The Day you Decide to Divorce (3) By Dr. Michael Brooks

I have spoken to several clients who are just fed up with the state of their marriages, and out frustration, are angry that no changes are happening. What do they do? Many just go and file for divorce. Their done and have felt they have given it they’re all. They have talked, begged, and pleaded with their spouse’s, to get help for their marriage and go to counseling with them. Many divorces that happen are done out of spite or ignorance. There are many well thought out divorces, and they have all their ducks in a row. They have done all their research, and emotionally they are ready, come hell or high water. The best advice I can give you is to explore ALL your options. Look at the pro’s and cons and the ramifications of what your divorce will do to you, and to your kid’s.

Seriously, it’s up to you to do your homework and see what you can do to figure out all options. You have several areas that you must consider before filing. What will happen to your children? Living arrangements (where will you live)? Will you need to sell your home and move to an apartment? What about your finances, child custody arrangements, retirement plans, friends, etc? There is so much to consider in your divorce process.

Take some time just by yourself and reflect on why you want a divorce? Ask yourself, what will a divorce do for you? This will give you some insight on your next steps. I had a client do this, and she called me thanking me for giving her this advice. She took some time off of work and sat down at the kitchen table and put pen to paper and came up with several solutions and decided which one would work best for her. She struggled with her emotional feelings about her husband, and her children, but she came to the conclusion that she would give counseling one more try. She sat down with her husband and shared with him her thoughts on divorce and what they could do to avoid it. They both came up with a plan and made it work. I know many people who get divorced cannot stand their spouses and want out of their marriage and have come to that conclusion with no hesitation. All I’m asking is for you to get alone by yourself and pray, think and have facts before you decide. This will help you make a wise decision for your future. 

How many people do you think want to get a divorce for one or more of the following reasons.

• Marital unfaithfulness, habitual cheater
• Emotional affairs, the internet, texting, and phone
• No longer in love
• Finances
• Step-children
• In-laws
• Drugs and alcohol addictions
• Roommate relationships
• Poor communication
• Trust issues
• Disrespect and verbal abuse

This certainly could be a very long list if we added some of your reasons. Now looking at this list, how many of the reasons listed above could be helped with counseling/coaching? I would say most under the right conditions. Some people see no help in trying to restore their marriage relationship. They have decided to give up no matter who tries to talk to them. They have been burned and want out.

If you have decided to divorce and there is no turning back, I have advice for you. Have a plan before committing to divorce. Make sure that you understand the laws of your state and what has to take place. Seek good counsel with a plan that allows you to be fair and not vengeful towards your soon to be ex. If you have children involved in your divorce, make sure that you’re respectful towards your spouse. Even in divorce you can show mercy and be fair without pounding your soon to be ex into the ground. Bitterness can and will drag you down and make you feel worthless in public opinion. So, avoid getting even or revenge on your soon to be ex. You have to be above board when dealing with your ex and their lawyer. The more fighting you do between each other and through your lawyers in the long run will be costing big bucks. Trust me on this!

Ask yourself these questions; am I filing because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then give Dr. Mike a call he can help with this difficult process of deciding on your next steps and what to do. Call him at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did! You can call him at 303.880.9878

The Day you Decide to Divorce (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

I had a client who shared his angry feelings about his wife with his close friends at a bar one day. A few of these friends didn’t like his wife because she complained that he was out partying with his friends and not home with the family. So, here was an opportunity for his buddies to get payback at her for asking him to come home after hanging out with them. My client listened to his friends, and one of his co-workers convinced him to use his divorce lawyer that he used (just to check out his options). Without talking to his wife about his feelings and while he was all worked up went and spoke to this friend’s lawyer. The lawyer said that he would take his case if he needed him. So on the advice of his drinking buddies he filed for divorce, his wife was served divorce papers having no clue what her husband was up to. When served she tried calling him at work and he wouldn’t answer her calls. She then went to his job site and confronted him with the divorce papers she was served. He gave her the silent treatment, and she was asked to leave the job site by his bosses for creating a scene. She was an emotional wreck and tried keeping peace in the home with their children. He moved out and went and lived with his friend who suggested that he get a divorce and talk to his lawyer.

In our first meeting, he mentioned to me it was fun at first, he and his friend went to bars, parties and drank heavily at the house he stayed at. He would go to work hung-over, and his co-workers would encourage him to stop going to late night parties. Some of his friends at work told him that his personality was changing for the worse. His bosses confronted him one day while at work and said that he’d get no more warnings about being late for work or being hung-over, the next time he would be fired. His friend that he was living with said that he shouldn’t let people at work tell him how to live his life. Well, you can imagine, he lost his job for being hung-over and not being able to do his job.

I will tell you, don’t share your marriage troubles with outsiders. They will give you bad advice and have no invested interest in you or your spouse’s marriage except to be a busy body (gossip) and give you bad misinformation. Here are my tips for keeping your private issues private.

• Talk to your spouse first, before sharing with friends or family
• Make sure that if you have any conflicts between you or your spouse talk them out first
• Avoid sharing any information about your marriage with a known gossip
• Encourage you and your spouse to seek counseling/coaching before talk with a lawyer or filing for a divorce
• Be honest with your feeling why you are talking about wanting a divorce
• One of the main reasons for someone wanting a divorce is the lack of communication. It’s a problem that you can work on and address right away.
• Listen well when talking about getting a divorce, what are the reasons and can you both agree to work on trying to resolve the problems.
• If you do share with someone, please get someone who has no bias opinion of either of you. Find a straight shooter who cares for both of you.
• Make sure that your children are not involved with the initial process of trying to figure out your next steps in divorcing or not divorcing.

Ask yourself these questions; am I filing because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then give Dr. Mike a call he can help with this difficult process of deciding on your next steps and what to do. Call him at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did! 303.880.9878