“Boundaries? I have no clue what those are and why I need them,” said the older woman as she shared her thoughts. “Well, for starters,” I added, "You have adult children who have been taking advantage of you.  You do realize that, don't you?" "Well, yes I know, but I can't let them live on the streets can I", she asked. "No, you don't, but you can prepare them for taking care of themselves down the road and that's what you should be doing." She looked at me for several seconds then agreed.

Boundaries are important for establishing personal ground rules to avoid fights and arguments with the people you care about. Actually, boundaries help you keep your rules enforced. Wise parents place boundaries on their young children to protect them from harm.  Remember these? “Don't cross the street without looking! Keep your fingers away from the burners on the stove!  Make sure you tell mom or dad where you are going!”  We learned at an early age that if these boundaries were crossed then we faced the consequences. As children get older and approach their teens the rules change and so do the boundaries. A few examples: "Son, I want you to keep your room clean which means you don't throw everything in your closet!” Be home by 8:00 PM! It's a school night."  "I don't want you hanging around that neighbor kid - he's a trouble maker."  Throughout their growing up years it’s important to keep boundaries in place and make them age-appropriate.

Over the years I have learned that as we get older we tend to lose our focus and forget our own boundaries. I see it all the time in my practice. Many adults cannot set boundaries for themselves. It happens in work relationships, marriages, with close friends, etc.  Following are a few examples I help people with:

1.    An adult child keeps asking their senior parents for money to pay for cell phone bills, rent, car payments, and food.  Why should you pay for their living expenses? How do you feel about paying for their personal expenses? Probably not very good. You don't want to hurt their feelings so you keep writing checks or giving them cash. They are breaking the bank and you are probably paying their bills from your retirement funds. If this is a problem for you, it's time to set up some boundaries for them and yourself.

2.    You are in a marriage that you feel taken advantage of. Your spouse leaves all the housework to you.  You work full time and are taking care of the kids plus making all the meals. Does this seem fair to you? Of course not but you are afraid to confront your spouse. You ask for help with some of the household chores and your spouse says he will help but never does.

3.   You want help in determining how the money is being spent on expenses for the home. You ask your spouse to sit down with you and go over the bills but they rather use the credit card and not hear about the bills. What do you do and how do you set boundaries to bring peace to yourself and the home?

Boundaries in marriage are key to preventing all kinds of problems. They are simple to set up if both of you are willing to be honest and put them into place.

Make sure you share with your spouse the needs you have and why! What areas are off limits to your spouse?  If you need 8 hours of sleep and your husband or wife turns on the TV to watch the late night news and you are trying to sleep tell them that is a boundary that cannot be crossed. Another boundary is the way you spend your money. Do you have an agreement with your husband or wife that you will check in with them if any item is over a certain amount? That may one of your boundaries that you both agree on. I had a client who liked to BBQ. The grill they owned was beat up and old. He was at Home Depot picking up some lumber and walked past the grills. He stopped, took a look at one, and without calling her spent $600 and brought it home. The fight over that purchased almost ended their marriage!

Let’s say you have a co-worker who dumps extra work on you but you see them spending a lot of time at the water cooler talking to co-workers about last nights baseball game. They ask you for the "favor of a lifetime" and plead for your help.  Or the boss has a favorite employee that never get's their work done and she asks you to help him catch up. What do you do? You may have a boss who is verbally abusive towards you. They may insult your intelligence with name calling and insults.  You drive home a mess - shaking at the steering wheel, crying and swearing to yourself that you will never allow your boss to abuse you like that ever again, yet it happens again and again!

When you feel that you're being taken advantage of, that's when you set boundaries for yourself. Boundaries are key to keeping things under control in your life.  It’s how you let people know that you will not allow them to step on your toes. Boundaries keep us from having lingering anger towards someone who is violating our "line in the sand". It’s ok to have boundaries with the people we come into contact with. So, how do we set up boundaries and make them stick?

