The Final Goodbye (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

The Final Goodbye (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

This week, we’ll wrap up the Final Goodbye story. Take heart and know that each one of you makes a difference in most people lives that you meet in this journey we call life. Get out of your comfort zone and reach out to those who are lonely. I promise you; you will be glad you did.

After my seatmate on the Southwest flight shared his story I wondered how many men and women have no one to talk to; they suffer in silence by themselves. I think about those of us who are willing to be available for the hurting people we run into, whether from illness, divorce, or life’s difficulties there is a reward for us just by being there for them. There is a peace of mind in knowing that you provided comfort by being there for these people.
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You never know when that last conversation will be, I suggest that you reach out to those who you’ve lost contact with and make an effort to reconnect. It could be a family member, a close friend, a former teacher, who knows! It’s worth the effort to do so. Time does heal most wounded spirits. We all have them. I knew that my new friend was in a good place after we talked. She was ready for a new adventure when returning home, that was getting ready for medical intervention and surgery. What is it that you need to do to reach out to total strangers or family members. Is it uncomfortable and awkward for you, you’re not sure what to say, or you’ll say the wrong thing? I’d say, just be yourself and enjoy meeting someone and making a new friend.

Here is my challenge for you these next few months. Reach out to someone over the holidays. Many struggle with this time of year. They don’t have anyone to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Years day. Call long-lost family members or friends, make an effort to reach out and see how they’re doing. It takes a little effort on your part and would mean so much to them.

I remember as a high school kid working for a drug store on the south side of Chicago. I would deliver medications for those who couldn’t pick them up, mostly senior citizens. I had one lady during the holidays call the drug store and ask for me personally to deliver her items she ordered over the phone. Toothpaste, toilet paper, stationery, etc. I would always spend 15 minutes or so with her asking how her day was and what she had planned for the evening. She always had cookies waiting when I got there. After the holidays she stopped calling, and I wondered if she was ok.

The drug store got a call from her son asking for me. He was angry that I delivered all the items she wanted, and they were all scattered in a spare bedroom in her apartment. Why did you keep delivering items she had already ordered? I paused, then wanting to be respectful, mentioned that she wished you had spent time with her. I said that he was the only son she had, there was no other family member that would check on her. I was there for her when I delivered her medications; I always would ask how she was doing. The reason he called was to tell me his mother passed away. I felt so sorry for him. Take time to prevent things like this from happening, make a difference in someone’s life today. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

Do you feel it’s hard to reach out to someone who is lonely? Are you lonely and want someone to reach out to you and you’re not sure how to make that happen? Would you like to find a core group of friends to do things within a safe setting? Have you experienced loneliness and want to help others who struggle with being alone? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need contact Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. Don’t allow loneliness to control the new experiences that you can enjoy today.

Please call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878. He can help you. He has helped several people going through tough times of loneliness.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Stop the Verbal Abuse Please! By Candaise Sheets AA, BA, CPLC

Stop the Verbal Abuse Please!

By Candaise Sheets AA, BA, CPLC

You might ask yourself, why would anybody want to make another person feel worthless? Is their verbal abuse on purpose? Or, could the person have a personality disorder which makes them unaware their words are hurtful? In either case, if they are overly critical towards you, it is disrespectful and wrong.

I have known an amazing woman these past sixteen years who is a vibrant, intelligent, talented artist, who adores her kids and works hard to help everyone she knows. She is funny, kind and pretty, even though she would never believe you if you told her so. This amazing person has spent the last eleven years in a very difficult marriage with a man who has bipolar tendencies and is a narcissist, OCD perfectionist, who has managed to convince this wonderful person that she is completely worthless, and everything she does is damaging to him and his children.

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Are you dealing with verbal abuse? We’re here to help you!

We have spoken on several occasions about how her husband’s words continually crush her spirit, and how he makes her feel worthless and inferior.

A quote from Eleanor Roosevelt comes to mind, whenever I hear someone say that they feel worthless or inferior. These words can be uplifting and encouraging from the first lady “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt

Well, that is a nice sentiment, but I have to disagree a little with Eleanor’s statement. I believe that no one ever sits down and says, “Hey, I am going to let someone make me feel inferior with their cruel words, and I give them my permission to do so.” Naw, it is more like someone comes along, and shocks the person into speechlessness with their cruelty. After a while, the person being emotionally and verbally abused starts to believe in the lies.  They may even think to themselves, “What they are saying must be true, why else would they say such horrible things?”

