The Day you Decide to Divorce (1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

The Day you Decide to Divorce (1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

You’ve been thinking about it for weeks, maybe even months. You can’t pretend anymore that everything is alright in your marriage. You wake up in the morning feeling guilty that you’re living a lie. You remain silent; you avoid conflict or any confrontation for that matter. You agree to things with your spouse that you normally don’t, just to keep the peace.

There is always hope is you're willing to try to save your marriage!

Do you have a real reason to file for divorce?

You have thought about how unhappy you’ve been for what seems years; you find yourself daydreaming about being free and on your own. You see yourself in new and exciting relationships. Most people who are thinking of divorce want the peace and calmness they deserve. They think, why shouldn’t I be happy and enjoy the rest of my life in peace? After all, I’ve devoted my life to my spouse and children and need time for myself. I deserve a life that I can enjoy and not be accountable to anyone.

For those of you who have considered divorcing, I’m sure that several of these thoughts have raced through your mind after an argument, a sleepless night of worry or realizing that you want out. I see many clients who struggle with this thought process. It’s not an easy place to be in, nor to be weighing on your mind 24/7. In fact, I’m sure that many people considering divorce right now are struggling with pulling the trigger and starting the divorce process. It’s a hard decision and a lasting one at that!

I want to bring to your attention a few important things before you take that next step. Ask yourself these questions; am I filing for divorce because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? Are there tools that I need to use to help me make my decision for example; (better communication, better listening, better understanding, etc.?)

Impulsive divorce demands backfire and will cause you and your spouse a great deal of harm and irreparable damage to your relationship. I tell my clients look at every option and examine the real reason for wanting a divorce. Some people file because they are talked into it by a well-meaning family member or friends. You have to decide on your own and make this decision by yourself. Don’t allow someone to convince you into filing for a divorce. You will live to regret it down the road. I have had many people in my office brokenhearted and angry because they allowed someone to make the decision for them to file for divorce. The regrets these people go through is painful and agonizing.

I’ll ask this one more time, and I want to bring this to your attention. Ask yourself these questions; am I filing because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then give Dr. Mike a call he can help with this difficult process of deciding on your next steps and what to do. Call him at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Playing The Victim Card (5) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Playing the victim Card (5) By Dr. Michael Brooks

I had some friends who were having marriage problems. The wife was blaming her husband for every issue that came up in the marriage. He couldn’t do anything right to save his life. He was late in getting home from work all the time, he didn’t get the right groceries she asked for, he snored and tossed and turned, which kept her up at night. She took no responsibility for anything that was wrong in their marriage, it was all his fault. I said to the husband, the next time your wife starts the blame game, stop her and talk about the problems she brings up one at a time. Don’t continue to stand there and wait till she’s done. Keep her on topic and deal with it one problem at a time.
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I know of a couple that the husband blamed his wife for all their marriage problems. She didn’t clean the house correctly; she wasn’t managing the kids the way he wanted. He blamed her for his business problems. She dreaded him coming home. She tried everything to make the marriage work. She went to counseling; she did it his way as far as running the household, raising the kids. Nothing she did was right. He just didn’t have the wherewithal to tell her he wanted a divorce. He drove her to it and now blames her for their divorce.

Marriage can be difficult, we all know that. But, it also brings some great rewards and happiness. I think that we all get married intending to live a happy life and enjoy being appreciated and loved, and respected. When you start seeing your spouse using the victim card against you, your world starts to crumble if it is allowed to continue. Having a weekly check-in time with your spouse is important to keep a healthy relationship intact. What I mean by check in time, sit down and talk to each other face to face. Be open and honest with how you feel your marriage is. If your spouse has been using the victim card, talk about their concerns and what can be done to fix the problem. Victims need to express their feelings and by you sitting down with them helps eliminate them seeking someone to listen to them. Talk it out and be available for weekly talks if needed.

In closing, there are some victims that need to get help from law enforcement, counselors, and clergy. I understand that, and it’s important to get help when you need it. The victims I’m speaking about are those who abuse the victim card and wonder why people distance themselves from these kind of people.

