When is it time to say “No” to your adult children? By Michael Brooks

“Why does my adult child keep calling me and asking for money? What am I going to do? I can’t afford to keep paying his bills! He thinks I’m his personal banker! I have shelled out well over $57,000 dollars over the past 12 years sending him to college, paying for a European vacation and financing many of his money-making schemes! He has missed several payments on his student and car loans that I co-signed! I can’t do this any longer! My wife and I are spending our retirement funds to keep him afloat. I also know several other parents in the same boat we’re in.” Too many parents these days are taking care of their children when they are well into their 40’s and 50’s and even some in their 60’s. Is there any hope for us?

Believe it or not, many parents across the US are providing money for their adult children who refuse to get a job and want to live off of their parent’s backs. Many children feel they are entitled to their parent’s ongoing financial support so they make little effort to look for work or move out. What incentive do these adult children have to live on their own when we enable this attitude of entitlement? As parents we know that it is our responsibility to raise our children to be responsible adults. What is the age of accountability? Many believe when a child reaches the age of 18 they should be on their own and others say age 21 is appropriate. That is a personal decision for each parent to make. I believe once a child is out of college or trade school they should find a place of their own and start life as a working adult.

What’s wrong with our adult children finding roommates to help with living expenses? Nothing! Many young adults manage their finances on their own and may not need a roommate to help cover expenses; however, some may need to be creative to make the transition from living at home to living an independent life.

As parents we need to prepare our children for life on their own. Are you doing that? Are you helping your younger children with their finances? I recommend you begin teaching your children financial responsibility by the time they are 12 years old. Over the years I’ve had many parents tell me they never sat down with their children and explained how saving and spending works and now regret it. It’s never too late to start! Teach your children the value of earning, saving and spending their money!

To be clear, I’m not saying we should never help our children in a pinch. Adult children need help from time to time. It’s up to you to decide what kind of help they need. If they need money to feed your grandchildren then there’s no question you’ll want to help out. If they’re expecting you to pay their rent, cell phone bills or car payments on a regular basis then I suggest setting boundaries. Adult children need to take full responsibility for their lives. As a parent you don’t need to feel like a failure when you tell them you’re not going to pay for every need and want. How will our children learn to live independently if we are constantly bailing them out of the money mess they get themselves into? What are we teaching them by giving them money or paying their monthly bills?

Let’s face it many adult parents coddle their adult children. I had a friend whose mother pampered him even though he was 38 years old! She constantly doted over him by cooking all of his favorite dishes at just one meal! He seemed slightly embarrassed by it all! This friend had never become an independent adult. His mother did it all for him! I thought to myself how he is in for a real eye opener when his mother stops taking care of him!

In this series we will examine why adult children take advantage of their parents. We’ll talk about how to regain control of your life, peace of mind and finances.

Are you experiencing a difficult time in your home because your adult children are taking advantage of you and your spouse? Do you feel manipulated and hear the same old excuses? “Mom I am so tired I can’t look for a job today” and “I promise to start looking for a job on Monday, you’ll see” or “Dad, it’s not my fault! They will not hire me” and “The economy is bad and nobody is hiring! What’s the use?” If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Give me a call today!

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/
Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

For more information or to schedule a free consultation, call or email me at 303.456.0555 or mike@applicablecoaching.com. All calls are confidential and your privacy is guaranteed.

We all have them. Many are hiding in our private closets (minds). Many are attached to past events, people we know, and people we have dated. These are the ghosts that just will not leave us alone! We try to avoid and hide from them as much as possible, yet they linger and show up at the worst times. You could be having a wonderful time visiting with some friends at a party and someone might bring up one of your old flames or something stupid you did. If you’re like me, your face may turn red and you may start looking for an escape route pronto! The damage is done and the memories flood in. Maybe its memories about a person you once dated. You may wonder about what they are doing now or maybe the memory is about the great deal of pain they caused you. You find you’re no longer involved in the social aspects of the dinner party, but rather focused the past. People may think your being distant, but in reality, you’re watching old re-runs of past relationships or events in your mind’s eye. Has that ever happened to you? We all have to figure out ways to deal with these feelings of mixed emotions and hidden ghosts of our past!

