When Things Just Don’t Go Your Way By Dr. Michael Brooks

When Things Just Don’t Go Your Way By Dr. Michael Brooks

Have you ever planned a trip that wasn’t supposed to be a bad in any way? You had everything covered. The right people were going to watch your house take care of your pets. You had people who were going to take out the trash, cut your grass. This trip was a get go from the start. Nothing could ruin it because you planned well ahead in advance. Then the call came, your boss said that you were needed in the office and he couldn’t afford to let you leave on your trip. The company’s product line was in jeopardy. You were the only one who could fix this problem. The unexpected happened and was out of your control. Have you had days like that?

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I’ve had many clients share that they get overly stressed when thing don’t go their way. The kids get sick when they have an evening planned out with their spouse or friends. You get stuck in traffic and have to be at an appointment and you wonder if it’s too late still to go your meeting. An unexpected auto repair causes you to forgo a treat that you had planned to buy yourself. How do you deal with these unplanned kinds of circumstances? Do you bury your head in the sand, or do you blast the people in your life and let them get the brunt of your disappointment? I think it’s important to have alternate plans just in case your plans fail to materialize. If you’re supposed to be at an important meeting what is an alternative route to take just in case there is a road closure? Do you plan in advance for things out of your control. If you don’t, I think it’s best that you do and know that you have all your bases covered.

If you need a baby sitter do you have someone you can trust be next in line if your first choice bails on you. I had a client who was supposed to go to a very important dinner with her boss and management team. Her aunt Lynn would always be the sitter she could count on and never worried about her not being able to make it. The time she was needed she had the flu and my client was frustrated. My client had to miss her dinner meeting and missed out on a lot of important discussions.

If you’re having marriage problems, do you think about getting help or waiting at the last minute to get help and when it’s too late? In relationships you shouldn’t wait till the last minute. What usually happens is that the relationship fails. When you notice problems are growing then deal with it immediately. I like to compare marriage problems to when your check engine red light comes on. For most of us we seek help immediately and get the advice of our mechanic to get the problem with the engine diagnosed and repaired. You can’t have the attitude “that things aren’t going my way” and do nothing about it!

Plan on getting the necessary help needed in repairing your relationships. It’s important to work on your marriage or relationships with family and friends. I’ve heard so many people share the regrets of not taking the initial steps in making things right between a broken relationship. Many people pass on and the repairing and restoring of a relationship is lost forever. I had a former friend of mine wanting to contact me last year in the spring. The call came from a friend of mine asking if I could give this former friend of mine a call. We hadn’t spoken in nearly 25 years and my buddy shared that John had an aggressive form of bladder cancer. Bruce gave me the number and without hesitation I called John. We spoke briefly and started to reconnect with frequent phone calls. John and I reminisced about the issues he had with me and several others. Looking back now the problem was started by someone who gossiped about John and he thought it was from our group. When John found out who it was he wanted to reconnect with me. Over the years I reached out to John with no luck.

Now that he was dying from cancer he wanted to make things right. He passed away after 2 months of reconnecting with me. His wife and son were thrilled that John and I talked things out and things were made right between us. This is what I’m suggesting, if things don’t go your way, have an alternate game plan in your relationships, businesses, and personal agendas. Things don’t get better unless someone makes an effort to make things happen. That needs to be you. In closing, make sure that you plan out major events with alternative back up plans. Leave out no details and plan accordingly. If you need help in making things right in your relationships give Dr. Mike a call at 303.456.0555.

Do you need help in resolving issues in your life that are troublesome and will not go away? Do you need to start making changes in some of your relationships and don’t know how? Do you need direction in next steps for resolving conflicts in your marriage? If you answered yes to any of these questions give Dr. Mike a call he can help you. In addition, online/phone/Skype Counseling and Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous, and available by appointment, from the privacy of your own home. Avoid the travel and time it takes to get my office. Since you never have to leave the comfort of your own home to meet with me, your anonymity and privacy is completely secured.

“State Of The Union” (2) For Relationships By Dr. Michael Brooks

“State Of The Union” (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

In continuing from last week’s article we are wrapping up with this short series article titled “The State Of The Union.” How to have a better marriage while learning to communicate well with each other. This week I have listed several questions that you can sit down with your partner and go over the questions with them. Marriages can always get better no matter how well you think they are. How does a good marriage happen, by checking in from time to time with your partner. Don’t wait till your relationship is in trouble to begin your talks.

