Is Separating a Good Thing? (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Did you know that separation can help some people recover from of infidelity? Think about it, trust is the biggest deal breaker in most relationships, right? Without it, there is really nothing that will keep a relationship together. Unfortunately, many marriages will have one of the spouse’s cheat on the other. It happens, and we can’t hide that fact. So, how does a trial separation help a couple dealing with an affair?

• An affair causes so much sadness; it’s like the death of two close friends. Infidelity is also similar to the death of a relationship. We grieve over the loss of trust especially from someone we are married to. An important fact to know that there is no time limit for someone grieving over their spouse that cheated on them. This is an important part of the healing process. It must happen for the healing to begin.
• Figuring out what caused the affair, this can be nerve-racking for the one cheated on. Many affairs start because of the lack of sex in the relationship, or the opportunity that someone couldn’t pass it up. Either way, I would suggest not going into detail about any part of the physical affair.
• Learning how to trust again by communication. The more open you are about your needs in your relationship, the deeper the trust level grows. Being open takes courage and letting go of your insecurities. I know trust is earned over a period of time, that is entirely up to you and your spouse how long this will be.
• Getting to know yourself during the separation period can open some doors, that long have been closed. Learning who you are during this process can reveal some of the things you need to work on. If you feel like your self-esteem has taken a hit, then, by all means, work on it, if self-discipline is another area that you need to spend time on, make it happen. Use this time to better yourself and learn to love yourself again.
• I would suggest not running off to find a lawyer to start the divorce paperwork. Take some time to think about your next steps. If a trial separation is something you may want to consider, then sit down and make some ground rules you both can live by.

Time does heal; it’s just a matter if you can work out the details and try to make your relationship work. I think people should at least give it a try and see what happens. I know some men and women will never agree to try after they have been cheated on. I understand that if they can’t, why try? It would only lead to heartache at the worst.

Do you feel frustrated about your failing marriage or relationship? Do you need help in saving your marriage and family from divorce? Do you have a spouse or partner who isn’t communicating with you and you want it restored? Do you want help in learning good communication skills? Are you the partner who wants to end your relationship because it’s unhealthy? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to contact Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. Please call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878. If you need help.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

If You’re Considering Divorce (1)

By Dr. Michael Brooks

I am amazed by the people wanting out of their marriages and the reasons why. I don’t question the intent of the person seeking a divorce as there are some good reasons to leave a marriage. But some of the reasons I hear seem to be knee jerk reactions out of anger or revenge. More often than not, once the person wanting the divorce cools off, cooler heads prevail. Then civil communication usually begins, and the couple tries to talk things over. That’s how it’s supposed to happen, so they say!

There are many reasons why people divorce, some good and some bad. The ones that are the most common and that I hear: are falling out of love, physical and emotional adultery, drugs, and alcohol, spousal abuse, and abandonment. Most people who deal with these reasons for divorcing have some idea somethings not right in their marriage and want to move on with their lives. There is the small percentage of folks caught off guard that are so trusting that their partner would never cheat on them, then they find out their spouse cheated and are devastated and crushed. The drinking and drugs usually have warning signs that most people can see. There is so much damage that happens in a marriage when alcoholism is involved. One person is trying to survive why the other lives in denial. It’s a tough situation to be in.

Before you consider getting a divorce, check out all your options. I suggest couples or individual marriage counseling to help you decide.

Divorce has stabilized the last ten years; there are many reasons for that. The availability of helpful resources from within the community, or churches. The economy is improving. This younger generation seems to communicate better with each other, and a host of other reasons.

I’ve spent years counseling couples and exposing the myths of divorce and how to overcome these myths with truth and facts. I have to be honest with my feelings. I have seen couples that didn’t have any reason for a divorce per say, but still went ahead and got divorced. It was hard for me to understand all the reasons these people divorce, but that’s their decision, not mine.

So here is the main reason for this article today on why people are considering divorce. In the many years that I have counseled and coached couples deciding if they wanted a divorce, here are few of the reasons for couples splitting up today.

• Emotional affairs: There is no physical intimacy in the beginning, but this can change over a period of time. The emotional affair usually starts through texting, phone contact or even Skype.
• Physical affairs: These usually happen when an individual is looking to have their needs met, physically, or emotionally. This starts out as friends and advances into something more. One or both of the people involved in a physical affair are both surprised by this.
• Alcohol and drug abuse: I have had some clients that had no clue that the person they married had any kind problems in this area. I have seen some individuals so traumatized by a spouse who lied about their drinking or drug habits.
• Physical abuse: Many divorces are a result of physical abuse. They are either hit, slapped, beaten, kicked, punched, pushed, shoved and fear for their lives. Both men and women can do this to their spouse. The damage this can cause the entire immediate family is heartbreaking.
• Emotional abuse: This is starting to become a bigger problem within marriages. The internet has advanced this problem by some of the music video’s showing mostly women being abused by men verbally. It’s a common sign that a marriage is headed for trouble once this begins.
• Lack of love, falling out of love, common interests, no passion, and unrealistic expectations. These are considered major distractions in marriage and are the most repairable yet can be annoying to the one who wants the marriage to work.

The issues that are affecting couples today can be several but integrated into one problem. For example, the emotional and physical affairs usually tend to be combined. I had one client several years ago ask his wife if she was having an emotional affair after he saw her texts on her phone, it escalated to “are you also having an intimate relationship as well.” It didn’t end well; the affair cost them their marriage.

Do you suspect that you’re falling out of love with your spouse? Do you feel like your relationship is drifting apart? Has the lack of love in your relationship caused your spouse/partner to cheat on you by using Facebook or Classmates.com? Have you seen the signs of them spending time texting excessively or on the computer? Do you need help in confronting your spouse/partners suspicious behavior? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to contact Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. Don’t allow an old love to destroy your relationship. If your marriage has been threatened by or has ended because of a social media affair and you need someone to talk to, or need help in overcoming the pain you’re going through, please call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878. He can help you. He has helped several people through the process of a broken relationship caused by social media infidelity.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!