If You’re Considering Divorce By Dr. Michael Brooks

If You’re Considering Divorce (3)

By Dr. Michael Brooks

Many relationships have failed because of the lack of communication and lack of commitment to work on the relationship. The longer you delay, the more damage there will be, and the possibility that your marriage will come to an end is likely. Confronting your spouse is not a bad thing – doing absolutely nothing is. You need a game plan when you talk to your spouse/partner. If you accuse them without knowing what you’re going to say, then you’re headed for trouble. More and more relationships have ended from social media websites than ever before. If you are tempted to look up an old boyfriend or girlfriend, don’t. There is no reason to risk hurting your relationship with your spouse/partner by looking for past loves. Protect that relationship you’re in, guard it and enjoy it! Trying to rekindle a relationship with an old flame never works, especially if you’re in a committed relationship.

Head And Shoulders Portrait Of Unhappy Mature Woman At Home

Emotional affairs are more common than ever!

Here are my tips for confronting someone caught cheating in an emotional and physical affair:

  • Have the evidence printed out or show them the text
  • Do it in a place that has privacy (no children)
  • Do not accuse without proof; it’s just hearsay until they can see text
  • Witnesses that are willing to admit they saw your spouse with another person
  • Try to have a civil discussion, do not physically touch the other person out of anger, do not emotionally or verbally abuse your spouse. All these things can be used against you in court. If at all possible record your talk with your spouse/partner.
  • Get counseling for the both of you and see if the marriage can be salvaged one way or another. If not then next step is to consult with a lawyer and see what you need to do to move forward.
  • If the cheating spouse cannot admit to having an emotional or physical affair with your proof, then talk to a lawyer.

The lack of love, common interests, no passion, and unrealistic expectations are big reasons why divorces are so high. These are considered major distractions in marriage and are the most repairable fixes yet can be so annoying to the one who wants the marriage to work. Believe it or not falling out of love with your spouse is one of the leading causes for divorce. It’s actually ahead of emotional and physical abuse. Affairs used to top the list of reasons for divorce, but couples are making more attempts in salvaging their marriages from infidelity. Healing for couples from infidelity is on the rise, couples are now wanting to fix the problem instead of giving up on the relationship.

Falling out of love requires self-reflection from each person, why are we falling out of love? I say it’s a slow process and not immediate. You grow apart slowly and don’t realize it. You find other distractions in your life, usually centered around people or activities. If you feel that you’re drifting apart from your spouse, NOW is the time to act and do something about it. Sit down with your spouse/partner and talk about your feelings. This falling out of love is not a death sentence but a wake-up call that should not be ignored. A healthy relationship has periods of where you like to be close and do things together, and there will be times that you like alone time or time with your friends. If you have a tendency to want to be alone and avoid spending time with your spouse, this is a warning indicator you better connect with your spouse and get some help. If you need to figure out what your next steps are and need counseling/coaching call my office and I can help you.

Do you suspect that you’re falling out of love with your spouse? Do you feel like your relationship is drifting apart? Has the lack of love in your relationship caused your spouse/partner to cheat on you by using Facebook or Classmates.com? Have you seen the signs of them spending time texting excessively or on the computer? Do you need help in confronting your spouse/partners suspicious behavior? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to contact Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. Don’t allow an old love to destroy your relationship. If your marriage has been threatened by or has ended because of a social media affair and you need someone to talk to, or need help in overcoming the pain you’re going through, please call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878. He can help you. He has helped several people through the process of a broken relationship caused by social media infidelity.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

If You’re Considering Divorce (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

If You’re Considering Divorce (2)

By Dr. Michael Brooks

This week we will continue the article on “if you’re considering divorce.” The following weeks will have some insights on how to repair your relationship if this is a problem. Another example is a recent client of mine told me about how his wife had reconnected with an old boyfriend from high school through Facebook. They hadn’t seen each other in 38 years and considered each other their “first love.” As we all know, a “first love” is a strong bond to break especially when there was physical intimacy involved. He told me that her old boyfriend found her on Facebook and sent her a friend request. She responded back by telling him she was married and had four children. He wanted to hear more about her life and what she had been doing all those 38 years through texting. Unbeknownst to her, he had been divorced twice and was planning on getting involved with her.