A few years ago I hosted a bar-b-que at my home and had invited about 50 guests. I didn’t realize there were some serious conflicts going on between some of my guests until later that evening when I noticed that two of my guests were at odds with each other over the same woman. Both men had dated her, loved her, and wanted to marry her. She was at the party as well and was avoiding both of them. She was dating both of them at the same time and they both knew about each other. I watched this for about two hours and finally one of the men explained the situation and admitted that he was very jealous of the other man. It was amazing to see how they spent the evening talking negatively about each other to anyone who would listen. They would bring up the past mistakes the other one had made, who they dated and how they treated the ex girlfriends. They both had skeletons in the closest and plenty to be embarrassed about.

As the evening progressed I suggested he spend a few minutes talking to her. Although he said that he tried to, she avoided him. He was sure she wouldn’t talk to him because of the skeletons in his closet. He spent his evening standing in the back ground of the BBQ with his hands in his pockets, speaking to no one and just watching her. The person reminding him of the ghosts in his life wasn’t going to go away!

Do you need help with dealing with ghosts in the past? When you find yourself in a situation where the ghosts of your past are being resurrected have a game plan to get out and walk away, whether it’s physically or emotionally. Many people don’t know how to turn off the switch from the past and move on. Avoid any prolonged, random thinking of past hurts.

If you have someone in your life who likes to bring up your past and the pain you have gone through, say to yourself, “I don’t need you in my life”. Letting go of the past is the healthy thing to do. You want to focus on how to avoid painful past experiences. If someone I know starts talking about my past I change the subject. When the timing is right I pull them aside and explain to them they don’t need to bring up old relationships or dumb mistakes I have made. Most people don’t realize that their words are hurtful and will apologize when you let them know how offended you are.

Are you experiencing a difficult time in dealing with ghosts and skeletons in your past and need help in getting rid of them? Are you avoiding talking with certain people who might embarrass you in public? Are you struggling with clearing the air and making things right with certain people? Would you like to learn communication skills that are helpful when talking with people who want to hurt you by bringing up your past? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Give me a call today! Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

For more information or to schedule a free consultation, call or email me at 303.456.0555 or mike@applicablecoaching.com. All calls are confidential and your privacy is guaranteed.

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/
Dr. Michael Brooks
Applicable Life Coaching & Counseling Services
Web: www.applicablecoaching.com
Blog: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/
E-mail: mike@applicablecoaching.com
Office: 303.456.0555
Cell: 303.880.9878
Fax: 303.697.9409

Here ya go, for those who want to ask questions from some of the college and professional footall players, this is your time to ask questions. What do you want to know about summer camps, what practice is like, etc?

Deciding to Divorce, Does reconciliation mean we have to get back together? By Dr. Michael Brooks

The thought of reconciling with your former spouse may be a scary proposition. Many marriages successfully reconcile but it takes a lot of hard work. We will address those who might be interested in restoring the marriage later in the article. The aspect of reconciliation that I want to talk about is not necessarily restoring your marriage, but rather how to be friends with your former spouse. If you have children it will be in their best interest and will take a great deal of pressure off of them if they can see that you are friends. Many divorced people will opt for being friends with their former spouse when they realize there simply is no chance of marital reconciliation. After my divorce I could not have imagined being friends with my ex-wife. If someone had suggested that I should consider being friends with her I would have thought they were crazy! I’ve since learned that time really does heal old wounds and I can now say we are friends today.

I was counseling a client who was pouring her heart out about how her ex-husband was difficult to talk to. He was always saying unkind things to her and she really wanted nothing to do with him. I told her I understood and asked her what she thought her children were seeing when they looked at her reaction to him. She hesitated then slowly admitted they were seeing her anger and bad attitude. I then asked her how she handled her anger when it came to dealing with her children. Reluctantly, she said she treated them the same way she treated her ex-husband – not very well. Finally I asked the million dollar question, “Do you want your children to be involved in your war with your ex spouse?” “Of course not”, she responded. Then she asked a simple question, ‘Ok Doc, what should I do?”

I asked her to keep an open mind as I presented the idea of reconciliation and how she and her children would ultimately benefit. I went into great detail how it works and the time frame in which she could expect results. When I was done she just stared at the ceiling. She was deep in thought and asked me to go over the plan again. I explained how reconciliation works and the step-by-step process she would need to go through to make the plan work. I explained that to begin a friendship with her former spouse she would need to begin slowly and learn to communicate again. This step applies to both parties and both need to agree they are willing to work together to create the friendship or in some cases even reconcile the marriage. If the friendship is to grow, the trust issue must be resolved one way or another but always proceed with caution. If your intention is to restore the marriage then at some point the relationship must go to a deeper level beyond just friendship. This is where you must decide that you want to go to the next level, begin dating each other again, or just stay as friends! If you want to restore your marriage and need help, let me know, I can help you with that!