Smiling student couple

I get lots of questions from the articles I write and believe me several article idea’s have come from you my readers. I thought the question I received below is a great question and worth sharing my thoughts on. Just a side note feel free to email me with your questions or give me a call anytime. So here is the question I received last week.

“Dr. Mike, I would just love to sit down with my husband and talk about where our marriage is going. He’s a good man, I know he loves me but I want to know what he thinks about our marriage. I want to ask him how I can be a better wife to him and share how he can be a better husband to me. Am I wrong in my thinking?” Lori in Golden, CO

• How do you see our future together? Do you know what that looks like from your perspective and your partners perspective? Do you have plans for the next 5, 10 and 15 years. What are your goals for yourself and your relationship? Have you planned out your vacations, bucket lists, retirement?

• Do you honestly trust me? Trust is huge in a marriage and without it you will have a difficult time moving forward and growing your marriage. This question can be a difficult one to ask. Yet, if you feel like it’s not there then it needs to be addressed and not put off for another day. Trust is earned and not demanded.

• How do you truly feel about our relationship? If you feel it’s on the downward slope and want to salvage it then it’s imperative to seek help immediately, don’t delay and think it will get better on its own. Most likely it will not and you will need the tools to help you gain control and heal your relationship.

• Are we both willing to make the necessary changes needed to have a better marriage? If you’re both willing and see the importance of agreeing to making changes then you’re headed in the right direction. If you feel that making changes is against your best interests then you will need help in finding a compromise that will work for you. Both must be willing to come to the table and talk things out. Some people are not interested in doing anything to help improve or repair a relationship.

• Are we going through a bad time? Most relationships have the good and bad times. We may be angry at our spouse for doing or saying something stupid, that doesn’t mean we’re madly in love with them when do dumb things. Ask the question are we going through a bad time or is this a serious issue that we may need help on.
 
• Do you feel accepted by your spouse? If you are struggling with feeling loved and appreciated and accepted by your spouse. It’s very important to feel support from the one you love and if you don’t feel that you need to speak up and let them know. If your spouse has been saying they don’t feel loved and appreciated by you, then you need to show them or find ways of appreciation. Doing things for them that they need and like are key ways to show them they are accepted by you.

• Do you want out of the marriage? If you feel that your marriage is at a breaking point or hopeless then you need to ask this question. You need to know if they are willing to get some help to try to salvage your relationship and get counseling. If not then you need to prepare for next steps and move forward. Remember divorce is not cheap and once you start the process it’s going to be hard on both of you.

These are a few state of the union questions I would ask your spouse when you’re ready. Use questions that are helpful and not judging them. The role of a judger question is not helpful when you’re simply trying to promote good conversation to build a better marriage. The state of the union should be done without any interruptions. Turn off your cell phones, TV and focus on each other. That’s key!

Do you need a state of the union meeting with your partner and are concerned on how it will be rejected? Do you want a meeting with your spouse and need guidelines to help you? Is your marriage on the brink of divorce and you want to try to save it before going to divorce court? Dr. Mike I’m not sure how this state of the union works and need some more information on it can I call you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions feel free to give Dr. Mike a call he can help you with your next steps.

In addition, online/phone Counseling and Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous, and available by appointment, from the privacy of your own home. Avoid the travel and time it takes to get my office. Since you never have to leave the comfort of your own home to meet with me, your anonymity and privacy is completely secured.

The Narcissist “The Devil’s In The Details.” (5) By Dr. Michael Brooks

The Narcissist “The Devil’s In The Details.”(5) By Dr. Michael Brooks

So what are my options when dealing with a narcissist, what can I do? I feel so threatened by being married to one! To be honest with you there are not many options for you. There are usually no medications for this kind of person. Most narcissists don’t believe they have problems it’s the other person fault. Many spouses living with a narcissist are at a loss of what they can do. The divorce rate for narcissist marriages is extremely high.

