The Day you Decide to Divorce (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

The Day you Decide to Divorce (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

The day you decide to divorce there will be many things you have to consider. Who will your divorce effect? If you have children, they will be the most challenged in your immediate family circle. Your family, parents, brothers, and sisters, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, for the most part, will take this hard. I think it best that you have a game plan on how to share the news with your family and close friends. Consider those in the family that you trust to share with them your views and insights on your divorce. If you have a known gossip in the family and you know that they will add their personal insights to your private business and share it with others, do not share with them. They will be a problem for you in keeping sensitive information private.

Unhappy couple arguing about a possible divorce

Have a plan on how to talk with your spouse. You need to let them know why you have chosen to take this route and your next steps. Be forthcoming in your reasons and don’t sugar coat your reasons. Be upfront and truthful for obvious reasons. This will be difficult enough when you sit down and share the reasons why you want a divorce. Listen patiently and don’t get angry or upset when they challenge you. Not everyone will sit back and say something like “hey, that’s a great idea let’s get divorced and as soon as possible.” Most likely this will not happen.

Here are some things that your spouse may say that doesn’t want a divorce from you;

  • How long have you been thinking of wanting to divorce and why?
  • Let’s get counseling/coaching so that we can save our marriage
  • What about our children they need both of us in the same house
  • Oh you have said this in the past, I know you don’t really mean it
  • Please give this one more try, I’ll do better in our marriage
  • No, I will not sign any papers giving you a divorce
  • We can’t financially do a divorce, forget it
  • You’ll get over this, you always do
  • I’ll kill myself you just wait and see
  • I’ll do anything you want me to do, anything to not get divorced

There will be many reasons why someone who doesn’t want a divorce will fight it. Making promises to change behaviors that they can’t possibly keep. Hearing these pleadings can be heartbreaking. That’s why if you can save your marriage, and get help in deciding what is right for you then just do it.

Ask yourself these questions; am I filing because I’m angry and doing it out of spite? Have I thought through all my options of trying to save the marriage before I file? What are the real reasons I’m filing? Have I tried marriage counseling/coaching with my spouse? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then give Dr. Mike a call he can help with this difficult process of deciding on your next steps and what to do. Call him at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did! You can call him at 303.880.9878

Dealing With Difficult People (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Dealing with Difficult People (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

This week we will continue giving you useful information on dealing with difficult people in your life. Seldom do we know what to say or do with difficult people in our life who are angry and hard to deal with. Dr. Mike will give you some great advice on how to take back control from difficult people in your life.

Avoid people who cause your stress

Avoid difficult people in your life

How to deal with difficult family members and in-laws can be critical for a happy marriage. I have heard some good stories about the crazy in-laws, and I’m sure you have as well. Whether some of these stories are true or not, I don’t know. Most relationships with in-laws are good and healthy. Some are bad, and you probably hear that from some of your friends. When you marry into a family, you have to take the good and the bad with it.

So what are the big issues with the in-laws these days? Many complaints I have heard is the way in-laws are critical towards you and the way you do things. They may have a certain way they do things and interject their opinions on you, making you compromise your values and to keep the peace you do it their way. Criticism from an in-law towards a daughter in law or son in law is a major complaint in new marriages. Many times in-laws will find faults with their new son-in-law or daughter-in-law. They look for flaws and report to their child the imperfections they’ve noticed. If your parents are doing this, you need to stop them before it gets out of hand. This will cause a division in your marriage if you support your parent’s behavior. Pull them aside and let them know that you appreciate their concerns but you will deal with it if it becomes a problem. Protect your marriage from outside sources (parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc.) People mean well, but your new spouse comes first, take no sides. If there are issues, talk to your spouse first and deal with it between the two of you.

Here are some of my tips in dealing with your in-laws and your parents if issues keep coming up.

  • Keep your quarrels between the two of you, don’t involve
  • When disagreeing with each other be civil, don’t defend parents behaviors. I know it’s tempting, especially if your parents are defending you.
  • Don’t take sides with your new spouse, be neutral and then sit down with husband/wife and talk.
  • Don’t let your parents talk you into anything, think first!
  • Protect your spouse, your parents, and in-laws from divisive people
  • Don’t repeat gossip about anyone or anything. Keep the peace
  • Avoid endless battles or confrontations

These days, families, in-laws, spouses come in all different shapes and sizes. We’re all different and have been raised differently by our parents, grandparents. Some parents were strict while others laid back and carefree. There are so many different parenting styles, and we all want to have some input with suggestions on how we think our grandchild should be raised. We need to let our adult children ask us for advice, not we enforce our idea’s and opinions on them. If you’re asked, then by all means give your advice. Keep from interjecting and forcing your advice and being labeled a difficult parent or in-law.