As I have said in many of my articles, often men and women are talked into a divorce. It can be as innocent as a well meaning friend suggesting you see a lawyer for legal advice. That starts the ball rolling and the next thing you know you’re in the middle of a divorce. If you’re really not sure you want a divorce then consider counseling. Don’t get talked into something you will later regret.

Over the years I have had clients tell me that they wished they had never filed for a divorce. The pain it caused and the uncertainty it created made them ask the question “What if I had just waited for complete healing of my marriage? My children would be happy. I would be happy and I would be in my home. I’d be going to the kid’s games and having dinner with them”. This is the part of divorce you rarely see. It’s heartbreaking and pain that never goes away. Some marriages cannot be reconciled and I understand that. The key here is getting your children through it. They should be on your “radar” when it comes to priorities between you and your spouse.

As I looked back at my own divorce I could see the pain I had caused my daughter and my former spouse. I realized I was part of the problem and I knew I shared the responsibility of the broken relationship. In order to have a healthy reconciliation, I realized I needed to do a few things to make that happen. I didn’t expect others to fix things for me, so I took my share of the blame and began working on correcting my mistakes. If you are the one who has been wronged I challenge you need to do something very bold and courageous – forgive. If you hold on to the pain you will have a long and very bitter life. I see many bitter people come through my office! They are in ill health, unhappy and very pessimistic. It’s obvious they need to forgive but they have to be willing to let go of their anger and move on.

A few years ago I was counseling a man in my office. He wanted to reconcile with his wife but she wanted nothing to do with him. He asked me what he should do. I told him to consider her complaints and if he thought they were legitimate then I suggested he work on those things and clean up his act. He got to work on them and before long his wife saw that he was making an effort to be a better man. That was a step in the right direction. Patience is the key and don’t force things. Move slowly then wait and see what happens. If you have any questions about reconciling as a friend or restoring your marriage call me! I can help you!

In this series, I will help you examine the process of getting divorced. We’ll take a close look at what to expect and will share critical information you need to know. If you or your spouse is considering divorce, prior to making that final, life-changing decision, please call me. I can help you prepare for your divorce.

Are you experiencing a difficult time in your marriage and need help? Is your spouse avoiding talking with you about the problems in your marriage? Are you struggling with the execution and planning of your divorce? Would you like to learn communication tools that are helpful when talking with your spouse about repairing your marriage? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Give me a call today!

Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado. Your privacy is guaranteed.

For more information or to schedule a free consultation, call or email me at 303.456.0555 or mike@applicablecoaching.com. All calls are confidential and your privacy is guaranteed.

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/

Deciding to Divorce, I want to forgive, but I don’t know how!

When I found out that my wife was cheating on me with a man 22 years younger than her, I was shocked! My pain was incredible! The lies and her affair just about sent me over the edge. I told myself I would never forgive her. What she had done to me was pure hate! I told people how bitter I was and every person I told was sympathetic towards my pain.

Then it hit me, what was my daughter seeing? On one hand, I was teaching her about forgiving people who hurt her, and yet on the other hand I wasn’t being a good example of showing forgiveness. I have clients who have been bitter every day since their divorce. If you can’t find forgiveness you’ll encounter more problems down the road. Many people will go through bouts of depression and will find that long lasting depression has its consequences. Eventually your friends will see you as a victim and someone to avoid. When you become so negative and that’s all people hear from you, look out! You can become so critical that you may not realize that you’re hurting the people around you. Being down and depressed can make you ill physically, emotionally and even spiritually for that matter.

When you seek to forgive someone that has wronged you, many good things begin to happen including emotional and spiritual healing. Letting go of the bitterness can help you move on and find a better place for you and your children. I had a client that was so bitter and hateful she couldn’t see straight. Whenever she thought of her ex-spouse she would get physically ill. It disrupted her way of life. We talked about her bitterness and her reluctance to forgive many times. Once she let go of those negative emotions she began to regain control of her life. When she finally realized he didn’t care that she was bitter or unforgiving she was able to heal.

