The Day you Decide to Divorce (5) By Dr. Michael Brooks

The next question to ask yourself, is there something your spouse can do to convince you to hold off on seeking a divorce? This is a fair question to ask yourself and to anticipate when asked. I would have a plan on how to bring that up and what needs to happen when you answer that question.

When deciding to divorce look at all the pros and cons and see if you can come up with reasons to save your marriage.

I had a client whose husband was always playing softball and never home. His wife had had enough of it. She was checked out of the marriage and had already talked to a lawyer about getting a divorce. She was left alone at nights while he played softball and never had help in raising the kids. Her two older boys aged 7 and 10 asked her why “dad” was never home. Her response was, ask him maybe he can tell you. The straw that broke the camels back is when he missed one of the boys birthday parties. Her parents were asking what’s going on with her husband and demanding why he didn’t show up for his sons birthday party. She was frustrated and said, he has chosen softball over his boys. Her mom and dad were livid.

They paid for her to seek help from a lawyer and talk about getting a divorce. After speaking with a divorce lawyer, she sat her husband down and let him know she was going to divorce him and take the boys and live with her parents. He was shocked and pleaded that he would change and give up his softball and be home with the boys. She said that she would have to think about it. He did some deep soul searching and knew he was wrong in picking softball over his family. They got marriage counseling and restored their marriage. Keep in mind that most people who want a divorce will give good reasons as to why they want one and the person who wants to save the marriage will give up hobbies, alcohol, bad habits to keep a marriage together.

In closing, if you want a divorce and there is no way to restore your marriage, be kind, be understanding and most of all be considerate of how you treat your spouse. They may have been through some difficult times and need your support even while getting divorce papers from you. Divorce is hard on everyone. You should know that how you present your position on divorce is critical and important to the person that you once loved. Being gentle is not a weakness but shows maturity and kindness.

Ask yourself these questions; am I filing because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then give Dr. Mike a call he can help with this difficult process of deciding on your next steps and what to do. Call him at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did! You can call him at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks
Applicable Counseling & Coaching Services
Web: www.applicablecoaching.com
Blog: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog.php
Web: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/
Blog:http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/blog/
E-mail: mike@applicablecoaching.com
Office: 303.456.0555
Cell: 303.880.9878

The Day you Decide to Divorce (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

The day you decide to divorce there will be many things you have to consider. Who will your divorce effect? If you have children, they will be the most challenged in your immediate family circle. Your family, parents, brothers, and sisters, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, for the most part, will take this hard. I think it best that you have a game plan on how to share the news with your family and close friends. Consider those in the family that you trust to share with them your views and insights on your divorce. If you have a known gossip in the family and you know that they will add their personal insights to your private business and share it with others, do not share with them. They will be a problem for you in keeping sensitive information private.

Unhappy couple arguing about a possible divorce

Have a plan on how to talk with your spouse. You need to let them know why you have chosen to take this route and your next steps. Be forthcoming in your reasons and don’t sugar coat your reasons. Be upfront and truthful for obvious reasons. This will be difficult enough when you sit down and share the reasons why you want a divorce. Listen patiently and don’t get angry or upset when they challenge you. Not everyone will sit back and say something like “hey, that’s a great idea let’s get divorced and as soon as possible.” Most likely this will not happen.

Here are some things that your spouse may say that doesn’t want a divorce from you;

• How long have you been thinking of wanting to divorce and why?
• Let’s get counseling/coaching so that we can save our marriage
• What about our children they need both of us in the same house
• Oh you have said this in the past, I know you don’t really mean it
• Please give this one more try, I’ll do better in our marriage
• No, I will not sign any papers giving you a divorce
• We can’t financially do a divorce, forget it
• You’ll get over this, you always do
• I’ll kill myself you just wait and see
• I’ll do anything you want me to do, anything to not get divorced

There will be many reasons why someone who doesn’t want a divorce will fight it. Making promises to change behaviors that they can’t possibly keep. Hearing these pleadings can be heartbreaking. That’s why if you can save your marriage, and get help in deciding what is right for you then just do it.

Ask yourself these questions; am I filing because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then give Dr. Mike a call he can help with this difficult process of deciding on your next steps and what to do. Call him at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did! You can call him at 303.880.9878

The Day you Decide to Divorce (3) By Dr. Michael Brooks

I have spoken to several clients who are just fed up with the state of their marriages, and out frustration, are angry that no changes are happening. What do they do? Many just go and file for divorce. Their done and have felt they have given it they’re all. They have talked, begged, and pleaded with their spouse’s, to get help for their marriage and go to counseling with them. Many divorces that happen are done out of spite or ignorance. There are many well thought out divorces, and they have all their ducks in a row. They have done all their research, and emotionally they are ready, come hell or high water. The best advice I can give you is to explore ALL your options. Look at the pro’s and cons and the ramifications of what your divorce will do to you, and to your kid’s.

