to the cashier “this is for the people behind me, this is a surprise for them.”. The cashier will smile and tell me, thanks for doing that! She gets a kick out of it as much as I do. Acts of kindness can go a long way in today’s world. I want to challenge you to try it. Try dropping off bags of food to those in need, or shovel or rake someone’s yard that needs your help. Don’t expect anything in return, do it because you want to make a difference in the world today. If we all could do this in our own community, just think how many people we could help without any fanfare, doing something without expecting a thank you or a pat on the back. So here my challenge to each one of you. Starting this week, can you commit doing one act of kindness each month for the next 12 months? This is a great time of the year to start a project that you can personally do or as a family. Here are some suggestions:
1. Buy groceries for a needy family
2. Purchase Christmas gifts for needy children
3. Supply a Thanksgiving dinner for someone in need
4. Buy a meal for someone behind you in a drive through $20 Dollars worth
5. Shovel snow for someone that is disabled
6. Send an encouraging card and letter to someone that is alone or hurting.

These are just a few suggestions, I’m sure that you can come up with many more idea’s on your own. Just remember, you can make a difference in someone’s life right away. Please go to Mike’s blog and post some of the acts of kindness you have helped others with. Its wonderful to hear heart warming testimonies of people helping people. That blog address is https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ in Relationship Coaching