In closing, difficult people surround us everywhere. It depends on how we interact with them that will dictate the outcome. My first instinct is to avoid unnecessary run-ins if at all possible. It’s not worth the aggravation and heartaches it causes. If you must deal with someone, that is difficult, then be on guard and be careful with what you say and the intent behind it. If this individual is still a problem, then walk away.

Are you afraid to confront difficult people in your life? Do you have family members who are difficult to get along with? Do you fear family gatherings because of past run-ins with siblings, parents? Would you like a plan that can help you face difficult people in your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then contact Dr. Mike for personal help and planning your next steps at 303.880.9878.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

 

 

Betrayal X’s Two Equals Devastation By Karen Hill

After sixteen years of marriage, I learned my husband was having an affair with my best friend. The stunning revelation didn’t come from him but rather from her husband. The shock went through me like a lightning bolt. Evidently, this affair had been going on for a long period of time without my knowledge. When my husband came home from work I wanted to talk about the affair…how did it happen…why did it happen? His answer was he didn’t know why it happened. That was very unsettling to me and, of course, I was afraid it would happen again. My husband and I had two young daughters at the time and I wanted to protect them. I didn’t tell a sole about the affair.

I was too ashamed and felt I had done something horribly wrong in our marriage. We had what I thought was a good marriage. We had become comfortable with our lives, socialized with friends and family, and were basically compatible. It was the type of marriage that Cathy Meyer (About.com) calls a ‘low conflict’ marriage. We had settled into our routines, rarely argued, and, I thought we were a normal family. I wanted to trust my husband and create a better marriage but it seemed to be taking a very long time. I had no one to talk to. I had obviously severed ties with my friend but occasionally saw her at an event or out shopping. Each encounter was horribly awkward and painful. Seven years later my husband went to our home and cleaned out his belongings while I was at work. I had to deal with a new reality…my husband left the family and we divorced. When my children were grown I moved away to get better work and start a new life. Yet for 33 years I carried anger and pain with me. Both my husband and I had remarried and our children were grown. My friend and her husband saved their marriage. I occasionally received news of her from mutual friends. Every time I heard her name I felt myself becoming tense.

Recently I saw a picture of her on Facebook and old memories returned. These were memories of our early friendship when we were younger. I remembered the family trips we shared and the fun times we had together. I decided at that moment I was finished with the grudges and sent her a Facebook message. She was very gracious in her return message. We have since connected by phone and in person. The burden has been lifted from me and probably also her. We both shed a few tears. Today I’m finding that life is much more pleasant without avoidance and resentment. Reconciliation has lifted a huge burden from my shoulders and I am thankful. Does this article ring true in your life or in the life of someone you know is hurting? If so, please contact me and we can talk about it. All calls are confidential and the first call is a free 30-minute consultation.

I would like to add that Karen Hill is an associate of Applicable Counseling and Coaching Services. Karen Hill Life Coach KarenHill.com 812.205.253 812.204.0475 Adultery Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and Coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

The Easy Way Out (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

The Easy Way Out (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

For those of you married to someone who takes “the easy way out” there are things you can do to help ease your pain. First of all, I know many of you would like to know how to confront those who take the easy path from any form of confrontation. I think if you have a workable thought-out plan that would help you in deciding how you should react and talk to the “the easy way out” person. At least you would have some control in your relationship, right? Here are a few of my tips that might help you:

• When dealing with “the easy way out” person, make sure your plan is detailed, and you know it well.
• When talking with them, don’t have a hidden agenda. Be open and honest with them. Most likely if you just drop something on them, they will bail on your conversation.
• Stick to facts and figures. Be tactful on how you present your position. Don’t talk down to them or badger them into answering your questions.
• Ask if they understand your questions. You can’t force someone to be a part of your discussion if they aren’t willing to talk, end it on the spot if you don’t you will only get aggravated and angry.
• Clarify and listen to responses carefully. Miscommunication is the number one problem in understanding each other.
• If the person you’re speaking with decides that the talk is over and they get up and leave, don’t grovel, beg and plead for them to continue a conversation they have no interest in.

I believe most people want to be able to clarify their position and resolve the personal conflict between each other. How you do it is key. If you know the person that you will be talking to hates any form of confrontation, let them know that confrontation is not that bad. Where it becomes a problem is when people start making faces, raise their voice, have poor body language and presentation, etc. In actuality, 10%, of how people will respond to you is based on what you say. The other 90% is entirely nonverbal and where people get upset. Pointing fingers, making facial expressions while someone is talking to you is not going to help your cause. Best to be sincere and non-combative when confronting someone.

From the clients that I’ve worked with and observed when couples confront each other, it’s best to let the (spouse you are confronting) know that you have their best interests at heart as well as yours. That avoiding a talk that has confrontation in it will never resolve anything. Get it done and out of the way. Be careful in what you say and how you say it. That’s very important for having good communication. In closing, make sure that you don’t avoid talking with your spouse, confront in love, respect answers that your spouse shares with you. Be patient with the one who is not a very good communicator. Good communication takes time and practice. You can do it!!!

