Can You Save Your Marriage Alone?

Last week we talked about how avoiding meaningful conversations with your spouse can hinder your marriage in many ways. This week we will be learning ways of fixing some of the obvious problems that have been created by you or your spouse.

As I mentioned in last week’s article, I had been driving in the rain thinking about my marital situation. When I arrived at the parking lot, the rain was coming down in sheets. As I sat in my truck, I stared across the parking lot watching the heavy rain fall along with the orange, red and yellow oak leaves. It was at that point that I realized how much I really missed my wife and daughter. I looked across the practice field and could see the kids racing between in and out of the rain. Something was tugging at my heart. An excitement started to build within me.

That’s when I began to wonder if I could fix my marriage. I knew it would take hard work and I would need to change the behaviors that were destroying my marriage. I thought about the areas I was failing in my marriage and finally saw how self-centered I was. I knew I was a jerk to live with. I was uncaring, uncompassionate, distant, and lived my life as though it was all about me. I rarely shared my life with my wife. I realized my parents were not good role models for me and now I was repeating some of the same devastating patterns that nearly broke my parent’s marriage apart.

When I got home that night, I made a list of the mistakes I was making…not my wife’s, but mine. I spent several days compiling the list and even though there were some ugly items on it, I could see why my wife left me. I didn’t blame her at all. I gave her all the ammunition she needed to file for divorce. Some of my problems were embedded in my upbringing and I knew they were not going to be easy to change. It would take some real work and effort on my part, but as I looked at my list, I was dedicated to working on the glaring issues that caused my wife so much pain.

One of the first things I did was to call my close friends and ask them to be brutally honest with me. I told them to hold nothing back when they shared their thoughts about my character flaws. At first they were unsure of what I was asking for. I explained to them I was trying to fix my marriage and needed their help in looking at what kind of person I was. They were reluctant at first, but realized how important this was to me. They shared what they viewed were my weaknesses and flaws. Next, I called my wife who was very hesitant to say anything. She told me it was too late and that she had moved on. That, my friends, was a huge blow to my ego. I didn’t argue with her. I was working on the new me and would keep making the necessary changes even if it meant walking away from an argument.

The insights that my friends shared with me gave me plenty to work on. Following are a few of the things I learned:

•    I was never home to spend time with my family because I was always playing softball or hunting.
•    I couldn’t say “NO” to friends but never found time for my wife or daughter.
•    I never did things with my wife. My friends commented that they never saw the two of us out together.
•    I was always with friends and seldom with her.

I knew my friends were right as painful as it was to hear, I knew all of it was true. These were personal issues and they needed to be addressed. So how was I going to fix these problems? I knew that I would have to spend time with my daughter even though my wife didn’t have any desire to work things out with me. That may be the case for many of my readers. You slowly have to win your spouse back. I did things with my daughter including hikes, planting trees, and shopping. When I asked my daughter what she wanted, she always asked me to read to her, tell her stories, and make popcorn for her. In fact, I had a list that was three pages long. I added items of interest to her list each time we got together. My wife saw the changes and she commented on them. She even noticed I was spending less time with friends and more time with our daughter. I took her to my ball games, then, afterwards we would spend time at the park. I was getting to know my daughter all over again. At times, I felt utterly helpless trying to regain my role as her father, but I persevered.

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/
Dr. Mike also has a new website devoted to those who are considering divorce or are going through a divorce. You can find it at: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/

I get several calls a week with clients asking me if they can save their marriage when their spouse is unwilling or uninterested in doing their part to salvage the relationship. I tell them they can save it if they are willing to do a lot of hard work and never guarantee they will get the results they’re hoping for, but I know of many clients who have saved their marriage alone. When a client comes to me for counseling and coaching I sit down with them and help them through the step-by-step process of saving their marriage. I am going to share with you what you need to do for yourself and your spouse if you are, indeed, willing to do the hard work. I have seen the most difficult relationship where the couple literally hated each other, fix their marriage and become best friends again. If you’re willing to put your pride aside and make some tough commitments, anything can happen.

As I headed to football practice as a high school football coach that October afternoon, there was a steady rain that reminded me that my life was in a mess. The wipers were on as I turned on the defrost to keep the windshield from fogging up. The cold rain matched my feelings towards life in general: gloomy, dark, sad and cold. I turned on the radio to drown out the noise from the wipers. As I drove, my mind raced to happier times, the few of them that I had.