A woman praying with light beams coming down.

Before you file for divorce, you better have facts.

Eventually realizing through getting reconnected with her ex-boyfriend, her marriage seemed unfulfilling, and unfortunately, she shared that with her ex-boyfriend. He was an engineer and had been divorced for three years. He wanted to reconnect with her, and she thought it would be nice to see him too. So she traveled to Ohio to meet him and never told her husband where she was going.

She packed her bags for a supposedly “weekend getaway” with some of her girlfriends from work. When she returned from the trip, she told her husband of 30+ years that she was divorcing him. She wanted out and had talked to a lawyer about putting the divorce together. She also told their grown children that she was divorcing their father and told all kinds of lies about him for the reasons she was leaving. She also told the children that he was unfaithful and abusive towards her. The lies got even worse the more time she spent with her old flame talking on the phone and chatting on Facebook. With her lies, she turned her children, family, and friends against him. The lies were so destructive and painful he nearly had a nervous breakdown. He begged, pleaded, groveled, wept and cried to get her back. She destroyed this man’s life because of an affair she wanted and tried to justify it with her lies. This woman was very deceitful and filled bitter feelings towards her husband. When I met with this man at my office, he was beside himself.

He had nowhere to turn, and his children wanted nothing to do with him. His wife hated him and was bent on taking him down. He asked me, “Dr. Mike, where do I go from here? I have done nothing that she has accused me of. I have been faithful to her and loved her, but she always seemed unhappy. I’ve tried talking with her, planning vacations, etc., but it just never worked out. I even asked her to go to marriage counseling, which she refused. I know I wasn’t a perfect husband, but I tried everything possible to make her happy. “

He told me that he found out who the guy was, what kind of job he had and the type of people he was involved with. He also knew how many times he was divorced and even current relationships the man was involved in. He had all the emails they sent each other with the time and date stamps on them. He wanted to know why another man would take his wife away, knowing full-well she was still married. That was a fair question. Relationships can be so complex! They are hard to understand at times. “Who should get the blame,” he asked me? I told him, “They both should. He shares in the equal responsibility. The reason you feel it’s more your wife’s fault is that she is the focal point of your pain.” If you suspect that your spouse/partner is reconnecting with a former girlfriend, boyfriend, lover, etc., you need to confront them immediately.

 Do you suspect that you’re falling out of love with your spouse? Do you feel like your relationship is drifting apart? Has the lack of love in your relationship caused your spouse/partner to cheat on you by using Facebook or Classmates.com? Have you seen the signs of them spending time texting excessively or on the computer? Do you need help in confronting your spouse/partners suspicious behavior? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to contact Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. Don’t allow an old love to destroy your relationship. If your marriage has been threatened by or has ended because of a social media affair and you need someone to talk to, or need help in overcoming the pain you’re going through, please call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878. He can help you. He has helped several people through the process of a broken relationship caused by social media infidelity.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Are You Allowing Your Past to Poison Your Future (1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Are You Allowing Your past to poison your Future (1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Quick question, how many of us are still stuck in the past with the wrongs people have done to us? Let’s face it; we all know people in our lives who just won’t let go of things done to them or problems they have brought on by themselves. I think it’s extremely important that we look at why focusing on past failures, mistakes, unmet expectations can cloud our future.

Closeup portrait headshot senior man hard of hearing asking someone to speak up can't hear isolated gray wall background.

Dad was angry his daughters decided to plan their own futures.

I knew a man who just wouldn’t let go of his anger about the way his three daughters turned out. He had their education planned out, where they would go to college, how high their GPA’s should be. He controlled every aspect of their lives. He was very controlling about the people they dated. His wife had no say in his planning for the kid’s futures. He expected them to work in his engineering firm when they graduated from college. As we know, kids do their things, choose their own friends and the people they date. They also have a good idea on what they want to do for work and what school they want to attend.

