As I mentioned in my previous article, my client and I planned each step of the long journey to reconciliation. After he confronted his wife with the love letters, the next step would address how he could win her heart back. I asked him what his wife enjoyed when they first started dating. He thought for a moment then told me she liked it when he bought her chocolates. He couldn’t remember what kind of chocolate so that’s when I sent him off with his next assignment – to find out what kind of chocolate it was without asking her. “What else did she like?” I asked. “Flowers” he responded. “Ok, what kind of flowers?” ” Well,” he went on to say, “she likes roses, white and red ones.” Then I asked him, “Do you see where I am going with this?” “Yes, I do,” he said. “I have to date her all over again, and win her heart.”
At first she refused his attempts to do little things together. He would have dinner ready when she came home from work and would get her favorite treats when he picked up the groceries. I told him it would take time to win her heart back, if he could at all. He was in it for the long haul and took every opportunity he had. He learned the art of small talk and avoided challenging her or debating their conversations. He worked on his listening skills and actually learned how to listen to her.
When she finally opened up and began talking with him, he had to bite his tongue a few times and not say the things he wanted to say. But once he got the hang of it, he was able to open his heart as well. Just this one little change on his part started the healing process. Each of us has to find out what changes are required to make an improvement in our relationships. Many people will cop out and say, “Those kinds of changes are no big deal!” Not true. If you are the one who is making those changes to win your spouse back, then you will put your heart and soul into it. It will be a big deal to you.
The next major hurdle for my client was not asking where his wife was when she came home late after work. This flies in the face of being understanding and reasonable, but it also creates a divisive attitude between you and your spouse. Win your spouse over with the healthy changes that you need to make.
You will never get anywhere if you are demanding your spouse to change for you. Give them a reason to want to come back home to you. The changes you make will help them see you are the one they need to be with – not the person they left you for. Many marriage counselors will tell you to divorce the wayward spouse. I believe that the heart can change, and will do so under the right circumstances. You have to make sure that the commitment you make to the marriage is also seen by your spouse. Healing is needed on both sides. Provide the right atmosphere for that and watch what happens.
There will be times that you will want to bring up the past and times that you want the details of the affair. There will also be times that you just want to give up. I can’t guarantee your marriage will survive the affair; however, if you want to make it work, I want to encourage you to fight the good fight to keep your marriage alive. You can do it! I have seen it happen many times!
If you want to save your marriage and need help doing so, contact Dr. Mike for his advice. You will receive a free, no obligation, 30-minute consultation. Call today for your appointment.