Write them down and who they will affect.
Know why they need boundaries.
What are the consequences if they violate your boundaries?
Sit down with the person or persons and explain why you need to have boundaries with them.
Let them ask questions so they understand why you need them.
If you’re setting boundaries with your spouse, be sensitive with them. Slamming them with your demands never works. Explain why they are important with you. Get their feedback.
These suggestions are for starters.  Sit down and talk. They will help you open up and get you headed in the right direction

If you need help in setting boundaries, and are wondering what yours should be, contact Dr. Mike and he can help you.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

"You are so stupid, I cannot find a person more stupid than you”, her husband yelled. "You are a jerk! Everyone thinks you're pathetic!  Even I think you’re pathetic and you drink too much!  You're a pig!" his wife responded.  Sad, isn’t it?  I often get asked by warring couples when I think they should end their marriage. Only those who are trapped in a miserable marriage can answer that question.  I can't make that decision; neither should a family member, nor a friend. Yet, when couples are considering divorce they will ask anyone who will listen.  I have seen many make the decision to end their marriage due to the advice of a friend or a family member.

Divorce should always be the last option especially if there is any hope of saving the marriage.  I encourage my clients to give their marriage every chance of making it work.  This is especially important if you have children.  It is imperative that they see their parents trying to work out their differences. The problem with divorce today is how easy they are to obtain.

Is your marriage unbearable and you just can’t stand it any longer because of the physical abuse, drug abuse, physical or emotional infidelity or sexual prevision?  If so, then you have to decide whether you’re going to work on your marriage or make the decision to end it. I have had many female clients over the years who were married to abusive alcoholics, drug users and adulterers. I have seen it all, and believe it or not, many of these women choose to stay in abusive marriages. Love takes many different twists and turns and it can be very confusing.

So when do you know if it’s time to throw in the towel?  In my opinion, it’s when you, your children or immediate family members are in danger of physical harm or death. That's when you call the police and seek a court order for protection. The right time to make this call is now!  Repeated infidelity is also grounds for divorce.  If drug abuse is a problem and children living in the home, I would suggest ending the marriage. The courts will remove children from the home if they know drug abuse is involved. You can't allow your kids to be victims of an abusive partner who does drugs and places their lives in danger.

There are many reasons marriages end. If you are planning to divorce it's best to sit down with your spouse and talk things over, unless you are in physical danger or there is history of abuse. Let them know why you are considering a divorce. Be honest and up front.  Seek counseling and guidance when you make the decision to divorce. Lay out all the facts on the table and be prepared to explain why you feel the way you do. Let your spouse share their feelings too. So many times a spouse will give no reason for the divorce and will say "Oh, you know why I want a divorce" then walk away. Explain your reasons thoroughly, then move on.

Do you dread being in a miserable marriage and you can't find resolve or have the energy to continue on? Do you want out of your marriage and need a plan on how to make that happen? Does your spouse have addictions and will not seek help, and you fear for your safety and that of your children? If you answered yes to any of these questions contact Dr. Mike for assistance.

Deciding when to throw in the towel in a bad marriage is really up to you.  However, if you can save your marriage, by all means try to make it work. If live in fear and constant danger, contact Dr. Mike.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

It was a perfect day for a wedding in the park. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and the smell of spring was in the air.  As the guests were being escorted to their seats, quiet laughing, whispers and giggling could be heard. These were beautiful sounds of joy where people gathered together to celebrate the union of two hearts. Some of the guests hadn't seen each other in years and were reconnecting with hugs and smiles.

This went on for several minutes while chamber music played in the background. I watched as the groomsmen took their places in front of the wedding guests. The pastor followed shortly thereafter.  Finally, the wedding march played and everyone stood in honor of the bride as she walked down the aisle with her father. You could hear the cameras clicking and sounds of delight as the beautiful bride joined the wedding party at the front.  I wasn't too far from the front when I noticed the mother-of-the-bride was seated next to the groom’s mother. Her father was on the other side of the aisle. It didn't take long to figure out what was going on:  the family of divorce. Her parents couldn’t put their differences aside for just a few hours even at their daughter’s wedding.  Unfortunately, this is way too common these days.

There are many complications to divorce and going to special occasions and family events can bring great stress to one or both parties. Weddings seem to cause the greatest stress more often than not. Many times, certain family members will side with the one who was on the receiving end of the divorce. Tension in the air is a natural byproduct of divorce. It was sad to watch this scenario play out from the distance. It was immediately apparent that the bride’s parents were uncomfortable with each other. Weddings can be the most difficult for children of divorce. Graduation parties are next in line.