In this particular case, my friend told me that she doesn’t believe that her husband is consciously trying to make her feel worthless. (I totally disagree with her on this point) He insists he doesn’t want to hurt her, but then follows up by saying what she is doing wrong, pointing out all her faults and failures, and drumming on about how she is damaging their children by setting bad examples such as: not being organized, their rooms are a mess, not teaching them good habits, kids are sheltered from the world. Which, by the way, is not true whatsoever.

In my humble opinion, studies show that when people spend a lot of time criticizing, and putting others down, they are most likely filled with their own sense of inadequacies and self-disappointment. Other studies say that a narcissistic person will strike out at anyone who acts contrary to what they believe is correct. This is another later article for you!

For my friend, this has been a long road trying to work through all the verbal abuse. She even set up marriage counseling for them in the hopes it would save their relationship. She told me that going to the marriage counselor made her feel like she was being heard for the first time in many years. Her husband ended the counseling after a few months, saying it was a waste of time and money. Thankfully, she bravely went off on her own and found a life coach to help her continue working on finding her voice and strengths.

I am here to tell you that people who make you feel worthless are not worth a second of your time. Deep down in your heart, you know what is best for yourself. Sacrificing your happiness for the sake of someone who is hurtful, and not supportive of you and your needs, is not what is best for you. You’re valuable for who you are; a unique individual, worthy of leading the life that you deserve. If you ever meet someone like this in your life, remember the movie line in Forrest Gump, “Run Forrest Run”!

What if you no longer believe in yourself? I recommend you go out and find people who do believe in you. Find friends who will help you see the light you bring into their lives. Start working with a Life Coach or Counselor who can help you rediscover your strengths and self-worth so that you can become proud of who you are once again. Be strong and push away those depressing words inside your head that make you feel small and worthless. Eventually, you will gain the strength and courage to stand up and never allow any individual to put you down again.  You are worth the fight.

Do you live with someone who is constantly putting you down and you need help in dealing with that individual? Are you so broken with the put-downs and the feeling of worthlessness that you need help? Are you experiencing this criticism at home or work? Do you know someone who is going through the emotional or verbal abuse and they need help? If you answered any of these questions with a yes, there is help for you. Contact Candaise at Applicable Counseling and Life Coaching Services at 303.456.0555

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and Life Coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). To set up an appointment with Candaise please send email to candaisesheets@gmail.com or call at 303.456.0555. The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike or Candaise a call! You’ll be glad you did!

If You’re Considering Divorce (7) By Dr. Michael Brooks

If You’re Considering Divorce (7)

By Dr. Michael Brooks

This will be the last article on this series. I hope it has been helpful in giving you some idea’s on how to work on improving your relationship and developing a loving relationship with your spouse/partner. Feel free to send me an e-mail if you have any questions.

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Applicable Counseling & Coaching Services can help you with your relationship needs

#8.  The Unhealed wounds you live with every day can be crippling. If you carry scars from your relationship with spouse/partner, it can cause you to fall out of love. Scars hold us back from becoming whole with our spouse and from moving forward in a healthy loving relationship. Talk about the wounds you carry, don’t think that they will go away on their own, they will not. Trust your spouse/partner enough to share what those scars are.

#9.  Hopelessness in regaining the love in your relationship is something that can be rekindled over time, don’t quit too soon. We all go through some depressing times in our lives. You don’t want to be a “Linus” in the Peanuts TV show with a cloud hanging over your head wherever you go. Don’t look for faults in the person you are falling out of love with. It’s easy to do that when your feeling down. Talk with your spouse and come up with a plan that helps you see the sunlight through the storm clouds.  

#10.  Your Misplaced focus on your spouse can be ruining your relationship without you even knowing it. It’s easy to get upset at the love of our life when we focus on being critical and condescending towards them. I have had many clients who complain that “my spouse always finds faults with me and I’m tired of it.” I agree, what kind of love are you building up by tearing down the person you love on a constant basis? Talk about their positive influences they have on you and others. Criticism never builds-up or enhances love in any relationship. The more positive you are usually is returned two-fold.

