We continue this week with how to save and rebuild a hurting or broken relationship. If this is something you want to do and need help in learning the process of fixing your relationship, then this week’s article will give you practical advice to make it happen.

Listening is probably one of the hardest things we do. We try to listen, but we start figuring out how to respond to what is being said. Couples fail miserably on this and have a hard time remembering what was being said. Take notes while you listen to your partner, and respond accordingly. Repeat often when you don’t understand what was said. Don’t pretend to understand when you don’t?

Trust Do you trust your spouse with your children, your life and your money? If you’re not sure, then that is a red flag. Trust is crucial in making or breaking a relationship. If it’s just not there, then a lot of energy in repairing your relationship will be needed. I hear this more than I care to, but if trust is not in your relationship then you will not advance on to the next stage of fixing your problems. Most likely your relationship will end if there is no trust.

A caring attitude is another important ingredient in fixing your relationship. Caring people open themselves up to help and are willing to go the extra mile to let you know that they care for you. I watched my dad take care of my mother who had cancer. He was in the army for 37 years and was a WWII, Korean, and Viet Nam vet. He was a tough military man but the care he gave my mother during her illness was amazing. He showed me by his actions what it meant to care for someone.

Forgiveness is very important in healing a broken or hurting relationship. We all make mistakes and hurt the ones we love. I have had countless couples pretend that they have forgiven one another and yet still carry a grudge. Your anger can show up at the worst times of your life and bitterness, like cancer, can destroy your relationship. You have to let go of the things that hurt you and move forward to heal a relationship. Yes, there are certain things people just can’t let go of. I understand that; however, don’t wear it like a red badge of honor! How many times have you been so angry you felt you could never forgive the person who offended you? In all honesty, we all have been there. In a healthy relationship we need to let go of the wrongs done to us. That’s where sitting down and talking about hurts can often prevent unforgiveness. Remember, forgiving someone is done for your benefit as well as the person you want to forgive. You’re letting go of a hurt that you should no longer carry. So a healthy relationship needs forgiveness as one of the foundations for growing and repairing your relationship.

Understanding one another’s emotions is also a part of the equation. Sure, we all get stressed out when we don’t completely understand mood swings, or we have misunderstandings through poor communication. The key to resolving most problems is simply taking some time and to figure out what the misunderstanding is. We need to try to understand each other and talk through the problem. I watched a couple argue in a grocery store over a bag of potato chips a while back. He carried a bag of potato chips to the cart and dropped them in the cart. She picked them up looked at them and handed the chips back to him and said, “I want the vinegar salted chips.” He responded by telling her he hated vinegar chips. That’s when the arguing began. She wanted her kind and he wanted his. This could have been easily settled by each having their own kind of chips. Understanding requires that you listen and communicate your needs. Give and take works well if you’re willing to compromise.

Physical attraction and chemistry is very important in a healthy relationship. I believe this part of a relationship happens in the very beginning. You may see someone who you’re attracted to by the way they laugh or smile. It might be the way they carry themselves with confidence when talking with you. It could be the color of their hair or their build. No matter what it is, it seems to get you to notice them. I have friends who are athletes who are attracted to people who work out by biking, hiking, or skiing. Don’t just go out with someone (I am talking to the older crowd here) because they have their own teeth or hair! Not a good idea! Just go with your gut feeling when you see someone that you may want to get to know.

I have learned these attributes over the years and found them to be very important. You may have some that you could add to this list. If you need advice on how to fix a hurting or broken relationship then call Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. I hope these tips have helped you take the next step in repairing your relationship.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

As a college student, I worked the early shift at UPS unloading 40 foot trailers, as a part time employee. I had a supervisor who was constantly yelling at the pre-loaders (those who load the brown package cars that you see driving in your neighborhood) and the unloaders in the big trailers. He didn’t get along with any of the morning workers and just wanted to make life miserable for everyone. He had many grievances filed against him on a weekly basis. He would often come into the trailer just looking for an argument. He would yell at me and my co-worker about the amount of packages that came down the rollers in the center of the trailer, and yet we were the best unloaders in the state of Wisconsin.