Seriously, it’s up to you to do your homework and see what you can do to figure out all options. You have several areas that you must consider before filing. What will happen to your children? Living arrangements (where will you live)? Will you need to sell your home and move to an apartment? What about your finances, child custody arrangements, retirement plans, friends, etc? There is so much to consider in your divorce process.

Take some time just by yourself and reflect on why you want a divorce? Ask yourself, what will a divorce do for you? This will give you some insight on your next steps. I had a client do this, and she called me thanking me for giving her this advice. She took some time off of work and sat down at the kitchen table and put pen to paper and came up with several solutions and decided which one would work best for her. She struggled with her emotional feelings about her husband, and her children, but she came to the conclusion that she would give counseling one more try. She sat down with her husband and shared with him her thoughts on divorce and what they could do to avoid it. They both came up with a plan and made it work. I know many people who get divorced cannot stand their spouses and want out of their marriage and have come to that conclusion with no hesitation. All I’m asking is for you to get alone by yourself and pray, think and have facts before you decide. This will help you make a wise decision for your future. 

How many people do you think want to get a divorce for one or more of the following reasons.

• Marital unfaithfulness, habitual cheater
• Emotional affairs, the internet, texting, and phone
• No longer in love
• Finances
• Step-children
• In-laws
• Drugs and alcohol addictions
• Roommate relationships
• Poor communication
• Trust issues
• Disrespect and verbal abuse

This certainly could be a very long list if we added some of your reasons. Now looking at this list, how many of the reasons listed above could be helped with counseling/coaching? I would say most under the right conditions. Some people see no help in trying to restore their marriage relationship. They have decided to give up no matter who tries to talk to them. They have been burned and want out.

If you have decided to divorce and there is no turning back, I have advice for you. Have a plan before committing to divorce. Make sure that you understand the laws of your state and what has to take place. Seek good counsel with a plan that allows you to be fair and not vengeful towards your soon to be ex. If you have children involved in your divorce, make sure that you’re respectful towards your spouse. Even in divorce you can show mercy and be fair without pounding your soon to be ex into the ground. Bitterness can and will drag you down and make you feel worthless in public opinion. So, avoid getting even or revenge on your soon to be ex. You have to be above board when dealing with your ex and their lawyer. The more fighting you do between each other and through your lawyers in the long run will be costing big bucks. Trust me on this!

Ask yourself these questions; am I filing because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then give Dr. Mike a call he can help with this difficult process of deciding on your next steps and what to do. Call him at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did! You can call him at 303.880.9878

The Day you Decide to Divorce (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

I had a client who shared his angry feelings about his wife with his close friends at a bar one day. A few of these friends didn’t like his wife because she complained that he was out partying with his friends and not home with the family. So, here was an opportunity for his buddies to get payback at her for asking him to come home after hanging out with them. My client listened to his friends, and one of his co-workers convinced him to use his divorce lawyer that he used (just to check out his options). Without talking to his wife about his feelings and while he was all worked up went and spoke to this friend’s lawyer. The lawyer said that he would take his case if he needed him. So on the advice of his drinking buddies he filed for divorce, his wife was served divorce papers having no clue what her husband was up to. When served she tried calling him at work and he wouldn’t answer her calls. She then went to his job site and confronted him with the divorce papers she was served. He gave her the silent treatment, and she was asked to leave the job site by his bosses for creating a scene. She was an emotional wreck and tried keeping peace in the home with their children. He moved out and went and lived with his friend who suggested that he get a divorce and talk to his lawyer.

In our first meeting, he mentioned to me it was fun at first, he and his friend went to bars, parties and drank heavily at the house he stayed at. He would go to work hung-over, and his co-workers would encourage him to stop going to late night parties. Some of his friends at work told him that his personality was changing for the worse. His bosses confronted him one day while at work and said that he’d get no more warnings about being late for work or being hung-over, the next time he would be fired. His friend that he was living with said that he shouldn’t let people at work tell him how to live his life. Well, you can imagine, he lost his job for being hung-over and not being able to do his job.

I will tell you, don’t share your marriage troubles with outsiders. They will give you bad advice and have no invested interest in you or your spouse’s marriage except to be a busy body (gossip) and give you bad misinformation. Here are my tips for keeping your private issues private.

• Talk to your spouse first, before sharing with friends or family
• Make sure that if you have any conflicts between you or your spouse talk them out first
• Avoid sharing any information about your marriage with a known gossip
• Encourage you and your spouse to seek counseling/coaching before talk with a lawyer or filing for a divorce
• Be honest with your feeling why you are talking about wanting a divorce
• One of the main reasons for someone wanting a divorce is the lack of communication. It’s a problem that you can work on and address right away.
• Listen well when talking about getting a divorce, what are the reasons and can you both agree to work on trying to resolve the problems.
• If you do share with someone, please get someone who has no bias opinion of either of you. Find a straight shooter who cares for both of you.
• Make sure that your children are not involved with the initial process of trying to figure out your next steps in divorcing or not divorcing.