In closing, please remember many couples today are divorcing because of the lack of love in their relationship. You can’t expect your spouse/partner to make you happy in your relationship, that’s up to you. If you sense drifting happening in your relationship do something now and not down the road. If you wait too long most likely, your relationship will end. Try to do things together, laugh, love each other, be crazy, is what I am saying. If your relationship is getting boring and has no excitement in it, it’s time to make some immediate changes. It’s up to each of you to make necessary changes.

Do you suspect that you’re falling out of love with your spouse? Do you feel like your relationship is drifting apart? Has the lack of love in your relationship caused your spouse/partner to cheat on you by using Facebook or Classmates.com? Have you seen the signs of them spending time texting excessively or on the computer? Do you need help in confronting your spouse/partners suspicious behavior? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to contact Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. Don’t allow an old love to destroy your relationship. If your marriage has been threatened by or has ended because of a social media affair and you need someone to talk to, or need help in overcoming the pain you’re going through, please call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878. He can help you. He has helped several people through the process of a broken relationship caused by social media infidelity.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Do Not Take Counsel From Your Fears (1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Do Not Take Counsel From Your Fears (1)

By Dr. Michael Brooks

Several years ago I was trying to decide if I was going to take a job with the New York Giants football club as a strength and conditioning coach. I pondered my options, what it would take to make that move and how that would effect my family. I had a close friend of mine who played with the Green Bay Packers tell me about this position that opened with the Giants. I worked with him on his training and conditioning before he reported to training camp in Green Bay, Wisconsin. I have to tell you a lot of thoughts raced through my mind. I wondered if I was good enough, did I have what it takes to be in the NFL on a coaching staff that demanded exhaustive hours and months of hard work?
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Oh, I knew how to work with the athletes, but I questioned my ability to understand how this would be a huge challenge for my family. This would be a big move to New York City. I lived there as a kid and remember how busy it was as a 6-year-old. How would it be as an adult, traveling from stadium to home in New York Traffic? I started having fears about taking this job. The what if’s seemed to get in the way. Again, I didn’t question my abilities to be on the coaching staff; it was the other issues. Raising a child in New York City, finding a place to live, that kind of stuff. That’s where my fear began, was I good enough?

Then it dawned on me; I was happy where I was, I was passionate about my work, I loved where I lived and the friends that I had. That’s when I decided that staying put was fine with me. Do I regret not taking that coaching position in New York, sometimes, but also can see the wisdom of not taking it. In life, we cannot be controlled by our fears. We all have them and dealing with them in a healthy way can help us manage the unknown, and the fears that go with them.

I like to think that all of us will never allow our fears to dominate our next steps, that we look at them in such a manner and know the process of how to deal with our fears. I have been asked on several occasions; can fear be a good thing? I think it can be; it protects us from doing dumb things like, Driving too fast around a curve that has known fatalities associated with it. Cheating on your taxes and possibly the IRS finding out or not taking care of your health if you have known health risks. That kind of fear I believe is ok.

I can recall one such patient that I had several years ago who was a janitor at a large department store. He was grossly overweight and didn’t seem to care about his health. As we sat and talked, I asked him if he was concerned about his weight. He said no, not at all. He was tall as he was wide, very short and had a hard time breathing just sitting in a chair as we spoke. He told me he took vitamins and supplements and felt that this was all he needed in taking care of his health. So, in my observation, I’d say he didn’t have any fears or concerns about his poor health, or at least by what I was hearing him say. I offered to help him with his diet, set up an exercise program; he declined all my offers. The fear he wasn’t dealing with was an unhealthy lifestyle, and it eventually cost him his life. Fear can be good and bad. The fear that I’m talking about today is the paralyzing fear that holds us back from making wise decisions and us from being productive in our lives. This kind of fear can cripple us to the point of not being able to function or make healthy choices. That’s the fear I want to address in these articles.

Next week we’ll continue with this article. I’ll give you some of my tips that will help you deal with the everyday fears you face. If you have questions, give me a call or email me.

Are you holding on to your past fears and can’t experience joy in your life? Do you still hold on to fearful memories and your future seems hopeless? Do you want to be free of your Fears so you can have a wonderful future? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give Dr. Mike a call at 303.880.9878. He can help you with relationship problems.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

I’m No Quitter, By Dr. Michael Brooks

I’m no Quitter, By Dr. Michael Brooks

I’ve run into a lot of people who just don’t have the stomach to keep trying working on their relationship. It’s status quo, and that’s fine by them. They cause needless suffering because of the self-pity they put themselves through about their relationship. Several years ago, I worked with a couple who just didn’t get along. They constantly blamed each other for the problems they were experiencing. Neither one could admit to any problems they caused it was always the other person’s fault. He said, she said..oh, it was hard for this couple to understand that they had poor communication skills.