One of those happier times was with my daughter when we were feeding the ducks at the park. She was 7 and full of life and wonderment. I was just starting to realize that I was a father, her father, and wondered why it took so long for me to figure that out. Looking back, my wife was probably wondering that too!

Over the years, it was slow at first, the distance that grew between my wife and me. We talked less and avoided being in the same room. She would watch TV upstairs and I would watch it in the den. I would run errands in town and found myself taking my time coming home. She would visit friends and stay for dinner and a movie just to avoid coming home. We are living in our own world. I felt safe in mine and afraid of hers. Soon we became comfortable in that day-to-day routine. I didn’t miss her and she didn’t miss me.

Looking back I tried to remember where I began to make the mistakes my marriage and as difficult as it was to face, I realized I had made plenty of them. The major ones came to light first. I remember being so involved with sports that I played ball 5 nights a week and was in tournaments on the weekends. I was never home. And to make things worse, I wasn’t good a communicating with her. I never put my wife first. I always put others first. If a phone call came, I would go rescue or help anyone in need just to get out of the house. When she had needs, I always put more importance over my needs. As you can see, I wasn’t a good husband. I was in my late twenties and very self-centered.

When I was served with divorce papers my world came crashing down around me. Prior to getting served, my wife was asking my friends if they would talk to me about working on our marriage. Each person she talked to said “no way!” They were doing the same thing I was doing to my wife – living separate lives while being married. Most of those guys are divorced now and on second and third marriages. And most of those guys were being unfaithful to their wives and wanted nothing to do with talking to me about my marriage. Besides, I was married to my sports but never realizing that I was. As you can see, I probably represent many men whose wives are considering divorce. I hope you can learn from my mistakes, if you can, you can probably save your marriage.

In next week’s article there will be some steps in correcting some of the things you’re doing that will help heal your relationship. If you have any questions please feel free to give me a call.

Have you ever wondered why it seems like a rain cloud hangs over your head as you go through your “wilderness” experience? Have you ever wondered, as you lie in bed at night, where you can find help? I think we all can say we have been through the wilderness experience.

I often hear men and women in my practice wonder why they are stuck in life. If you are a student of the Bible you have probably read about Moses and his wilderness experience. He wandered through the desert for 40 years. Can you imagine that? As the leader of the Israelites, he also had to endure all the complaints about his leadership abilities.

What is the best way to deal with the wilderness experience? The first step is to determine what direction are you heading and is it really the direction you want to go? Once you have determined your final destination, you’ll want to find out the road conditions or struggles that may affect your travel plans. Many of us have a tendency to stay in one place and not move an inch only because we do not have a game plan for the next step. Will may sit out in the rain or storms of life and have no clue as to how to take the proper steps to get out of the desert. Does this sound familiar to you?

I hear many stories where people feel isolated and alone and they struggle trying to make sense of it all. Are you alone because of your actions or inactions? Are you alone because you have chosen to isolate yourself? These are probably the most common reasons for the wilderness experience. A recent client told me that when her husband passed away, she got plenty of attention until the day after the funeral. She said the calls stopped and people didn’t stop by the house. She felt all alone. I asked her if she did anything to connect with her friends and family. “Well, no I didn’t” she replied. I then asked her if she thought people where just trying to be careful not to intrude on her grieving time and were concerned they might be bothering her and wanted to leave her alone. I didn’t want to appear heartless, but kept asking her questions. I asked her if she thought it would be possible to reach out and invite a friend or neighbor over for a cup of coffee and conversation. I think people back off because they are afraid that they won’t know what to say.

A key to getting out of the wilderness experience is to not wait for things to come to you. You need to go to the source of comfort and peace. When life throws you a curve ball, reach out to your family and friends. Invite them to your home. You cannot live a life of isolation. That will never work!

The wilderness experience can last forever if you allow it to. To make things happen in your life, you have to go after life changing events. If you lose your job, don’t sit around and wait for a job to come to you. Start looking for work immediately. If you end an important relationship, don’t sit around and have a prolonged pity party. Go out, meet people and enjoy new friends. We have to make things happen in order to enjoy this life God gave us. I ask my clients who are having a wilderness experience this question, “Do you control your brain or does your brain control you?” A simple but thought provoking question.

