If You’re Considering Divorce (1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

If You’re Considering Divorce (1)

By Dr. Michael Brooks

I am amazed by the people wanting out of their marriages and the reasons why. I don’t question the intent of the person seeking a divorce as there are some good reasons to leave a marriage. But some of the reasons I hear seem to be knee jerk reactions out of anger or revenge. More often than not, once the person wanting the divorce cools off, cooler heads prevail. Then civil communication usually begins, and the couple tries to talk things over. That’s how it’s supposed to happen, so they say!

There are many reasons why people divorce, some good and some bad. The ones that are the most common and that I hear: are falling out of love, physical and emotional adultery, drugs, and alcohol, spousal abuse, and abandonment. Most people who deal with these reasons for divorcing have some idea somethings not right in their marriage and want to move on with their lives. There is the small percentage of folks caught off guard that are so trusting that their partner would never cheat on them, then they find out their spouse cheated and are devastated and crushed. The drinking and drugs usually have warning signs that most people can see. There is so much damage that happens in a marriage when alcoholism is involved. One person is trying to survive why the other lives in denial. It’s a tough situation to be in.

Unhappy couple after fight not talking to each other

Before you consider getting a divorce, check out all your options. I suggest couples or individual marriage counseling to help you decide.

Divorce has stabilized the last ten years; there are many reasons for that. The availability of helpful resources from within the community, or churches. The economy is improving. This younger generation seems to communicate better with each other, and a host of other reasons.

I’ve spent years counseling couples and exposing the myths of divorce and how to overcome these myths with truth and facts. I have to be honest with my feelings. I have seen couples that didn’t have any reason for a divorce per say, but still went ahead and got divorced. It was hard for me to understand all the reasons these people divorce, but that’s their decision, not mine.

So here is the main reason for this article today on why people are considering divorce. In the many years that I have counseled and coached couples deciding if they wanted a divorce, here are few of the reasons for couples splitting up today.

  • Emotional affairs: There is no physical intimacy in the beginning, but this can change over a period of time. The emotional affair usually starts through texting, phone contact or even Skype.
  • Physical affairs: These usually happen when an individual is looking to have their needs met, physically, or emotionally. This starts out as friends and advances into something more. One or both of the people involved in a physical affair are both surprised by this.
  • Alcohol and drug abuse: I have had some clients that had no clue that the person they married had any kind problems in this area. I have seen some individuals so traumatized by a spouse who lied about their drinking or drug habits.
  • Physical abuse: Many divorces are a result of physical abuse. They are either hit, slapped, beaten, kicked, punched, pushed, shoved and fear for their lives. Both men and women can do this to their spouse. The damage this can cause the entire immediate family is heartbreaking.
  • Emotional abuse: This is starting to become a bigger problem within marriages. The internet has advanced this problem by some of the music video’s showing mostly women being abused by men verbally. It’s a common sign that a marriage is headed for trouble once this begins.
  • Lack of love, falling out of love, common interests, no passion, and unrealistic expectations. These are considered major distractions in marriage and are the most repairable yet can be annoying to the one who wants the marriage to work.

The issues that are affecting couples today can be several but integrated into one problem. For example, the emotional and physical affairs usually tend to be combined. I had one client several years ago ask his wife if she was having an emotional affair after he saw her texts on her phone, it escalated to “are you also having an intimate relationship as well.” It didn’t end well; the affair cost them their marriage.

Do you suspect that you’re falling out of love with your spouse? Do you feel like your relationship is drifting apart? Has the lack of love in your relationship caused your spouse/partner to cheat on you by using Facebook or Classmates.com? Have you seen the signs of them spending time texting excessively or on the computer? Do you need help in confronting your spouse/partners suspicious behavior? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to contact Dr. Mike and set up an appointment. Don’t allow an old love to destroy your relationship. If your marriage has been threatened by or has ended because of a social media affair and you need someone to talk to, or need help in overcoming the pain you’re going through, please call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878. He can help you. He has helped several people through the process of a broken relationship caused by social media infidelity.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Do Not Take Counsel From Your Fears (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Do Not Take Counsel From Your Fears (2)

By Dr. Michael Brooks

This week, I have some tips that will help you deal with the fears you face each and every day. It will take some work on your part, but you can overcome your fears if your willing to move forward with your life.

