This is the place to just let your feelings out! Let’s face it, many times we keep things in, for the fear of saying the wrong things. We all have done it, and for those of you who need to share what’s on your heart, I encourage you to do so! So, since I will write one of my rants, join in with your thoughts.

I went to a grand opening this last Saturday, and the store is one that I really enjoyed, all kinds of items that fit my fancy. Guy stiff, chain saws, guns, clothes, boots, fishing gear, etc.

You could sign up to win all kinds of prizes. Entry boxes were set up through-out the entire store. I went to one station, where a heavy set woman, with a young child was parked at one of these stations. She had pen in hand, and a pad of entry forms in her hand filling out the forms. I was stand right next to her looking for a entry form. One young guy, asked her if he could possibly have a single entry form for. In a stern voice, she said “I suppose so” and slowly ripped one entry form and handed to him.

I was ticked, I was tempted to take the pad out of her hand, and pass the forms out to those standing around the table, which were many people. So, here is my question, what would you have done? Would you have left it alone or would you have confronted her? Let me know…

My uncle Chet loved sharing the heritage of the Brook’s family tree and I loved listening and learning about my heritage. As a child I remember my teachers talking about the pilgrims prior to Thanksgiving week. We colored pictures of them in grade school and made turkeys out of paper plates and colorful feathers. My teachers shared the hardships the pilgrims encountered and how native Americans kept them alive during the winter months. It sounded so exciting to me as a kid. I loved every aspect of history and was amazed when I learned our family had Mayflower descendants.

I learned our family was at the first Thanksgiving dinner and was thankful for that. Other than my Uncle Chet I was the only one of my siblings interested in our Mayflower heritage. My interest carried on through high school where I dug into researching our decedents George Soule and Peter Browne. My research revealed they were respected leaders and worked for religious freedom.  

I also have many fond family Thanksgivings. My dad loved cooking the Thanksgiving turkey while my mother cooked everything else. As we sat there looking at each other across the table stuffed to the brim I remember asking, “When do we get pumpkin pie?” I was 12 at the time but remember getting mom’s cloth napkins tossed at me from everyone at the table! I often go back to that Thanksgiving memory. My Dad would get up early, prepare the turkey then make breakfast for us all. After breakfast he would start a nice fire in the fireplace where we would sit in the family room and call family members and wish them a happy Thanksgiving.

When we were done feasting at the Thanksgiving table and the day was coming to a close, my mother would come into my room and ask me what I was thankful for. I sat back and thought about her question and said, “Well, you and dad, my brothers and sister and our dogs.” I suppose may not have been a typical child’s answer to his mother’s question, but it was the only answer that I had.  

Today I ask myself the same question. I am thankful for my family including my wife, daughter and brothers. I’m also thankful for the fond memories of my parents and sister who have passed on. I am thankful for my faith in God and all that He has provided for me. I am thankful for the country we live in and for friends and wonderful memories. I could fill several pages with my responses to this question. Now it’s your turn!

What are you thankful for? Take some time and reflect what is important to you and write those thoughts down. Think through the years and see if your memory will allow you to do so. Think about those you love and special events you’ve shared with family and friends. Why are they important to you and why are thankful for them? This is a great day in our nation’s history. Share your thoughts with your family and friends and don’t forget to share them on my blog listed below. Happy Thanksgiving!!

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/

Who Judges You?

I listened to the judge ask the young woman who was about to be sentenced for theft due to a meth problem, “You do know this is your last chance to help yourself?” She was wearing a yellow jump suit provided by the county jail. Her lawyer was at her side watching her plead her case before the judge. She somberly answered the judge, “I know and I realize I need help with my drug problem. I can’t keep living this way…it’s going kill me. I have tried several programs but none of them have worked”.

The judge was very compassionate and understanding and told her that she has to be the one who takes control of her life and her actions. Then he reminded her, “This is your last chance! The next time you stand before me it’s a mandatory ten year sentence in prison.”   Wow! Ten years! His startling statement made me think about my life and how thankful I was that I have never been in jail and never abused drugs. I’m sure this scenario plays out across this country every day. Not just in regard to drugs and drug abuse, but white-collar crime, murder, assault, and even divorce. I heard several different cases presented before this judge while I was there to support a friend who was going through difficult times. I witnessed many standing before the judge who had made some very poor choices in their lives.

Have any of you ever regretted some of the choices you have made? I sure have! And to this day I regret some very dumb things I have done. Looking back now, I realize that as a young man I said things that hurt people over the years. I was irresponsible in high school and college. But now as I get older I weigh my words carefully before ever uttering a sound. If we can control our words and actions, for the most part, we will stay out of trouble. Have I been tempted to let loose a few times? You bet I have! My dad used to say it’s better to catch flies with honey than vinegar. How do people judge you? Do they see a warm and caring person or a gruff, mean-spirited individual just looking for a verbal altercation? I see these folks all the time in my travels and it isn’t pretty. We’ve all seen them in the check-out lane at the local grocery store or the airport. Heck, you’ve probably even seen them in your church and service clubs you belong to.