After weeks of hearing most of the unloading and pre-loading crew complain about this man, I decided it was time to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. I took note that he was new to our center and that the other supervisors avoided him. I started talking with him about baseball and football which he seemed to respond to that. Each week he would talk to me and gradually started to open up and after a time, he yelled less at me and my co-worker. A few weeks later during a morning break, he sat down and he asked if we could talk. I said that would be great so we set up a meeting for the following Saturday morning. In just two hours, I learned a great deal about my new friend. He was having marital problems and had no one to talk to. His wife was keeping his children from him and his mother was ill and lived 200 away. I listened to him spill his heart, then I asked a few questions, which then he really opened up. We became good friends until he passed away a few years back. My point is, communication opens doors. It can heal relationships. We must learn to be a good listener and know when to speak. Very few of us know how to do that. It’s learned through developing honest, sincere and open relationships and knowing how to listen.

One of the keys to success in maintaining a healthy relationship is communication. When I counsel people I tell them that they need to be open about trust, finances, needs and desires, and to be able to open up and talk about sensitive topics. I see many in my office who are embarrassed talking about sex, money, physical problems, and act as if nothing is wrong, yet they are dying inside and want to talk about some of these issues. If your relationship is in trouble, then ask for help. Usually a neutral person can help you get your relationship back on track.

How do you fix or repair your relationship that is unhealthy and isn’t working? If you plan to do it on your own, then you set up a game plan that’s going to address some of the problems you are having. If you’re not able to sit down face-to-face because you don’t know how to bring up problems in your relationship, then call me and I can help you sort through the problems and issues and get some answers and resolution to help repair your relationship.

A good working relationship has many aspects to it.

• Love
• Communication
• Listening
• Trust
• Caring
• Forgiveness
• Understanding
• Physically attraction

Love is very important for any relationship to grow. Without it you will go nowhere. Love is expressed in words and actions. How do you rate yourself when it comes to showing love outside of sexual intimacy? Do you go the extra mile to make the person you love know it? How do you show it? How do you speak it?

Communication. How are your communication skills? Can you talk about anything and everything? If you have certain needs, can you express those needs and not sound like you’re demanding them? Remember, talking to each other is key to having a healthy relationship. If you’re having problems communicating, I can help you learn those skills.

Next week we will be continuing with the series, “OK, my relationship isn’t working. Now what?” I have learned these skills over the years and have found them to be very important. You may have some that you could add to this list. If you need advice on how to fix a hurting or broken relationship then call Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. I hope these tips have helped you in taking the next step in repairing your relationship.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

I sat across the table from a friend of mine over lunch today. We were reminiscing about the good old days when we had no major concerns in high school, no bills, no car payments, and for the most part, life was good. Then we started talking about how busy our lives are today and where life taking us.

As an adult we try to find ways to bring us happiness. It might be through our children, grandchildren, money in the bank, our home or even our extended family. Let’s look at an entirely different way of being content. For example, while I was at the restaurant with my friend, we were watching a football game, and quite honestly, I really had no interest in the game, but rather spent my time watching other people laughing and enjoying themselves. It made me smile. I was caught up in a rare moment of enjoying my surroundings. The food I had ordered tasted great and my ginger ale was cold and refreshing. Looking outside I paused for a moment to take in the incredible views of the mountains and Colorado’s crystal clear blue skies. To top it off, I could hear country artists, Brooks and Dunn, playing in the background. Yes, looking back, I remember that afternoon so well.

Do you observe those places of contentment? Do you remember them from years gone by? Do you seek a place of contentment? Places of contentment are a place to call your own. My place of contentment is a 30 minute drive from my office. It’s a place I can rest my weary mind and tired body and a familiar place where the water dances with the rocks and the stream is as clear as I’ve ever seen. In the spring, the grass is green, the smell of wild roses fill the air and I can hear the birds singing near and far. I take a blanket and sit down by the stream and let nature console me. I need no entertainment from a radio, or a human voice. The sights, sounds, smells, and the gentle breeze calm me. Do you have a place like this where you can go for much needed rest?

If you don’t, you need to find your own. The only distraction that comes my way is trying to rest my busy mind. Eventually, I find myself allowing my mind to wander to beautiful places.

What can finding places of contentment do for you?

