Deciding to divorce,

Finding the healing you need

This week’s article is about healing. Most people do not realize the amount of emotional damage that is done in the name of divorce. Unfortunately, many of those who pass through my office doors don’t know how to work through that pain which is why they contact me.

When couples separate and divorce, life begins to unravel. Many experience deep emotional pain that seems to last forever. After my divorce I felt like my heart would break into pieces! I remember the heartache I felt and longed for the pain to end. Over the years I’ve met people who have spent years struggling with the pain of divorce. They had no hope or joy in their lives. When I went through my divorce I knew I didn’t want to struggle with my pain so I began looking for ways to heal. As I looked past the pain, I thought about the kind of future I wanted. Did I want to struggle with the pain or did I want to find freedom and move on with my life? I chose the path to healing!

As a young man just starting my career I wondered where I would be in a year, three years and five years down the road. I had lost the love of my life, my family, my home and our close friends. I tried to find ways to heal by reading books, talking to friends and anyone who I thought would understand my pain. After wrestling with the feelings of loss and loneliness I decided to face my grief head on. The first thing I did was I make a list of the things I had lost. The list included losses that would affect me as a husband, father, business owner and friend. I would encourage you to do the same. Make a list of the losses you have right now and what you think you may face in future. Keep adding to that list as you go through your divorce. This list will help you keep focused on areas that need your attention. For example, if loneliness is on your list then put together a plan that will help eliminate those lonely times. I filled my days with hikes, trips to the library and photography. It kept me busy and kept the loneliness at bay.

Along with loneliness, what are some of the barriers to the grieving process? After years of counseling couples, I have found that fighting and arguing can be two of the main obstacles to healing. The more fighting and arguing there is, the longer it takes to grieve and then heal. To move forward with your life you will need to find ways to resolve your differences. For some, finding out their marriage is ending is the first of many shocking and grievous events.

I recall the first in a series of shocking events that led to heartbreaking grief. I was having lunch with my wife one afternoon enjoying pleasant conversation. After about an hour I asked her if we could head home. I had spent the morning taping a fishing show and was exhausted from being in the sun. She lingered a bit longer then finally agreed to drive home. She seemed nervous as she drove and I noticed she had taken the long way home. As we finally drove down our street, I saw several trucks backed into the front lawn of our home. I watched in disbelief as several of her friends loaded our furniture into the bed of the trucks. I was in total shock! I looked at her with complete and utter surprise and with no emotion she said, “We need to have a talk.” Imagine my shock! I felt like I was on a runaway train. My emotions went from high to low in a matter of minutes. I had no idea how to deal with the emotions I was feeling.

How do we grieve when we have a broken heart and realize our marriage is coming to an end? I experienced grief on a scale I had never experienced before when I realized I would no longer be married to my best friend. I had to accept the fact that she wasn’t going to be the one I could count on when I needed her most. As I look back I realize now that this was all a part of the grieving process. There were no shortcuts and there was no need to rush through it.

I now recognize that it’s a painful but necessary part of the healing process. Dealing with the grief can’t be avoided. Just remember, when you go through it, it’s a part of your recovery from the shock of divorce. Find someone that will share your pain with you. It needs to be someone that will listen and not necessarily give advice. Many of my clients ask if they will ever get over the grief of their divorce. The answer is yes! But you must allow yourself the time to heal. It’s also a time to learn from your divorce and live one day at a time!

Are you experiencing a difficult time in your marriage and need help? Is your spouse avoiding meaningful conversation with you about the problems in your marriage? Are you struggling with the execution and planning of your divorce? Would you like to learn communication tools that are helpful when talking with your spouse about repairing your marriage? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Give me a call today!

Many of you have expressed an interest in talking with me about how to save your marriage, or how to end it. Having gone through the pain myself, I’d be glad to help. Click here to receive a free 30-minute appointment, I’m making my calendar available for you to schedule a free no obligation 30 minute appointment to see if divorce coaching or divorce counseling can help you. so I can help walk you through the process, step-by-step, whatever option you choose.

It won’t just go away by itself. Let me help you resolve one of the most painful times in your life, so you can start moving forward again. Make that your first step right now.

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