As his daughters went through high school the battles began, fights occurred over several issues about their education, who they dated and their lifestyles. The dad felt he was losing control over his kids. Let’s just say the kids won out. He was insisting that they pay for their own education and living expenses. He checked out of their lives and became a recluse in his own home. When the girls came home on weekends, he had nothing to do with them. He avoided seeing them or speaking with them. He was always busy when the kids wanted to talk with him, and his wife confronted him about his behavior. This lead to big arguments with his wife and eventually a divorce that he didn’t want. But his pride got in the way, and he still wouldn’t budge.

When his oldest daughter got married, she wanted her dad to walk her down the isle, and he refused to attend her wedding. How bullheaded was this action towards his daughter? Most of us would agree that he took this to an extreme and lost out his daughter’s wedding. I look at it this way; he allowed his past to poison his future with his girls, wife, and God knows who else.

We will continue our story next week “Are You Allowing Your Past to Poison Your Future”! Plus, I’ll give you some tips on how to prevent the of poisoning your future.

Are you holding on to your past hurts and can’t experience joy in your life? Do you still hold on to memories and your future seems hopeless? Do you want to be free of your past so you can have a wonderful future? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give Dr. Mike a call at 303.880.9878. He can help you with relationship problems.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

I’m No Quitter, By Dr. Michael Brooks

I’m no Quitter, By Dr. Michael Brooks

I’ve run into a lot of people who just don’t have the stomach to keep trying working on their relationship. It’s status quo, and that’s fine by them. They cause needless suffering because of the self-pity they put themselves through about their relationship. Several years ago, I worked with a couple who just didn’t get along. They constantly blamed each other for the problems they were experiencing. Neither one could admit to any problems they caused it was always the other person’s fault. He said, she said..oh, it was hard for this couple to understand that they had poor communication skills.

Unhappy couple after fight not talking to each other

I’m No Quitter are you?

Then I asked a simple question, “which one of you wants to quit on your marriage?” The look on their faces was priceless. The husband said, “What are you talking about, we came here for you to help us, not ask us to quit on our marriage,” I responded by saying, I simply asked both of you a question that would help clarify where they were at in your marriage. The man started by saying, “I love my wife, and she is the best thing that ever happened to me.” She looked at him shocked, to be hearing those words coming from her husband. She stood up and walked over to him and looked at him, then at me. I’ve been waiting to hear those very words for over 15 years, why now?

She started to cry, and he walked over to her and held her. “Dr. Mike, we want a healthy marriage, we fight all the time, but I know we both want this marriage to work and are willing to do whatever it takes. Please help us.” His wife looked up at me and nodded in agreement. So let me get this straight, you both are not quitters and want to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work? Both nodded yes.

My friends this is the first step in saving any marriage from the ravages of divorce. Admit that you have problems and are willing to take the steps needed necessary in saving your relationship. I see quitters all the time, and these people are the ones who will make excuses and refuse to change. Here are some of the excuses that I hear from those who I consider are quitters.

  • I can’t change, this is the way I’ve been all my life
  • She married me this way; she knew what he/she was getting
  • I have too much going on in my life; it’s not that easy
  • Why now, has she been watching Dr. Phil and saw it on TV
  • Leave well enough alone; we don’t need to do this
  • Listen, it’s been just fine, and I’m OK with the things the way they are
  • If you bring this up one more time, I’m done with the marriage; it’s over

If you really want to salvage your marriage or any relationship for that matter, identify the issues and sit down and talk about them. This isn’t rocket science; it’s a “Matter of the Heart.” Talk about the entire relationship, not just the bad things, but talk about the good things in your relationship. Mix it up, after a heavy dose of reality talk about the good things, the fun things you do for each other and enjoy each others company. Believe me that goes a long way in a hurting relationship. Encourage and lift each other up. That’s my tip for this week.

Do you feel like quitting on your marriage? Are you tired of being the only one trying to save your relationship and need to know what your next steps should be? Do you need help in working on your relationship, so you don’t quit? If you answered yes to any of these questions set up an appointment with Dr. Mike and get the help you need. Call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

 

Why Do Women Cheat on Men? (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Why Do Women Cheat on Men? (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

So, what is the cure for unmet expectations or wandering eyes? What should the husband do to keep his wife happy at home? Is there a common sense fix here to help restore a damaged relationship due to an affair. Absolutely.