If you’re physically or sexually abused then get help immediately. If you feel that you’re getting emotionally abused, talk to a counselor. Get legal help if necessary. There are people willing and wanting to help you with your needs. Call them today.

Do you feel that you’re living with a spouse that plays the victim card on you and you want it to stop? Do you need help in confronting someone who abuses the victim card? Are you someone who uses the victim card and you want to stop? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then contact Dr. Mike for personal help and planning your next steps at 303.880.9878.

Playing the Victim Card (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Playing the victim Card (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

It’s not only your kids that play the victim card, but bad marriages are ripe for one of the spouses playing the victim card as well. I have heard just about every kind excuse for a bad marriage possible. Most excuses are weak, and surely the victim card is used to get out of a bad marriage. Marriage can be hard when starting out and there is no marriage manual to follow when you get married. Most of us watched our parents and how they react to certain situations with each other. With the divorce rate at nearly 50%, you have a 50/50 chance of getting divorced these days. I think that those couples who can sit down with each other and talk things out have the best chance of making it. Yes, it can be hard work, but the payoff is incredible. Those who continue to play the victim card in their marriages most likely will not make it.

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The approach I would take with someone using the victim card against you as a reason to divorce is present them with facts and figures. Don’t engage in petty arguments, give them honest facts and figures of how to restore your marriage. Don’t embellish your point, be reasonable and present in a clear, concise manner the point you’re trying to get across. The individual using the victim card against you in a bad marriage can be deadly and cause deep pain for the one on the receiving end the victim card. Here are some victim card excuses used to leave the marriage. The person using the victim card will blame it on family members, friends, and acquaintances and rarely take any responsibility for themselves.

  • You never listen to me
  • You don’t take me out anymore
  • We have a roommate marriage
  • Your parents don’t like me
  • You don’t make enough money
  • Our friends said neither one of us is happy

I think you get my point. When you start hearing someone use the victim card on you deal with it right away and don’t sit on it. The longer you allow your spouse to use the victim card there will be less chance of working things out. It’s never too late to repair your marriage, but it will take a lot more work to manage your marriage issue if you don’t confront the problem as soon as you can.

Playing The Victim Card (1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Playing the victim Card (1) news 3By Dr. Michael Brooks

I listen to a lot of people these days that take no responsibility for their personal actions whatsoever. They blame everybody for their circumstances or poor choices. Do you know people like that? They come in all different shapes and sizes. They’re young, old, teenagers, children, rich, poor, famous, and not so famous. You hear them in your family, at work, on television, radio and in the papers and social media. It seems we can’t get away from them.

Being raised in a military family, you were not allowed to play the victim card; it wasn’t allowed nor permitted. Believe me; I sure tried, and it never worked for any of us kids. You were responsible for your behavior, and the consequences had a price to pay. If you got out of line, you paid the price with the right hand of righteousness (spanking for you younger readers).  

I was watching a father and son interact after his son played in a baseball game. I think the boy was 12 years old. He didn’t play a very good game and made a lot of mistakes. The son blamed the ball glove, the coaching wasn’t very good, he had all kinds of excuses. The dad listened patiently as his son spoke and when his son was done talking to his dad, the dad said something very profound “son, maybe you’d better practice more on your baseball skills and spend less time on your computer and watching TV.” I think the dad handled the situation very well. It’s easy to fall into the trap of letting your kids get away with blaming others for their mistakes and not being responsible for themselves.

I have heard kids who can’t complete assignments have many reasons for not doing their homework. I’m sure many of us adults have used the same excuses. Here are a few.

  • I was too tired
  • I left my homework assignment at school
  • I forgot
  • I don’t understand it
  • I’ll do it tomorrow
  • I’ve got two weeks to do my book project, I’ll get to it this weekend
  • Stop bugging me, I’ll do it after dinner

The sad thing about our kids these days, parents don’t want to be parents, they want to be their kids best friend. This is a perfect setup for allowing your kids to use the victim card. Parents need to recognize that confronting your kids using the victim card will help them to take responsibility for their own actions. Kids need to stop blaming others for personal mistakes and bad choices they make. Kids need to learn that at an early age and parents need to stop making excuses for their kids.

