Boundaries in Love

We have talked about boundaries in our life and how necessary they are. They have to be established long before you being to date. Some of the boundaries you might want to consider are: is this person I’m dating trustworthy? Are they truthful? Are they in multiple relationships? Do they live with their parents? Do they have a job? Do they have good relationships with their parents? Are they responsible with money? Do they have good friends?

After you have thought about what you are looking for in a healthy relationship, now is the time to sit down, and write out your boundaries and stick to them. Don’t sell your boundaries out when someone comes into your life to fill a void. Selling out will only create more problems if you compromise your boundaries.

I got a call from a young man who was smitten with a woman he had just met. He said she was friendly, she enjoyed gambling, was a great cook. She also had 7 cats and was a night owl. “Ok, so what’s the problem?” I asked. “Well, you know I don’t gamble, I go to bed early and I am allergic to cats.” He replied. When I asked him why he wanted to date her he said she treats him nice, likes to talk and actually listens to him. He also noted that no one had ever been attracted to him like this woman. “So let me get this right. You’re attracted to a woman who gambles, has 7 cats and is a night owl?” I asked. “I know it sounds crazy”, he said. I agreed with him and advised him that I didn’t think the relationship would be a long term relationship for him. When I reminded him of the boundaries he set up for his dating relationships, he agreed he had set them aside. “Ok, ok you’re right! I will not pursue this relationship” he said. It’s a good thing he didn’t! It never would have worked out.

Remember, boundaries in your love life will keep you out of trouble. If you haven’t already written out what your boundaries should look like, do it today! List at least 5 boundaries you will not compromise no matter how perfect the person may appear in looks or wealth or fame! A young woman told me one day, “I don’t want to lose out by saying “no” to those I may be interested in.” All I can say is, “so what?”

If someone is challenging your boundaries right off the bat, it’s time to say “thanks, but no thanks.” This is not the time to be vacillating on your principle. Stick to your guns and spare the heartache by remaining true to yourself. The right person will come along, just wait and see! We all struggle with boundaries. Do you need help setting up your boundaries in your love life? Do you have difficulty telling people ‘no’ who push the limits of your boundaries? If you do, then I would suggest that you take some time to decide what your boundaries are.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone you can call 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

Boundaries in Love (Part One)

A recent client of mine shared with me how desperately she wanted to be married and was afraid she would never meet the right man. She was a full-time working mother of two small children. I asked her to give me all the reasons why she really wanted to be married. She said she needed someone who would help her raise her children and provide the companionship she longed for. When I asked her to dig a little deeper, we got to the heart of the matter.

“I don’t want to be lonely and alone.” She went on to say, “And I can’t stand it that people think I’m a loser in my three failed marriages. I just can’t even think about not having a man in my life.” I’m sure many of you reading this know someone who feels this way. It’s really sad that people get involved in relationships just to avoid being lonely. At times you may hear the other side of the coin where people say they can’t wait to be on their own and by themselves, longing for a break from their relationships.

So you ask yourself, “What’s love got to do with it?” It’s certainly not the one night stands, nor is it the dating machine people may think you are. Having boundaries in your love life keeps you out of trouble and keeps you safe while looking for the right person to come along.

What are some boundaries you have established life that help you as you search for the right person? Do you date people only for their good looks or because they have money? Do you date people for their celebrity status or fame? Do you date people because they love to party? Or do you date someone for their compassion or their kindness? Do you date someone because of their funny personality and fine sense of humor? How about dating the person who puts you first and truly enjoys spending time with you? Do you date someone you can talk to and listens to you?

We all struggle with boundaries. Do you need help setting up your boundaries in your love life? Do you have difficulty telling people ‘no’ who push the limits of your boundaries? Are you tired of letting people walk all over you? Do you attract the wrong kind of people? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you need to see Dr. Mikes next article on part two “Boundaries in Love (Part Two)

As I sat listening to the young woman describe what she thought her boundaries should look like I heard a list of demands that were, quite frankly, over the edge. Boundaries are for keeping sanity in your life and not for keeping people from being close to you. Boundaries are not to be used as weapons against those we know and love. Many times people who set boundaries are afraid that they will upset the people they love. Does that concern you? Some people actually feel guilty for having boundaries.

In my line of work, I have to be at my best. I want as much information possible at my finger tips so I read at least one book each week; attend seminars; and keep up-to-date with my continuing education classes. Like most professionals, I believe it’s very important to be “in the know” and up-to-speed on all the latest information that will help me provide the best counseling services to my clients. I enjoy that time of study each and every day. Over the years as my practice has grown, I have found it has become more difficult to find time to read. This was really bothering me! One day, out of frustration, I picked up my calendar and blocked out time that afforded me time to study and read. Still to this day, I now have time to read! It is a part of my daily agenda. Setting this boundary wasn’t hard to do! I just had to follow through to make it happen!