Here are a few suggestions for taking control of your life when the wilderness experience happens.
•    Evaluate your position. Ask yourself how you ended up in the wilderness.
•    List the changes you need to make.
•    Don’t wait for someone to help you. Do what you need to do to get out of the wilderness.
•    Get involved in the lives of others. Go out for dinner or a movie and make new friends.
•    Invite people over and help others who are in need.
•    Don’t wait for friends and family to call you! Make phone calls to loved ones and good friends. It will lift your spirit!
•    Reconnect with old friends.

The point I want to share with you today is, don’t wait for people to come to you. Your family and friends may not realize what you are dealing with. They don’t understand. Remember, they can’t read your mind. If they could they would be there for you if they knew your needs. So reach out to them and express your feelings. That’s how we connect with hurting and lonely people who are living through the wilderness experience. Don’t delay! If you’re wandering and need a friend to walk with you during this time reach out and let them know you want some company while you get out of the wilderness.

Try some of these suggestions. I promise they will help! I have had a wilderness experience and I know first had that it’s no fun. But if there’s anything you glean out of today’s article, please remember…there will be brighter days ahead. I promise.

The video clip shown on the national news the morning of July 20th of people running out of the movie theater seemed like a clip out of a horror film. The blood spattered clothes, the running and screaming people that the cell phone cameras picked up was both reality and terror combined. When I found out it happened in my own state of Colorado, a collage of mind rendering video began to replay itself of past and awful events.

The horrific images of Columbine High School raced in my mind’s eye while watching the Aurora events unfold on television. I said to myself, “What is going on with these people who have to kill people who are minding their own business?” The video in my mind began to blend together – the students running out of Columbine;  students running out of Platte Canyon High School in Bailey and now the Century theater in Aurora. All this at 5:00 a.m. on a Friday morning. I flipped from station to station not believing what I was seeing! The images forever embedded in my brain.

The death of Colorado’s peaceful image began on April 20, 1999 when Columbine High School students Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold planned to murder hundreds of students. They ultimately killed 12 students and 1 teacher and wounded 21 other students, and then each committed suicide. I can recall so very well the images of students running out of school in single file with hands held high into the air while the police had guns drawn looking at each student that passed by, as seen from the camera on a news helicopter overhead. The day was cloudy and fit the mood of our state and the nation. The news media began reporting the events while the nation looked on. My phone began to ring with friends and family asking how close the school was to our home. The news was slow in coming, and many waited anxiously by their televisions for any news. The news got worse and worse as the day progressed. None of us slept well that night.

I visited Columbine High school the following day. As expected, it busy with local and national news trucks, reporters and hundreds of people milling about. All of Colorado was in a state of shock. We mourned, wept, held and consoled each other while the nation watched and prayed for us. Those were dark days for Colorado and the nation.

Then several years later on September 27, 2006 Colorado had another tragic event happen, this time in the small mountain town of Bailey, Colorado. Fifty-three year old Duane Morrison entered Platte Canyon High School carrying a .40-caliber Glock and a back pack he claimed was filled with explosives. Morrison took 6 high school girls hostage. After several hours he released 4 of them. When the police broke into classroom to confront Morrison, he shot Emily Keyes in the head and then committed suicide.

How well I remember that awful day. I was one of the few photographers stationed with the other major news media outlets, CNN, ABC, NBC, FOX news who were stationed at the middle school in Bailey waiting for the bus loads of children to return from High School. Along with the press were hundreds of parents, family, friends, teachers, school officials, police, and deputy sheriffs, waiting for the students to exit off the bus. I wept tears of joy as I took pictures of kids reuniting with their parents. Parents wept, children wept, even seasoned news reporters wept. Word spread that one student was shot and was flown to Denver in critical condition. After returning home, I turned on the news to learn that Emily Keyes had died from a gunshot wound. I just stared at the television screen in silence.

This time it was a different time, a different room, a different day…yet, now I was focused on watching people running for their lives from a killer in a theater in Aurora, Colorado. I made a promise to myself after the Platte Canyon shooting that I would never again photograph such pain and suffering. It was too much to bear and caused many a sleepless night. I couldn’t forget the faces of parents weeping, the faces of children in shock, and the faces of the police who could do nothing after Emily Keyes death. Has Colorado lost her innocence? In some ways yes, but not due to the majority of peaceful people who grace this beautiful state. But from those whose intent is to rob us of our eternal peace from within. They want to suffocate us with fear, death, terror, and use terror to make it happen.