Unhappy couple after fight not talking to each other

I’m No Quitter are you?

Then I asked a simple question, “which one of you wants to quit on your marriage?” The look on their faces was priceless. The husband said, “What are you talking about, we came here for you to help us, not ask us to quit on our marriage,” I responded by saying, I simply asked both of you a question that would help clarify where they were at in your marriage. The man started by saying, “I love my wife, and she is the best thing that ever happened to me.” She looked at him shocked, to be hearing those words coming from her husband. She stood up and walked over to him and looked at him, then at me. I’ve been waiting to hear those very words for over 15 years, why now?

She started to cry, and he walked over to her and held her. “Dr. Mike, we want a healthy marriage, we fight all the time, but I know we both want this marriage to work and are willing to do whatever it takes. Please help us.” His wife looked up at me and nodded in agreement. So let me get this straight, you both are not quitters and want to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work? Both nodded yes.

My friends this is the first step in saving any marriage from the ravages of divorce. Admit that you have problems and are willing to take the steps needed necessary in saving your relationship. I see quitters all the time, and these people are the ones who will make excuses and refuse to change. Here are some of the excuses that I hear from those who I consider are quitters.

  • I can’t change, this is the way I’ve been all my life
  • She married me this way; she knew what he/she was getting
  • I have too much going on in my life; it’s not that easy
  • Why now, has she been watching Dr. Phil and saw it on TV
  • Leave well enough alone; we don’t need to do this
  • Listen, it’s been just fine, and I’m OK with the things the way they are
  • If you bring this up one more time, I’m done with the marriage; it’s over

If you really want to salvage your marriage or any relationship for that matter, identify the issues and sit down and talk about them. This isn’t rocket science; it’s a “Matter of the Heart.” Talk about the entire relationship, not just the bad things, but talk about the good things in your relationship. Mix it up, after a heavy dose of reality talk about the good things, the fun things you do for each other and enjoy each others company. Believe me that goes a long way in a hurting relationship. Encourage and lift each other up. That’s my tip for this week.

Do you feel like quitting on your marriage? Are you tired of being the only one trying to save your relationship and need to know what your next steps should be? Do you need help in working on your relationship, so you don’t quit? If you answered yes to any of these questions set up an appointment with Dr. Mike and get the help you need. Call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

 

Why Do Women Cheat on Men? (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Why Do Women Cheat on Men? (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

So, what is the cure for unmet expectations or wandering eyes? What should the husband do to keep his wife happy at home? Is there a common sense fix here to help restore a damaged relationship due to an affair. Absolutely.

If a woman is considering having an affair, she should evaluate the consequences of having an affair. What will it do to her children? What will it do to her family? What will it do to her husband? What will it do for her moral compass? One study had shared some interesting facts about affairs, did you know that 50 to 60 percent of women admit that they have had an affair. Men are at 70 percent about admitting to having an affair. About 17 percent of divorces are due to affairs; I think that’s rather low considering the pain inflicted due to an affair.
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Some additional numbers for you to mull over are; In a 1991 study, sex researcher Shere Hite found that 70 percent of married women have cheated on their partners; a 1993 follow-up study found that 72 percent of married men have as well. According to a 2004 University of Chicago study, 25 percent of married men have had at least one extramarital affair.

There are all kinds of questions that she should be asking herself. I worked with a client who knew his wife was cheating on him. He had the evidence on email and texts. Initially, he was crushed and then decided to confront her. When he did confront her, she gave him an earful. She shared her reasons for cheating on him, and it matches with most of the FaceBook responses above. These were her reasons.

  • Not attentive to her needs.
  • Only paid attention to her when he wanted
  • Stayed at work too long, never called when he was going to be late in getting home.
  • Didn’t help with kids, school projects, getting ready for bed, spending time with kids.
  • Didn’t show appreciation for the things she did for him.
  • Didn’t make her a priority in the relationship.
  • Put his friends above her needs

She was pretty blunt in letting her feelings be known. She didn’t want to have the affair, what she wanted was her husband to take notice that she had needs as well. The affair was, as she stated, was to get her husband’s attention! It certainly did, and she moved on with her life. She said that he would never change. She was right; he accused her of cheating on him, but took no responsibility for his actions and his neglecting her needs.

