When is the last time you heard someone say “I will never forgive my ex-wife. She can rot in Hades for all I care.” Or, “If Joe wants me to forgive him he better crawl on his hands and knees begging for it.” How many of us have un-forgiveness in our hearts? We just can’t let it go of the pain someone caused us years ago. It’s all too painful to dwell on the past so we try to forget and move on with our lives but we can’t.

We avoid thinking about the incident and refuse to get help with counseling or coaching and live day to day with unforgiveness in our hearts. We’ve all had someone in our past hurt us in one way or another. Perhaps your parents were critical of you growing up or a teacher wasn’t fair about your grades in high school.

These painful memories still can haunt you and leave you with anger, rage, or even bitterness. The purpose of forgiveness is to release the inner struggles that you are having with a specific person. You have to decide if you’re willing to let go of any and all resentment that is holding you back emotionally. Part of forgiving is not seeking revenge against the person who has wronged you. You have to let it go and move forward with your life. Can you do that? Yes you can!

Definition of forgiveness: Forgiveness is the renunciation or cessation of resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offence, disagreement, or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.[1][2] The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as ‘to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offence or debt’.

I have heard men and women who have gone through a hard break up or divorce who hate their ex’s. The offended person seems to hold on to a grudge and can’t let it go. Many of these break-ups have one of the parties wanting to get even and seek revenge. I think there are better ways to deal with anger than hold on to the past and look for ways to get even. When you forgive someone that doesn’t mean you forget what they have done to you or their responsibility for their actions. It simply means you are acknowledging the hurt but you are moving on with your life.

I know some people who thrive on being angry and bitter and they are difficult to be around and actually seem to love carrying a grudge. What happens when you bring unforgiveness into a new relationship? Usually the new relationship is destined to fail. The right person may come along and you miss out on meeting that person or having a new and great relationship because you’re holding a grudge.

“But understand that the reason it is so difficult to extend forgiveness to those who have failed us is because we are unable to receive forgiveness for our own failures.”
― Emily P. Freeman

“Forgiveness is beautiful and it feels good when someone gives that gift to you. But it’s one thing for someone you wronged to forgive you. It was another to forgive yourself.”
― Kristen Ashley

Are you harboring unforgiveness and want to get rid of the heaviness it causes you? Do you have someone you need to forgive and just can’t let it go? Do you need to seek forgiveness and need to know how and when? Do you want to mend a relationship with a friend or family member and have hard feelings that you’ve been carrying for some time? If you answered yes to any of these questions give me a call at 303.456.0555.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Why is confession good for the soul?

Ok! Right off the bat, I’m telling you this article isn’t about going to a priest and confessing all of your faults and sins and your whole life story. This is about getting things right with someone you have offended or wounded. It might be a family member, a friend or someone at work you need to apologize to. A lot of resentment, anger, rage, misunderstandings, hurt, sadness could be avoided by you if we are willing to right our wrongs against those we have hurt.

Definition of confession:

confess [kənˈfɛs]
vb(when tr, may take a clause as object)
1.(when intr, often foll by to) to make an acknowledgment or admission (of faults, misdeeds, crimes, etc.)
2.(tr) to admit or grant to be true; concede

I remember a few years back when a woman and her husband were in my office for marital counseling. The woman was confessing that she had an affair with a co-worker. It was very difficult for her to share it and even more difficult for her husband to hear. The affair was eating her alive. Her insides were so on fire that she was taking medication for an ulcer from the guilt she was carrying. She shared the secrets of her affair with her friends who encouraged her to continue it. Yet, she knew it was the wrong thing to do was. The haunting visions of her family breaking up because of her actions and the pain her children would go through were too much for her bear. That’s when she called me. I told her that if she felt that she needed to confess the affair to her husband then she should follow through with her feelings. I also advised her that there was no guarantee her husband would want to continue the marriage. She knew her confession would rid the guilt she was carrying with her 24/7.

Do you want to be free from years of guilt? Do you want to fix relationships that have been damaged by your actions and you need to confess a wrong you have committed? Many people have a severed conscious and don’t care about fixing broken relationships. You don’t want to fall into that trap.