I, for one, am sick of what people are saying about us and our state. “What’s in the water of Colorado?” many have asked. “Colorado is becoming a gang state” said another. I love Colorado and all it has to offer. I love the people, the cities, towns, the mountains, the views and the wildlife. That’s one of the reasons I moved here. This is my promise to you who live in Colorado:  I will invite family and friends out to colorful Colorado. I will take them to local restaurants, to local gift shops and will show them the views of Colorado they will never forget. I will introduce them to you my fellow Coloradoans, my neighbors, friends, and let them judge for themselves. We who live here are good and decent people. Let’s uplift and encourage each other each and every day.

How to regain your sanity while going through a divorce

I get several calls a week from folks asking me for help with their divorce. The stress that goes along with a trial separation and divorce can be overwhelming at times. Many feel they are going to lose their sanity at times whileothers seem to sail right through the divorce process and then suffer with the emotional fallout in the end. How do you manage your life during the divorce process?

When your world is crashing around you and your life seems out of control, what can you do? I recommend you take a time out even if it’s for 15 minutes. Put your mind at rest, stop with the paper work, turn off the phone, turn off the TV or radio then sit back close your eyes and relax. Once you have taken a few minutes to relax you can then refocus and set your priorities. Many times my clients get bogged down on insignificant issues that take valuable time away from the real issues.

To regain your sanity I recommend the following:
1.    Prioritize by date. Make a list of things that have to be done in a certain time period.
2.    Have all the necessary paper work separated in individual files (taxes, bills, credit card receipts, bank statements, retirement plans.)  
3.    Make an itemized list of your expenses.
4.    Don’t wait till the last minute to get things done. Plan well in advance and stick with a due date to complete action items.

People get themselves into trouble when they wait until the last minute to fill out paper work, procrastinate making phone calls to obtain critical information and some even avoid turning in proper paper work to the courts and lawyers. I see this a great deal with divorce cases and it causes undue stress!

Another area where you can help yourself is to avoid poking your soon-to-be-ex in the eye. It’s important to avoid all arguments and disagreements if possible. Arguing only creates division in your divorce. If you need help settling disputes make sure you have the issues written down and contact a mediator to help resolve the problems. The less stress that you put on yourself the better you will feel will ultimately be able to communicate your wishes in a calm and orderly fashion.

Avoid the temptation of holding grudges! Just let it go. You don’t need to bring up the past to prove your point. I have seen more clients end up paying huge lawyer fees because of unending bickering. Stop fighting with each other and stop making unreasonable requests. Be as agreeable as you can. Yes, divorce is traumatic to everyone involved and that includes you your ex and your children.

I am reminded of a couple that I counseled that literally fought over a gravy bowl! One claimed that her grandmother had given it to her as an heirloom and she wasn’t going to budge an inch! That gravy bowl issue was an expensive part of the divorce. The lawyers were brought in and the matter had to be settled in court. Even the judge was angry about it. Does this happen in divorces? Yes it does!

In my opinion its best to do everything you can to maintain your sanity at all cost. Be prepared for whatever may come. Plan ahead and stay the course. After all, peace in your life is your goal so why not start now!

“Are you sure we are headed the right way?” the husband asked his wife. “I told you the GPS never fails! It’s always right!” she responded. They were lost in Omaha and miles away from getting back on track. He reminded her that they were to be headed east and not north. “Just follow the GPS,” she said. “It will get us home.” So together they followed the instructions from the GPS and drove north 20 miles only to rerouted back south to the road they just traveled on. He was frustrated not only at the GPS but with her for trusting the GPS and not his intuition.

When a GPS works correctly it can be a great tool to have. I use them when looking for an unfamiliar address. Friends of mine use them when they fish or are on their ATVs. They are great for hikers and road trips. That’s when they work and 99.9% they work just fine. But what about the .1% when they don’t? I was on a trip up in Minnesota recently and was 40 miles north of Minneapolis. My GPS said to exit off the major road and onto a side road. The signs over the highway were clearly marked “To Minneapolis” the other read “To Saint Paul”. Yet my GPS was telling me to exit off the road and into a little town. I had time to kill so I wanted to see where my GPS would take me.

The detour off the main highway took me 30 minutes out of the way and 12 miles off course. It finally got me back on the main road but it was definitely not a time saver. I learned a valuable lesson that afternoon. I had time to think about my personal GPS – the one inside of me – the one that guides me and keeps me on the road I need to travel. Have you ever thought about your future and how your internal GPS you will get there? Let’s face it, when we plan a trip we look at maps, search the web for good directions and even program a starting address to an ending address. We should put as much thought and preparation into planning our day, week month and year.