Here is my acronym for fear: False Emotions Appearing Real. It makes sense if you read into it. Fear, for the most part, can be false, it hardly ever happens, but in our minds, that’s a different story. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that 90% of the things we worry about never happen, and the same goes with fear. Fear can cause all kinds of health issues such as headaches, stomach issues, heart palpations, and difficulty in breathing. It does have physical and emotional side effects.

Businessman sitting on old concrete fear word, facing dark storm ocean.

You need to take control of your fears, have a plan when you face your fears and put it into action

Have you ever had a fear that was so crippling that you avoided going to work, to a social gathering, or even calling someone on the phone? This fear whether real or imagined can be disabling to so many.

So what can you do about the fear you face from day to day? When you feel it starting to crop up into your life, it’s best to deal with it immediately, don’t sit on it, hoping it will go away. Once you can identify your fear, starting looking at it and decide if it’s real or imagined. If it’s real, then start planning next steps on how to deal with it. I suggest write it out on your writing tablet, what is the fear, who is involved in this fear, is it you or other individuals? Plan next steps and stick to the plan. If phone calls are part of the plan of dealing with it, make the calls a priority. It’s easy to blow those off and plan on making your calls later. Usually, phone calls get to the issues pretty quickly, and it’s much easier to call then to set up a face to face meeting. I like calling people; I can be myself and get to the point pretty quickly. Have the questions you want to ask or discuss written out before your meeting by phone or in person. Take notes during your conversation if by phone, otherwise mental notes if in person. I think most people would prefer meeting by phone; I know I do.

Here are some of my tips to help you deal with the fears you face:

  • Identify what your fears are and understand why they affect you
  • Your plan should take immediate action, is your fear real or imagined?
  • Stay with the plan once the fears start showing themselves
  • If the fear is real, then look at solutions and fixes for the fear you’re face
  • If the fear imagined, then examine the reason your dwelling on this fear
  • Don’t give up stay the course; failure is not an option
  • Remember not all fears are bad, they can be healthy too

If your fear is imagined, then you need to be able to sort through why you’re thinking the way you do. Many of the imagined fears are a result of past bad experiences that have not been dealt with. For example, a child who has had divorced parents and one of the parents was scheduled to pick the child up and doesn’t show and it’s a habitual pattern; this will cause a child undo fear of being abandoned. As a parent how would you deal with this? There are many ways, but having an alternate plan is most helpful. As an adult many of us face imagined fears; the loss of a job, thinking our spouse is cheating on us, that we’re not good enough, we’ll be alone for the rest of our lives, etc. 

Here is another acronym of fear, and it’s one that I use when encouraging people dealing with fear: Face Everything and Rise. In this day and age, it’s not easy to face our fears, real or imagined. Life can be hard and unforgiving at times. Our faulty thinking can be the root of our fears and anxiety. There are tools to combat our fears, first, realize our thoughts and began to look at them and challenge them, that’s when you begin to win the battle over the fears that you face.

Are you holding on to your past fears and can’t experience joy in your life? Do you still hold on to fearful memories and your future seems hopeless? Do you want to be free of your Fears so you can have a wonderful future? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give Dr. Mike a call at 303.880.9878. He can help you with relationship problems.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Are You Allowing Your Past to Poison Your Future (3) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Are You Allowing Your Past to Poison Your Future (3) By Dr. Michael Brooks

We will continue our story this week “Are You Allowing Your Past to Poison Your Future”!

I had a client of mine who was a miserable person to be around. He just wouldn’t let go of all the hurts people caused him through out his life. It seemed like a game to him; he toyed with people emotionally. If they hurt him in the past, he would hold a grudge and bait people by acting nice to them. After they would feel a friendship was developing he would set them up with compliments, take them to lunch, etc. Then out of the blue, he would say very hurtful things and just dump the person, leaving that individual wondering “What just happened?” He was never really happy as he was stuck with the poison of his past and seemed to enjoy being mean spirited towards others. His past certainly poisoned his future with family and friends. Being bitter and angry never works for developing healthy or restoring relationships.