I remember an older guy that frequented a small café back in my hometown in Wisconsin. He always sat alone looking grumpy and made faces at people who looked his way. He also had his favorite booth in the café and all the locals knew to avoid it! One day I watched a young couple with a small child sit in “his” booth before he arrived for breakfast. As he walked in and looked at the corner he saw that they had taken his seat. He wasn’t very happy about it but managed to get a booth near his favorite spot in the café. He looked very irritated as the waitress poured his coffee. Even though he expressed his aggravation under his breath the young couple heard what he had said. What happened next was amazing! Their little girl walked up to him and started to talk to him. He avoided looking at her at first but she was persistent in handing him a napkin from the table. He took the napkin as she continued to talk. He looked at her and said “Thank you” and a big smile came over his face. Then he asked her what her name was and seemed to enjoy conversing with her. This little girl had a way of looking beyond his grumpy demeanor and made him smile!

How do you think people view you? Are you open and kind or is your spirit ill-tempered? Can you look beyond a scowling face and still reach out with kindness like the little girl in my story did?

Do you feel you need to work on some personal issues like the ones mentioned above? Do people avoid you but you’re just not sure why? Do you have unresolved, personal conflict?   If so, maybe it’s about time you resolve these issues before the holidays. Contact me and we can talk about ways to help you deal with these conflicts and help you find peace, joy and freedom!
    
I provide online, phone and Skype Master Life Coaching and counseling. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous, and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid the travel and time it takes to get my office by never having to leave the comfort of your own home to meet with me. Your anonymity and privacy is completely secured. I have many out-of-state clients who have found this to be the most effective means for Life Coaching.

Call today for your free initial consultation!

If you’d like to read past articles you can go to Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching/blog/. Feel free to post your comments and/or questions.

Are You Courageous?

In the latest Christian film “Courageous” I watched my life story play out. If you’re unfamiliar with the film it’s about four men with the calling to serve and protect. As law enforcement officers they faced danger every day. Yet when tragedy struck close to home, these fathers were left wrestling with their hopes, fears, and ultimately their faith. From this struggle came a decision that changed all of their lives.

Being a tough Norski I had no problem fighting back the tears; however, I was overwhelmed with the story line and felt at times like I was playing  parts of the movie in my mind’s eye. The movie is all about family life, difficult relationships, pain and loss. It reminded me of the loss of my sister Deb and the pain still associated with it.

My sister passed away almost two years ago from a painful throat cancer that caused convulsions and zapped her of her strength and energy over several months. Each phone call I received from my brother-in-law and my brother became less and less hopeful. I knew what was coming. The end of a sibling’s life is not easy to deal with. As I watched the movie a haunting question played over in my mind, “Was I a good brother?” I knew I was a caring brother but did I listen to my sister? In all honesty, I have to answer the question with a regretful “no”. My sister and I were so opposite in our personalities and the way we were raised that over the years we distanced ourselves from each other. How did that happen you may ask?

My sister was always fighting our parents, my older brothers and friends that stopped by the house. She seemed to be on a mission and that mission was to disrupt the peace we had in the house. I never understood why she seemed to enjoy causing general mayhem and pain. Our family was always trying to figure her out!  

The main character in “Courageous”  had the desire to do the right thing by being the provider, stable and a good man. I have to give him credit – he made a difference in the lives of many people at home and at work. I hope people can say the same thing about me. I know I can’t go back and make amends with my sister Deb but I can make sure that I ask those I have wounded to forgive me. I also want to work on repairing any damage I may have caused.

Now as I think about my daughter I know she has hurts that no doubt were caused by me. I plan to ask for her forgiveness and will begin working toward healing the pain I have caused. How do I go about this? I first have to look back and figure out where I caused her the most pain when she was growing up. At times I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. I remember her asking me to do some things with her but I declined because I was either too busy or too tired. Poor excuses for sure! I have a feeling the offenses I remember will be ones she never thought of, and the pain that I caused her will be ones that I never gave a thought to. That is what is called discovery. You get that by sitting down and talking face-to-face. It’s not always easy but probably the best way to begin the healing process.

“Courageous” challenged to be a better man, a better listener and to hold dear all relationships, big and small. We get one shot while here on earth and we need to make the best of it. When we are asked for help, let’s help those in need. When we’re asked to spend time with a friend or loved one, let’s find the time!