Most people going through divorce don't have the ability to look down the road and see family events as a problem until it's too late. If it was a friendly divorce, which they rarely are, then family gatherings may be easy to participate in. If it was a bitter divorce, family gatherings may be very difficult to face. A friend of mine, whose divorce was a bitter fight was told that he and his new wife were the only ones allowed to attend his daughter’s wedding.  To add insult to injury, he was not allowed to make the toast to his daughter and her new husband. Clearly, this was a very awkward wedding ceremony and wedding dinner. The bride’s mother and her new husband were taking on her ex-husband, while using the daughter’s wedding as a power trip. This is just one aspect of the ugliness of divorce that few consider when contemplating divorce.

So how do you deal with the fear of weddings and social occasions with your ex-spouse? There are many ways to deal with these family events, especially if it was a bitter divorce. One way it to write a letter to let your ex know that you want to put your differences aside and make sure that your child has the best wedding ever. Agree to have family members keep their opinions to themselves on that special day. There is no reason for conflict at a wedding. If you (or a family member) cannot control your emotions then don't go! Why stir up a hornet’s nest with wedding guests and ruin the day for the bride and groom?  This day belongs to them. Remember that! This is a day where you want to create wonderful memories for your children, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends. You certainly don't want to be the talk of the town for all the wrong reasons!

Do you worry there may be some friction between you or your ex at your next family event? Do you think there will be problems from some of the wedding guests? Is your son or daughter concerned about some of the people who have been invited to their wedding? If you answered yes to any of these questions and need someone to talk to that can help you address these and other concerns then call me! If you have a son or daughter getting married in the near future and need help in knowing how to deal with your ex-spouse or other wedding guests, give me a call!  I can help you!

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

A recent client of mine told me about how his wife had reconnected with an old boyfriend from high school through Facebook.They hadn't seen each other in 38 years and considered each other their “first love”.As we all know, a “first love” is a tough bond to break especially when there was physical intimacy involved.

He told me that her old boyfriend found her on Facebook and sent her a contact note. She responded back by telling him she was married and had 4 children. He wanted to hear more about her life and what she had been doing all those 38 years. Unbeknownst to her, he had been divorced and was thinking about her.Eventually, her marriage seemed unfulfilling to her too and unfortunately, she shared that with her exboyfriend . He was an engineer and had been divorced for 3 years.He wanted to reconnect with her and she thought it would be nice to see him too.So she traveled to Ohio to meet him and never told her husband where she was going.She just packed her bags for a “weekend getaway”.

When she returned she told her husband of 30+ years that she was divorcing him. She wanted out and had talked to a lawyer about putting the divorce together. She told their grown children that she was divorcing their father and told all kinds of lies about him. She also told the children that he was unfaithful and abusive towards her. The lies got even worse the more time she spent with her old flame talking on the phone and chatting on Facebook. With her lies, she turned her children and family against him.

The lies were so destructive and painful he nearly had a nervous breakdown. He begged, pleaded, groveled, wept and cried to get her back. She destroyed this man's life because of an affair she wanted and tried to justify it with her own lies. This woman was very deceitful and filled with hate.

When I met with this man at my office, he was beside himself. He had nowhere to turn and his children wanted nothing to do with him. His wife hated him and was bent on taking him down. He asked me, “Dr. Mike, where do I go from here? I have done nothing that she has accused me of. I have been faithful to her and loved her, but she always seemed unhappy.I’ve tried talking with her, planning vacations, etc., but it just never worked out. I even asked her to go to marriage counseling, which she refused. I know I wasn't a perfect husband, but I tried everything possible to make her happy. “

He told me that he found out who the guy was, what kind of job he had and the type of people he was involved with.He also knew how many times he was divorced and even current relationships the man was involved in. He had all the emails they sent each other with the time and date stamps on them.He wanted to know why another man would take his wife away, knowing full-well she was still married. That was a fair question. Relationships can be so complex!They are hard to understand at times. “Who should get the blame,” he asked? I told him, “They both should. He shares in equal blame.The reason you feel it’s more your wife's fault is because she is the focal point of your pain.”