Many times I hear stories about someone who has passed on and a family member wished they could have said “I’m sorry” for something that happened between them. I can remember a friend of mine who had a great deal of animosity and hard feelings toward his father. One night he received the call about his dad being killed in a car accident on an icy road. That’s when the guilt overwhelmed him as he lay in bed and wept. He was planning to ask his dad to forgive him for the anger he had towards him. He just didn’t know how to and now it was too late. Sometimes we never get that chance to cleanse our hearts through confessing our faults to each other. So the million dollar question is…why is confession good for the soul?

I’d say most people are good to each other and treat each other with dignity and respect. We all want people to think we are good on the inside and care about others. For most of us we want to go to bed with a clean conscious that we purposely don’t want to hurt anybody. When you have done something to someone by accident (a remark, or action) and it hurt them, we generally want to fix the pain we have caused them. We each have our ways of doing that (apologizing, trying to make things right). For many of us in this age of texting and e-mails, people will ask someone to forgive them and confess a fault through electronic means. I suppose that works for some folks but a true face to face meeting is what is needed. It can be scary at times yet fulfilling if done with a true heart of resolving issues.

What if you’re on the receiving end of someone that comes to you to confess an issue they have had with you? How would you deal with it? I can remember when an acquaintance asked if he could talk with me about something. I met him for lunch and as we sat and talked he said he wanted to confess that he had been angry with me for something because I ignored him in a business meeting and didn’t respond to a question he had asked. He had held a grudge ever since. He said it had bothered him for several months and wanted to get things right between us. I didn’t know that I had done this to this man and asked him for forgiveness. We talked over what had happened and agreed it was a wonderful feeling of letting the grudge go. So you can see, confession is good for the soul!

Do you have someone that you need to go talk to and confess an issue with them? Do you need to let go of something that causes you anger? Are you confused about some of the hard feelings that you’ve been carrying for some time? If you answered yes to any of these questions give me a call.

I was at my desk when the phone rang,” I can’t stand her anymore! I’m done! I’m finished! It’s over!” I sat back and listened to every reason why this man wanted a divorce. He went on to complain, “She’s not respecting me! She does not take care of our kids! She’s spending money like it’s going out of style! In fact she will not even help me take care of my mother who is disabled and lives with us. She’s a taker and not a giver. This stinks and I am totally done with her.”

I listened as he continued on for several minutes. I didn’t blame him for being angry. At some point in time we all get frustrated and need to vent and believe me, this man did. Another client of mine came to my office one afternoon fit to be tied. She couldn’t take anymore of her children disrespecting her and her husband. She said she just wanted them out of their home. I asked her how old her kids were and she said that her son was 19 and her daughter was 17.

I asked her how her kids disrespected her. She said they fuss and complain and make excuses for why they don’t help around the house. Her husband was working 60 hours a week and had no energy to argue with them and tended to leave it up to her to handle. She felt caught in the middle and wanted them out NOW! She just couldn’t take it anymore!

We all reach a point in our lives that our careers, our families, or our friendships will take a hit for various reasons. When you feel like you are at your wits end, then you should take stock of your situation and make some changes. When a situation controls you and you feel like you can’t take it any longer, then take action. What action should you take and how? Here are some examples:

• If your spouse is egging you on to have a fight and you don’t want to have a confrontation, then give yourself a time out. Walking away is the best action you can take.
• If your children are driving you crazy, then give them a timeout and let them know if they continue with their bad behavior they better expect to be sitting in a room with without iPads, Internet, or cell phones. No nothing, nada, zilch.
• If a co-worker is pushing you to quit your job and you need that job and you can’t take it anymore, then confront the one causing you problems. Meet with your manager, or owner of the company. Make sure that you have your evidence of why you are meeting with your employer.
• If a family member is causing heartache for you, then sit down with that person and let them know that you being disrespected will not be tolerated.
• Don’t do anything out of anger, out of spite, or to get even. If you can’t take it any longer, then deal with it. Problems usually don’t go away on their own. Have a civil discourse and get the problems resolved.
• Don’t let them ride because they will come back to haunt you. That, you can count on.