My suggestion is this, when your feet hit the floor plan your day before you leave the house. Make sure you have a productive day planned. Where people get into trouble is when they have nothing planned and wait for things to happen. Who guides you? Who controls you? Part of owning and operating a GPS is that you have to input a “go to address”. That could be the start of your day. Have a list of things that must be done that day. Include appointments and people you need to see. Make a point of staying away from anyone who has a negative influence on you. My personal GPS keeps me away from roads that can cause me harm, or take me away from the things I know are right or wrong. Is your personal GPS programmed that way? If not then you better start looking to program your personal GPS to find the right roads to go down.

How does one program their personal GPS if it needs to be recalibrated? I suggest  the following:

Detour the places you shouldn’t be going to. Places that get you into trouble. Places that cause your grief and trouble. Places that bring up bad memories.

Hazards. These are possible events that should make you slow down and think before going full speed ahead. This could include all kinds of unhealthy people from your family, friends or co-workers. If they stress you out, there is a reason to slow down and look at why you feel the way you do about these people.

Know your starting point and your ending point. Make sure that you know the proper address before entering it into your personal GPS. This includes the place you’ve entered into the GPS, a well known address:  meaning person or place. Is it a safe route, one that others have traveled down without danger or fear? Is this person or place good for you or the loved ones in your life?

These are just a few cautions I have laid out for you. Always make sure that your personal GPS keeps you safe along life’s roads. If the trip you’re on in this life is unsafe, then by all means turn around and head back home. Some of the people I know who have no personal GPS are miserable and in trouble. They ask, “How can you be so calm in life’s storms?” It’s pretty simple:  Stay the course of your personal GPS. If your intuition tells you something is not right then don’t go down that road! The choice is yours.

Is your personal GPS out of whack? Do you need help in finding the right course for your life? Do you distracted when making personal goals for yourself? Do you get confused when trying to make necessary changes for yourself? If you answered yes to any of these questions call Dr. Mike for an appointment today.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

When is the last time you can remember someone asking to borrow $20? I knew a guy who was always asking for money. He constantly complained that  he did not have enough money for gas and food, yet he always had money to have his dog groomed and bought his dog expensive food. His constant requests for money drove me crazy!

I love watching Judge Judy. She’s spot on most of the time! One of her favorite expressions is “If someone asks you for money, give it as a gift because most likely you will never get it back. Be sure to tell them it’s a one-time gift.” I agree with that statement.

A few years ago a family member contacted me who was in need of money for his medications. I was more than willing to help him out. I also remember him telling me that he would pay me back within two weeks. I wired the money and then waited for him to repay it. A month later he called but never mentioned the money I loaned him. A year later he called again asking for money. This time I told him I couldn’t help him and reminded him of how important it is that we keep our word and that since he never repaid what he originally borrowed, I could not honor his request. I also told him he didn’t need to repay the original loan and could consider it a one-time gift.

We certainly need boundaries regarding our finances and money we loan. You are not a bank, or for that matter, Fort Knox! What we need to understand that once you loan friends or family money, it is highly likely the friendship will come to an end. That’s the cold hard fact. You have to decide if you’re willing to lose a friendship over loaning someone money.

Do you have boundaries established in the case that someone comes to you for a loan? If you loaned someone money in the past and they never paid you back and you had a chance to do things over, how would you handle it now? Would you loan them the money? Would you have stipulations in loaning them money? Would you have had them sign a legal binding contract? What would change?

The first question you have to ask yourself is whether you can afford to loan money? If you have to use money that is meant for paying your bills then you are certainly not in a position to loan or gift the money. If it’s money set aside for food or insurance, again I would say do not loan your money! When you loan money just plan never to get it back. I have seen the best of friends part ways because of unpaid loans. I have seen them in court as well. Plan to have an answer if someone you know comes to you and asks for money. Don’t be caught off guard and give away money you can’t afford to give away. Saying no may save a friendship in the long run.

Loaning money has caused many a divorce. I have seen one spouse loan money without consulting with the other spouse. When the unsuspecting spouse finds out why is money missing out of a joint account there is trouble in paradise. Protect your money! Hard times are a coming.

We all struggle with boundaries. Do you need help setting up your boundaries? Do you have difficulty telling people ‘no’ when they ask you for money? Are you tired of letting people walk all over you? Does your spouse, children or co-workers need to know your boundaries? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you need to call Dr. Mike today.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.