If a woman is considering having an affair, she should evaluate the consequences of having an affair. What will it do to her children? What will it do to her family? What will it do to her husband? What will it do for her moral compass? One study had shared some interesting facts about affairs, did you know that 50 to 60 percent of women admit that they have had an affair. Men are at 70 percent about admitting to having an affair. About 17 percent of divorces are due to affairs; I think that’s rather low considering the pain inflicted due to an affair.
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Some additional numbers for you to mull over are; In a 1991 study, sex researcher Shere Hite found that 70 percent of married women have cheated on their partners; a 1993 follow-up study found that 72 percent of married men have as well. According to a 2004 University of Chicago study, 25 percent of married men have had at least one extramarital affair.

There are all kinds of questions that she should be asking herself. I worked with a client who knew his wife was cheating on him. He had the evidence on email and texts. Initially, he was crushed and then decided to confront her. When he did confront her, she gave him an earful. She shared her reasons for cheating on him, and it matches with most of the FaceBook responses above. These were her reasons.

  • Not attentive to her needs.
  • Only paid attention to her when he wanted
  • Stayed at work too long, never called when he was going to be late in getting home.
  • Didn’t help with kids, school projects, getting ready for bed, spending time with kids.
  • Didn’t show appreciation for the things she did for him.
  • Didn’t make her a priority in the relationship.
  • Put his friends above her needs

She was pretty blunt in letting her feelings be known. She didn’t want to have the affair, what she wanted was her husband to take notice that she had needs as well. The affair was, as she stated, was to get her husband’s attention! It certainly did, and she moved on with her life. She said that he would never change. She was right; he accused her of cheating on him, but took no responsibility for his actions and his neglecting her needs.

I think we have seen a pattern in why women cheat, does it make it right, no not at all. I would suggest that women who feel that their spouses are not listening to them need to let them know in no uncertain terms that their needs are not being met in the emotional, and physical areas of the relationship. Be very detailed and have a plan as you share what your needs are. Sometimes, we men are not the greatest listeners and need to be reminded at times.

So you might ask yourself this question, what do I do if I’m a part of the cheating statistics? You’re not alone I’m sad to say. Both men and women are hurt by affairs. If you’re the cheater or the one cheated on there is help for you. You don’t have to struggle alone. If you know that you’re still in love with your spouse, and you want to work through this issue of infidelity and save your marriage, you can contact Dr. Mike and work on a plan to help restore your relationship. Forgiveness is key to move forward and make your marriage work. There needs to be trust reestablished and honest communication to heal a marriage. If you want to save your marriage contact, Dr. Mike, now!

Women, have you cheated on your spouse and you need to talk to someone who can help you sort out the reasons you cheated? Do you want help in preventing future affairs? Are you ready to move on and want to know how to forgive yourself and put your affair behind you? If you answered yes to any of these questions set up an appointment with Dr. Mike and get the help you need. Call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Why Do Woman Cheat on Men? (3) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Why Do Women Cheat on Men? (3) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Do you see the common link here with the Facebook responses from last week’s article? Neglect and unmet expectations were high on the list of reasons women cheated? Relationships live and die on the vine if there are misunderstandings and unmet expectations in the relationship. I didn’t share all the responses, but many were not out of the norm. Men, you better take note on why women cheat.

  • “I think that perhaps they are trying to fill a void that their husbands have neglected…. not just talking about sex, a much deeper emotional need…..people get complacent in relationships and don’t continue to nurture each other as they did before……”
  • “Being taken for granted. Lack of appreciation and significance. This is what I’ve heard most frequently.”

You don’t have to be married to have someone cheat on you. It can be your boyfriend, girlfriend as well. I know it causes broken hearts that may last a lifetime. It takes a toll on your emotional, and physical health and even spiritual health for some. Cheating isn’t a new concept or an idea over the past 500 years. This has been a problem since ancient of days.

Happy couple sitting in auditorium of 3D movie, eating popcorn.

Cheating spouses are lacking something infipreventing future affairs,  in their marriages.