Gives you a much needed mental break.
Gives you something to look forward.
Gives you time to think.
Gives you time to be honest with yourself and plan out some of your goals.
Gives you time to leave the stress of life behind, even if it’s only for a few hours.
Clear your head.
I suggest places of contentment that are connected with nature including mountains, the beach, parks, etc. Remember, this time is for you and you alone. So find a quiet place that only you know about.

A recent client of mine was sharing the details of his chaotic life. His wife was ill and he was overwhelmed with work and taking care of his children. He was in a tail spin. He couldn’t think straight, he was exhausted, and was too tired to deal with the children. Although he wanted to take care of his wife and didn’t know where to turn for help. I asked him if he ever took a few hours for himself on a weekly basis. He started laughing and said, “If I knew how to manage my time, I’d probably do that.” Well you can bet with that answer, we agreed he needed to make that happen, and he did. He told me that that was the best advice he had received. Two hours of alone time was all he needed. He found his place of contentment sitting at a park by a stream with ducks and geese. Honestly folks, this can help you salvage a busy life and create some stress relief for you.

First allow yourself at least one hour of time alone. Next, find a place to park and a place to sit down. Be sure to bring a blanket or a lawn chair, then scout an area where you can enjoy nature and get that much needed rest. This will be the place where you can close your eyes and just let go of all your emotions and feelings. You can do this, it isn’t hard, just make it happen.

Do you want to know how to find that place of contentment? Are you afraid to make time for yourself? What scares you about spending time alone? Are you at that point you need to start planning some time alone and don’t know how? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give Dr. Mike a call for help in answering these questions.

As I sit here in my office today waiting for surgery I am not anxious at all, at least not for now. I do not like needles and IV’s which I know are very necessary to help the doctors do their job, however; I am at peace and I know that my rotor cuff and bicepital tendon have to be repaired and Iam in good hands. I’m I worried not at all.

I think where people have a tendency to worry is when things are out of their control, and if they can’t control the actions others, they worry even more. For example, in divorce court, some may worry about mischaracterizations their ex-spouse and attorney may say about them. Many clients over the years who have gone through a divorce found themselves extremely worried about everything involved with their divorce and being in court. Most of their concerns were unfounded.

Another example is how we worry about our children and how they will turn out. I sure do as a father! I want my daughter to be a great asset to her faith and to the community she lives in. I want her to excel in her marriage and be a fantastic wife. Can I control any of this? No, not at all. I can only pray for the successes in her young life. I have laid out the foundation for her to follow and pray that she does!

So my question is, what worries you from day to day? Are your worries real or imagined? How can you deal with everyday worries so they don’t consume you?

For me that is a simple answer, I just don’t let unreasonable thoughts control me. I look at the encouraging counter thoughts. I believe that finding ways to counter my worries has helped me a great deal. When I start worrying about my daughter I counter my thought with the fact that she’s in God’s hands! That helps a great deal. If you think about it, what will my worrying do to help my daughter? Not a thing! So, I will not panic and I will trust God and let him take care of business.

My tips for dealing with people that worry:

• 90% of the things we worry about never happen.
• Focus on resolution and not despair.
• Have a plan that will help you through your worrying.
• Plan to speak to those who make you worry and tell them why.
• If you have a teen that’s learning to drive and taking the car for the first time, tell them to be cautious.
• If you have a relationship that causes you to worry, go to that person and try to repair and make amends.
• Figure out if the worries you have are real or imagined.

These tips work! Try them! Remember that worrying just causes you frustrations that you don’t need to live with. Do you worry out of control? Do you want to stop worrying and need help? Are you worried about your marriage and need help in deciding what to do? If you answered yes to any of these questions call Dr. Mike he can help you!

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

I can remember talking with a client of mine as she shared heartache and pain. She needed time to vent and weep. She said that she was so lonely and just needed somebody anybody to listen to her. She was married but it was a lonely and loveless marriage. Her tears flowed as she spoke. Then, as she looked up at me she said, “I want to go home to be with the Lord. The loneliness is just too much for me.”