Do you fear confrontation and will avoid it at any cost, even if it complicates your relationship with your spouse? Do you feel that taking the path of least resistance is painful and has hurt you in the past? Would you like help in being able to stand up and address taking the easy way out? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give Dr. Mike a call. He can help you today. His number is 303.880.9878. Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and Life Coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

The Easy Way Out (3) By Dr. Michael Brooks

The Easy Way Out (3) By Dr. Michael Brooks As I look at the people I work with today, many feel that ignoring their marriage problems will go away. The “easy way out” crowd will walk away from it and not give it a second thought. These folks want nothing to do with resolving any problems. Many of us don’t know how to spot the “easy way out” people until it’s too late. Once you know who these people are, be very careful in having any emotional, or business dealings with them. Here are some of my tips in recognizing these people: • Caviler attitudes towards others • Will find excuses not to commit to people or projects • At the slightest confrontation, they will avoid the person who is the person wanting answers from them • Will let you down emotionally time after time • Prefer to always take the easy road • Will put barriers in front of commitment • They will commit to people or projects until they are called on to help or get involved and not show up or call you In many divorces, the “easy way out” person will not make any effort to talk with you and resolve the marriage problems but seek out a lawyer and file divorce papers on you. They will not face their spouse or even talk with them about why they are filing. Their reason is this, they don’t want any emotional attachment to you, so filing and having their lawyer take care of the legal matters is all this individual wants. They will do things underhanded things just to be done with you. They move things out of the house when the other person is not at home. They will start closing accounts and moving money. They simply don’t like to argue or have any confrontation. I know of a couple who seemed to have a good marriage and then one day the man moved out of the house leaving his wife wondering what just happened. She was devastated and heartbroken. She waited a few days and tried calling him. He avoided her and went through his lawyer for any correspondence he thought she needed from him. She was served with separation papers and eventually divorce papers. His “easy way out” was to hire a lawyer to end his marriage and continue to be involved with another married woman. The “easy way out” destroys people, families, and relationships. I call it the cowards way of dealing with life’s problems. This isn’t the answer nor is it good for the person on the receiving end of someone trying to avoid conflict. I know several people who will take the easy way out because that’s their nature and avoid strife of any kind. They are weak in their marriages and get walked over constantly. Instead of sticking up for themselves they cave in and get beat up emotionally. The easy way isn’t always the best way. Those that take the “easy way out” suffer in silence until they break and move on never looking back. Do you fear confrontation and will avoid it at any cost, even if it complicates your relationship with your spouse? Do you feel that taking the path of least resistance is painful and has hurt you in the past? Would you like help in being able to stand up and address taking the easy way out? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give Dr. Mike a call.He can help you today. His number is 303.880.9878. Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and Life Coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Dealing With Difficult People By Dr. Michael Brooks

Dealing with Difficult People (1) By Dr. Michael Brooks As I was waiting in line at a local fast food restaurant, a young man about 20 or so decided to cut in front of the line and act like he didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t bother to look behind him at all and notice the cold stares he was receiving from the people behind him. Some of the people started to grumble and let him know that he needs to go to the end of the line and wait his turn. He kept looking at the menu not paying attention to the people who were calling him out. I was wondering why he thought he could get away with his cutting in line. I waited patiently as the line started to move as people had their orders taken. The woman he cut in front of was a senior citizen, and as he steps up to give his order, she cut in front of this young man and gave him a lecture about manners and respect. She raised her voice so everyone in Wendy’s could hear her. Then she told him to go back to the end of the line. He left the restaurant in a huff and angry. My thoughts were “Bravo” for you. Good job on her part. Life offers all kinds of individuals who prey on non-confrontational people. They bank on someone not challenging them with their being difficult or confrontational. Most folks will murmur under their breath and hope not to make a scene in front of others if they challenge a difficult person. I have been guilty of holding back what I wanted to say to a difficult person. I’m sure many of you have as well. It’s hard to deal with difficult people if you have no taste for conflict. So the question begs, how should we deal with difficult people in our lives? Do we confront them and let the chips fall where they may? Do we step back and say nothing and hope it doesn’t happen again? We all have degrees of what we can tolerate with difficult people. Most of us will say nothing and keep to ourselves. We avoid conflict at all costs. I know some folks who look for correcting someone’s bad behavior if it involves them or someone they know, and it often gets them into trouble. My older brother and I were driving through the drive-through at a Burger King in Florida. He began to place his order with the attendant when she interrupted my brother and asked what size fries he wanted. He said the medium size and then she proceeded to ask him how much would that cost because he could see the prices on the menu board? He said she should know the price and then she unloaded on him on how stupid he was for not being able to read the menu. My brother asked to talk to her manager. The cashier refused to get her manager to speak to my brother. He drove up to the window where this woman was, and he asked again for the manager. She refused and said to my brothers face that he was stupid and couldn’t read. The manager overheard them arguing and came to the drive up window and asked what the problem was? My brother told her the story and the order taker listened and then verbally attacked my brother. Obviously, this was starting to get out of hand, so I asked my brother to leave and go. The manager was trying to solve an issue with her problem co-worker and getting nowhere with her. I think it’s wise to pick and choose your battles and not die on the hill for each and every encounter. Next week we will continue with dealing with difficult people in our lives. Anger is a real problem many of us face with loved ones and close friends in our lives. Dr. Mike will share some of his tips to help you win the battle with difficult people. Are you afraid to confront difficult people in your life? Do you have family members who are difficult to get along with? Do you fear family gatherings because of past run-ins with siblings, parents? Would you like a plan that can help you face difficult people in your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then contact Dr. Mike for personal help and planning your next steps at 303.880.9878. Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Divorce By Social Media (Facebook, Classmates) By Dr. Michael Brooks