Physical pain can be treated by medications. Emotional pain is treated by time, patience and forgiveness. Forgiveness is not instant. Yes, you can forgive and move on, but for many, they will never forget the pain they went through. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s an act. It’s about making a conscious decision to release unwanted feelings that you carry around with you about another person. Basically, it’s allowing the other person to step out of your life so you can move on with yours! It’s important to be very careful when you forgive someone that you don’t open up the door for them to hurt you again. I see several people a month who have been divorced and yet they open up the doors of being hurt again by trusting the very person that hurt them in the first place! Lost trust must be regained and earned over a period of time. Forgiving someone means not expecting them to say they’re sorry. You might be able to coerce an apology but it won’t be sincere. When I talked to my ex-wife about her affair I would ask her if she was sorry for what she had done to our family. She would laugh and say, “Ok, I am sorry, do you feel better now?” I eventually realized that I was forcing her to apologize and her apology wasn’t from her heart. To this day she still hasn’t apologized but I have moved on and have forgiven her.

The one who forgives is the one who shows maturity. When you forgive it doesn’t mean you want to reconcile. It means you’re just releasing the one who wronged you from your life. You don’t need to carry the guilt and pain caused by your divorce. If you’re ready forgive and need help learning how to forgive then call me. I can help you find freedom and peace in forgiveness.

In this series, I will help you examine the process of getting divorced. We’ll take a close look at what to expect and will share critical information you need to know. If you or your spouse is considering divorce, prior to making that final, life-changing decision, please call me. I can help you prepare for your divorce.

Are you experiencing a difficult time in your marriage and need help? Is your spouse avoiding talking with you about the problems in your marriage? Are you struggling with the execution and planning of your divorce? Would you like to learn communication tools that are helpful when talking with your spouse about repairing your marriage? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Give me a call today!

Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado. Your privacy is guaranteed.

For more information or to schedule a free consultation, call or email me at 303.456.0555 or mike@applicablecoaching.com. All calls are confidential and your privacy is guaranteed.

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/

Deciding to Divorce by Dr. Michael Brooks
(Part Ten)

I miss the physical intimacy of being married. What can I do?

I think all of us who have been married crave the physical intimacy marriage brings. Let’s face it – God put those desires in our wiring. This is an area that many struggle with during their divorce. Over the years I have counseled many couples who were dealing with the fallout from infidelity. This is a major reason why divorces happen. Broken trust! There are many reasons why people cheat on their spouse. Here are a few reasons I have heard:

• I was talked into it.
• I didn’t hurt anyone.
• I wanted to see if people are still attracted to me.
• Everybody is doing it.
• If I don’t have sex, he/she will not like me.
• It will help me forget about my ex.

If you have an attitude like some of these folks, you’re bound to get into serious trouble. Sex without being in a long term commitment has negative consequences:• Health risks including HIV/AIDS and STDs.
• Unplanned pregnancy.
• Your children seeing you in a non-committed relationship.
• Pain and guilt experienced when the sexual relationship is over.
• Rape

After your divorce, I highly recommend abstaining from sex and focus on building a healthy relationship that’s built on trust, understanding, compromise, love and faith. Have boundaries when you start dating and make sure you both agree on the boundaries. Have a plan and know what to do when things get intense. If you are meeting people on the internet, be very careful. Many wonderful relationships begin on Match.com or eHarmony, but one word of caution, the internet has stalkers and meeting someone there can be very dangerous. If you need help with internet dating contact me. I’ll give you tips on staying safe. In this series, I will help you examine the process of getting divorced. We’ll take a close look at what to expect and will share critical information you need to know.

If you or your spouse is considering divorce, prior to making that final, life-changing decision, please call me. I can help you prepare for your divorce.

Are you experiencing a difficult time in your marriage and need help? Is your spouse avoiding talking with you about the problems in your marriage? Are you struggling with the execution and planning of your divorce? Would you like to learn communication tools that are helpful when talking with your spouse about repairing your marriage? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Give me a call today!

Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado. Your privacy is guaranteed.

For more information or to schedule a free consultation, call or email me at 303.456.0555 or mike@applicablecoaching.com. All calls are confidential and your privacy is guaranteed.

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/

Deciding to Divorce
(Part Nine)
What will the divorce do to my children?

When my daughter found out that her mother and I were getting a divorce, she didn’t know what to say. She was hurt and didn’t understand the reasons why. Even though she was young she had a lot of questions. Whatever the reasons it’s important to keep your children out of your personal business. It’s important to speak positively about your spouse to your children. Unfortunately, many parents use their children as a sounding board and share personal information about their divorce or separation. I promised myself I would not say anything negative about my soon-to-be ex-wife. On a few occasions I caught myself starting to say something negative but stopped myself before I said too much. Kids need to be kids during this time and not forced to take sides. Yet, it happens all the time. Last Christmas my now 30-year-old daughter called me and wanted to talk about some things that were bothering her about her mother’s and my divorce. Even though we’ve been divorced 22 years my daughter told me that her mother verbally ran me down and wanted to know why. Although I didn’t have an answer for her, she thanked me for not talking negatively about her mother. That statement said a lot to me. Being above-board does have its benefits.