As I looked into her eyes, I could feel her pain. I, too, have experienced that kind of loneliness. I remember all too well, the pain I endured after an ugly divorce that I didn’t want. I was so lonely and felt abandoned by the person I loved with all of my heart. Many of us feel this kind of pain. I believe loneliness is one of the top issues many of us face. Unfortunately, we have no idea how to deal with the loneliness and often suffer alone. Loneliness can come in many forms. It can come from a broken marriage, a loveless marriage, the death of a loved one, or the ending of a friendship. There are many more I could list here!

Loneliness isn’t just an adult emotion. Children suffer from loneliness to. They miss their parents when they get divorced or separated. They can miss a sibling when they move out of the home. One who is prone to being lonely can carry this problem into adulthood. From my experience in dealing with and helping lonely people, one of the main issues with loneliness is the lack of healthy relationships. When you have healthy family and friend relationships you can usually get the tough times. When alone, people seem to dwell on being lonely.

Loneliness has other concerns that go along with it. Loneliness leads to desperation, desperation leads to hopelessness and very few can pull out of hopelessness. Many people have a tendency to think having a relationship with a television can help them with their loneliness. I have seen it time after time that people who are lonely do desperate things. They get involved in unhealthy relationships (one night stands) or they start drinking, etc. If you find yourself heading in this direction, ask for help!

What advice can I give you for getting past your loneliness? First of all, take back your life! Get control back that you have given away. Here are my tips!

• If you don’t have friends, start making some. Join clubs and activities that pique your interest. You’ll find like minded individuals that will result in friendships!
• Don’t dwell on the past! Your future starts today! Life in the present!
• Building relationships begin at home with family members. Next, go after your sphere of influence that include people you know outside your immediate family.
• If you have been recently divorced or separated it’s time to start looking ahead. Find new hobbies and do the things you have always wished you could.
• Get involved in church or a civic group! You will meet new people that way. New relationships start with you!
• Make sure that you find people that are like minded.

These are just a few tips and they work! I tried them and found a new world waiting for me. The hardest part was taking that first step.

Do you live in a world of loneliness and want help in getting out? Do you need a game plan for dealing with your loneliness? Are you tired of not being able to talk about your loneliness and figuring out what you need to do about it? If you answered yes to any of these questions, Dr. Mike can help you, give him a call today.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

“Can you believe this? I just lost my job! I got notice today and have no idea what to do!” I stood in disbelief as my friend shared the news. He was one of the top people in the country for his specific kind of job. I wondered why his company would let him go.

There are many situations where we get caught off guard with everyday occurrences. Many people face bad news about their jobs or may get bad news from the bank. Some even get bad news about their health. We all will face some storms in our lives. It’s just a matter of time before they hit us. Do you know how to deal with them? Will you know what to do when those days come? Sadly, most of us are unprepared.

Many of the storms we will face are seen off in the horizon. We see them coming, we hear the thunder and see the lightening far away. Even with all the warnings, some will do nothing but watch the storm come their way. Then when the storm hits, their life falls apart. They don’t plan or have an escape route.

Do you know how to plan for life’s storms that come your way? Have you planned your next steps? These questions are very important and can help you plan what you need to do. For example, if your doctor tells you that you need to exercise and lose weight for a longer and healthier life, then it’s important to put your plan into action by exercising and incorporating healthy eating habits. Another example is the warning that your marriage is in trouble. If you’re lucky enough to have your spouse tell you that they are unhappy in the marriage, then it’s important to sit down and talk with them on what changes are needed. Very few of us ever get this kind of warning. Usually, the first sign of trouble is when divorce papers are served. The storms of life can hit you anytime and anywhere. We need to be watching at all times.

Looking back at your worst storms of life, how do you think you handled them? Could you have done better? Do you see how important planning is and how it can keep you out of trouble? I have clients who have a difficult time figuring out when the storm is going to hit. They don’t plan and fail to look at the future may hold then wonder what happened to them. Strategic planning is essential in staying safe in today’s world.

Many people get caught off guard with unexpected expenses that become emergencies. For instance, unexpected car repairs. This is one expense that causes hardship for so many. I tell people put $20 away each week and save for the repairs you may need. Preparing for an expense that you know is going to come will alleviate some the daily stress you face. It’s important we are disciplined and only use the money for life’s emergencies.