A recent client of mine told me about how his wife had reconnected with an old boyfriend from high school through Facebook. They hadn’t seen each other in 38 years and considered each other their “first love.” As we all know, a “first love” is a strong bond to break especially when there was physical intimacy involved. He told me that her old boyfriend found her on Facebook and sent her a contact note. She responded back by telling him she was married and had four children. He wanted to hear more about her life and what she had been doing all those 38 years. Unbeknownst to her, he had been divorced twice and was thinking about her. Eventually, her marriage seemed unfulfilling to her too and unfortunately, she shared that with her ex-boyfriend. He was an engineer and had been divorced for three years. He wanted to reconnect with her, and she thought it would be nice to see him too. So she traveled to Ohio to meet him and never told her husband where she was going.

Lonely sad girl with broken heart

She just packed her bags for a “weekend getaway”. When she returned, she told her husband of 30+ years that she was divorcing him. She wanted out and had talked to a lawyer about putting the divorce together. She said their grown children that she was divorcing their father and told all kinds of lies about him. She also told the children that he was unfaithful and abusive towards her. The lies got even worse the more time she spent with her old flame talking on the phone and chatting on Facebook. With her lies, she turned her children and family against him. The lies were so destructive and painful he nearly had a nervous breakdown. He begged, pleaded, groveled, wept and cried to get her back. She destroyed this man’s life because of an affair she wanted and tried to justify it with her lies. This woman was very deceitful and filled with hate. When I met with this man at my office, he was beside himself.

He had nowhere to turn, and his children wanted nothing to do with him. His wife hated him and was bent on taking him down. He asked me, “Dr. Mike, where do I go from here? I have done nothing that she has accused me of. I have been faithful to her and loved her, but she always seemed unhappy. I’ve tried talking with her, planning vacations, etc., but it just never worked out. I even asked her to go to marriage counseling, which she refused. I know I wasn’t a perfect husband, but I tried everything possible to make her happy. “ He told me that he found out who the guy was, what kind of job he had and the type of people he was involved with. He also knew how many times he was divorced and even current relationships the man was involved in. He had all the emails they sent each other with the time and date stamps on them. He wanted to know why another man would take his wife away, knowing full-well she was still married. That was a fair question. Relationships can be so complex! They are hard to understand at times. “Who should get the blame,” he asked? I told him, “They both should. He shares in the equal responsibility. The reason you feel it’s more your wife’s fault is that she is the focal point of your pain.” If you suspect that your spouse/partner is reconnecting with a former girlfriend, boyfriend, lover, etc., you need to confront them immediately.

The longer you delay, the more damage there will be, and the possibility of your marriage will come to an end is likely. Confronting your spouse is not a bad thing – doing absolutely nothing is. You need a game plan when you talk to your spouse/partner. If you accuse them without knowing what you’re going to say, you’re headed for trouble so plan on that! More and more relationships have ended from social websites than ever before. If you are tempted to look up an old boyfriend or girlfriend, don’t. There is no reason to risk hurting your relationship with your spouse/partner by looking for past loves. Protect that relationship you’re in, guard it and enjoy it! Trying to rekindle a relationship with an old flame never works, especially if you’re in a committed relationship.

Do you suspect that your spouse has been cheating on you by using Facebook or Classmates.com? Have you seen the signs of them spending time texting excessively or on the computer? Do you need help in confronting your spouse/partners suspicious behavior? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to contact Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. Don’t allow an old love to destroy your relationship. If your marriage has been threatened by or has ended because of a social media affair and you need someone to talk to, or need help in overcoming the pain you’re going through, please call Dr. Mike. He can help you. He has helped several people through the process of a broken relationship caused by social media infidelity. Master Life Coaching, Divorce Coaching, and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.