Do you feel that you’re living with a spouse that plays the victim card on you and you want it to stop? Do you need help in confronting someone who abuses the victim card? Are you someone who uses the victim card and you want to stop? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then contact Dr. Mike for personal help and planning your next steps at 303.880.9878.

Avoid the Wrong Kind of people (5) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Avoid the Wrong Kind of People (5) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Growing up while in high school, I had a friend who always had the best clothes, watches, pens. He had a lot of nice stuff. One day he asked me if I wanted a new watch. I said sure. He brought it the next day and handed it to me. I looked at the watch still inside the box with a price tag of $49.00. I asked him where did he get it, and he responded with “a five finger discount.” I looked at him and said, “you stole it?” Yep, he responded. I handed it back to him and said, no thanks! I made my mind up, right then and there, he wasn’t going to be a friend of mine. My gut feeling told me to avoid this wrong kind of person. That’s the small little voice you often hear warning you about these kind of people. Avoid, avoid, avoid! That should be what you hear when someone is wrong for you.
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How about bad relationships that people get themselves into and know that are wrong. This is a big problem for both men and women. I have a friend who is in a very unhealthy relationship. The woman he is dating will not commit to their relationship. When my friend asked her what concerns she had, she expressed all kinds. Her job was demanding, not enough time for herself, she liked to party alone, and the big one she brought up was his old girlfriends. He never talked about his old girlfriends with her. This was just out of the blue and took him by surprise. There wasn’t any commitment on her part, and he should have said to himself, time to move along and stop being with the wrong person. He still hangs on to see if they can have that relationship he wants with her. I think he will never get that relationship he wants with her.

You can see the pattern of a very unhealthy person and one that you should avoid. Relationships in themselves are great if you have a healthy person in your life. The relationships that are based on alcohol, drugs, and sex are doomed to fail and lead you down the road to destruction. If you’re in a relationship that is full of drama either by you or the person you’re in a relationship with, it’s time to end it. Be done with it, move on and plan ahead. Time and energy should be used to having a great relationship and not one that’s causing you to lose sleep over. Here are the things you need in a healthy committed relationship.

  • Trustworthy
  • Integrity
  • Good listener
  • Good communicator
  • Understanding
  • Slow to anger
  • Spends time with you
  • Affirms you
  • Does things for you

If you’re dealing with an unhealthy relationship, then get some help in making a wise decision to either work on it or move on with your life. You can make any relationship work if both parties are willing to sit down and talk. If the other person isn’t willing to talk with you, then I think you know what you have to do. It’s not difficult my friends. It just takes the guts to make it happen.

Are you afraid to confront the wrong kind of people in your life? Are you involved in a wrong kind of relationship and need help getting out of it? Do you have friends who are involved with drugs, alcohol and want you to join them, and you can’t say NO? Would you like a plan that can help you eliminate the wrong kind of people in your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then contact Dr. Mike for personal help and planning your next steps at 303.880.9878.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Dr. Michael Brooks

Avoid The Wrong Kind of People (3) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Avoid the Wrong Kind of People (3) By Dr. Michael Brooks

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I have a simple rule that I use when I hear someone gossiping about people. A helpful acronym that you can use when wondering if you should spread a certain piece of information is T.H.I.N.K. Ask yourself the following questions:

T – Is it true? In other words, this thing that you have heard about someone else, is this accurate information? Or is it just gossip or something someone heard about someone else.

Have you ever had anyone tell a lie about you? How did that make you feel? I know when I found out I was being gossiped about it made me extremely upset. Confronting these people is pointless. Avoid them and find healthy people to be with.

We are far too ready to pass on information before verifying if it is true or not. It seems that many enjoy spreading gossip and lies about people. Avoid this kind of people at all costs.

H-Is it Helpful? Will sharing this information be helpful to the other person?

I- Is it Inspiring? That is clear enough.

N- Is it Necessary? Do we really need to spread this information? What is the point? If it’s going to hurt someone and contain half-truths, stop it in its tracks. Walk away from someone gossiping.

K– Is it Kind? Pretty clear there. If what you’re hearing is hurtful and demeaning, again walk away. I love it when people are uplifting and encouraging each other. Gossip usually is not kind and is meant to be hurtful. Don’t be a part of it.

