Deciding to divorce,

Deciding to Divorce
(Part Seven)
Am I ready for a new relationship?

I remember asking myself that question and wondering if I was finally over my divorce. Sure, some emotions would pop up from time to time butI was no longer dwelling on her. I felt it was time to move on. However, over the years I have seen many clients in my office that remarried and again were heading to divorce court. Second and third marriages seldom last. I didn’t want to be a statistic.

Let’s look at why most remarriages fail. Let’s face it, we all get lonely and feel an empty void. We want to share life with someone special and long for companionship. I’ve seen this scenario play out many times. You meet someone who takes an interest in you, the sparks begin to fly and the next thing you know you’re involved in a dating relationship. It’s exciting! You begin to tell your friends about this new person in your life and your friends are excited for you too. You’re spending lots of time together and you think you’re falling in love. You tell yourself, “Wow, I just met this person three weeks ago, and it seems like we’ve known each other for years.” However, the person who has their head on straight would be saying, “Slow down, whoa, I am moving too quickly, take time to get to know this person.” Unfortunately most people don’t do this. They proceed with reckless abandon.

Does this sound familiar to you? It’s sad, but I hear it all the time in my office. “I know I rushed into this relationship and married too soon.” One of the main reasons second and third marriages fail is that couples don’t take the time to really get to know each other. That’s why dating for a long period of time is so important. You might say to yourself, “I will not make the same mistakes twice. I learned from my bad marriage.” We learn from our past mistakes when we’ve reasoned why we made the mistakes in the first place. This is key to enjoying a successful new relationship. Some second and third marriages fail because couples rely completely on each other for their happiness. No marriage is happy 100% of the time. People will fail you, sometimes on purpose and sometimes by accident. When disappoints happen it can cause a rift between you and your new spouse. Understanding that happiness comes from within will eliminate much of the frustration.

Another big question I’m frequently asked is “How long should I wait before I get involved in a serious relationship?” First of all, if you’re not divorced yet, or you’re just separated then dating is off limits. That being said, I suggest that you wait 1 to 3 years before getting into a serious relationship. It takes that long to heal and to get back on track. You will know you’re ready when you no longer live in the past and can focus on the present and the future. It’s important to feel confident living by yourself and that you do not rely on anyone to fill up the time you spend alone. Once you can sort out problems and issues without panic or fear, you’ll know you’re ready to take that new step.

Before you start dating you need to ask yourself how you feel about your former spouse. Do you feel there’s a chance for reconciliation? If your answer is yes, then dating is out of the question. Focus on rebuilding that relationship, not starting a new one. Many of my clients have admitted to giving up too soon on their marriage and have regretted it long after they were divorced. Misunderstandings and lack of communication are common but are not necessarily grounds for divorce. Dating too soon can put an end to any chance your marriage might be restored.

Getting sexually involved early in a relationship is asking for trouble. A relationship that is based on sex and not moral character is a relationship that will not last. There is no foundation when this is a barometer for a new relationship. Remember folks, sex is only 10% of a marriage, if even that! So have a moral compass when it comes to sex. Build the relationship on the kind of person you’re looking for and not how they perform sexually.

What do you need in a healthy, new relationship? Can you list those things that would give you a solid foundation? What are your “must haves” in a new relationship? Have you set your boundaries for dating?

In this series, I will help you examine the process of getting divorced. We’ll take a close look at what to expect and will share critical information you need to know. If you or your spouse is considering divorce, prior to making that final, life-changing decision, please call me. I can help you prepare for your divorce.

Are you experiencing a difficult time in your marriage and need help? Is your spouse avoiding talking with you about the problems in your marriage? Are you struggling with the execution and planning of your divorce? Would you like to learn communication tools that are helpful when talking with your spouse about repairing your marriage? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Give me a call today!

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