I get asked the question, “Where should I center my boundaries?” If someone wants your time, your money, or wants your love, then you need to set boundaries. Time boundaries are easy to violate. Remember the young woman I wrote about last week? She didn’t set any time limits for the date with her boyfriend and unfortunately she paid the price by being tired at work the next day. Why? She didn’t tell her date she needed to be back at home by a certain time. She allowed her time boundary to be violated.

Let’s say there is a timeline that a certain job has to be completed at work and if it is not done correctly and on time your job is at risk. What would you do to make sure that doesn’t happen? I’m sure that you would not take calls at your desk or allow co-workers to stop and talk about “Dancing with the Stars”. Nor would you start texting or return text messages from friends and family. The reason is your boss put a timeline for his project to get completed. Can you do that in your own personal life? Can you be disciplined enough to make that happen? I like to ask my clients these questions:  Who owns you? Who controls you? Do you control your mind, or does your mind control you?

In your opinion, what are the three boundaries where people constantly violate your time? This list can include your children, family, friends, co-workers or acquaintances. Why do you feel they violate these boundaries? How frustrated do you feel when you are unable to say anything about it? What holds you back from saying anything to them? These are the fact finding questions that you must ask yourself. Time is a precious commodity to waste. It’s like gold or a rare coin. You need to protect it at all costs.

Now list the three top offenders who violate your time. List how they violate your time and what are your plans are to make changes. What will these changes do to improve your boundaries?

We all struggle with boundaries. Do you need help setting up your boundaries? Do you have difficulty telling people ‘no’? Are you tired of letting people walk all over you? Does your spouse, children or co-workers need to know your boundaries? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you need to call Dr. Mike today.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

During counseling one day I worked with a young woman who couldn’t see that she was in another unhealthy dating relationship. She had her ups and downs with a man she had dated for several months. She complained that he wasn’t dependable and always made excuses for his bad behavior. Even though she was frustrated with him she too made excuses for him. It was a toxic relationship for sure! Because she didn’t have clear boundaries with defined consequences, she found herself jumping from one relationship to the next, wondering why the previous one failed.

Setting boundaries in relationships create loving and lasting relationships. So, let’s look at why boundaries are important in maintaining good relationships. Ask yourself this question:  How many times has someone who you have dated knowingly pushed your “hot button”? For example, you’ve told your date that you need to be home at a certain time so you can be in bed and be rested for an important meeting at work the next day. Your date coerces you into stopping at his favorite night club to hear the local jazz band. You remind him that you need to get up early but he completely ignores your request. Finally he drops you off at home, much later than you expected and tells you to “get over it”.

As we look at the woman’s situation, I ask, who is the blame? Is it the young woman or her date? How could she have made the evening work for both of them? Do you think boundaries could have helped her avoid getting home so late? Let’s look at how this particular situation could have been avoided. First of all she needed to give him a specific time to be home and left that open for him to decide. Second, she didn’t take control of the time at the night club. This is just one example of having boundaries in all relationships. Personal, employment, and family relationships require boundaries. Boundaries are absolutely necessary in all relationships. It’s up to us to enforce them and follow through with the consequences if they are violated. Do you have boundaries with your spouse? Do you have boundaries at work and with your friends?

Setting boundaries can keep you out of trouble. Had this woman made it clear that she needed to be home at a certain time she would have earned her date’s respect and would have ended the evening respecting herself. It’s not difficult to set boundaries; the hard part is enforcing them. The hardest word in keeping your boundaries is saying ‘No!’. By saying ‘no’ you are letting others know that you and only you are in control! Boundaries in dating are so fundamentally important to creating strong healthy relationships… They will help you determine if you should stay in a relationship – or not. Having your boundaries respected will help you determine if the person you’re dating truly respects you.

In the next few weeks I will be sharing my thoughts on setting boundaries and the consequences that should follow if the boundaries are violated.

Do you have difficulty telling people ‘no’? Are you tired of letting people walk all over you? Does your spouse need to know your boundaries? Do your kids need boundaries? Do your co-workers need boundaries? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you need to call Dr. Mike today.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

Most of you may not be old enough to have watched “The Bob Newhart Show” that aired from 1972 through 1978. It was a very funny show because of, well, Bob Newhart! He played a mild-mannered psychologist that used basic, common sense to solve many of the problems his clients brought to him to resolve. It’s the same common sense that is lacking in today’s society. In one of his last shows he counsels a woman who has a fear of being buried alive in a box. After a few minutes sharing her fear and anxiety, he sits back in his chair and advises her to “stop it!” She asks him, “So I should just ‘stop it’?” “Yes”! He replied! “JUST STOP IT!”