Your children will experience many of the same emotions you have. They will go through depression, anger, low self-esteem and guilt. Allow them time to grieve. They will feel a great deal of pain through your divorce. I hear many parents in my office tell me that their children are fine with the divorce! The reality is, they are not. You may want to believe they are and try to convince yourself they are, but the truth is, this will be one of the most painful times in their lives. Your children will dream about having their parents back together. They long to have a mother and father in the same house. They might even ask what they did to cause the divorce.

What can you do to make it easier for your children during these stressful times? As I mentioned earlier in this article, don’t talk about your spouse in a negative way. It’s also important not to use your children as messengers between you and your spouse. My ex-wife would use my daughter to spy on me. After weekend visits, she would ask my daughter who I was talking to, what kind of friends I had, who I was dating and what kind of things was I buying. My daughter told me she hated it when her mother asked those questions. Keep the lines of communication open between you and your spouse. If your questions are not related to your children or the divorce, then don’t ask them. Why put any more stress on your children? They will learn to resent you if you put them in these uncomfortable situations.

Another thing to avoid is using your children as pawns. Some parents will restrict their children from seeing the other parent in an attempt to get even with them. This is not in the best interest of your children. They need the love and support from both parents during this very difficult time.

Several years ago while living in Wisconsin my daughter, who was 12 years old at the time, and I planned a trip to Central City and Blackhawk. We both loved history and all it had to offer in Colorado. We wanted to see gold mines, pan for gold, and tour the historical sites in the area. We had planned to leave on a Thursday morning at 3:00 a.m. Her mother and I agreed weeks prior to the trip that I would pick her up at that time. The day before our trip I got a call from my ex-wife that she didn’t feel like getting up that early in the morning to get my daughter ready. I explained that I had rented a motor home and that we were stopping at a friend’s home in Nebraska for dinner later that day and would be late if we didn’t leave at our planned time. She didn’t care! I was told that she and my daughter were going to drive down to Chicago and would be back on Saturday afternoon and that I could pick my daughter up upon their return. Unfortunately, our daughter was used as a pawn in my ex-wife’s anger toward me. There was nothing I could do about it at the time. My daughter was so disappointed with her mother. Even at a young age, she knew what was going on. Avoid these types of situations. It only hurts your children in the long run.

Whatever you do, do not ask your children to take sides in your divorce! Leave them out of it! Let your kids be kids! Let me say that again, “Let your kids be kids!” Be open when you talk to your children about their feelings about who they are going to live with. Don’t use guilt to manipulate their feelings.

Another important element is keeping your word with your children. If you say you’re going to do something with them, then do it! Do not break your promises. This is one of the biggest complaints I hear when I counsel children of divorce. If you plan to pick up your children on a Saturday at 2:00 p.m. make sure you do and be on time! If you promise to buy your kids something, follow through with that promise.

For those of you who don’t have primary custody, keep in mind your responsibility for providing a home away from home. Make sure your children are involved in finding a place to live. Helping with the chores at home and running errands will give them a sense of normalcy. Avoiding being “Santa Claus” by always buying gifts or being the parent that never hands out discipline. It’s important to remain active in their lives and continue to do things that create new memories. Go to museums, ballgames and the library together. Help them find hobbies that promote growth in the sciences or art. Your children will love getting out of the house and doing some fun things with you!

In this series, I will help you examine the process of getting divorced. We’ll take a close look at what to expect and will share critical information you need to know. If you or your spouse is considering divorce, prior to making that final, life-changing decision, please call me. I can help you prepare for your divorce.

Are you experiencing a difficult time in your marriage and need help? Is your spouse avoiding talking with you about the problems in your marriage? Are you struggling with the execution and planning of your divorce? Would you like to learn communication tools that are helpful when talking with your spouse about repairing your marriage? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Give me a call today!

Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado. Your privacy is guaranteed.

For more information or to schedule a free consultation, call or email me at 303.456.0555 or mike@applicablecoaching.com. All calls are confidential and your privacy is guaranteed.

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/