• You can stay and do nothing. You can keep living in a world of hurt. You can live day in and day out with the attacks, being miserable, and hating yourself for marrying the wrong person. The stress at doing nothing can cause you illness, fearing for your sanity, and hopelessness. There is not a lot of hope for you if this is the course you set your eyes on. Truly you will experience brokenness for many years to come. A narcissist will feed off of you if you stay in a bad relationship.

• You can leave the relationship and expect to regain some sanity in your life. The narcissist will hunt you down. When you leave don’t look back or give it a second thought. The narcissist will rarely change and certainly make your life miserable if you go back. So run as far and as fast as you can. You can’t help a narcissist, you can’t fix them this is a fact. They love to control and inflict pain on their victims. So don’t feel guilty when you leave. They need to fix themselves and not have you be an enabler.

• You can set up boundaries with a narcissist and protect yourself. You know my thoughts on boundaries and how they can protect us from those wanting to violate our space or hurt us. We have to stop allowing those with bad intentions to demoralize us. The narcissist could care less about your boundaries and you have to remind them that they are crossing your boundaries. Here is an example of keeping your boundaries when being used by a narcissist. Let’s say that a narcissist family member wants you to be in the middle of a disagreement between the narcissist and a friend of both of yours. You had nothing to do with this argument between them. I would simply let your narcissist family member know that they should deal with the problem as they own it and need to work this out and you will not be in the middle of this problem. Do not get in the middle of any disagreement with a narcissist. You will be used by the narcissist and you count on that. Be consistent with your boundaries at all times with a narcissist.

I know that this is a problem in many marriages and friendships. It causes so much stress in any relationship with a narcissist. I have had some past friendships where the friendship was all one sided and frankly I couldn’t deal with it. It was just too much for me so I had to take care of myself and let that person go. It was hard but oh the relief I got from moving on was exhilarating. I was free from the pain this person caused me. Believe me it had to be done. Many people who knew him had enough as well and they were done with him as well. So, you have to be the judge in taking control of your life and moving on. To be honest it was the best decision for me.

Do you need help in dealing with a narcissist in your life and want to figure out what your next steps are? Are you afraid of the person you are married to and need advice in how to talk to them? Are you seeking help for your spouse who may be a narcissist? You may ask yourself how do I talk to my spouse who is a narcissist? If you answered yes to any of these questions and would like some help contact Dr. Mike at 303.456.0555

Dr. Michael Brooks
Applicable Counseling & Coaching Services
Web: www.applicablecoaching.com
Blog: https://applicablecoaching.com/blog.php
Web: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/
Blog:http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/blog/
E-mail: mike@applicablecoaching.com
Office: 303.456.0555
Cell: 303.880.9878

What Are Your Auto-responders? (7) By Dr. Michael Brooks

What are your Auto-responders? (7) I worked for a big name package delivery company. I unloaded semi’s early in the morning. There was a part time manager who was disliked by all. He would walk along the loading dock and verbally attack all the dock workers just to get a rise out of them. He seemed to enjoy that and laughed when others responded back in kind. I was a college student at the time and wanted nothing to do with him. I learned at an early age on how to use auto responders. I simply avoided conflict. One day he picked on the wrong person who didn’t seem to think he was very funny. They went nose to nose neither backing down while the entire loading dock crew watched the exchange. Then fists started to fly and a fight broke out. The part time manager got his clock cleaned and the part time loader got fired. How should have the part time loader handled this situation with his manager? What auto responder could he have used? Remember that auto responders are supposed to keep you out of trouble. They will if you use them. So the big question is this, what should the part time loader have done to prevent an altercation with his boss? First step would have been not to respond to any criticism. Knowing that this part time manager harassed all the dock workers should have been a red flag. The dock worker should have just minded his own business, done his job and ignored this part time manager. That should have been his auto responder. Instead he did verbal battle with the part time manager which turned into a fight and he lost his job over his behavior. If you keep your nose clean most likely you can avoid conflicts in the workplace. Trouble makers don’t get very far in the business world and most companies don’t keep them. Many people have lost everything by the way they respond to others. Marriages have ended because of mouthy comebacks. People have been murdered, injured, made lifetime enemies…just by responding with snarky or harmful comebacks. You don’t need to do that. Learn to use your auto responders wisely. They will keep you out of trouble. If you need help in learning on how to use auto responders call Dr. Mike. Do you struggle with keeping quiet when you want so much to fire back with a snarky remark? Have you gotten yourself into trouble by the things you have said to others? Do you need to learn how to control what you say and how you say it? Have you lost friendships over some of the things you have said and want help in repairing those friendships? If you answered yes to any of these questions you can call Dr. Mike and get help. Call him at 303.456.0555 today!