Looking back at the man who called me and after several minutes of speaking with this man, I think he said it best when he made a bold statement. “I am probably the reason she had wandering eyes. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me.” I think he was spot on with this statement. We want to be a good provider for our spouse; (men and women) it’s in our DNA for the most part. Yes, we have some bad apples that make marriage hard and difficult at times.

So you might ask yourself this question, what do I do if I’m a part of the cheating statistics? You’re not alone I’m sad to say. Both men and women are hurt by affairs. If you’re the cheater or the one cheated on there is help for you. You don’t have to struggle alone. If you know that you’re still in love with your spouse, and you want to work through this issue of infidelity and save your marriage, you can contact Dr. Mike and work on a plan to help restore your relationship. Forgiveness is key to move forward and make your marriage work. There needs to be trust reestablished and honest communication to heal a marriage. If you want to save your marriage contact, Dr. Mike, now!

Women, have you cheated on your spouse and you need to talk to someone who can help you sort out the reasons you cheated? Do you want help in preventing future affairs? Are you ready to move on and want to know how to forgive yourself and put your affair behind you? If you answered yes to any of these questions set up an appointment with Dr. Mike and get the help you need. Call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Why Do Women Cheat on Men? (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Why Do Women Cheat on Men? (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Last week I posted this question on Facebook “why do women cheat on men?” The responses I received were amazing. Both men and women gave their opinions. It’s a universal problem we all deal with. We all know of someone who has cheated on their spouse for one reason or another.

So here is my post question on Facebook, asking the very question for the title for this story, “Why Do Women Cheat on Men?” The answers that I received from both men and women were pretty much in line with each other. Of course, these were just opinions, and some shared personal experiences while others just shared their thoughts as to why women cheat.

Cheating on your spouse is on the rise.

Here are a few of the responses to my question when I asked: “why do women cheat on men?” Read carefully what the responses were. Men again listen up to what people are saying!

  • “Unmet needs. When needs are not being met people venture outside of the marital bond to address their needs. Most affairs are not intentional. They usually surprise the “offender” just as much as their spouse. Once it starts, it’s hard to let go of that pleasure which then gives rise to secrecy and lies (most marriages fail due to loss of trust not the affair itself).”
  • “Same reason men cheat on women. Lack of attention. The belief that they have the right. No self-respect. Failure to commit. They enjoy the adrenaline rush of knowing they are doing something wrong and trying not to get caught. I could go all day on this.”
  • “It’s really, in this time, both genders have equal responsibilities and are ..which means both need validation, excitement, variety, I could go on forever. The roles have changed from 5 or more decades ago. I’m a firm believer with future generations; marriage will be a thing of the past…they will, in turn, be more like agreements or contracts. Men and women both cheat. I know I will get in trouble for saying this, but I have never met a man who did not at some time in his life. Although women sometimes struggle with it, they do too.”
  • “Woman are emotional beings. They need to feel that the person they are with love them, support them, respect them as an equal partner. Many men get so involved In their careers, feeling that being the bread winner is what makes them a good partner and forget that the family needs them to be involved in the family life and work on being a father and husband. Many men also have been raised that if you show emotions and affection that it makes them look weak or less of a man. Woman need to know every day by just a small show of affection that they are appreciated and loved. This does not give them an excuse to cheat, but it does cause a deterioration of the relationship.”

So, you might ask yourself this question; what do I do if I’m a part of the cheating statistics? You’re not alone I’m sad to say. Both men and women are hurt by affairs. If you’re the cheater or the one cheated on there is help for you. You don’t have to struggle alone. If you know that you’re still in love with your spouse, and you want to work through this issue of infidelity and save your marriage, you can contact Dr. Mike and work on a plan to help restore your relationship. Forgiveness is key to move forward and make your marriage work. There needs to be trust reestablished and honest communication to heal a marriage. If you want to save your marriage contact, Dr. Mike, now!

Women, have you cheated on your spouse and you need to talk to someone who can help you sort out the reasons you cheated? Do you want help in preventing future affairs? Are you ready to move on and want to know how to forgive yourself and put your affair behind you? If you answered yes to any of these questions set up an appointment with Dr. Mike and get the help you need. Call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878