Avoid people who have no morals and no boundaries in their lives. It’s easy to fall into the trap of,“ what people don’t know, will not hurt them.” That is a bunch of baloney. Integrity is key, to being true to yourself. I had watched several marriages fail because the husband stopped being a husband when his wife wasn’t around. A teammate of mine from softball would go to the bar with a bunch of his friends and pick up girls. The wife had no clue that he was doing these kinds of things. I stopped hanging out with this crowd, and the peace I got from going home after my games was really nice. Be true to yourself and your spouse is a motto we all should live by.

In next week’s article, I want you to use the tools I give you to find good healthy people to add to your life. Good people promote a healthy attitude and will look out for you at all times.

Are you afraid to confront the wrong kind of people in your life? Are you involved in a wrong kind of relationship and need help getting out of it? Do you have friends who are involved with drugs, alcohol and want you to join them, and you can’t say NO? Would you like a plan that can help you eliminate the wrong kind of people in your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then contact Dr. Mike for personal help and planning your next steps at 303.880.9878.

Dealing With Difficult People (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Dealing with Difficult People (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

This week we will continue giving you useful information on dealing with difficult people in your life. Seldom do we know what to say or do with difficult people in our life who are angry and hard to deal with. Dr. Mike will give you some great advice on how to take back control from difficult people in your life.

Avoid people who cause your stress

Avoid difficult people in your life

How to deal with difficult family members and in-laws can be critical for a happy marriage. I have heard some good stories about the crazy in-laws, and I’m sure you have as well. Whether some of these stories are true or not, I don’t know. Most relationships with in-laws are good and healthy. Some are bad, and you probably hear that from some of your friends. When you marry into a family, you have to take the good and the bad with it.

So what are the big issues with the in-laws these days? Many complaints I have heard is the way in-laws are critical towards you and the way you do things. They may have a certain way they do things and interject their opinions on you, making you compromise your values and to keep the peace you do it their way. Criticism from an in-law towards a daughter in law or son in law is a major complaint in new marriages. Many times in-laws will find faults with their new son-in-law or daughter-in-law. They look for flaws and report to their child the imperfections they’ve noticed. If your parents are doing this, you need to stop them before it gets out of hand. This will cause a division in your marriage if you support your parent’s behavior. Pull them aside and let them know that you appreciate their concerns but you will deal with it if it becomes a problem. Protect your marriage from outside sources (parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc.) People mean well, but your new spouse comes first, take no sides. If there are issues, talk to your spouse first and deal with it between the two of you.

Here are some of my tips in dealing with your in-laws and your parents if issues keep coming up.

  • Keep your quarrels between the two of you, don’t involve
  • When disagreeing with each other be civil, don’t defend parents behaviors. I know it’s tempting, especially if your parents are defending you.
  • Don’t take sides with your new spouse, be neutral and then sit down with husband/wife and talk.
  • Don’t let your parents talk you into anything, think first!
  • Protect your spouse, your parents, and in-laws from divisive people
  • Don’t repeat gossip about anyone or anything. Keep the peace
  • Avoid endless battles or confrontations

These days, families, in-laws, spouses come in all different shapes and sizes. We’re all different and have been raised differently by our parents, grandparents. Some parents were strict while others laid back and carefree. There are so many different parenting styles, and we all want to have some input with suggestions on how we think our grandchild should be raised. We need to let our adult children ask us for advice, not we enforce our idea’s and opinions on them. If you’re asked, then by all means give your advice. Keep from interjecting and forcing your advice and being labeled a difficult parent or in-law.

In closing, difficult people surround us everywhere. It depends on how we interact with them that will dictate the outcome. My first instinct is to avoid unnecessary run-ins if at all possible. It’s not worth the aggravation and heartaches it causes. If you must deal with someone, that is difficult, then be on guard and be careful with what you say and the intent behind it. If this individual is still a problem, then walk away.

Are you afraid to confront difficult people in your life? Do you have family members who are difficult to get along with? Do you fear family gatherings because of past run-ins with siblings, parents? Would you like a plan that can help you face difficult people in your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then contact Dr. Mike for personal help and planning your next steps at 303.880.9878.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!