Following are a few helpful tips to help you prepare for the storms you may face down the road:
•    Be aware of what’s going on around you. For instance, if you hear rumors about company layoffs, start looking for work immediately.
•    Start setting aside money to have available for when you need emergency money. I tell folks to put away $20 dollars a week and designate it for car repairs, medical bills, rent or house payment. And, always replace what you borrow out of that fund.
•    If you have health issues, see your doctor. If you let a small thing go, it becomes a major medical problem. Remember, it’s never too late to seek treatment. Don’t delay.
•    If your spouse tells you they are unhappy or you are unhappy in your marriage, sit down and talk, work things out. It’s always best to take care of it before it becomes a huge issue.
•    If there are people in your life who take advantage of you, tell them. Better to take care of a relationship problem then get resentful about it.
•    If you need to work on your own personal life, then start making amends with family or friends. If you are struggling with unresolved issues, then get counseling. Don’t let things fester.
These are just a few examples of impending storms that we plan and prepare for. It will take time and effort, but when you see the storm clouds rising, don’t wait for it to come to you, go towards it. Head it off at the pass!

Do you need help in dealing with the storms in your life? Do you need someone to talk to who can help you sort out the real issues in your life? Are you ready to start planning for the storms in your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions call Dr. Mike he can help you!

“Hey you! You stupid imbecile! Don’t you know how to drive?? Can’t you even read the signs in the parking lot?” I looked at my friend who was stopped in the parking lot by this outraged man. The guy was ranting and letting his anger rage. His face was beet red, he was foaming atthe mouth and his veins were popping out on his forehead. He continued on for about 2 minutes. When he stopped to take a breath, he raised his finger and pointed at me and started yelling at me. I glanced at him and just listened. Keep in mind that this was happening at a busy parking lot at a local grocery store on a Saturday morning. Cars were passing by and slowing down as other drivers were listening to this madman. He was making a scene and he knew it!

The guy wouldn’t stop! He went on and on. I had had enough and said to my friend, “let’s go!” It was apparent this man could not be reasoned with. He was in full road rage. He wanted a verbal fist fight and we didn’t respond in kind. There is a time and place to pick your battles; however it’s never a good idea to try to reason with someone whose intent is to fight and not listen or even compromise. When it gets to that point, it’s best to walk away. Why take the abuse of anyone who does not respect you or themselves? Yet, I see many people in my office who allow this behavior in their relationships at home and work to continue. Why is that?

Is it fear that prevents them from defending themselves? Is it that they want to keep peace in the family or workplace so they say nothing? In my case, it wasn’t my fight; it was my friend’s who cut someone off in a parking lot. He was the one who was dealing with this angry man. I was the observer in a passenger seat. I think common sense tells us when we need to cut and run. There is no need to let someone berate you in public or in the privacy in your own home for that matter!

What are the proper steps to take when being attacked by someone? First, evaluate the situation. If you are being threatened, then leave. If you can get the abuser calmed down enough for a civil conversation, then proceed. There are reasons why people get upset and take their anger out on you. Many are personal reasons like having a bad day at the office, marital issues, and problems at home with their children, health issues, etc. Keep those in mind when someone is lashing out. Try to put yourself in their shoes. It has helped me many times to do just that. Being sensitive to others hurts helps a great deal.

We read stories in the papers about drivers with road rage and usually the outcomes are very deadly. It isn’t always road rage; it can be as simple as someone thinking you cut in front of them while waiting in line. I have seen some people come close to throwing punches while waiting in line for movie tickets. It is much easier to let it go and move on. It’s not worth getting injured or even murdered for standing your ground.

I had a high school teacher who had someone cut him off in traffic in Chicago. When they both stopped at a red light, my teacher got out of his car to confront the other driver. When he got up to the other driver’s window he faced a .357 staring at him in the face. The man asked my high school teacher if there was a problem. “No sir,” he said as” he walked away. Just like my former teacher, back away and be grateful you were not shot or stabbed.

Common sense must prevail in these difficult days. Things have changed over the years. A wise man avoids unnecessary arguments, in fact, he walks away from them. Teach this to your children and your grandchildren. These days anything can happen when confronting someone you don’t know. In closing, choose your arguments carefully. If you don’t need to go there, by all means don’t. Save the pain of getting into trouble.