Have you had a situation in the home where you can’t take it anymore? Have you had issues with your spouse, child or parent that can’t be resolved and need help resolving? Do you struggle with going to work because someone is trying your patience? If you answered yes to any of these question Dr. Mike can help you find answers to finding peace in your life. Call him at 303.456.0555

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

I was six years old when our military family made the long drive from Fort Lewis, Washington to Fort Slocum, NY. My sister Deb had a knack for picking fights. My dad didn’t tolerate fighting in the car and my sister, who was 5 years old at the time, was looking for trouble. She was bored on this leg of the trip, however, I was content just trying to color in a coloring book.

At one point during the drive, my sister kept pinching me. Even though I told her to stop and pushed her away she kept pinching me. I begged her to stop. About that time, my dad yelled at both of us to stop and settle down. She pinched me once again and that’s when my dad told us we had better behave or we would get spanked. Once again, my sister placed a painful pinch just behind my arm. I let out a yell and punched her in the shoulder.

Within minutes my dad pulled over to the side of the road and drug me out of the car and began spanking me. Even though traffic was going by, I was getting a good paddling. When he finally stopped spanking me he told me that I was to get in the car and say nothing or I would get another licking! I was crying hard and didn’t stop until he finally said “why are you still crying?” after about 30 minutes down the road. Between my crying and trying to breath, I told him that when he was spanking me my shoe fell off. That didn’t go over very well and he was upset that I didn’t tell him sooner. My sister provoked me and I ultimately paid the price.

I see people provoke others in all kinds of relationships including marriage, family, work and school. How we respond is key in keeping peace and moving on. When couples come to counsel with me and I hear one person telling me that the other is looking for faults in their marriage, they seem to constantly repeat the history of mistakes. The person who is on the receiving end of takes that as being provoked and feels the need to defend themselves. Then the war of words and history grows into a full argument. I tell my clients not to go there, walk away and take time to think about what is causing the argument. Don’t provoke arguments. I have seen many divorces happen because of anger and provoking someone into an argument.

Can you name the things which commonly provoke arguments? Can you add to this list?
•    Money
•    Family
•    Friends
•    Fob
•    In-laws
•    Politics
•    Religion
•    Sports
These are just a few and I am sure you can add many to this list. I have friends who point out incorrect statements of others during simple conversations. You may pronounce the name of a city one way and your friend may correct you in front of a group of people because they pronounce it a different way. I have seen it happen. To others it looks like a provocation and someone that is mean spirited.

I suggest that if you are the one who likes to provoke disagreements, then stop. It’s unattractive and pushes people away from you. If you are on the receiving end, then just walk away and don’t get into it. Keep the peace in your sphere of influence.

Do you feel that you are easily provoked and lose control and want help? Do you enjoy provoking others and want to stop? Do you need help in making the right decisions when provoked by others? Call Dr. Mike and he can help you with some of these problems.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

What Ever Happened to Martial Communication?

As I sat across my desk looking into the eyes of a new client, she was having a difficult time using the word divorce in a sentence. Finally, I asked her why she wanted a divorce. She became silent and just stared at her hands for several moments. As she wrung her hands in despair, she spoke softly then looked at me with tears in her eyes and said “I want a divorce because my husband never talks to me; he avoids me when I walk into a room.” She asked, “Do you know what it feels like when your spousesays nothing to you when he comes home from work?”

I asked her if she thought he would be willing to get marital counseling. “I don’t know. It’s probably too late to get help for us and I don’t want the hassle of making appointments and meeting with anyone.” She went on to say, “I am fed up and too tired to continue down this road. It’s been this way for many years and he won’t change.”

I believe one of the major reasons people get divorced is the lack of communication. If you can’t express needs and concerns with your spouse then how do you solve problems in your marriage? Walking away is not always the answer and does not necessarily fix your marriage woes. Many couples, when fighting, give each other the silent treatment. They let their pride get in the way and try to win by not being the first person to speak. Friends, this is a major issue in many marriages. What is the point of not speaking to each other? It harbors resentment, bitterness, control, anger and possibly will start divorce proceedings. Is this the outcome you really want for you and your spouse?