What Are Your Auto Responders? (2)

What Are Your Auto Responders? (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks We have all probably received an “auto responder” which was sent to us automatically in reply to an email we sent. This tool is used, for example, to provide a confirmation email when you purchase tickets or merchandise from an online store. Today, we are picking up where we left off last week where we were discussing, how at times, we may be verbally assaulted or have our integrity questioned, and in the heat of the moment, say things we later regret, as in an auto responder. As an example, in your circle of friends, there may be a pecking order. Many times you will see a few horse playing around where some in the group will start picking on the quiet ones and tease them. Many times a remark may be said in jest but may be taken the wrong way by those to whom it was directed. Pushed too hard, look out! If this group doesn’t know how to control their auto responders, hurtful words will start to fly. In fact, they may say some things that may be extremely hurtful. Hard feelings will happen and the friendship becomes fractured, never to be the same. ayuda We all react to attacks or uncomfortable situations differently. Some of us become silent, while others are just itching for a verbal altercation. For me personally, I like to step back and size up what was said and why. I can do this in a matter of seconds. I have trained myself to “weigh what I say”. What is the point of throwing out some verbal jab when you have no intention of following up with another one? It just makes matters worse for you and it inflames the situation. Believe me, most of us have said something as a response that we wish we could take back, right? I remember sitting at a restaurant while waiting for my meal, when the couple sitting next to me began to argue. I didn’t hear the beginning of their conversation but I and everyone in the restaurant heard the end of it. As she stood up and threw her white napkin down on the table, obviously frustrated with him, she stammered, trying to find the right words to get him to stop and listen to her. All the while he was making snide remarks and laughing at her as they got up and left the restaurant. All she had to do to take control of the situation was use her auto responder to say what she had to say and then get up and leave. There is no point in debating with someone who is being disrespectful to you. Make sure they understand it a moot point to debate you while they are being disrespectful and then walk away. Auto responders can prevent arguments if you know how to use them effectively. Instead of arguing, try using your auto responder. For example, let’s say you have someone who wants to argue with you and you simply don’t want to go there. Simply say “I’m sorry but I don’t want to argue, I’m having a great day and want to keep it that way.” Or, “Nope, I’m not going there, got to go.” There are many ways you to prevent an argument. Just make sure that you have an auto responder ready before you need it. Don’t incite someone wanting to debate or argue with you. Simply walk away. Many people have lost everything by the way they respond to others. Marriages have ended because of the way one or the other shoots off at their mouth. People have been murdered, injured and have made lifetime enemies just by responding with rude or smartelic comebacks. You don’t need to do that. Learn to use your auto responders wisely. They will keep you out of trouble. If you need help in learning on how to use auto responders call Dr. Mike. Do you struggle with keeping quiet when you want so much to fire back with a harsh remark? Have you gotten yourself into trouble by the things you have said to others? Do you need to learn how to control what you say and how you say it? Have you lost friendships over some of the things you have said and want help in repairing those friendships? If you answered yes to any of these questions you need to call Dr. Mike! Call him at 303.456.0555 today!

No one’s going to respect you till you respect yourself

I asked my client at one of our meetings..”Do you respect yourself?” He responded by saying ya, I do. I am a fun loving guy who is good looking and has a nice job. I have a lot to offer any woman I date. She’s getting a great deal when she dates me. “So, yes I respect myself.”
Don't let time go by if you have said something foolish. Deal with it right away!

Don’t let time go by if you have said something foolish. Deal with it right away!