I think we have seen a pattern in why women cheat, does it make it right, no not at all. I would suggest that women who feel that their spouses are not listening to them need to let them know in no uncertain terms that their needs are not being met in the emotional, and physical areas of the relationship. Be very detailed and have a plan as you share what your needs are. Sometimes, we men are not the greatest listeners and need to be reminded at times.

So you might ask yourself this question, what do I do if I’m a part of the cheating statistics? You’re not alone I’m sad to say. Both men and women are hurt by affairs. If you’re the cheater or the one cheated on there is help for you. You don’t have to struggle alone. If you know that you’re still in love with your spouse, and you want to work through this issue of infidelity and save your marriage, you can contact Dr. Mike and work on a plan to help restore your relationship. Forgiveness is key to move forward and make your marriage work. There needs to be trust reestablished and honest communication to heal a marriage. If you want to save your marriage contact, Dr. Mike, now!

Women, have you cheated on your spouse and you need to talk to someone who can help you sort out the reasons you cheated? Do you want help in preventing future affairs? Are you ready to move on and want to know how to forgive yourself and put your affair behind you? If you answered yes to any of these questions set up an appointment with Dr. Mike and get the help you need. Call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

When You Can’t Forgive Yourself (3)By Dr. Michael Brooks

When You Can’t Forgive Yourself (3) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Can you identify the hurt that you have and just can’t let go of it and is killing you inside? I know we all have hurts that we live with. Some are unspeakable and create great pain and frustration when we think about them. I had shared this story before about a situation that happened between my mother and me when I was 12 years old. To this day it still bothers me on how I responded to my mom when she accused me of something I didn’t do. Now as a 12-year-old, you’d think that I could control what came out of my mouth.
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She wouldn’t listen to me no matter how I explained the facts. And I have to say to this day she was completely wrong in what she accused me of doing. My younger sister took something she shouldn’t have. My mom didn’t even question her. This went back and forth for most of the evening. Finally, she said, “Mike give me back the watch that dad and I gave you for Christmas.” I told her “NO” she still demanded it back. I relented, and while handing it back to her, I told her that “I hate you.” I have never said that to anybody, yet I felt that when she didn’t believe me. Looking back, I felt a great deal of pain. I’m not saying I feel guilty about it now. Remorseful, yes, absolutely to this day I do. I have even forgiven myself for saying it. I know what the hurt is, I can identify that. I have let it go and moved on with my life. For some people, they just will not release the guilt. You have to understand that your guilty thoughts, your feelings being hurt, the uncomfortable feeling you have when you think about how you beat yourself up over something that happened years ago has to go. These guilty feelings are making you feel worse and will not allow you to heal. You are your own worst enemy. You have to break this bad habit of unforgiveness; it’s keeping you from the healing you need.

I will tell you that I have replayed this conversation between my mother and I over and over again. I saw us vividly in my mind’s eye arguing over that Roy Rodgers watch I got for Christmas. I have to say it consumed as a kid and even into my early adult years. I felt miserable thinking about it. Then I had an idea. I decided every time I would think about, how I hated my mother. I would stop that thought and focus on positive thoughts. I would think about; I am a good person, I help people when needed, I bring joy to other people’s lives. Believe me that helped me so much overcome the feelings of guilt and forgiving myself for something I said and had done years ago.

I remember telling my mom that I was sorry, she forgave me, and for her, it was over. For me, it was just beginning, of allowing negative guilt to consume me. I said I was sorry; that cleared the air with my mom but not so much for me. I looked in the mirror and realized that wasn’t me acting out the way I did towards my mom. Looking back it was the best thing I could do. If you have hurt someone, I suggest that you go to them and say you’re sorry. It needs to be from the heart and face to face if at all possible. It will help heal your heart and open the doors for healing communication. It’s great medicine.

Are there things you just can’t let go of, and it’s killing you inside? Do you need help in taking the right steps and learning how to forgive yourself from something in your past? Have you been hurt by someone and need to move on with your life. Do you need freedom from past hurts and to let go? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give Dr. Mike a call he can help you through the process of finding the freedom that you need. Call him at 303.880.9878