Following is a list of some of the “wrong” reason for divorce. I have heard just about every excuse known to man. Here are a few:
•    I didn’t really know my spouse before we got married.
•    My family doesn’t like him.
•    I expected our marriage to be like when were dating, exciting, romantic.
•    He/she spends more time with their friends then me.
•    He/she doesn’t like the company I keep.
•    He/she has changed. They are not fun to be around with anymore.
•    Our goals have changed. We are not on the same page.
•    He/she doesn’t pay attention to me.
•    We no longer have fun together.
•    My spouse doesn’t like to party with me.
•    He/she works too many hours and are never home.
•    He/she wants kids and I don’t.

Many couples don’t look at the consequences of walking away from their marriage. If you’re considering getting divorced, then sit down with someone who can help you figure out what you need to do. Make time to meet with your spouse too. A major mistake most couples make is not talking out the issues that have forced you to decide if divorce is for you! Unresolved conflict carries into other relationships and the baggage from your past marriage will creep up in any other relationship you get involved in. I promise you that! I hear it all the time in my office. Some conversations are difficult but should not be avoided because they are uncomfortable. I tell my clients to put those feelings on the table and talk about them. If you don’t, they will come back to haunt you in the worst way.

I had a client who walked away from her marriage and never had any resolution to why she left the marriage. She and her husband never talked about the issues that caused their break-up, in fact, they avoided them. When she got into another relationship, the same problems started to happen and she walked away from the guy she was seeing. That’s when she called me to talk over some of the unresolved issues she was encountering.

Her major issue was that when she argues she shuts down. She hates conflict and avoids it at any cost. The men she had been involved with yelled when they argued and when they did she withdrew and would walk away. One of the tools we had to help her learn was not all conflict is bad, it’s just how is it handled in the first place. How many of you hate to fight and argue? Probably most of you. If you don’t know how to fight fair then learn how to debate in a mature way where facts are presented and discussed in an adult manner. If she had those tools she probably would have never filed for a divorce.

Most divorces don’t need to happen. Couples need to learn how to communicate better and sit down and resolve their problems. Talking out marital problems is critical in saving your relationship. Believe me it’s worth the effort in the long run!

Do you have a spouse in your life that you need to talk to and share some of the hurts they caused? Are you fearful of conflict and need to talk to your spouse about martial issues but are afraid? Do you need to confront your spouse that has ignored you and need help in planning how to talk to them? Are you dealing with bitterness from your spouse that has caused division between you and your spouse? If you answered yes to any of these questions give Dr. Mike a call he can help you! Call him at 303.456.0555

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call at tel:303.456.0555

When is the last time you heard someone say to you or a friend, “If I were you I would get a divorce.”? I hear it all the time in my office. I had a young man in my office just two weeks ago who told me, “My friends said that I should get a divorce and I think they are right!” Wow! I am amazed at how many people get talked into a life changing decision without finding the consequences of divorce.

I let my clients know upfront that divorce is a sobering experience. It’s not for the faint of heart. Not only does it terminate the marital relationship, divorce can also terminate relationships with your in-laws, good friends and even your own family. What is the price you will pay for your divorce? Well my friends, here are some facts that may enlighten you on divorce in the US:

United States Divorce Statistics

Most people already know that around 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce. The number is similarly high in many other developed nations.
When you break that down by number of marriages:
•    41 percent of first marriages end in divorce.
•    60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.

•    73 percent of third marriages end in divorce.

In America, there is one divorce every 13 seconds. That’s 6,646 divorces per day, and 46,523 divorce per week.The average length of a marriage that ends in divorce is eight years.

Statistics on the Likelihood of Divorce

• If your parents are happily married, your risk of divorce decreases by 14 percent.
• People who wait to marry until they are over the age of 25 are 24 percent less likely to get divorced.
• Living together prior to getting married can increase the chance of getting divorced by as much as 40 percent.

Divorce and Children Statistics

• The divorce rate among couples with children is 40 percent lower than couples without children.
• Forty-three percent of children growing up in America today are being raised without their fathers.
• Seventy-five percent of children with divorced parents live with their mother.
• Twenty-eight percent of children living with a divorced parent live in a household with an income below the poverty line.
• Half of all American children will witness the breakup of a parent’s marriage. Of these children, close to half will also see the breakup of a parent’s second marriage.