Long term health hazard, man in red rhombus symbol. Danger banner for factory. Vector illustration. Warning sign with exclamation point.

Don’t let the poison of your past control your future of today

Say No to bad relationships, say No to unhealthy situations in your past, say No to those who have hurt you, say No to people that are holding you back! Say Yes to taking control of your future, say Yes to restoring relationships, say Yes to a happier life controlled by you! Oh, Dr. Mike, you make this sound so simple. You don’t know the struggles I have with my past. My friends, we all face struggles each and every one of us. I know we all have our own share of problems, but do our past issues consume us to the point we can’t move forward on with our lives? Do we hold on so tightly to our past failures that we don’t want the world to see that we have failed at something and the embarrassment will hurt our reputation? So if we allow the poison of our past to influence us for the rest of our lives, what will we accomplish by doing that? I think that’s a good question to ponder. Many people don’t know how to let go and move on. They drag a whole lot of troubles with them not knowing what to do to free themselves of their past.They will go to counselors and share their burdens they carry, and that’s as far as they get. They go home and beat themselves up. Why? They can’t let go of their past failures, they don’t listen to sound advice and dwell on what happened in the past.

If you’ve ever been in a bad relationship, you know what I am talking about. We all look back and wonder what happened and why did we allow ourselves to be with such an unhealthy person? Do we stay there and beat ourselves up? For the most part of course not, we move forward and look for a better and healthy relationship to be in.

In closing always remember, don’t allow your past or the poison you live with cloud your future. It’s all up to you to be in control of your future and to make the best of things and enjoy life. You can do this, you really can. No excuses my friends.

Are you holding on to your past hurts and can’t experience joy in your life? Do you still hold on to memories and your future seems hopeless? Do you want to be free of your past so you can have a wonderful future? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give Dr. Mike a call at 303.880.9878. He can help you with relationship problems.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Are You Allowing Your Past to Poison Your Future (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Are You Allowing Your past to poison your Future (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

We will continue our story this week “Are You Allowing Your Past to Poison Your Future”! Plus, I’ll give you some tips on how to prevent the of poisoning your future in today’s article.

I think I can honestly say we all have had things in our past poison our future, not to this degree of course but in other small ways. I also believe that we have to let go of the things that hold us back from enjoying who we are and our future with others. I know this was an extreme example, but you can see how his actions impacted his entire family. He missed his daughter’s wedding, probably will never know his grandchildren or son-in-law. This is a pretty sad story.

Young woman having autumn depression and crying

Don’t allow your past to poison your future

If you have some major setbacks in your life, it’s best to deal with them now and not sit on them thinking they will go away. They will not and hoping they will and not dealing with them will only poison your future with the people you love and care about. Let me ask you a simple question. What is the point to hold on to your anger and bitterness? What and where will it get you? Proving your point only makes you lose out on so much of your life, family, and events. If you think coming out a winner by allowing the poison of your past to cloud your future is a good thing, I’ve got news for you. It isn’t; it’s just the simple truth, and this should convince you, it’s a lose, lose situation for you.

My suggestions for you to start the healing you need, so you will not allow your past to poison your future is simple, it really is;

  • Whatever you feel is a poison to you, sit down and write it on paper. Then look it over and decide if this person or event is worth missing out on family and life in general.
  • Come clean, if you have caused some problems for others, go to them and make things right. Apologize and seek to repair the broken relationship.
  • Do not allow the past to poison your future, tell yourself that it’s ok to move on and let go.
  • You control what you keep inside your brain, don’t allow the past to dictate your future.
  • Avoid negative thinking, keep busy with improving yourself, help others, read good books, do healthy things for yourself.
  • Avoid people, places and things that poisoned your past.
  • It’s ok to say NO to people who have influenced and introduced you to the poison of your past. Avoid, avoid, and avoid!

We will continue our story next week “Are You Allowing Your Past to Poison Your Future.

