When a brother betrays you!
I had a great friend of mine betray me. I was hurt beyond measure. I lost sleep over the matter, and lost a wonderful friendship as well. I shared great confidences with this guy. I poured out my heart to him, as he did with me. I was in my 30’s and enjoying my life. Things were good and life never seemed better, until……
I was dating one woman who I wasn’t sure about. We hit it off, she enjoyed just about everything I did. We hiked, rode bikes, enjoy photography, went to concerts, even liked cooking together. We went out for several months, and my friend never had dates, he was kind of a loner. I was sharing with him about maybe wanting to date other women. He listened to my thoughts, and we talked about why I was feeling the way I did. I told him that the woman I was dating was wonderful, but something was missing. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. I told him that I was going to talk with her and see if we could talk about my feelings and her feelings.
Two days later I received a phone call from her wanting to have a meeting with me. I picked her up and she was very quiet on the drive to a restaurant we enjoyed going to. We were seated and ordered our drinks and meal. She said that she called this meeting because she heard that I wanted to date other women. I knew instantly that my friend talked with her and told her about our conversation. I was shocked that he would do such a thing! We talked and she was hurt. We agreed just to move on and date others.
Once I got home I called my friend and confronted him on the phone. He first denied my accusation, then broke down and told me he called her behind my back. He wasn’t sorry, just angry he got caught. I had a decision to make, what should I do with someone who betrayed my confidence? When you trust someone with matters of the heart, you are being vulnerable. I ended the friendship, and felt that I learned a valuable lesson. Say less, listen more. Many people will trust friends with all their secrets, and for most people this is not a problem. Over time you know when you can trust someone that has your best interests at heart. I have many clients who have shared that they have been betrayed and hurt with broken confidences. I have a saying, “whatever is whispered in secret, will be shouted from the rooftop”. I know some folks that if they can find someone that will listen, they will poor their hearts out openly and without a second thought. Sharing details that can destroy so many lives. Be extremely careful in what you tell others, expect what you say to be shared with others. If your someone who reveals secrets and betrays someone’s confidence, then you need to stop, here are some thoughts on how you can stop!
Ask yourself why
The first order of business is to ask yourself why you reveal secrets. Does it make you feel important or superior in some way? Does it make you feel like you have the inside scoop? Knowing your motivation can help you get a better grasp on the problem.
Consider the consequences.
Before revealing the next secret entrusted to you, consider the potential consequences. You could lose a good friend who trusted you. Is it really worth paying that high of a price? Certainly a friendship is more important than the satisfaction of gossiping.
Reward yourself for staying mum.
If you want to stop telling secrets, give yourself a reward every time you refrain from dishing the dirt on someone. Celebrate with a cappuccino or a pedicure. Pretty soon you’ll break the habit.
Realize that you’ll eventually be “found out”.
You may get by with revealing a secret one time, but it will eventually catch up with you. The person you tell will tell someone else and it will turn into hot gossip eventually getting back to the person who told you. Is it really worth it?
Put yourself in the other person’s place.
Before telling secret that someone relayed to you in confidence, put yourself in the other person’s place. How would you feel? Top stop telling secrets, show respect and empathy for the other person.
If you would like some help in dealing with personal issues in your life or the relationship that you’re in, you can contact Mike at 303.456.0555. If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike’s website is www.applicablecoaching.com all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike’s blog at: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog/ I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today’s coaching article. Mike is also available for speaking engagements.