Ask yourself these questions; am I filing because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then give Dr. Mike a call he can help with this difficult process of deciding on your next steps and what to do. Call him at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did! 303.880.9878

The Day you Decide to Divorce (1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

You’ve been thinking about it for weeks, maybe even months. You can’t pretend anymore that everything is alright in your marriage. You wake up in the morning feeling guilty that you’re living a lie. You remain silent; you avoid conflict or any confrontation for that matter. You agree to things with your spouse that you normally don’t, just to keep the peace.

Do you have a real reason to file for divorce?

You have thought about how unhappy you’ve been for what seems years; you find yourself daydreaming about being free and on your own. You see yourself in new and exciting relationships. Most people who are thinking of divorce want the peace and calmness they deserve. They think, why shouldn’t I be happy and enjoy the rest of my life in peace? After all, I’ve devoted my life to my spouse and children and need time for myself. I deserve a life that I can enjoy and not be accountable to anyone.

For those of you who have considered divorcing, I’m sure that several of these thoughts have raced through your mind after an argument, a sleepless night of worry or realizing that you want out. I see many clients who struggle with this thought process. It’s not an easy place to be in, nor to be weighing on your mind 24/7. In fact, I’m sure that many people considering divorce right now are struggling with pulling the trigger and starting the divorce process. It’s a hard decision and a lasting one at that!

I want to bring to your attention a few important things before you take that next step. Ask yourself these questions; am I filing for divorce because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? Are there tools that I need to use to help me make my decision for example; (better communication, better listening, better understanding, etc.?)

Impulsive divorce demands backfire and will cause you and your spouse a great deal of harm and irreparable damage to your relationship. I tell my clients look at every option and examine the real reason for wanting a divorce. Some people file because they are talked into it by a well-meaning family member or friends. You have to decide on your own and make this decision by yourself. Don’t allow someone to convince you into filing for a divorce. You will live to regret it down the road. I have had many people in my office brokenhearted and angry because they allowed someone to make the decision for them to file for divorce. The regrets these people go through is painful and agonizing.

I’ll ask this one more time, and I want to bring this to your attention. Ask yourself these questions; am I filing because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then give Dr. Mike a call he can help with this difficult process of deciding on your next steps and what to do. Call him at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Playing the victim Card (5) By Dr. Michael Brooks

I had some friends who were having marriage problems. The wife was blaming her husband for every issue that came up in the marriage. He couldn’t do anything right to save his life. He was late in getting home from work all the time, he didn’t get the right groceries she asked for, he snored and tossed and turned, which kept her up at night. She took no responsibility for anything that was wrong in their marriage, it was all his fault. I said to the husband, the next time your wife starts the blame game, stop her and talk about the problems she brings up one at a time. Don’t continue to stand there and wait till she’s done. Keep her on topic and deal with it one problem at a time.

I know of a couple that the husband blamed his wife for all their marriage problems. She didn’t clean the house correctly; she wasn’t managing the kids the way he wanted. He blamed her for his business problems. She dreaded him coming home. She tried everything to make the marriage work. She went to counseling; she did it his way as far as running the household, raising the kids. Nothing she did was right. He just didn’t have the wherewithal to tell her he wanted a divorce. He drove her to it and now blames her for their divorce.

Marriage can be difficult, we all know that. But, it also brings some great rewards and happiness. I think that we all get married intending to live a happy life and enjoy being appreciated and loved, and respected. When you start seeing your spouse using the victim card against you, your world starts to crumble if it is allowed to continue. Having a weekly check-in time with your spouse is important to keep a healthy relationship intact. What I mean by check in time, sit down and talk to each other face to face. Be open and honest with how you feel your marriage is. If your spouse has been using the victim card, talk about their concerns and what can be done to fix the problem. Victims need to express their feelings and by you sitting down with them helps eliminate them seeking someone to listen to them. Talk it out and be available for weekly talks if needed.

In closing, there are some victims that need to get help from law enforcement, counselors, and clergy. I understand that, and it’s important to get help when you need it. The victims I’m speaking about are those who abuse the victim card and wonder why people distance themselves from these kind of people.

If you’re physically or sexually abused then get help immediately. If you feel that you’re getting emotionally abused, talk to a counselor. Get legal help if necessary. There are people willing and wanting to help you with your needs. Call them today.

Do you feel that you’re living with a spouse that plays the victim card on you and you want it to stop? Do you need help in confronting someone who abuses the victim card? Are you someone who uses the victim card and you want to stop? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then contact Dr. Mike for personal help and planning your next steps at 303.880.9878.