Are you holding on to your past hurts and can’t experience joy in your life? Do you still hold on to memories and your future seems hopeless? Do you want to be free of your past so you can have a wonderful future? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give Dr. Mike a call at 303.880.9878. He can help you with relationship problems.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Are You Allowing Your Past to Poison Your Future (1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Are You Allowing Your past to poison your Future (1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Quick question, how many of us are still stuck in the past with the wrongs people have done to us? Let’s face it; we all know people in our lives who just won’t let go of things done to them or problems they have brought on by themselves. I think it’s extremely important that we look at why focusing on past failures, mistakes, unmet expectations can cloud our future.

Closeup portrait headshot senior man hard of hearing asking someone to speak up can't hear isolated gray wall background.

Dad was angry his daughters decided to plan their own futures.

I knew a man who just wouldn’t let go of his anger about the way his three daughters turned out. He had their education planned out, where they would go to college, how high their GPA’s should be. He controlled every aspect of their lives. He was very controlling about the people they dated. His wife had no say in his planning for the kid’s futures. He expected them to work in his engineering firm when they graduated from college. As we know, kids do their things, choose their own friends and the people they date. They also have a good idea on what they want to do for work and what school they want to attend.

As his daughters went through high school the battles began, fights occurred over several issues about their education, who they dated and their lifestyles. The dad felt he was losing control over his kids. Let’s just say the kids won out. He was insisting that they pay for their own education and living expenses. He checked out of their lives and became a recluse in his own home. When the girls came home on weekends, he had nothing to do with them. He avoided seeing them or speaking with them. He was always busy when the kids wanted to talk with him, and his wife confronted him about his behavior. This lead to big arguments with his wife and eventually a divorce that he didn’t want. But his pride got in the way, and he still wouldn’t budge.

When his oldest daughter got married, she wanted her dad to walk her down the isle, and he refused to attend her wedding. How bullheaded was this action towards his daughter? Most of us would agree that he took this to an extreme and lost out his daughter’s wedding. I look at it this way; he allowed his past to poison his future with his girls, wife, and God knows who else.

We will continue our story next week “Are You Allowing Your Past to Poison Your Future”! Plus, I’ll give you some tips on how to prevent the of poisoning your future.

Are you holding on to your past hurts and can’t experience joy in your life? Do you still hold on to memories and your future seems hopeless? Do you want to be free of your past so you can have a wonderful future? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give Dr. Mike a call at 303.880.9878. He can help you with relationship problems.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

I’m No Quitter, By Dr. Michael Brooks

I’m no Quitter, By Dr. Michael Brooks

I’ve run into a lot of people who just don’t have the stomach to keep trying working on their relationship. It’s status quo, and that’s fine by them. They cause needless suffering because of the self-pity they put themselves through about their relationship. Several years ago, I worked with a couple who just didn’t get along. They constantly blamed each other for the problems they were experiencing. Neither one could admit to any problems they caused it was always the other person’s fault. He said, she said..oh, it was hard for this couple to understand that they had poor communication skills.

Unhappy couple after fight not talking to each other

I’m No Quitter are you?

Then I asked a simple question, “which one of you wants to quit on your marriage?” The look on their faces was priceless. The husband said, “What are you talking about, we came here for you to help us, not ask us to quit on our marriage,” I responded by saying, I simply asked both of you a question that would help clarify where they were at in your marriage. The man started by saying, “I love my wife, and she is the best thing that ever happened to me.” She looked at him shocked, to be hearing those words coming from her husband. She stood up and walked over to him and looked at him, then at me. I’ve been waiting to hear those very words for over 15 years, why now?

She started to cry, and he walked over to her and held her. “Dr. Mike, we want a healthy marriage, we fight all the time, but I know we both want this marriage to work and are willing to do whatever it takes. Please help us.” His wife looked up at me and nodded in agreement. So let me get this straight, you both are not quitters and want to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work? Both nodded yes.

My friends this is the first step in saving any marriage from the ravages of divorce. Admit that you have problems and are willing to take the steps needed necessary in saving your relationship. I see quitters all the time, and these people are the ones who will make excuses and refuse to change. Here are some of the excuses that I hear from those who I consider are quitters.