These are very enlightening statistics, in fact several of you will be able to relate to some of these numbers. Before you even consider getting a divorce make sure that you talk to someone who can help you sort through the mess you’re in. If you’re listening to a friend who is giving you advice about ending your marriage, don’t! They may think they’re looking out for your best interest, but they don’t see the pitfalls that can cost you your marriage in case it is salvageable. Don’t forget, divorce cost you financially in the long run. Divorce should only be an option if you can’t work things out and/or the other party wants no part of reconciliation.

Before you see a lawyer, please give me a call and let’s talk about the problems in your marriage…all of them! Many issues in an unhealthy marriage are misunderstandings, lack of communication or unwillingness to make changes to fix the marriage. Maybe you need to be heard and the only way to get your spouse to listen is to threaten divorce. Is it possible you don’t know how to sit down and talk about your problems and end up arguing and getting nowhere? If that’s the case, I can help you set up a game plan that will get your questions answered and how to plan your future.

Don’t let your marriage fail because of your lack of doing nothing to change things. The regrets I hear from a broken hearted divorced spouse causes a lot of pain for everyone involved. Don’t live in the “would have, should have, could have” world. I want people to know that giving your marriage every chance to survive is worth the effort. If it doesn’t work, then you can look back and say, “I gave it my all.”

Are you in a difficult, loveless marriage and need help in getting control of it? Do you want to confront your spouse with your concerns? Do you need help in putting together your talking points? Are you someone who needs help in stopping negative thoughts about your spouse? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give Dr. Mike a call he can help you.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call at 303.456.0555! You’ll be glad you did!

Mildred, the church gossip stayed busy sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake one day when she accused Frank, a new church member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank and several church members that everyone who saw his truck parked there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain or defend himself or deny anything.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house and walked home. He intentionally left it parked there all night!! (You gotta love Frank!) Needless to say, Mildred’s days of gossiping came to an end.

Last week we talked about how many of us struggle with gossip or being gossiped about. It causes a great deal of pain and divides friends, families and co-workers. This week, we’ll spend a little time talking about gossiping in church. We will explore how to stop church gossip because all churches have a “Mildred” and deal with this problem.

Gossip destroys reputations, ruins careers and breaks up families once the words have left the lips of a gossip. Unfortunately, anything can happen. I have wondered over the years how many lives have been lost to an outright lie or rumor, how many jobs have been lost in the workplace because of lies, or God forbid, marriages have been ruined because of lies and gossip!

These are a few quotes that I enjoy sharing when dealing with a gossip:

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
–Will Rogers
Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you.
–Spanish Proverb
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
–Will Rogers
What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t witness with your mouth.
–Jewish Proverb
We cannot control the evil tongues of others; but a good life enables us to disregard them.
–Cato the Elder
Never tell evil of a man, if you do not know it for certainty, and if you know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, ‘Why should I tell it?’
–Johann K. Lavater

If you have a problem with gossiping about others, it’s time to quit. Just stop! People who have reputations about being a gossip don’t realize what people think about them. As adults we need to see how destructive gossip can be. For some people it comes as a natural act and don’t even realize they’re doing it.

During my senior year in college, a classmate came up to me and asked why I was talking about her. I told I had no clue what she was talking about. She proceeded to tell me what I said about her. I stopped her and told her I had never said such things and then asked her who had spread that lie. She told me it was a secret and refused to tell me. That’s when I looked at her and repeated to her that I had said nothing about her and to asked the person who gossiped to meet the three of us and settle the matter once and for all. The person who had been gossiping didn’t want to meet with us. The woman apologized to me and appreciated my willingness to confront the person in question.

In closing, the way to stop a gossip in their tracks is to avoid these people at any cost. Many heart aches can be prevented if you are willing to stop the meddling people who gossip. It’s up to us – all of us – to help make the world a better place, and stopping gossip is a step in the right direction.

Have you been a victim of gossip and need help in getting over it? Do you want to confront a gossip who is harming your family? Do you need help in moving on and letting go of someone who hurt you through gossip? Are you someone who needs help in stopping your gossip habit? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give Dr. Mike a call he can help you.