I highly recommend you take time to see the movie “Courageous.” It’s a great family film that will change the way you think about your parents, children, brothers and sisters.

When is it time to say “No” to your adult children?
Part 5

In the final article of this series, let’s refresh our memory on what needs to be done to encourage our adult children and get them involved in our game plan. Find a time when there is peace in the house then sit down with them and proceed to let them know why you want them to become independent adults and the steps you’re going to take with them to insure their success.

Remember, your game plan is not open for debate. You are informing them that there are new rules while they live in your home and if they don’t like the rules they can move out! Explain to them that the money trail has ended and that mom and dad’s bank has closed its doors. They have to make it on their own and you’ll be there to encourage them every step of the way. You now have set boundaries for yourself and your adult child. Make sure you’re very clear regarding your expectations if they choose to continue living with you. This can include doing their laundry and their cooking. Their bedroom will need to be neat and tidy and they will be expected to clean up after themselves and that you are no longer their housekeeper. They may not be willing to add extra chores like washing your car or cutting the grass but if they are kind and are willing to go the extra mile, then all the better.

You will need to identify the changes you want and explain in detail each item on your list and why you have it listed. You will also need to make sure they understand the consequences if they do not comply. So what are your expectations should your child decide to continue living at home? Here are some general ideas: Will they pay rent? If so, you will need to determine how much and the date it is to be paid. What will be considered shared expenses in running your home and how much will they pay for gas, electricity, water, etc?

Think about household supplies. Will they be responsible for buying their own laundry detergent and dryer sheets? What are you guidelines about having friends over? How will they pay their debts and credit cards? If they are borrowing your car should they be paying for the insurance? Is your ultimate plan to have them move out? If your answer is yes, then determine a reasonable move out date. When they move out, what furniture can they take with them?

These are the kinds of questions you must list before you sit down and meet with your adult child. Let them know that you love them and will encourage them as they make these life changes but you will not do it for them. Make sure they understand you will not co-sign for any loans or leases. Help them understand you will no longer be their personal secretary and you will not be calling to remind them of appointments, when to pay bills, etc.

In closing, be strong, stand your ground, and be firm. Take control of your life. Don’t enable your adult children to use you. Have respect for yourself and help them by helping yourself.

There is so much information I would love to share with you regarding this subject. I simply cannot fit everything into this series of articles! If you have any questions, please give me a call and we can arrange an appointment and talk.

In this series we have examined why adult children take advantage of their parents and have learned how to regain control of your life, peace of mind and finances.

Are you experiencing a difficult time in your home because your adult children are taking advantage of you and your spouse? Do you feel manipulated and hear the same old excuses? “Mom I am so tired I can’t look for a job today” and “I promise to start looking for a job on Monday, you’ll see” or “Dad, it’s not my fault! They will not hire me” and “The economy is bad and nobody is hiring! What’s the use?” If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Give me a call today!

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/

Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

For more information or to schedule a free consultation, call or email me at 303.456.0555 or mike@applicablecoaching.com. All calls are confidential and your privacy is guaranteed.

When is it time to say “No” to your adult children?
Part 3

The first step in correcting the problem of enabling your adult child’s irresponsibility is to admit there is a problem. When you realize your adult child is always asking for money or is always in need and never takes responsibility for his actions then it’s time to step back, look at the problem, and do something about it. You know you want help your kids but you also want to bring sanity back into your life. It’s time to know what your boundaries are and set them. As a parent I understand that we want to protect our kids. We don’t want them to suffer but we need to ask how many of these problems are brought on by their bad choices?

Sometimes we get confused with the words “enabling” and “helping”. There is a big difference you know! Helping is when we reach out and fill a need by affording relief or support to a person under difficulties. Enabling is born out of our instinct of love. However, when we apply it to chronic financial problems that our adult children bring upon themselves, enabling has the opposite effect on what we really intend to do.

I’ve had clients tell me they can’t forgive themselves for things like divorce, abuse, etc. So what do they do? They try to buy their way out of their feelings of guilt! I had a client who divorced her husband and abandoned her children to marry another man. Unfortunately, the man she married wanted nothing to do with her children. Although this happened several years ago she is still trying to buy their love by paying their bills, giving them money and financing expensive trips. Her children never show any gratitude for what she does for them and her friends tell her she’s enabling her sons to be irresponsible young men.

You may ask “Where do I start?” I suggest the first thing you do is make a commitment to yourself to stop the enabling. Tell yourself, “I am no longer going to hurt my child by enabling their irresponsible behavior.” There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty about taking control of your life because what you are ultimately doing is helping your adult child do the things they should be doing for themselves.