If you suspect that your spouse/partner is reconnecting with a former girlfriend, boyfriend, lover, etc., you need to confront them immediately. The longer you delay the more damage there will be and the possibility of your marriage will come to an end is likely. Confronting your spouse is not a bad thing - doing absolutely nothing is. You need a game plan when you talk to your spouse/partner. If you accuse them without knowing what you're going to say, you’re headed for trouble so plan on that! More and more relationships have ended from social websites than ever before. If you are tempted to look up an old boyfriend or girlfriend, don't. There is no reason to risk hurting your relationship with your spouse/partner by looking for past loves. Protect that relationship you're in, guard it and enjoy it! Trying to rekindle a relationship with an old flame never works, especially if you're in a committed relationship.

Do you suspect that your spouse has been cheating on you by using Facebook or Classmates.com? Have you seen the signs of them spending time texting excessively or on the computer? Do you need help in confronting your spouse/partners suspicious behavior? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to contact Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. Don't allow an old love to destroy your relationship.

If your marriage has ended because of any type of social media and you need someone to talk to, or need help in overcoming the pain you’re going through, please call Dr. Mike. He can help you. He has helped several people through the process of a broken relationship caused by social media infidelity.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

Remember Flip Wilson playing the character of “Reverend Leroy “pastor of the “Church of What’s Happening Now,” and “Geraldine Jones,” the sassy African-American woman in a miniskirt? His characters were always blaming their bad behavior on the devil.  That famous line, "The Devil Made Me Do it." was hysterical!  It was funny as I watched it as a kid, but as an adult, I see people blaming the devil for every serious mistake they make.  As Wayne Stiles, Executive Vice President and Chief Content Officer at Insight for Living wrote, “In the Garden of Eden, God confronted the first man and woman after they sinned, and their reaction set the course for an entire race of blame-shifters.

The man said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate.” Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” And the woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” (Genesis 3:12-13, emphasis added)

I remember listening to an argument a few months ago that left me dumbfounded!  This particular man accused his wife of forcing him to stray outside of their marriage because he claimed she wasn't a good housekeeper, was a lousy cook which forced him to go find a woman who could perform these important “wifely duties”. 

She fought back the tears and informed him that in her mind, he wasn’t exactly her Casanova! She didn’t like how overweight he was, thought he was inept at fixing things around the house and resented how he ignored their boys. She went on to say that she deserved a man who could love her for who she was and was willing to work with her and that she was going to seek this man out!  Man oh man did that get his attention!    At first he blamed his wife. Then he made a startling statement, "I have not been myself lately. It's like the devil is living inside of me."  Wow!  At least he saw the damage he had done. This couple finally worked things out and now enjoys a great marriage. They work together as a team on the issues that had them at their wit’s end.

We give the devil to much credit, when it’s actually our own bad decisions that make a mess of our lives. When we know right from wrong and we still go the wrong direction, it is we who pays the price for doing the wrong thing. Yes, I know when we decide to follow the little voice that tells us, "its ok no one will care and no one will know” that we then manage to justify our actions and set the process in motion for certain disaster! When we choose to do wrong we ignore the questions.  "If no one knows what I’m doing then what's the harm?  It's ok to do this, heck everyone else is, why not me?” When in truth, we know very well that what we are doing is wrong. Most people don't get caught in their deceit.  That is why they continue to live a life of discreet danger; for the thrill and excitement.


It's so much easier to blame someone or something and not take responsibility for our actions. When we do something wrong we need to admit it and correct it right away. Believe me, no one gets a pass on temptation. Some of the most respected people I know will tell you they have had to face their own bad choices and own up to them. More often than not, we are our own worst enemy. Again, we all make our share of mistakes but when we deny what we have done it will only makes the problem worse and people will question your motives and actions. I see it happen all the time.

That's when we have to look at ourselves and be totally honest. Why do we do the things we do? The first step in fixing the problem is admitting we are at fault and speak the truth to ourselves. Do you need help in this area? Then contact Dr. Mike today!  He can help you get your life back on the right track!

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.