It was several weeks before I heard from him, then out of the blue I got a call and he was crying over the phone and really upset. He stopped by and shared that he was in love with a wonderful woman and she broke up with him! He said that she was everything he wanted in a potential marriage partner. She was caring, compassionate, understanding, loving, kind and fun to be with. They did all kinds of things together, concerts, hiking, dances, eating out. They had great talks and were madly in love. So I asked him what happened? Well, he said. When I first met her she had a great figure. As we dated I noticed that she was putting some weight on and I mentioned to her that she should start exercising to lose weight. I like my women just the right size he told her. She stood up looked at him and said “really” and walked right out of his life right then and there. He was shocked and thought that they had a great relationship and why would she want to end it. He cried as he shared this story. He wanted her back and didn’t know what to do. Then a light bulb went on after we met several times. He now realized how he mistreated all the women he dated. He said to me “how can I show respect to anyone when I have no respect for myself?” He hit rock bottom really fast. As he talked he opened up about the deep hurts he had in his life. He was a macho man on the outside but deeply wounded on the inside. He wanted people to think he was in full control when he actually wasn’t. People thought he had it together when they were around him but internally he was mush. He wanted so bad to get back together with this woman, he wept as he sat in my office during each visit. He was crushed and started to see how much of his behavior had caused this break-up. I asked him what did he do when she broke off their relationship? I reacted in a harsh way! I sent her texts and e-mails scolding her and chastising her. I attacked her, her family and her work. I was awful in my treatment of her. Then I would text her and tell her how much I loved her and wanted her back. She must have thought I was a nut case. When your true actions reveal the real intent of who you are you’re headed in for some real hard times. If your knowingly doing things out of disrespect, then stop now and get help before you do too much damage. Next week we will continue this story and what my client needed to do to get help for his disrespecting others. Do you have a hard time respecting others at home, work or with your friends? Do you feel disrespected at home by your spouse or children? Do you feel disrespected at work and want help in stopping it? If you answered yes to any of these questions give dr Mike a call today he can help you!

The Weeds In Our Lives

Living in the mountains has some incredible advantages. The views, nature in all it’s glory. I live on the side of a mountain that has plenty of wild flowers. My place has some of the finest wild flowers this side of heaven. The colors bust forth with florescent yellows, reds, purples, and blues. The wild rose bushes on our place produces some of the best fragrances known to man. I also keep the little grass that I have manicured and cut short. Mind you it’s no more then the size of a 20 x 20 square patch. It’s mowed with my push mower that I got as a gift one year. I want this little patch to look like a manicured golf course. I take pride in it. If the dogs leave a chewed up stick on the lawn I immediately pick it up. Before company comes I will go out and make one more grass cut to make it look nice. picking the weeds The back meadow has some fine tall grass and the elk love it as well. It’s never mowed on a regular basis. I weed whack it once a year at best and near the Brooks BBQ time on Labor day. One morning in August I went out to check the live stock and off the back deck I saw the dreaded Canadian thistle with the purple flower growing in the tall grass. It was about 3 feet tall and slightly hidden behind the pine tree. I don’t like weeds at all. They’re a nuisance and hard to remove. When I saw the one Canadian thistle I looked around and saw many more all over the back meadow. I was horrified. They were outta control. I went and got my shovel and commenced to digging them up. I knew if I didn’t get these weeds they would consume my entire back meadow. As I was digging them up the weed pile got bigger and bigger. How could I not notice all the grown weeds over the past few months? There were 100’s of them. When I thought that I had them all removed I would see more up on the upper part of our meadow. After spending several hours of ridding the place of Canadian thistles I was tired and took a break and drank my refreshing glass of iced tea. As I glanced over the entire area of the lower meadow and back yard and felt a sigh of relief. Then I thought what about the weeds we allow in our personal lives. The people who are consuming of our time and resources. Those who do not listen to good common sense and continue to live in a world of turmoil. The people who are takers and give noting in return. The ones who continually take advantage of others including yourself. Is it time we get those kind of weeds out of our lives? Like your yard, for most of us we get rid of the weeds that will take over our beautiful yard. I think for the sanity for yourself and family it’s time to make some personal changes with the people or situations you are involved in.
Pulling weeds is a no brainer they can destroy your grass and the appearance of your lawn. The people weeds as I call them can destroy your reputation and peace of mind. Are there people that you need to simply remove from your life?
If there is and you need help in doing so contact Dr. Mike he can help you. Do you need some advice on eliminating unhealthy people out of your life. Are you ready to take the next step and clean out the messy situations you are facing? Don’t live in a life that you can’t stand anymore..there is hope.
Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!