When my parents decided to end the madness of enabling my sister they decided to do it immediately and not prolong it. My dad was fed up and couldn’t tolerate what it was doing to my mother. I was proud of them! They enabled my sister for 10 years. Finally, enough was enough! My parents sat down with my sister, shared their concerns and set boundaries on what they were going to do from that moment on. Undoubtedly, my sister was upset and tried to use guilt to manipulate them. Some of her excuses were:  “How dare you tell me I have to get a job. There are no jobs out there!” “Everybody is picking on me and you hate me!” “I don’t have a car! How am I going to apply for work?” “I’m going to live on the streets so don’t worry about me.” Once you set boundaries with your adult child expect to hear all kinds of excuses. Don’t buy into them! This is when you have to be strong. My next suggestion is take some time to really think about the situation and then write down your goals. List all the things that will help you see the whole picture and what you’re ultimately trying to accomplish. This exercise will give you a peace of mind.

In this series we will examine why adult children take advantage of their parents. We’ll talk about how to regain control of your life, peace of mind and finances.
Are you experiencing a difficult time in your home because your adult children are taking advantage of you and your spouse? Do you feel manipulated and hear the same old excuses? “Mom I am so tired I can’t look for a job today” and “I promise to start looking for a job on Monday, you’ll see” or “Dad, it’s not my fault! They will not hire me” and “The economy is bad and nobody is hiring! What’s the use?” If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Give me a call today!

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/
Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

For more information or to schedule a free consultation, call or email me at 303.456.0555 or mike@applicablecoaching.com. All calls are confidential and your privacy is guaranteed.

How to tell your adult children NO! By Michael Brooks

I have had clients in the past that felt if they didn’t help their adult children they were bad parents! Hogwash! Don’t buy into that lie! You’re doing your children a big favor by being honest with them by telling them to take care of themselves. I can remember when I first got married I asked my dad to co-sign on a loan for a television. He said “Son, a television is a luxury. Work an extra job to buy one.” That was some of the best advice I ever received. Just as he suggested, I got a part time job and bought a nice TV. I earned it and it bolstered my self-worth as a person. My dad knew how to speak the truth in love and it didn’t cause any permanent damage. He knew how to say no, and I learned when he said no he meant no!

How many times have you been at the grocery store and watched a 5-year-old go ballistic when he didn’t get the cookies he wanted? We’ve also seen the parents give in just to stop the tantrum. If I had acted up in a grocery store when I was a child my parents would have taken me out to the car and would have “taken care of business”. Over the years I’ve had clients tell me that their adult children have acted the same way. They didn’t necessarily throw a tantrum, but when their child didn’t get their way they pouted, used guilt and stopped talking to their parents.

Let’s ask ourselves some questions and be honest in answering them.
• Have you repeatedly loaned your child money and have never been repaid?
• Does your child ask you to buy expensive items for them like cars, clothes, computers, cell phones, etc?
• Have you been paying bills that your child should be paying and taking care of?
• Have you been asked to co-sign for car or house loans?
• Do you have arguments about money and his/her spending habits?
• Are you using your retirement or savings to keep your adult child afloat?
• Are you apprehensive about seeing your child because you know he will be asking for money or that you buy certain things?
• Have you had personal items, collectibles or jewelry seemingly end up missing?
• Is your marriage in trouble because your adult child is taking advantage of you and your spouse?
• Does your adult child get belligerent towards you when you don’t give into their wants and desires? Do they swear and yell at you?

When growing up my parents could answer “yes” to most of the questions listed above. My sister took advantage of my parent’s generosity and kindness. As her brother, I saw through it. They felt bad for some of the choices she made and were always making excuses for her when I confronted them. They would say, “Well, your sister has it pretty hard and she has a drinking problem. If your mom and I don’t help her, who will? We want to help her until she gets back on her feet!” I would tell them that in reality they were not helping her but were actually enabling her bad behavior. She expected our parents to bail her out and ultimately she did not suffer any consequences for her actions.

I asked them how they thought she would ever learn to live on her own if they were always giving her money and paying her rent and most of her living expenses. When I told them I thought she could make it on her own, I got blank stares from my parents!

In this series we will examine why adult children take advantage of their parents. We’ll talk about how to regain control of your life, peace of mind and finances.
Are you experiencing a difficult time in your home because your adult children are taking advantage of you and your spouse? Do you feel manipulated and hear the same old excuses? “Mom I am so tired I can’t look for a job today” and “I promise to start looking for a job on Monday, you’ll see” or “Dad, it’s not my fault! They will not hire me” and “The economy is bad and nobody is hiring! What’s the use?” If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Give me a call today!

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/
Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

For more information or to schedule a free consultation, call or email me at 303.456.0555 or mike@applicablecoaching.com. All calls are confidential and your privacy is guaranteed.