Imagine how freeing it would be if we could just stop doing or thinking things that are self-destructive or destroy the lives of others. How easily can we just stop certain behaviors? Over the years I have seen many people who really didn’t need my counseling and coaching services…they just needed to “stop it.

I’m reminded of the woman who allowed her dog to “take care of his business” on her neighbor’s lawn. Of course, her neighbor wasn’t real happy about it! He repeatedly asked my client to “stop it” and keep her dog from running lose in the neighborhood. My client insisted that the dog’s feces was biodegradable so there should be no concern! That’s when she called me wanting help solving a dispute between her and her neighbor. I asked her a few simple questions and learned that in her mind, it was not a big deal and carried on for several minutes with excuse after excuse! All she needed to do was “stop it”!

Folks, it’s called common sense! If you’re doing something that offends a family member, a friend, or a co-worker then “stop it”. Talk to the person you have offended then figure out what you need to do to “stop it”! We don’t want to repeat destructive behaviors and then wonder why people don’t like us. It’s really a very simple fix!

How many people do we know continually get involved in unhealthy relationships?   They keep repeating the same old bad habits and fall for the same type of person. Ever just want to say “stop it”? Stop dating bad people. Just stop it! If you’re dating someone you know is not good for you, leave the relationship! End it! And don’t make the same mistake twice!

If you’re in a job that is a dead-end and there is no way of advancing, then why stay in that job? Start looking for another job. Don’t stay with a job that will keep you from becoming all you can be. “Just stop it.” Find a job that you will love and can grow in. Take that leap of faith and jump into the job market.

If you feel that people are taking advantage of you, say, “stop it”. Let them know you will no longer take it. Stand up for yourself! Your friends and co-workers will respect you! It’s perfectly OK to say “no.” When I say “stop it,” I will not allow any situation to control me or make me feel bad. It’s about having boundaries that I can live by. If you feel someone is taking advantage of you, then by all means, say “stop it”. Take back your life and get back into the game of finding your freedom.

Getting the Last Word

“I told you I was right! I warned you to slow down and you got a ticket! Ha! So there!” he sarcastically said. “Maybe if you would fix the car you bozo, I wouldn’t have to floor it make it over the hill! It’s your fault I got that ticket inthe first place.” She screamed back! “What? Are you serious? You are blaming me for YOUR ticket? Get real!” he said as he laughed at her. “Like I said, it’s your fault I got the ticket! Deal with it”, said angrily said as she drove towards home.

This, my friends, is a great example of getting the last word! It’s not flattering of either person, but rather a poor way to communicate and cause more trouble down the road.

Word fights are the worst. We have all done it plenty of times! We might think getting the last word in an argument is supposed to make us feel better. Well it doesn’t for me and I have a hunch many of us feel crummy about it afterwards. I have found that when the words fly past my lips it feels great for the moment, but once I have said them it’s too late to take them back. I look into the face of the person I have just wounded and it hurts me to the core. I ask myself, “Why in the world did I say that? What was I thinking? I knew it would hurt them.” Since those days of long ago, I have learned a great lesson – keep my lips sealed and not insist I get the last word in. I don’t need to win that way.

Years ago, I had a client in my office that fought dirty. He wouldn’t let his wife get a word in edge-wise. She would try but he would constantly interrupt her. He thought that brow beating her into submission would shut her up. Well, it didn’t work and he got served divorce papers. He just couldn’t understand why she would do such a thing! His friends told him that he treated his wife with disrespect and would someday leave him. As he and his wife stood before the judge, those words echoed from his friends. Although he loved her, cared for her and was committed to the marriage she had had enough!

His attitude about winning the verbal confrontation was the downfall to his marriage. In his mind it was more important to win the fight than save his marriage. Friends, this happens in many marriages. For some people in a difficult marriage, they think they have to be the winner in an argument. What we forget at times is that our spouse is supposed to be our best friend and they need to be treated that way. If we could just a moment to think about what we’re going to say in a heated argument, many relationships could be salvaged and/or restored. I ask my clients why they feel they need to get the last word in and what they think would happen if they just backed away and kept the peace? I personally would have to say fewer people would be contacting me for divorce counseling and coaching. I want marriages to succeed.