  • I can’t change, this is the way I’ve been all my life
  • She married me this way; she knew what he/she was getting
  • I have too much going on in my life; it’s not that easy
  • Why now, has she been watching Dr. Phil and saw it on TV
  • Leave well enough alone; we don’t need to do this
  • Listen, it’s been just fine, and I’m OK with the things the way they are
  • If you bring this up one more time, I’m done with the marriage; it’s over

If you really want to salvage your marriage or any relationship for that matter, identify the issues and sit down and talk about them. This isn’t rocket science; it’s a “Matter of the Heart.” Talk about the entire relationship, not just the bad things, but talk about the good things in your relationship. Mix it up, after a heavy dose of reality talk about the good things, the fun things you do for each other and enjoy each others company. Believe me that goes a long way in a hurting relationship. Encourage and lift each other up. That’s my tip for this week.

Do you feel like quitting on your marriage? Are you tired of being the only one trying to save your relationship and need to know what your next steps should be? Do you need help in working on your relationship, so you don’t quit? If you answered yes to any of these questions set up an appointment with Dr. Mike and get the help you need. Call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

 

Why Do Women Cheat on Men? (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Why Do Women Cheat on Men? (4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

So, what is the cure for unmet expectations or wandering eyes? What should the husband do to keep his wife happy at home? Is there a common sense fix here to help restore a damaged relationship due to an affair. Absolutely.

If a woman is considering having an affair, she should evaluate the consequences of having an affair. What will it do to her children? What will it do to her family? What will it do to her husband? What will it do for her moral compass? One study had shared some interesting facts about affairs, did you know that 50 to 60 percent of women admit that they have had an affair. Men are at 70 percent about admitting to having an affair. About 17 percent of divorces are due to affairs; I think that’s rather low considering the pain inflicted due to an affair.
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Some additional numbers for you to mull over are; In a 1991 study, sex researcher Shere Hite found that 70 percent of married women have cheated on their partners; a 1993 follow-up study found that 72 percent of married men have as well. According to a 2004 University of Chicago study, 25 percent of married men have had at least one extramarital affair.

There are all kinds of questions that she should be asking herself. I worked with a client who knew his wife was cheating on him. He had the evidence on email and texts. Initially, he was crushed and then decided to confront her. When he did confront her, she gave him an earful. She shared her reasons for cheating on him, and it matches with most of the FaceBook responses above. These were her reasons.

  • Not attentive to her needs.
  • Only paid attention to her when he wanted
  • Stayed at work too long, never called when he was going to be late in getting home.
  • Didn’t help with kids, school projects, getting ready for bed, spending time with kids.
  • Didn’t show appreciation for the things she did for him.
  • Didn’t make her a priority in the relationship.
  • Put his friends above her needs

She was pretty blunt in letting her feelings be known. She didn’t want to have the affair, what she wanted was her husband to take notice that she had needs as well. The affair was, as she stated, was to get her husband’s attention! It certainly did, and she moved on with her life. She said that he would never change. She was right; he accused her of cheating on him, but took no responsibility for his actions and his neglecting her needs.

I think we have seen a pattern in why women cheat, does it make it right, no not at all. I would suggest that women who feel that their spouses are not listening to them need to let them know in no uncertain terms that their needs are not being met in the emotional, and physical areas of the relationship. Be very detailed and have a plan as you share what your needs are. Sometimes, we men are not the greatest listeners and need to be reminded at times.

So you might ask yourself this question, what do I do if I’m a part of the cheating statistics? You’re not alone I’m sad to say. Both men and women are hurt by affairs. If you’re the cheater or the one cheated on there is help for you. You don’t have to struggle alone. If you know that you’re still in love with your spouse, and you want to work through this issue of infidelity and save your marriage, you can contact Dr. Mike and work on a plan to help restore your relationship. Forgiveness is key to move forward and make your marriage work. There needs to be trust reestablished and honest communication to heal a marriage. If you want to save your marriage contact, Dr. Mike, now!

Women, have you cheated on your spouse and you need to talk to someone who can help you sort out the reasons you cheated? Do you want help in preventing future affairs? Are you ready to move on and want to know how to forgive yourself and put your affair behind you? If you answered yes to any of these questions set up an appointment with Dr. Mike and get the help you need. Call Dr. Mike at 303.880.9878

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and life coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype (if you want to Skype with Dr. Mike send him an email at mbrooks3353@gmail.com to set up an appointment). The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of Colorado. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!