The way I see it, you don’t have to get the last word in an argument. If you have a bad habit of doing this then by all means just stop it! Discuss your concerns and don’t end your disagreement by having the last word or being the one who is right or winner. You both can be winners when you fight fairly. Listen to your partner and don’t be critical in your disagreement with them. Speak truthfully with kindness and love.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

“Boundaries? I have no clue what those are and why I need them,” said the older woman as she shared her thoughts. “Well, for starters,” I added, “You have adult children who have been taking advantage of you. You do realize that, don’t you?” “Well, yes I know, but I can’t let them live on the streets can I”, she asked. “No, you don’t, but you can prepare them for taking care of themselves down the road and that’s what you should be doing.” She looked at me for several seconds then agreed.

Boundaries are important for establishing personal ground rules to avoid fights and arguments with the people you care about. Actually, boundaries help you keep your rules enforced. Wise parents place boundaries on their young children to protect them from harm. Remember these? “Don’t cross the street without looking! Keep your fingers away from the burners on the stove! Make sure you tell mom or dad where you are going!” We learned at an early age that if these boundaries were crossed then we faced the consequences. As children get older and approach their teens the rules change and so do the boundaries. A few examples: “Son, I want you to keep your room clean which means you don’t throw everything in your closet!” Be home by 8:00 PM! It’s a school night.” “I don’t want you hanging around that neighbor kid – he’s a trouble maker.” Throughout their growing up years it’s important to keep boundaries in place and make them age-appropriate.

Over the years I have learned that as we get older we tend to lose our focus and forget our own boundaries. I see it all the time in my practice. Many adults cannot set boundaries for themselves. It happens in work relationships, marriages, with close friends, etc. Following are a few examples I help people with:

1.    An adult child keeps asking their senior parents for money to pay for cell phone bills, rent, car payments, and food. Why should you pay for their living expenses? How do you feel about paying for their personal expenses? Probably not very good. You don’t want to hurt their feelings so you keep writing checks or giving them cash. They are breaking the bank and you are probably paying their bills from your retirement funds. If this is a problem for you, it’s time to set up some boundaries for them and yourself.

2.    You are in a marriage that you feel taken advantage of. Your spouse leaves all the housework to you. You work full time and are taking care of the kids plus making all the meals. Does this seem fair to you? Of course not but you are afraid to confront your spouse. You ask for help with some of the household chores and your spouse says he will help but never does.

3. You want help in determining how the money is being spent on expenses for the home. You ask your spouse to sit down with you and go over the bills but they rather use the credit card and not hear about the bills. What do you do and how do you set boundaries to bring peace to yourself and the home?

Boundaries in marriage are key to preventing all kinds of problems. They are simple to set up if both of you are willing to be honest and put them into place.

Make sure you share with your spouse the needs you have and why! What areas are off limits to your spouse? If you need 8 hours of sleep and your husband or wife turns on the TV to watch the late night news and you are trying to sleep tell them that is a boundary that cannot be crossed. Another boundary is the way you spend your money. Do you have an agreement with your husband or wife that you will check in with them if any item is over a certain amount? That may one of your boundaries that you both agree on. I had a client who liked to BBQ. The grill they owned was beat up and old. He was at Home Depot picking up some lumber and walked past the grills. He stopped, took a look at one, and without calling her spent $600 and brought it home. The fight over that purchased almost ended their marriage!

Let’s say you have a co-worker who dumps extra work on you but you see them spending a lot of time at the water cooler talking to co-workers about last nights baseball game. They ask you for the “favor of a lifetime” and plead for your help. Or the boss has a favorite employee that never get’s their work done and she asks you to help him catch up. What do you do? You may have a boss who is verbally abusive towards you. They may insult your intelligence with name calling and insults. You drive home a mess – shaking at the steering wheel, crying and swearing to yourself that you will never allow your boss to abuse you like that ever again, yet it happens again and again!

When you feel that you’re being taken advantage of, that’s when you set boundaries for yourself. Boundaries are key to keeping things under control in your life. It’s how you let people know that you will not allow them to step on your toes. Boundaries keep us from having lingering anger towards someone who is violating our “line in the sand”. It’s ok to have boundaries with the people we come into contact with. So, how do we set up boundaries and make them stick?

Write them down and who they will affect.
Know why they need boundaries.
What are the consequences if they violate your boundaries?
Sit down with the person or persons and explain why you need to have boundaries with them.
Let them ask questions so they understand why you need them.
If you’re setting boundaries with your spouse, be sensitive with them. Slamming them with your demands never works. Explain why they are important with you. Get their feedback.
These suggestions are for starters. Sit down and talk. They will help you open up and get you headed in the right direction

If you need help in setting boundaries, and are wondering what yours should be, contact Dr. Mike and he can help you.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.